Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Bad Investments

Many Americans are lamenting the news that house values have dropped by 5% from this time last year. While the housing market is a key indicator in the health of the economy, this news should not cause panic. The average person's biggest investment is in their home, but is still a better place to put their money than in many of the purchases people make every day:

Monday, May 30, 2011

Palin's Magic Bus

Fox News is reporting that Sarah Palin has begun a national bus tour. However, she has not confirmed that this is in preparation for her bid for the 2012 Presidential Election. Of course not. She could have arranged the drive around in a big red-white-and-blue "One Nation" motor coach for a variety of other reasons:
  • She plans to audition for "American Idol" in every city until she makes it on the show.
  • What better way to see the lower 48 states with all of your family, friends, fund-raisers and political advisers?
  • She wants to see a ball game in every major league park in America.
  • How else can you hide when Arnold Schwarzenegger is hunting you down to have a love child with you?
  • She is looking for a Bikini/Shotgun Beauty pageant to enter. Somewhere.
  • Following Justin Bieber around the country is the main responsibility of the president of the Alaska chapter of the Justin Bieber Fan Club.
  • She is rounding up single women with low self-esteem for the next round of "The Bachelor".
  • This is the best way to raise your profile in hopes of being selected as a VP running mate again. Are you listening Tim Pawlenty?
  • It was an easier way to get out her message of country, faith and family that trying to figure out how "to do that Twitter".

Friday, May 27, 2011

Friday Demotivation - Animal Edition

It's Friday and readers of Dogs and Jeans know what that means: Demotivational Posters! As a special reward for all of you who had read every post this week and chose not to participate in The Rapture (it was by choice wasn't it?), you many enjoy the ever popular All Animal Edition of Demotivational Posters.

See you next week.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

John Edwards Spends Wisely

Former presidential candidate John Edwards is likely facing a federal indictment for campaign financing violations. Allegations that he used political contributions to cover-up his affair with Rielle Hunter have been around since news broke of the"love child" he conceived with her while on the campaign trail in 2008. Prosecutors have been examining his financial records hand have uncovered a slew of "questionable" expenditures that may also break campaign finance laws:

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Navy Fights Disney

In all the excitement following the execution of Osama bin Laden, the Disney Corporation has tried to cash in by trademarking the name 'SEAL Team 6'. While they hoped to use the name and image of this elite (and deadly) fighting squad on all manner of T-shirts, lunch boxes, video games and infant crib mobiles, the Navy is fighting back. With the weight of the US military and government behind the SEALs, it is unlikely the Disney lawyers will be able to 'own' the bin Laden killers.

Dogs and Jeans would like to suggest some other newsworthy people rife for trademarking that Mickey and The Gang might find an easier corporate victory:
  • Wedding Kim Kardashian©
     - Even if Kim herself is not willing to sell out on her Special Day (pause for choked laughter), we're pretty sure her ass is eager to make it's own deal for more attention.
  • Area 51© - What great fodder for Disney movies: UFO's, secret military technology, the living corpse of Zsa Zsa Gabor. Area 51 could supply Donald, Buzz and Woody or even Kurt Russell with CGI adventures for years to come.
  • The LA Lakers© - Disney has always had a penchant for making films about lovable losers who overcome the odds. Now that the Lakers suck, the timing is perfect. All they need is a down-on-his-luck coach and a rival team with superior athletic talent but a complete lack of sportsmanship.
  • The Guys from The Hangover© - It's likely that Warner Bros. has secured just about every trademark possible for this summer's comedy hit, but they probably left it open for Disney to release a movie about the gang's adolescent high jinks in "Hangover Babies".
  • Kate and Pippa Middleton - Everything these women do is front page news. Now that Kate is Princess Katherine, her former identity is up for grabs. Disney can recast The Middleton Girls© in all sorts of teenage friendly situations: long lost identical cousins, a private detective sister-team, an all-girl pop group. This could be the opportunity Miley Cyrus needs to rehab her image.
  • Kirstie Alley© - It has to be a more than a full-time job for the actress/dancer to keep up with all her weight gains and losses. Disney has the technology to take over the process for her in a "Pirates of the Carribean' meets "Bear Mountain Jamboree" kind of way.
  • Lady Gaga© - She's not really human anyway, so obtaining the rights to use her name and image should be a slam dunk. Lady Gaga© would make a great movie super villain, hideous but misunderstood sea creature or some sort of groovy space vehicle.
Update: Disney has withdrawn it's application with the Navy. However, Kirstie Alley is keen to negotiate after not winning Dancing With the Stars.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Conversation With The Queen

President and Mrs. Obama met with Queen Elizabeth at Buckingham Palace this morning as part of the First Couple's European tour. While the British Royal Family is a constitutional monarchy, they still represent the people of Great Britain as Heads of State, equal to the President. The aim of such a meeting is to build ties between nations and is often more social than political. However, there will still be some topics on conversation unlikely to be broached by either side:

Monday, May 23, 2011

Victoria's Secrets

Today Canadians celebrate the birthday of Queen Victoria (1819 - 1901) with a civic holiday. But how much do you know about this long reigning monarch? Here are some little known facts about her:
  • Her mother, Princess Victoria of Saxe-Coburg-Saalfeld was born in Germany.
  • In her youth, her passion was ballet, but was forced to give up her dreams of a life on stage when the American tap dance craze swept through Europe.
  • She assumed the throne at 18.
  • Victoria came up with the concept of YouTube. However, due to the lack of both video recording technology and the Internet, she was not able to implement it.
  • She and her husband Albert had 9 children and 42 grandchildren most of which married into other European royal families, earning her the nickname "Grandmother of Europe".
  • She once filed an injunction with the US Weather Bureau preventing the naming of any hurricane after her.
  • Victoria's personal piggie bank was the precursor to the modern International Monetary Fund. Unlike today's organization, her's was not rocked by scandal.
  • Torrid affair with US President Grover Cleveland was completely "under the radar" in a time prior to the 24 hour news universe.
  • Her reign of 63 years and 7 months is longer than that of any other British monarch.
  • While she was able to add the title "Empress of India" to her moniker, she was greatly disappointed to not be be known as the "Governor of Alaska".
  • The period of her reign and the cultural, political and economic events that occurred therein are known as the Victorian era.
  • In her will, Victoria left instruction that if her life story was ever recreated as a TV movie or mini-series, she would like to be played by Jane Seymore.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

What a Rip Off!

So no Rapture! After the months of promises, there was no worldwide Revelation, no Second Coming, not even a heavenly choir singing "Stay Tuned For More Updates".

So unless there was a secret Elevation of the Worthy that the rest of us don't know about, we will continue to struggle on in our mortal form, facing daily "Good News" stories like this:
I think I'll slip back into my cryogenic freezer for another year and see if things are any better.

May 23 Update: Looks like I only have to wait five months as the Rapture date has now been adjusted to Oct 21. It better happen this time or I will write a strongly worded memo on The Internet.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Armageddon Demotivation

This may be the last Friday Demotivational Poster edition since the world is ending tomorrow, and save us from some horrible Zombie Apocalypse. So while you all prepare for The Rapture through prayer, spending time with loved ones, storing water and canned goods or participating in general mayhem and looting, please enjoy these Judgement Day themed demotivational posters.

May 21 6PM Pacific Update:
Everyone still here. No Rapture immanent. Might as well resume sinning.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Is This The End?

Sadly, it looks like Dogs and Jeans, along with the Internet, Washington, movies, professional sport, quiting bees, rainbows, ponies and everything else will end on Saturday. According to credible religious sources, May 21 is Judgement Day. Who are we to argue with The Bible?

So thanks Universe; it's been a fun ride! I've learned a bunch from all my experiences here, the good and bad. School, sports, illness, travel, marriage, divorce, parenthood, job loss, financial gains and difficulty, all of it has contributed to a life well lived.

However, if we do all "fade to black" in two days, there will be a few things I'll be sad to have missed finding out:

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Drunken, Paraniod, Skinny, Loser Zombies

The Zombie Ants are back in the news. Further studies released today show that the fungus infecting the brain of the ant species Camponotus leonardi coordinates the dying activities of large numbers of the ants to collectively harvest specific leaves at noon allowing for the optimal reproductive environment for the fungus when the ant dies six hours later. This synchronized mindless "death-throw" has shed illumination on the bizarre group-behaviour of other unexplained populations:
  • The kids from Jersey Shore: The non-lethal brain infection prevents maturation of the host and re-enforces non-productive activities such as tanning and binge drinking for the purposes of passing on fungal spores through unprotected, meaningless sex behind a dumpster.
  • Sex and The City GirlsThe actresses from Sex and the City: This unique species of fungus controls the bodies of these four women long after they have died from malnutrition. With vacant stares, their emaciated frames continue to arrive at New York benefits and Hollywood movie premiers. Once there, the walking carcasses consume a variety of canape which is indigestible to humans but allows the fungus to reproduce.
  • Tea Party Members: A specific fungus, Republicanus illogica, is now recognized as a mutation of the more benign variety, Republicanus ignoramus, that often attacks viewers of FoxNews. This parasite causes extreme paranoia resulting in unprovoked confrontations at town hall meetings Democratic speeches.
  • The LA Lakers: Swept by the Dallas Mavericks? Sometime between winning the NBA championships last year, and this year's playoffs, Kobe and the gang picked up a brain fungus that conditions the victim to "suck at basketball, especially defense". Scientists are now studying the players to determine if it is a lethal infection or will merely turn the team into another Clippers franchise.
  • Ivanka Trump: The empty eyes, the stilted mannerisms, the Stepfordian behaviour. She's either a robot, or her brain is filled with fungus!

Bin Laden's Secret Plots!

Officials have discovered that Osama bin Laden continued to direct global terrorist activities while a fugitive. The capture of his journal and personal documents has revealed numerous chilling plots to kill large numbers of Americans. Not only did the Saudi terrorist continue to give advice to the worldwide groups of Al Qaeda, his plans for attacks so horrific, they seem like the plots from improbable Hollywood movies (most staring Nicholas Cage). State Department officials believe that during his time in hiding, bin Laden developed an unhealthy addiction to NetFlix.:
  • Invite bloodthirsty aliens to come to earth and hunt infidels but only after Carl Weathers is in a wheelchair or iron lung or something.
  • Invent a time machine. Go back into the past and make investments in Microsoft and IBM. Go into the future and steal weapons technology and femme-bots. Come back to the present and destroy Los Angeles (unless the NFL approves a new franchise for the city).
  • With a group of America's worst criminals, capture Alcatraz. Blow up San Francisco but be wary of a spunky National Parks officer (played by Rachel McAdams) who has escaped from the hostage group and could singlehandedly scrub the whole mission.
  • Breed clones of Barak Obama, John McCain, Sarah Palin and Abraham Lincoln. Infiltrate the US government and take it down from the inside.
  • Help Satan find a bride, perhaps somebody like Hayden Panettierre.
  • Go to Mars. Something, something, something. Lots of explosions.
  • Find out where Bruce Willis is. Blow up a building, airport of sports event far, far away from him.
  • On a Christmas Eve, made a deal with an angel to find out what life would have been like if had married college sweetheart and raised family instead of becoming successful international terrorist.
  • See if the Somali pirates are interested in doing some really cool pirating, like unleashing horrific sea beasts on coastal communities. Also a good opportunity to get somebody like Carla Gugino or Catherine Bell's T-shirt wet.
  • How about robots? Killer robots!
  • Hayden Panettiere. Then sit back and watch New York blow up. Worry about the anti-Christ later. 

Are You Arnold’s Love Child?

The Internet is abuzz with the news that Arnold Schwarzenegger had fathered a “love child” with the housekeeper. There are rumors that this may only be one of many. If you feel you might be one of these potentially numerous bastard offspring, here are a few helpful signs:

  • Are your calves larger than most people’s thighs?

  • The Kennedys: “Historic American Family with a Tragic Past” or “Personal Political Stepping Stones”?

  • Have you been smoking cigars since you were toilet trained?

  • Is the evangelical prophesy that Judgement Day is May 21 simply the Church’s copyright infringement on Terminator 2: Judgement Day?
  • Has your thick Austrian accent caused awkward social moments?

  • Does the thought of making a movie with Danny DeVito thrill you with the promise of box office gold?

  • Does the thought of making a movie with Sinbad horrify you with the thought of a box office flop?

  • Whose side should Oprah support: Maria’s or Arnold’s?

  • Do you consider fondling and groping coworkers, teachers and fellow students to be normal?

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Heavenly Virgin Crisis

Things in Heaven are not all that “heavenly” these days, according to a spokes-angel for St. Peter. “The current effectiveness of America’s War on Terror is really putting a strain on resources right now. But the killing of Osama bin Laden has really put the issue of virgins front and center.”

The practice of providing 72 virgins for jihadi martyrs had been a component of Heaven’s supply chain management for several years now. Initially the demand was so high, AR (Angelic Resources) began to reduce the designated number of virgins per martyr to 52 plus a set of luggage. However, recent improvements in intelligence to prevent suicide bombings created a glut in the market. Excess virgins have been temporarily re-distributed to non-martyr duty. “We have really bolstered the mezzo-soprano sections of several heavenly choirs as well as providing some long needed back-filling for seraphim and cherubim positions.”

In the past six months, the situation has become critical as jihadists have actually been executed, preventing them from satisfying the conditions of martyrdom and forfeiting their cohort of virgins entirely. “Bin Laden’s gone. Kauput! Not showing up ever, so now we have unallocated virgins” complained the spokes-angel. “It’s not like we can give his 52 virgins to somebody else. Every Amber, Stephanie, Scott and Taylor, male and female, is designed specifically for each martyr. From giving pleasure, to listening to terrorist manifestos for hours on end, this is a very unique skill set.”

Surprisingly, salvation may come in the form of the Devil. “One man’s angel is another man’s demon,” Skyped a chipper Beelzebub later in the day. “We’ve found empty-headed, needy, sexually-confused individuals make splendid tormentors. With very little training, these surplus virgins could provide excellent suffering to a variety of Hell’s residents from Wall Street executives and people who park in handicapped spaces all the way to Osama himself.”

In a surprising revelation, unclaimed luggage sets from heaven is re-routed to carousels at LaGuardia, Dulles, O'Hare, Denver and LAX where they continue to revolve in perpetuity, teasing recently arrived travelers that their bags might be coming soon. 

Monday, May 16, 2011

Trump Helps IMF Boss Kill Time

The head of the International Monetary Fund has been arrested in New York and held without bail. Because he is one of the most powerful men in the world, he has been held without bail for his alleged sexual assault on a hotel employee. But how can a man who is used to the finer things pass his time behind bars while awaiting trial? Dogs and Jeans has some suggestions:
  • Enjoy frequent visits from Donald Trump, who now has plenty of time since he won't be pretending to run for President anymore.
  • Find a pen pal on the outside who might be interested on being a "human shield" sometime down the road.
  • Yoga. Lots and lots of yoga.
  • Send birthday cards to Megan Fox.
  • Think about Megan Fox doing yoga, or at least wearing yoga pants.
  • Channel all the suffering you experienced "in the Big House" into best selling Rap CD. The title song should even be called "In The Big House."
  • Pray for Stephen Hawking's soul.
  • Request you be assigned as Raj Rajaratnam's cell mate. Figure out what all this "insider trading" is so you can do it too.
  • Now that Miranda Lambert is married, switch your support on The Voice to Cee-Lo from Blake Shelton.
  • Finally get caught up on several seasons of "How I Met Your Mother".
  • Learn the secrets of counting cards in Black Jack. Plan to break a casino someday when you get out of jail.
  • Begin lobbying for a seat on the International Olympic Committee.
  • Think about how nice it would be to have a maid to tidy up your cell. Feel shame for having treated one so badly.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Late Friday Demotivational Posters

So Blogger has had difficulty this week and posts have mysteriously disappeared, then appeared only to disappear again. Since there is no guarantee any of you will be lucky enough to read any of these demotivational posters, we'll make it worth your while to be tenacious. How? By doubling the number of posters (and boobs too) !

As Bartles and Jaymes used to say: Thank you for your support.