Wednesday, April 13, 2011

New Child Security Threat?

In an effort to beef up national security, the TSA has announced plans to increase the screening of minors on domestic flights. Until now, passengers under the age of 12 have not been the target of searches if their parents have passed the standard walk-through detection processes. However, the Department of Homeland Security's fears of young children being used by terrorist organizations has caused them to re-think the current practices.

In a statement from the TSA, the agency said it is reviewing its screening policies for "low-risk populations, such as young passengers." The statement says the agency is exploring ways to "move beyond a one-size fits all system." Options include pat-downs, x-rays and interviews for children between the ages of 5 and 12, all the way to holding toddlers upside-down by their ankles and shaking to see what falls out of their Osh-Kosh coveralls. For hygienic reasons, sniffer dogs will be used to probe the contents of diapers of suspected high-risk "shifty-looking" infants.

As confirmation of the new procedures, parents of a 6 year old girl have posted a video of their daughter being groped by staff at the New Orleans airport. "Don't be fooled by her tears," commented an agency spokeswoman. "Al Qaeda has trained their operatives to be sympathetic like that. If I had a dime for every elderly white terrorist I made cry at an airport when I threw away pictures of their alleged 'grandchildren' because the corners were sharp enough to poke out the eye of of an air hostess and take down the whole plane, I'd have enough money to retire to the Bahamas."

Note: this is not the first time Dogs and Jeans has had suggestions for the TSA.

6 comments:

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Hahahaha! I laughed.

Stupid TSA and their stupid body scanners and pat downs. I've experienced both and I can tell you right now, they do not even crack a smile when they pat between your boobs and you go, "You know, normally I charge for that!"

Humourless idiots.

In more serious manner, I object to them having the authority to touch me AT ALL. There I've registered my complaint, expect procedures to change.

JUST ME said...

I went through a body scanner for the first time a few weekends ago.

I was underwhelmed.

Trooper Thorn said...

VA: THe Internet is the most effective forum for complaints, so I await the change eagerly. I think it will occur right after the change Obama promised.

Just Me: I don't know... I saw your scans posted on YouTube and I was pretty impressed. Have you been working out?

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I'm still waiting for all the promised Bush changes. You know besides the ones where he fucked the economy, entire nations, killed a bunch of kids in Iraq and strongholded all the oil.

Never trust a politician. I have no faith in a single one.

Trooper Thorn said...

VA: If only Bush HAD "strongholded" all the oil. Then we wouldn't be paying so GD much for it!

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