Read Trooper's New Novel "Lost Armada"

A fabled Conquistador fortune, a Civil War mystery and a doomed Central American empire collide in the Oregon wilderness. When a young biologist and two luckless treasure hunters find themselves in the sights of a ruthless drug lord, they must choose between their lives and changing the course of history.

Click here: "Lost Armada".
Chapter 2 Now Posted

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Is Catherine Zeta-Jones Visible From Space?

Today's launch of the Space Shuttle Discovery marks the end of an era. As part of NASA's discontinuation of the shuttle program, Discovery will make it's final voyage after nearly 30 years. During it's service, the shuttle has contributed greatly towards space exploration and scientific research. However, not every experiment performed on Discovery was ground breaking. When you consider some of the less-than-significant tests conducted during the missions, you might get the impression that sometimes NASA was just occupying the astronauts with a lot of "busy work":

Experiment #2331-7: Do Good Things Come To Those Who Wait?
Procedure: Astronaut to remain isolated in small compartment for three 12 hour periods. Observe all results of isolation.
Results: Inconclusive. While during the trial, an astronaut asked if the test subject was okay and if he would like some Tang, the pleasant naps experienced during the other two trials were not significantly "good" enough to validate the hypothesis.

Experiment #4855-1: Do Breast Implants Feel Different In Space?
Procedure: One female astronaut with silicone implants to be examined by a fellow astronaut for a 20 minute period while still at Kennedy Space Station. Measurements to include (but not limited to): weight, size, density, elasticity, texture, shape and general appearance. A control subject with natural breasts of similar size will also be examined. The test is to be repeated with both subjects once in orbit.
Results: Inconclusive. The experiment was halted during the orbit test portion when it was discovered that the proposal for the test was submitted by the shuttle commander himself and it was he who was to conduct the testing. The rest of the flight was classified as "awkward".

Experiment #2487-12: Is Miller Lite Less Filling?
Procedure: Astronauts to fast for 6 hours, then one to drink Miller Lite until stomach is full, while the second astronaut to drink Miller Genuine Draft until stomach is full. A third "control" astronaut is to drink Miller Lite without fasting.
Results: Inconclusive. Both test subjects passed out prior to reporting any signs of being "full". The control subject  did remain alert, however, she did consume enough beer to "drunk text" a former boyfriend in Houston and make-out with a visiting Russian cosmonaut, which she later regretted.

Experiment #3107-2: What Man-made Objects Are Visible From Space?
Procedure: Using GPS tags located at The Great Wall of China, the Eiffel Tower, The Pyramids at Giza, The Hoover Dam and Macchu Picchu, astronauts are to watch through the shuttle windows and identify the structures with the naked eye. Digital photography to be used to rule out any "false positive" observation.
Results: Inconclusive. While test subjects claimed to have seen each structure, later digital photos showed they likely did not as even with a 400mm lens these objects were difficult to distinguish from the surrounding landscape. One astronaut did claim to see Catherine Zeta-Jones' ego, however she had just finished the "Less Filling Beer" experiment.

5 comments:

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Perhaps the best entry title in FOREVER. :)

Plus where else can you get Tang, boob squeezing, Catherine Zeta Jones and Miller Lite all in one place? Well done.

Nari said...

Maybe they should have combined the tests by feeding Catherine Zeta Jones some Tang flavored Miller Lite, while locked in a room with astonauts charged with "weighing" her breasts (one augmented / one natural).

Just call me the Saver: time is money people, time is money

Kage said...

yeah, that shuttle commander still owes me $50 for feeling my tits up, the bastard.

my space boobs and i want our goddamn money.

StephanieC said...

I would think having to drink ANYTHING Miller would result in awkwardness. No boobs required. Or groping.

Though, groping would probably result either way. Just sayin'.

Seriously?... Reeeally??... Seriously?

So which of your blogs is your main one? I am thoroughly baffled by people with multiple blogs. (What can I say, I am dark blonde).

Trooper Thorn said...

VA: Thanks. I want Dogs & Jeans to be your one stop shop for all things humorous.

Nari: They need you in Washington!

Kage: Space Boobs was my favorite "Ernest" movie.

StephanieC: Dogs & Jeans baby! Hot Dads is a group and the others are shitty screenplays I wrote that no one will produce.