Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Obama Pledges to Burn Celebrities

In a bold move today, President Obama announced plans to reduce America's dependence on foreign oil. Citing the need to increase national security, the President suggested several initiatives that were both innovative and controversial. Among expanding the use of oil alternatives like natural gas and biofuels, he stressed the importance of creating more fuel-efficient vehicles.

Obama's most surprising idea presented was the exploration of Hollywood, and to a lesser extent Manhattan, for celebrity fuel. Coined "Living Fossil Fuels", Obama announced plans to develop the nation's celebrities to create energy. "People with such highly developed egos burn with a white heat that is up to 10 times greater than normal people," the President declared to a rapt audience. "The cast of Desperate Housewives alone could power the lights in Philadelphia for up to month."  

Recognizing that celebrities are a national treasure on par with Yellowstone Park and the Alaskan wilderness, the President was careful to outline the stages of celebrity collection and consumption. Those voted off of reality TV shows like Celebrity Apprentice and Dancing With The Stars would be the first to be consumed in California's furnaces. This would then be followed stars in syndication but no longer working, like the cast of Friends, Sex and The City and The Sopranos. "They will not be missed and their legacy will be warm homes, cook meals and power children's night lights for hours."

As celebrity fuels, or CF's as they were described, increase in popularity and extraction efficiency, the Department of Energy would turn it attention to extraction from entire networks such as UPN, FOX and the CW. "There are new shows of beautiful, arrogant, young people launched nearly everyday there," said a Whitehouse spokesperson. "Shows like 90210 can supply a steady stream of minor, sexy celebrities to power our cars, farms and businesses."

"By 2015 we expect the technology to improve to the point where someone like John Travolta or Tyra Banks could generate as much electricity as the Hoover Dam," said Obama. However he didn't rule out supplementing CF plants with non-celebrity participants voted of shows like American Idol. "It's not just about improving our economy, it's about our freedom."


Ed said...

Is burning that much cologen and botox good for the environment?

Trooper Thorn said...

Ed: Good point. The EPA has not yet given it's approval.

Kage said...

i work with several girls who could surely be of some help.

Trooper Thorn said...

Kage: Are you saying the girls are Hotties?