Monday, April 25, 2011

Come Fly WIth Me

I’m flying across the country today and thought I’d share a few random observatioairplane captainns about air travel while sitting in the Calgary airport.

  • Having someone squeeze my feet to ensure that it was indeed the metal eyelets in my shoes that caused his detection wand to squawk does little to secure the plane from terrorists. However the pocket knife I always carry, and forgot to leave on the dresser this morning, made it past the inspection, so that’s reassuring.

  • It’s called a “belt”. Can you say that word? “Belt”? People use them to hold their pants up. Generally the buckle or clasp is made from metal. To my knowledge, belts pose to greater risk to the crew or passengers than the mini wine bottles on your service cart. Please don’t use the fact I am wearing a belt as an excuse to grope me further.

  • Why do the airport magazine shops sell Playboy, Penthouse and Hustler? I’m not opposed to porn (as any casual reader of Dogs and Jeans can attest), but I’m unsure of what purpose airport nudie mags serve. Is there a way to masturbate discretely on the plane? Should I engage my fellow passengers in a panel discussion of who is sexier: The Hotties of Latin Television or the Girls of the Pac 12?

  • I don’t feel guilty having a drink at 9:30 in the morning, as long as I’m in an airport. Is that weird?

  • When checking in baggage, ticket staff have an established procedure for accommodating golf clubs. However they look at a hockey stick like it’s a hazardous alien artefact. They puzzle and ponder, passing the odd device between themselves. They bring out a Baggage Specialist from the back. After much discussion, they decide the best course is to wrap the stick in a clear plastic bag large enough for a bicycle. And not just any bicycle; one of those old-timey penny-farthings. This is Canada for crying out loud! Why aren’t planes equipped with a hockey stick locker?

  • Call me old fashioned, but I still believe there is still a dress code for flying on an airplane. Maybe not the suit and fedora dress-up I remember from the days when you still were served a meal with silverware, but at least “neat and tidy”. If you insist on wearing sweat pants, then take the bus. Shorts and flip-flops are reserved for those passengers flying to Mazatlan, not Moose Jaw.

  • Suitcases on wheels are the airport equivalent of pets.


B.E. Earl said...

In airports, it's always happy hour.

Margaret (Peggy or Peg too) said...

this made me laugh....I needed that today. Thanks!
And having worked in the airline industry for longer than I care to share - why can't people dress better when flying? I've seen them in pajama's - grown ass adults on 8am flights. C'mon your an adult put your clothes on!
Now that I'll drink to at any time.

Wolle said...

Thanks for sharing

Trooper Thorn said...

B.E. Earl: I think I read that on a T-shirt.

Peg: With their "carry-on" luggage in plastic shopping bags!

Wolle: That's what I do.

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