Monday, February 28, 2011

Oscars We'd Like To See

If any of you managed to pay attention through last night's ponderous Academy Awards, you might have been surprised that several of the following were not recognized with an Oscar statuette:
  • Hottest Lavender Dress: Mila Kunis
  • Most Incoherent Presentation: Kirk Douglas
  • Best Non-Accidental F-bomb: Melissa Leo
  • Host That Was Most Likely High Through The Whole Thing: James Franco
  • Winner Most likely to Crazy: Christian Bale
  • Most Shocking Weight Loss: Jennifer Hudson
  • Best Movie That Made Trooper Bawl Like A baby That Was Not Nominated For Anything: Secretariat
  • Most Charming Acceptance Speech: Colin Firth
  • Best Categories For Going To Toilet: Three Way Tie Between Animated Short, Sound Editing and Foreign Language Film
  • Oddest Moment: Former Host Billy Crystal honoring late host Bob Hope, followed by Bob Hope being funnier that James Franco and Anne Hathaway.
  • Hottest Spaniard: Penelope Cruz
  • Enough With The Jokes About Your Drug Problems Already!: Robert Downey Jr.
  • Winner Who Actually Made You Think: Best Documentary winner Charles Ferguson who reminded us that none of the co-conspirators in the financial crisis have gone to jail.
  • Presenter Who Looked Homeless: Jeff Bridges
  • Funniest Moment: Spoofed Song from Twilight New Moon: "He Doesn'tOwn A Shirt"
  • Worst Winning Song: "We Belong Together"
  •  Tightest Dress: Scarlett Johansson

Friday, February 25, 2011

Friday Demotivation

The number of new visitors to Dogs & Jeans has doubled in the past two weeks. I hope this is more attributable to the hilarious jackassery posted here every day rather than to the number of people housebound due to inclement weather with no other entertainment than Hogan's Heroes and back issues of Readers Digest. Either way, if the trend continues, Dogs & Jeans fans will have the opportunity to read some of my new novel "Lost Armada" this spring before it is published. So keep spreading the word and maybe we can bypass entirely!

For your immediate reward, however, here is an extra dose of Friday Demotivations!

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Is Catherine Zeta-Jones Visible From Space?

Today's launch of the Space Shuttle Discovery marks the end of an era. As part of NASA's discontinuation of the shuttle program, Discovery will make it's final voyage after nearly 30 years. During it's service, the shuttle has contributed greatly towards space exploration and scientific research. However, not every experiment performed on Discovery was ground breaking. When you consider some of the less-than-significant tests conducted during the missions, you might get the impression that sometimes NASA was just occupying the astronauts with a lot of "busy work":

Experiment #2331-7: Do Good Things Come To Those Who Wait?
Procedure: Astronaut to remain isolated in small compartment for three 12 hour periods. Observe all results of isolation.
Results: Inconclusive. While during the trial, an astronaut asked if the test subject was okay and if he would like some Tang, the pleasant naps experienced during the other two trials were not significantly "good" enough to validate the hypothesis.

Experiment #4855-1: Do Breast Implants Feel Different In Space?
Procedure: One female astronaut with silicone implants to be examined by a fellow astronaut for a 20 minute period while still at Kennedy Space Station. Measurements to include (but not limited to): weight, size, density, elasticity, texture, shape and general appearance. A control subject with natural breasts of similar size will also be examined. The test is to be repeated with both subjects once in orbit.
Results: Inconclusive. The experiment was halted during the orbit test portion when it was discovered that the proposal for the test was submitted by the shuttle commander himself and it was he who was to conduct the testing. The rest of the flight was classified as "awkward".

Experiment #2487-12: Is Miller Lite Less Filling?
Procedure: Astronauts to fast for 6 hours, then one to drink Miller Lite until stomach is full, while the second astronaut to drink Miller Genuine Draft until stomach is full. A third "control" astronaut is to drink Miller Lite without fasting.
Results: Inconclusive. Both test subjects passed out prior to reporting any signs of being "full". The control subject  did remain alert, however, she did consume enough beer to "drunk text" a former boyfriend in Houston and make-out with a visiting Russian cosmonaut, which she later regretted.

Experiment #3107-2: What Man-made Objects Are Visible From Space?
Procedure: Using GPS tags located at The Great Wall of China, the Eiffel Tower, The Pyramids at Giza, The Hoover Dam and Macchu Picchu, astronauts are to watch through the shuttle windows and identify the structures with the naked eye. Digital photography to be used to rule out any "false positive" observation.
Results: Inconclusive. While test subjects claimed to have seen each structure, later digital photos showed they likely did not as even with a 400mm lens these objects were difficult to distinguish from the surrounding landscape. One astronaut did claim to see Catherine Zeta-Jones' ego, however she had just finished the "Less Filling Beer" experiment.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Al Qaeda To Change Image?

As unrest spreads across the Arab world, dictatorships are teetering on the brink. All of this has occurred without any involvement from Al Qaeda. Regime change has long been the mandate of Osama bin Laden's organization, but to have it happen without their support has come as a shock. If the trend continues, the world's foremost terrorist organization risks sliding into total irrelevance. No more fund-raising, no more training camps or annual conventions at The Bellagio.

Al Qaeda has boldly launched a new program to re-brand and re-market itself to appeal to the post-revolutionary Arab countries:
  • Playboy will collaborate with Al Qaeda to feature beautiful veiled women in their upcoming photo spread: Girls of the Fertile Crescent.
  • Launch the 1st Annual Persian Country Music Awards hosted by Kellie Pickler and Billy Ray Cyrus.
  • As Bin Laden himself has maintained a sleek 2% body fat eating nothing but goat, chick peas and yak milk tea, the newly published "The Al Qaeda Diet" will be a best seller. Expect disgraced Jenny Craig spokesperson Kirstie Alley to shoot the first commercials.
  • In the event of a pro football lockout, form the AFL (Al Qaeda Football League) with the following six teams: Riyadh Raiders, Yemen Infidels, Beirut Bombers, Libyan Martyrs and the Mighty Saints of Mecca.
  • Announce it's own series of postage stamps aimed at collectors featuring popular celebrities Justin Bieber, Derek JeterKing Abdullah of Saudi Arabia and the cast of "Twilight".
  • Develop new phone app game to rival Angry Birds: Outraged Muezzins. Watch for the iPhone announcements!

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Link to Rescue Zelda, Again!

Today marks the 25th Anniversary of the release of The Legend of Zelda. In a strange convergence of Fantasy and Reality, Moammar Qaddafi has announced he has kidnapped Princess Zelda! The embattled Libyan leader says she will remain in an undisclosed fortress location until protesters in Tripoli disperse.Qaddafi claims he will "die as a martyr" in the homeland of his father, Ganandorf.

The Nintendo Corporation has announced that Link, the hero of the popular vidoe game series will be dispatched to North Africa to rescue the princess. "Link is resolved to find every one of  Qaddafi's hidden dungeons and solve his inscrutable puzzles," said spokesman Shigeru Miyamoto. " He will leave no item, potion, jewel or magical device behind no matter how useless, even the Harp of Ages. This is a quest not only for Zelda, but for all free people everywhere."

Expect The Legend of Zelda: The Sands of Libya to be available this summer, but only for Commodore 64.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Know Your Dead Presidents!

Happy Presidents’ Day America.

It’s time to use this holiday to test your knowledge. Most people are familiar with the Big Presidents: Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln and Roosevelt. Thanks to the media we know way too much about the recent presidents. But how well acquainted are you with some of the lesser known presidents? Let’s find out!

James Madison’s accomplishments do not include:
A. Drafting the Bill of Rights
B. The War of 1812
C. Establishment of the Federal bank

True or False: Prior to becoming president John Quincy Adams was a Massachusetts coroner and was the inspiration for Jack Klugman’s character “Quincy M.D.”

The first American born president was:
A. Andrew Jackson
B. Martin Van Buren
C. James Polk
D. Barak Obama

William Henry Harrison died in office after only 32 days due to:
A. Appendicitis
B. Congestive heart failure
C. Pneumonia
D. Peanut allergies

True or False: Zachary Taylor had slaves while in office.

New York born president Millard Fillmore supported:
A. The return of runaway slaves to their Southern “owners”
B. Restricting the immigration of Irish Catholics
C. A & B
D. Neither A nor B but his name was later used for Howard Hessman’s character on “Head of the Class”.

Franklin Pierce was the only president from:
A. New Hampshire
B. Rhode Island
C. Wisconsin
D. One of Benjamin Franklin’s many mistresses.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Friday Demotivation

Thanks for all the complimentary comments and emails from yesterday's post: The Joy of the Low Maintenance Woman. I'm just waiting for that weirdo from "Boycott American Women" to post here again, or send an anthrax-laced letter to the Dogs & Jeans offices.

Now it's time for the posting you have all been waiting for: the Completely Random Friday Demotivational Posters! (Some of the ladies featured here are definitely high maintenance)

Have a great weekend everybody.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

The Joy of the Low-Maintenance Woman

sexy low maintenance womanSince nearly all of today's news is bad (even to the point of being un-satirable), I thought I'd use today's post to do something I rarely do: share something personal.

I am married to a Low Maintenance Woman. She is not the woman pictured (my wife is more beautiful) but you get the idea. While High Maintenance Women have some benefits as a mate, for me there is nothing like the mix of casual attitude, playfulness and confident femininity that the Low Maintenance Woman provides.

To be more specific about the Low Maintenance Woman's positive traits:
  • She can get out the door at the same time you do for a last minute trip to the store and not spend 25 minutes picking out another top and re-applying makeup.
  • She can fall asleep with the light on.
  • She can fall back asleep if you wake her up in the night.
  • She doesn’t need to change hotel rooms because there is too much light or it’s too noisy.
  • She means what she says.
  • She accepts a gift of exercise equipment gladly because she enjoys being fit.
  • She can turn every head in a room whether in strapless/backless/plunging designer dress or jeans and t-shirt.
  • She understands that disagreeing with her is not personal. The dispute is only about the issue being discussed.
  • She believes you when you say her hair is sexy even if it hasn't been straightened.
  • She isn't embarrassed to shave her legs in the shower with you.
  • She doesn't think using a coupon at a nice restaurant detracts from the romance of Date Night.
  • She may not like the sport you are watching but enjoys the highlights of the amazing hit/catch/tackle/goal/check/throw.
  • She says what she means.
  • She understands that if her friend is crazy, she doesn't need to discuss with you why her friend did or said what she did today. Crazy people do crazy things.

Furthermore, a Low Maintenance Woman reading this would find this list to be complimentary and be flattered that her husband shared such thoughts. The High Maintenance Woman, by contrast, would be outraged that her husband had reduced her to bullet points and shared it with strangers.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Protests Spread Beyond the Arab World

CNN is reporting this morning that the protests that began in Egypt have now spread to other countries. In Bahrain, calls for a constitutional monarchy have grown to become a demonstration against the royal family itself. Iranian anti-government protests have rapidly escalated in violence. Rioters in Libya have begun demanding the release of political prisoners while in Yemen, student-lead appeals for university reform turned into a rock-throwing clash between government supporters and detractors.

However, this ground swelling of activism is not restricted to just the Arab world:

Uganda: Unrest in the capital city of Kampala broke out when it was learned that Russian model Irina Shayk would be the on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition over local favorite Brooklyn Decker.

Canada: Since Sunday, unrest has been growing across the world's second largest country after national treasure Justin Bieber did not win the Grammy for Best New Artist.Canadians are urged not to buy any CD's of winner Esperanza Spalding.

Paraguay: Protesters have taken to the streets after national broadcaster ParaVT dropped reality TV show "Keeping Up With the Kardasians" from their line-up. President Fernando Lugo has appealed to the citizens for calm by promising make Season 1 on DVD available for free through a national account on Amazon.

Taiwan: The sudden appeal of "McWeddings" in Hong Kong has brought about a surprising call to re-integrate with Mainland China in order to participate in the inexpensive "burger and fries" ceremonies.

Belgium: The DVD release of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's most recent film "The Tooth Fairy" has sparked riots at Blockbuster outlets in Brussels and Antwerp as film fans urge the former wrestler to return to action movies. "A nation with heroes like Jean Claude Van Damme know all too well the heartache of a film star who turns his back on his milieu and resorts to banal family comedies," said Prime Minister Yves Leterme. "I call upon The Rock to star in The Scorpion King III or Doom II or even Walking Tall 2: Walking Taller."

Sparta: Exercise fanatics in this normally quiet Greek region have taken to the street demanding that personal trainers in North America stop using the term "The 300 Workout". Oiled-torso men wearing loincloths and not much else have been seen swinging kettle balls and doing jumping lunges in an effort to claim this grueling fitness program is theirs alone.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Mubarak to Join SI Swimsuit Staff?

Understanding that losing a job can be one of the most traumatic events in a person's life, the US State Department has reached out to Hosni Mubarak offering support. Career Transition experts within the department's Human Resources office have complied a sample of Post-Presidential activities to help the deposed Egyptian leader find a new purpose:

Monday, February 14, 2011

Grammy Shockers!

Justin Bieber's loss as Best New Artist last night was not the only surprising occurrence at last night's Grammy Awards. The night was full of shocks that did not include Lady Gaga wearing meat:

  • Rianna's arrival dressed as a character from a Dr Seuss book.
  • Hosni Mubarak's acceptance speech for "Longest Running Benevolent Dictator" was eerily free of references to "rock throwing revolutionaries".
  • Miley Cyrus managed to remain uncharacteristically non-slutty for the entire evening.
  • All copies of Lady Antebellum's "Need You Now" being destroyed after they won "Most Overplayed Cross-Over Hit".
  • Katie Perry winning "Most Likely to Have A Series of Marriages Like Elizabeth Taylor".
  • A swift rescue of Lady Gaga was required when Cee Lo attacked her egg costume in an effort to make "me a F*** You omelet!"
  • Esperanza Spalding's double win for "Best New Artist" and "Hair Most Like a Fur Hat".
  • Justin Bieber's 9 PM curfew prevented him from dancing in the closing number but he was allowed to have have a drink of water after bed time.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Last Minute V-Day Cards

For those of you who forgot, or just didn't care until now, that Monday was Valentine's, Dogs and Jeans' very good friend One Zen Mom has posted a selection of Valentine's Cards that are not to be missed.

Whether you need to tell that special someone that you are impaired enough to make some bad decisions, or just that you have been admiring them for some time from the security of a hunting blind, she has the cards for you.

Give her a visit and express your love and/or misplaced sexual deviance with some class.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Valentine's Demotivation

This weekend dovetails to the most romantic day on the calendar. No, it's not Arbor Day; we still have to wait two more months for that. It's Valentine's Day!

You can celebrate Valentine's Day in the traditional manner: refuse to renounce Christianity and be martyred at the stake with a likely beheading. Or you can succumb to the secular version of gift giving, chocolates and oral sex. Your choice.

While you decide, please enjoy these Demotivational Posters.