Monday, January 31, 2011

Old School Rule For Egypt?

The continued unrest in Egypt has renewed calls among some citizens for the restoration of the Pharaohs. President Mumbarek's appointment of a new cabinet today has done little to silence critics who say a return to the glory of The Middle Kingdom, or even the Second Intermediate Period, is in the best interest of all Egyptians.

Most vocal is the group Egyptians For Thebian Kings, based in the ancient Nile city of Khufu. "The Sun God Ra will place Egypt at the head of all other nations once our Pharaoh returns," declared spokesman  Nebhepetre Mentuhotep on his weekly radio show. "The Nile will once again run rich across the lands of the people. Our monuments to the Gods will rise again from the sands laid barren by the Nubian foreigners."

The ETK, as they call themselves, claim to have access to a nearly 3000 year old royal bllod line that has been maintained in seclusion in an undisclosed location in central Wyoming. "We can have a demi-god on the throne subjugating the unwashed peasants in under 24 hours!"

A rival group, Pharohs for Egypt, also wishes to bring back the old ways but rather than place a decendant on the throne, they wish to re-animate the mummified remains of a past ruler. "We have our pick of great leaders,  Amenemhat I, Amenemhat III, Ramesses IX, you name it," said the group's president Horemheb, the High Priest of Naukratis. "We are all High Priests and have the skills to bring back the right man for Egypt!"

Horemheb downplays the potential problems which might result from trying to breath life into corpses that have been dead for thousands of years. "Don't believe the carnage you see in movies. We would only pick a non-cursed Pharaoh, or at least one with less deadly powers. The other High Priests and I are confident we could control and subsequent rampage. Darkness might befall maybe only half of Africa and the Middle East for a month or so. Six tops."

Friday, January 28, 2011

Friday Demotivation

So far, so good. After yesterday’s post in which Dogs and Jeans blew the lid off several clandestine FBI operations, we have been in “lock down” mode. However, our commitment to you, the readers” is such that we’ll risk the blow darts and ether soaked rags to bring you another Friday Demotivation.

Now it’s back to our undisclosed location for the weekend.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Are The FBI Messing With Us?

A special investigation by CNN has uncovered years of abuse and misconduct within the FBI. From sharing confidential information with girlfriends, the media and even criminals, to misuse of Bureau resources for sexual activities, the CNN report documents a culture of dysfunction and venality within the halls of the national policing group.

However, the FBI's transgressions go even deeper! A long term investigation by Dogs & Jeans own Crack Research Squad has catalogued a menu of offenses so heinous, we risk our own lives by revealing them here today. The public's right to the truth outweighs the concern for our own safety though, so here they are:
  • Subliminal messaging on E! have convinced the public that Khloe Kardashian in just "big boned".
  • Failures in the Witness Protection Program have led to meat other than beef being in Taco Bell tacos.
  • Canadians viewing clips of Family Guy and SNL on was identified as a "security risk" so the web-based video service was blocked. Hulu is still available in China.
  • Adam Carolla's unicycle riding  was deemed "too funny" for Dancing With The Stars and the voting was adjusted to remove him during the sixth season.
  • During a clandestine cloning project to create a pop idol that could be used to control America's teens, Britney Spears DNA was damaged and the result was Ke$ha.
  • The 2002 SARS outbreak in North America was a created to distract the media's attention from the fact that the summer's biggest movie hit Stars Wars II: The Attack of the Clones had no actual plot.
  • The BP Oil Spill resulted from a botched attempt to acquire additional oil supplies to keep John Travolta's hair "lubricated".
  • Ted Kaczynski was a scapegoat arrested only after the first Unibomber sketches identified the actual domestic terrorist as Justin Timberlake.
If Dogs and Jeans does not post our regular Demotivation Posters tomorrow, you will know the FBI has gotten to us for publishing the truth!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Need An Excuse?

drunk girl passed out in bedA Victoria, BC man had his sleep interrupted Monday night when a drunk woman entered his apartment, took off her clothes and got into bed with him. The police were called and the woman was "relocated" to a police cell to sleep it off.

So all you fellows out there who have needed an excuse for the strange woman in your bed now have a legitimate news story to point to when you say, "Gee Honey, I don't know how this woman got in bed with me. She wasn't here when I went to sleep! Maybe she crawled in on her own?"

Of course, you may need a better excuse if your wife responds with, "But she's my sister!"

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Oscar Snubs Aniston and Others

The Academy Award Nominations were released today and there were few surprises. The buzz for weeks surrounding "The King's Speech", "Black Swan", "True Grit" and "The Social Network" has culminated in nominations Best Film nominations along with accolades for the actors, actresses, writers and directors.

However, the Oscars would not be complete unless some of the following nominations were also included:

Worst Role For An Action Hero In A Sucky Kids Movie:
  • Jackie Chan in "The Spy Next Door"
  • The Rock in "The Tooth Fairy"
  • Brendan Fraser in "Furry Vengeance"
Worst 2 Minute Skit Idea Stretched in 90 Minutes:
  • "I Love You Philip Morris"
  • "MacGruber"
  • "Cop Out"
Most Predictable Romantic Comedy:
  • "When In Rome"
  • "The Back Up Plan"
  • "The Bounty Hunter"
  • "The Switch" (Jennifer Aniston  again!)
If You've Seen the Trailer, You've Seen The Movie:
  • "Yogi Bear"
  • "Pirahna 3D"
  • "Grown Ups"
Best Line In A Shitty Movie:
  • From "Clash of the Titans" - "Release the Krakken!!!"
  • From "Jonah Hex" - Dumbass Outlaw: Hey, Hex! What happened to your face-?
    [a gunshot blasts him through a window, and Hex lifts his hat off the bar, revealing his pistol]
    Jonah Hex: Cut myself shaving, what happened to yours?
Special Award: Are You F$#%*G Kidding Me?
  • M. Night Shyamalan for "The Last Airbender"

 Dogs & Jeans welcomes your additions.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Obama's Shocking Proposals

President Obama will deliver his State of the Union Address tomorrow evening, but the public has already received a preview. An unprecedented on-line "teaser" of his speech was delivered on Saturday hitting on many of his usual talking points like the economy, health care and the war on terror. However, Obama surprised many listeners with some more unusual specifics that he is targeting over the remainder of his term in office:
  • Jay Cutler will be traded to Russia for future draft picks. The United States will consider the return of Russian spy Anna Chapman.
  • The McRib will remain as a standard menu item at McDonalds, no longer just a periodic "special offering".
  • Once Brett Michaels recovers from heart surgery, President Obama will travel with Poison on their reunion tour playing percussion instruments like triangle and tambourine.
  • "Mean Girls 2" will be the official 2011 movie of his daughters, Malia Ann and Natasha. Obama himself is eagerly awaiting the release of "Hangover 2".
  • The Whitehouse will support the spread of Flav's Fried Chicken beyond it's single location in Iowa but to all the other Midwest states.
  • Amazon will be encouraged to expand their new food delivery service to include alcohol, tobacco and firearms. The new division will be called
  • A new honorary position of Drag Queen Laureate will be created, similar to Poet Laureate, currently held by W.S. Merwin. The first Drag Queen Laureate appointed will be RuPaul.
  • The Democratic Party will wager 300 quatloons tot he Republican Party that the Kardashian Sisters will win a fight to the death against the cast of Jersey Shores.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Friday Demotivation: Animal Edition

It's time for one of the most popular demotivation poster themes on Dogs & Jeans: Animals.
So as Masturbating Cat says, "Let's get the anthropomorphizing started!"

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Gervais Could Have Been Meaner

Talk shows and the Internet continue to buzz about Ricky Gervais performance has host of the Golden Globe Awards last Sunday. While many people understand the role of MC is to poke fun at the cult of celebrity in Hollywood, some feel Gervais' barbs went too far. From personal comments ranging from Robert Downey Jr's struggles with drug addition and Angelina Jolie's wooden performance in 'The Tourist" to remarks about closeted homosexuals in the Church of Scientology, the English comedian has come under fire for pushing the limits of good taste.

However, the jokes that were discarded were even worse:
  • It’s nice to see Sandra Bullock here tonight (Pause for applause). Sandra has really rebounded from some personal issues. Imagine the pain of having a 210 pound Nazi tattoo removed.
  • Megan Fox was not resigned for “Transformers 3” after the robots complained her acting made them appear “too human”.
  • Mel Gibson had been asked to present an award but was bust filming his long awaited follow up to "The Passion of the Christ”, “Jesus & Hitler’s European Vacation”
  • I appreciate everyone tuning in to the show tonight, especially with the FNL playoff’s on TV as well. A special hello to Brett Favre who is watching at home, while masturbating and emailing pictures of his penis. (Cell phone rings) Ah, here’s one now. Can everyone see? (On screen image of a blurry purple #4 jersey and unidentifiable body parts). Isn’t technology wonderful?
  • This week Jennifer Lopez will begin her turn as a judge on “American Idol”. After 10 seasons and millions of terrible, ear splitting auditions, I can’t imagine there is anyone left in America without any talent who hasn’t been on the show. Except Jennifer Lopez.
  • Anne Hathaway will be starring as Catwoman in the next instalment of the Batman series. Previous Catwoman Michelle Pfeiffer has asked to audition for the part but producers said that people had seen enough of Betty White this year.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

What's Your Sign?

Many of you may be aware that the Zodiac has changed. The world of astrology has been rocked without warning as a 13th sign, Ophiuchus the serpent holder, has been added and the dates of the others have been realigned. If you were a Libra born on Oct 2, you are now a Virgo. Good bye high-level thinking; Hello attention to detail! A May First Taurus is now an Aries and the list goes on. Enjoy your complete personality makeover!

But the shake-up to our accepted way of life does not stop there. Dogs and Jeans Crack Research Squad has discovered that the secret Cabal that makes such decrees is ready to unleash an unholy number of "adjustments" to to our lives. Hold onto to everything you once took for granted as truth, because it is about to be ripped away from you:
  • The Constitution's three unalienable rights and are now Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Lethargy.
  • You are now expected to pay 4 months salary for a diamond. engagement ring, instead of the traditional 3 (as defined by The Diamond Council).
  • The state capital of Kansas has been moved from Topeka to Wichita.
  • Three stitches will now be required in time to save nine, up from the original one stitch.
  • Baseball has been replaced as the National Pastime by archery.
  • A bird in the hand is now worth three in the bush (there is some good news).
  • Money can now buy happiness but only if you qualify for our low, low 3.9% finance rate.
  • The size of small packages has been decreased to 0.25 cubic inches, reducing the likelihood of anything good coming in them, ever to those who wait.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

What's Wrong With American Women?

Yesterday, this blog was fortunate enough to have been visited by a man (I assume he is a man) who left the following comment:

"I am an American man, and I have decided to boycott American women. In a nutshell, American women are the most likely to cheat on you, to divorce you, to get fat, to steal half of your money in the divorce courts, don't know how to cook or clean, don't want to have children, etc. Therefore, what intelligent man would want to get involved with American women?

American women are generally immature, selfish, extremely arrogant and self-centered, mentally unstable, irresponsible, and highly unchaste. The behavior of most American women is utterly disgusting, to say the least.

The writer encouraged readers to visit his blog:
Wondering is this was cultural satire a la Jonathan Swift's A Modest Proposal, I visited the blog only to find a collection of posters like Raja from India, Andrew from Houston and Angry Black American Man (I suspect it was Lawrence Taylor) each describing their own personal protest against the behavior, appearance and overall poor character of American (and by association, Canadian) women.
I was really quite shocked. Not only am I a big fan of women of all varieties*, eventhough I've suffered through an unwanted and painful divorce, but I am more surprised that any man could overcome his inherent tendency towards procrastination enough to post this jumble of rudimentary thoughts.
I figured I had better examine Mr. Boycott's position a little more closely
(*Trooper's Note: I am not a fan of bitches. I prefer if a woman is kind. Just thought I'd clarify.)
Point 1: "American women are the most likely to cheat on you": While this may have been my personal experience, the statistics just don't support it. Men are still nearly twice as likely to engage in sex outside of marriage. Mr. Boycott may be defining "cheating" as only intercourse for men, but have a more broad definition for women including oral, mutual masturbation and watching "Grey's Anatomy".
Point 2: "American women are the most likely to divorce you": If this is true, and I'm not sure it could be since most states require little or no reason to grant a divorce now, I would have to say it is probably good, since women, in general, don't want to end a marriage unless there is no other choice. Until there are as many Men's Shelters providing a safe place for a man and his children to escape an abusive spouse as there are Women's Shelters, there will still be inequality in this country.
Point 3: "American women are the most likely to get fat": Have you been to Walmart? If she's fat, he's fat. They both eat from the same table. The skinny guy with the big fat wife is the exception. Besides, I see way more fat guys with normal sized wives than the other way around. Women are more likely to join running groups, do yoga and watch what they eat even after marriage. Guys generally give up because they don't have to date anymore (unless they are cheating: See Point 1).
Point 4: "American women are the most likely to steal half of your money in the divorce courts": The law is pretty clear in most states and provinces. The family assets are divided 50/50 no matter who did what to whom. The good news for men is that statistics are predicting that women will be out earning men in the next 20 years, so you can be stealing half of "her" money soon.
Point 5: "American women don't know how to cook or clean": This is more of an anecdotal statement that is difficult to disprove. I'm sure there are plenty of women slobs out there (as reality TV will demonstrate in abundance). However, unless the husband actually enjoys cooking, the wife will likely do most of the cooking for the family. As well, unless the husband is a clean freak, the wife will do the bulk of vacuuming, sweeping, laundry, washing and wiping etc. because she will get tired of waiting for him to do it and it's just easier than nagging him.
Point 6: "American women don't want to have children": Advertising companies are pretty smart when it comes to understanding their audience. They spend lots of money on focus groups and product testing to make sure their message has maximum saturation with their target demographic. For this reason, I know women want to have kids (more than men) because pregnancy test ads speak only to the woman's experience and always emphasize the POSITIVE test. If American women did not want to have kids, the ad would show a panicked women dreading the results, bargaining with God to not have sex ever again if she can just dodge this bullet. Or it would show men begging their wives to pee on the stick, trying to convince her how wonderful it could be to have a baby.
The last paragraph does not really contain any argument, only a bunch of "name calling". The most unique is claiming American women are "unchaste". I don't know anyone who talks like this. Websters defines unchaste as "characterized by sexual suggestiveness, transgression, or excess; lascivious; bawdy". Apart from the characters on "Sex & The City" I don't know any women who are "lascivious" and I certainly don't know any who are "bawdy". When I was in college I sure wanted to know some bawdy women, but to no avail.
Considering the bitterness of Mr. Boycott, I think he could benefit from a little sexual suggestiveness, transgression, or excess.
However, I think American women will likely rejoice in his decision to boycott them and stop wasting their time already!

Monday, January 17, 2011

Can Apple Survive?

Visionary CEO of Apple Computers Steve Jobs has announced he will take a medical leave of absence. While Jobs has provided no timeline for his return, he has re-assure investors that Apple will continue to provide cutting edge technology solutions without him. The company that redefined the personal computer, the telephone and combined everything in the iPad will keep pushing the envelope under COO Tim Cook and the current Board of Directors.

Here are some of the exciting new products expected from senior accountants now running Apple:
  • The Mechanical Pencil: Writes like a pencil but works like a pen!
  • Loafers: Save time by wearing shoes without laces!
  • Lined Paper: Sloppy penmanship? Not anymore!
  • The Neck Tie: Modify your appearance with these multicolored pieces of fabric!
  • The Flashlight: See where you are going in the dark! (Batteries not included)
Now all they need to do is figure out manned flight by the end of the decade and my Apply stock will be safe.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Friday Ski Demotivation

Thanks to all the bloggy readers who kept coming to Dogs & Jeans while the staff were away skiing. For your efforts, here is a Ski & Snowboard Friday Demotivation.