Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Bin Laden's Secret Plots!

Officials have discovered that Osama bin Laden continued to direct global terrorist activities while a fugitive. The capture of his journal and personal documents has revealed numerous chilling plots to kill large numbers of Americans. Not only did the Saudi terrorist continue to give advice to the worldwide groups of Al Qaeda, his plans for attacks so horrific, they seem like the plots from improbable Hollywood movies (most staring Nicholas Cage). State Department officials believe that during his time in hiding, bin Laden developed an unhealthy addiction to NetFlix.:
  • Invite bloodthirsty aliens to come to earth and hunt infidels but only after Carl Weathers is in a wheelchair or iron lung or something.
  • Invent a time machine. Go back into the past and make investments in Microsoft and IBM. Go into the future and steal weapons technology and femme-bots. Come back to the present and destroy Los Angeles (unless the NFL approves a new franchise for the city).
  • With a group of America's worst criminals, capture Alcatraz. Blow up San Francisco but be wary of a spunky National Parks officer (played by Rachel McAdams) who has escaped from the hostage group and could singlehandedly scrub the whole mission.
  • Breed clones of Barak Obama, John McCain, Sarah Palin and Abraham Lincoln. Infiltrate the US government and take it down from the inside.
  • Help Satan find a bride, perhaps somebody like Hayden Panettierre.
  • Go to Mars. Something, something, something. Lots of explosions.
  • Find out where Bruce Willis is. Blow up a building, airport of sports event far, far away from him.
  • On a Christmas Eve, made a deal with an angel to find out what life would have been like if had married college sweetheart and raised family instead of becoming successful international terrorist.
  • See if the Somali pirates are interested in doing some really cool pirating, like unleashing horrific sea beasts on coastal communities. Also a good opportunity to get somebody like Carla Gugino or Catherine Bell's T-shirt wet.
  • How about robots? Killer robots!
  • Hayden Panettiere. Then sit back and watch New York blow up. Worry about the anti-Christ later. 


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