Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Drunken, Paraniod, Skinny, Loser Zombies

The Zombie Ants are back in the news. Further studies released today show that the fungus infecting the brain of the ant species Camponotus leonardi coordinates the dying activities of large numbers of the ants to collectively harvest specific leaves at noon allowing for the optimal reproductive environment for the fungus when the ant dies six hours later. This synchronized mindless "death-throw" has shed illumination on the bizarre group-behaviour of other unexplained populations:
  • The kids from Jersey Shore: The non-lethal brain infection prevents maturation of the host and re-enforces non-productive activities such as tanning and binge drinking for the purposes of passing on fungal spores through unprotected, meaningless sex behind a dumpster.
  • Sex and The City GirlsThe actresses from Sex and the City: This unique species of fungus controls the bodies of these four women long after they have died from malnutrition. With vacant stares, their emaciated frames continue to arrive at New York benefits and Hollywood movie premiers. Once there, the walking carcasses consume a variety of canape which is indigestible to humans but allows the fungus to reproduce.
  • Tea Party Members: A specific fungus, Republicanus illogica, is now recognized as a mutation of the more benign variety, Republicanus ignoramus, that often attacks viewers of FoxNews. This parasite causes extreme paranoia resulting in unprovoked confrontations at town hall meetings Democratic speeches.
  • The LA Lakers: Swept by the Dallas Mavericks? Sometime between winning the NBA championships last year, and this year's playoffs, Kobe and the gang picked up a brain fungus that conditions the victim to "suck at basketball, especially defense". Scientists are now studying the players to determine if it is a lethal infection or will merely turn the team into another Clippers franchise.
  • Ivanka Trump: The empty eyes, the stilted mannerisms, the Stepfordian behaviour. She's either a robot, or her brain is filled with fungus!

21 comments:

lacochran's evil twin said...

The Tea Partiers make the Zombie Ants look charming.

LOLA said...

An excellent post. Thank you for including tea party crazies. I wondered what bug they had up their asses.

Love,
Lola

Sandra said...

If I wasn't so busy trying to imagine the Sex in the City girls with the vacant stares, I might have to go out and rent the last movie to check that you're not absolutely correct on that one!

Trooper Thorn said...

lacochran: At least the ants don't judge.

Lola: The CDC is looking into it.

Sandra: It should have been titled "Automaton Sex and the City."

LOLA said...

I wrote a great comment to this post but apparently it disappeared when blogger was down. Damn blogger. I said something very funny and I don't remember exactly what it was -- something about how I had always wondered what kind of bug the tea partiers had up their asses.

Love,
Lola

Trooper Thorn said...

LOLA: You did write a classic, but Blogger destroyed it. Too bad.

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