Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Ancient Chinese Secrets

Leaked US government documents show that the relationship between Beijing and Pyongyang is not as close as we thought. In a series of communications, Chinese officials state they would no longer support a North Korean regime once Kim Jog Il dies and would work with the US to re-unify the North and South.
However, Dogs and Jeans has decoded even more shocking revelations about China's position on a number of topics in the encrypted messages :
  • They would not support an eight team playoff in college football, but would allow an undefeated TCU team to play for the championship if it kept them out of the Big East.
  • They developed Lady Gaga in a remote mountainous facility to distract the youth of the world from their true plans to take over country music with their other creation, Lady Antebellum
  • They sent all the "sext" messages to Tony Parker on behalf of Erin Berry and Sophia Egeler.
  • They invented Facebook first but it didn't catch on because of the name: The Glorious People's Anti-Imperialist Communication Portal. Twitter was apparently invented by Albania, but the Albanian government continues to deny it.
  • They voted for Chad Ochocinco for Sportsman of the Year over Drew Brees.
  • They continue to seek a partnership with J.K. Rowling to publish the next Harry Potter book: Harry Potter and the Incredible Shrinking Chinese Women's Gymnastics Team.
  • They have kept Carnie Wilson on an intravenous high carbohydrate diet since her first attempt at dieting failed.
  • They would welcome Walmart to open stores as long as the computers sold during CyberWeek have Google blocked.
  • They are waiting until Windows Phone 12 for all the bugs to be worked out.
  • They performed Fergie's sex change surgery.
  • They wrote all the scripts for TV's Lost by writing down all the random thoughts of Shanghai opium addicts. Now you know.

Monday, November 29, 2010

But Can He Escape Your Death Machine?

In light of the WikiLeaks latest document dump in which the US State department directs diplomats to begin collecting Human Intelligence and biometric information on foreign nationals, we should all better protect ourselves. Here are some easy to identify signs your friendly neighborhood US Ambassador is really a spy:

• Underneath his wetsuit is a freshly pressed Armani tuxedo.

• Keeps trying to sleep with your wife to gain access to your garage door opener codes.

• Always asking you to speak into his lapel pin.

• His constant flattery of “You’re a beautiful woman, Pussy” is getting tired, especially since your name is Irene.

• When asking for a drink is his request always “Shaken, not stirred,” even if it’s tea or Kool-Aid.

• Refers to your basement rec-room as your “underground lair”.

• When heating up anything in the microwave, he always “diffuses” the countdown with one second left.

• The local Kids Christmas Tobogganing Night ends with him parachuting off a cliff.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Iron Bowl!

There was no intent to post on Dogs and Jeans today, but we need your help. Today is the annual Iron Bowl game between Alabama and Auburn. This is always a fantastic game but this year actually means something as undefeated Auburn could have it's national title hopes dashed by the Crimson Tide. With a win, Alabama has a chance of coming out of the SEC for a bowl game and some redemption for their loss to South Carolina.

So let's look at the two schools:


Nope, it's too close to call. What's your vote?

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Early Thanksgiving Demotivation

As promised, here is the Friday Demotivation one day early so we can all celebrate the Thanksgiving holidays with some inappropriate humor and a little skin.

This year, all Demotivational Posters are Dogs and Jeans originals!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Why I'm Thankful

With tomorrow being Thanksgiving, Dogs andJeans will post Friday Demotivational posters a day early and feature a Thanksgiving theme. This way, readers will get to digest it for an extra day. Get it? “Digest it” because of all the turkey and stuffing? Isn’t a joke better when you have to explain it? As usual, there will be plenty of boobs and people hurting themselves.

So for today, I’d just like to post a few things I’m thankful for this year.

I’m thankful Bristol Palin did not win Dancing With The Stars. I don’t have anything against her, and she really did improve but she was certainly not the best dancer. If she had won it would have meant that the judges’ opinions and the quality of the performances were irrelevant as long as you had an organized campaign. However, her electoral success should be a warning to anyone who thinks her mom doesn’t have what it takes to be president. She has money and a well run organization behind her and that is all it takes.

I’m thankful not to live in either of the Koreas. Why can’t they just settle their dispute with a Tae Kwon Do Tournament?

I’m thankful I don’t have to fly anywhere today. It’s not that I don’t enjoy waiting around for 6 hours for my chance to be groped by a stranger, it’s just that I can’t help wonder what purpose any of it serves. How do airport security staff sleep at night? Isn’t there job to catch terrorists? How many terrorists have any of them caught? You’d think that for every 10 innocent nut sacs they fondle they should catch one terrorist. That’s a ratio I think America could handle.

I’m thankful my daughter turned me onto Glee in the summer. It was such a lame premise (the lives and loves of a high school glee club) but the song and dance numbers have been terrific. Still I don't remember any of the girls being like this in high school, but my memory might be weakening with age. And every week I learn a valuable lesson about not bullying. Every week is the same lesson about bullying. Don’t bully the gay kid. Don’t bully the female football coach. Don’t bully the gay kid. Don’t bully the fat girl. Don’t bully the gay kid. Has anyone else noticed the pattern?

I’m thankful none of my kids has a samurai sword lying around.

I’m thankful my wife and I aren’t having babies in our 40’s. I love kids, don’t get me wrong. But we were in our 20’s and early 30’s when we were up nights with feedings and changings. Yes, I was up doing that too; walking the floor for hours singing and patting and making up extra formula when they wouldn’t take the breast. Actually it’s ironic that now that no kids are waking me up at night, I could sleep through if I wasn’t old enough that I have to pee at 2:30 AM. Stupid prostate!

I’m thankful a year has passed since Tiger Woods’ Thanksgiving Night Car Crash. Hopefully with the sex scandal and divorce behind him he can concentrate on getting his golf game back. I want to care about watching golf again. Please Tiger, do it for me.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Palin's Battle Plan: More Dancing!

Sarah Palin's new book "America By Heart" was released today. Despite the banal title, the book lays out how Palin would turn things around in this country if she were to run for president. The only thing more surprising than her continued reluctance to actually declare her intentions are some of the less well-thought-through strategies to "turn America around." You'd almost think they had been written by a political satirist:
  • Ban the Toronto Blue Jays from the American League. They are in Canada; that's not America Consider replacing the team with the Tea Party.
  • Develop time machine so she can go back and ask Ronald Reagan what he would do about issues like banking reform, low income housing and nosy TMZ photographers.
  • New universal health care plan: An Apple A Day. (Note: Apple Computers not to be taken internally)
  • Double the military budget, but only to hunt down gays and commies within the ranks.
  • Eliminate the trend towards so-called "measurable science" in America's classrooms. The Bible mentions nothing about dinosaurs so all those bones must be miracle rocks given to us by God for our amusement.
  • Replace dancing as America's Pastime, but only if Bristol wins Dancing With the Stars tonight. If she loses, dancing will be banned faster than you can say "Footloose".
  • Counter President Obama's world "apology tour" with her own tour "In Your Face Globe!" sponsored by Marlborough Cigarettes.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Harry Potter Surprises

"Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" destroyed all competition at this weekend's box office. Most reviews have been favourable for Part 1 of the 2 part series finale. However, many faithful viewers were shocked to see so many popular culture references in the film:

Friday, November 19, 2010

Harry Potter Demotivation

Today is the release of the Part 1 of the finale in the series Harry Potter and the Healthy Swallows. To celebrate, Dogs & Jeans is devoting an entire series of Demotivational Posters to The Boy Who Lived and His Pals.


July 2011 Update: Deathly Hallows Part II now holds the record for biggest drop off from a record opening weekend. Rumors swirl that the movie will be re-released with Captain America as the new Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Tiger Twitters

As if we needed to get more up-to-the-minute personal information about celebrities, Tiger Woods has now joined the league of Famous People Who Twitter. From his first punctuationally challenged post yesterday "What's up everyone. Finally decided to try out twitter!" to a more recent admission "The best part about phone interviews is getting to wear shorts." fans of the golfer can read all about him @Tiger Woods.

Or you can just read the following Dogs & Jeans Mundane Tiger Tweet Predictions:

"PB & J time! Mmm..."
"Got to wash hands first"
"Getting some putting practice in the living room"
"Oops. Off the coffee table. ha ha"
"Anything good on TV?"
"maybe a nap. ZZZZZ"
"eew. pillow drool! LOL"
"Walking on Sunshine BEST SONG EVER!!"
"Have you ever wanted a protein shake but couldn't find the top to the blender :( "
"at IHOP for waffles. Wish me luck with the waitress..."

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Let's Profile!

Dogs & Jeans does not normally re-post material from other sources, especially FoxNews. However, today's opinion piece by KT McFarland our misguided North American airport security is so on the mark, it deserves at least some point form honor. Here are some of the arguments:
  • Al Qaeda’s pattern has been to constantly adapt their offense, and force us into spending valuable resources on defense. While we’re busy focusing on preventing the last attack, they’ve moved on to the next one. 
  • They’re putting bombs in UPS packages that make their way from cargo planes to passenger planes. They're plotting to place bombs inside bodies – the human bodies of suicide bombers, or of corpses or even animals – which will then be detonated remotely once in plane is in flight. Full body scanners are useless against those threats!
  • We’re wasting money, time and the people’s patience in an effort to be politically correct. In the end, it’s not keeping us any safer; if anything it’s making us less safe since it’s diverting resources that could otherwise be used on better intelligence gathering, or developing screening devices for cargo on commercial and civilian aircraft, or checking containers before they enter U.S. ports.
Read the whole article here.

Does the old man in the picture look like he is going to blow up the plane? Is he going to use his suspenders to strangle a stewardess. Considering he has to sit down to have his foot scanned, what's the likelihood he can ignite his shoe at get it to the cockpit? Then leave him the fuck alone so he can visit his grand kids in Denver.

El Al is the safest airline in the world, are also the airline under the greatest risk of attack. The Israeli's don't waste time making everyone throw out their water or taking old ladies' nail files away. They look for people who are suspicious and prevent them from getting anywhere near a plane or baggage area.

If we had done that, dirty, shifty-looking shoe bomber Richard Reid never would have been on-board. Or that idiot underwear bomber either.

How about we profile the guys who look like they are up to no good and stop rummaging through my 6 year old daughter's crayon container at the Calgary Airport? I mean seriously!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Prince William's Rejected Proposals

Send out the invitations and prepare to release the white doves. Prince William and longtime girlfriend Kate Middleton are finally engaged. What took him so long you ask? Turns our the heir to the throne had great difficulty in coming up with the right proposal. Check out this list of rejects:
  • What say you and I give Merry Old England a party they won't soon forget?
  • Please make me the happiest prince in the land?
  • When you decide you want to spend the rest of your life in the spotlight with someone, you want the rest of your life in that spotlight to start right now.
  • I may not know much about life, but I know what love is. This is love isn't it?
  • Will you be more than just a nanny or housekeeper to me?
  • So you know all those photographers following us everywhere? How'd you like to have that everyday from now on?
  • Will you be my queen, in the non-homosexual sense of the word?
  • If I could spend my life with just one commoner, I want that commoner to be you.
  • Ehm, look. Sorry, sorry. I just, ehm, well, this is a very stupid question and... , particularly in view of our recent shopping excursion, but I just wondered, by any chance, ehm, eh, I mean obviously not because I guess I've only slept with 9 people, but-but I-I just wondered... ehh. I really feel, ehh, in short, to recap it slightly in a clearer version, eh, the words of David Cassidy in fact, eh, while he was still with the Partridge family, eh, "I think I love you," and eh, I-I just wondered by any chance you wouldn't like to... Eh... Eh... No, no, no of course not... I'm an idiot, he's not... Excellent, excellent, fantastic, eh, I was gonna say lovely to see you, sorry to disturb... Better get on...

Monday, November 15, 2010

Is Naked Flying Safe?

The recent protest to X-Ray screening by a passenger has led airline companies to re-visit the processes of airport screening. With another round of potentially useless measures about to imposed across the country, it has become clear that costs for "preventative" screening are just too high. Passengers who were currently expecting two hour long line-ups are now waiting up to three hours as each is subject to full body pat downs and a complete search of belongings and new explosive "sniffing" machines. Further restrictions to carry-on baggage and freedom of movement before and during flights have made many people reconsider flying at all.

Fearful that more travellers will chose alternate transportation like car of train in the future, or decide to stay home entirely, the big three airlines today have announced radical new methods to eliminate the need for excessive pre-flight security.

American Airlines “All Nude” Flights:
If you are willing to forgo wearing clothes, along with any carry on luggage (and dignity) you can bypass metal detectors and the impersonal pre-boarding pat down. However, the body cavity search is optional and provided free of charge. It’s a breeze (and a very cool one at that) flying with American Airlines!

Delta Air’s “Hannibal Lecter” Flights:
Nothing says “Security” like a full body restraint and a face mask. Passengers who opt to be strapped down to a gurney for the duration of the flight can be wheeled on directly from baggage check with no need for a physical examination. Delta encourages travellers to “go” before they board as no catheterization is planned at this time.

US Airways’ “Slumber Party”:
Sedation is the antidote for Hijacking. Licensed nursing practitioners will inject travellers with a sedative in the boarding lounge and passengers will be loaded on the planes like a shipment of Thanksgiving turkeys. While you are happily dreaming in the clouds, you will actually be above the clouds for the duration of the flight, your vital signs being monitored at all times. However, due to uncontrolled environments in various terminals, US Air cannot guarantee the success of making connecting flights while passengers are unconscious. But think of the excitement of expecting to wake up in Denver only to find yourself in the airport in San Diego, or Dayton!

Friday, November 12, 2010

Rememberance Friday Demotivation

Yesterday was Remembrance Day and Veteran's Day but the past and ongoing sacrifice of our men and women in uniform is so great, Dogs & Jeans is going to push it for another day.

Demotivational Posters (in general) would trivialize the military, so we won't be posting a bunch of bikini babes astride missiles (and the Internet is full of that anyway). Instead below is one poster chosen specifically to recognize Canada's recent announcement to maintain troops in Afghanistan long after our combat commitment expires in 2011. Canada may not have as many men and women to send as our cousins to the south, but those we do send are The Best We Have!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Cruise From Hell

Passengers aboard the crippled Carnival Cruise Ship "Splendor" are safely back in port. The past week has been less than pleasant for the disappointed holiday goers. However, despite having no electricity or working plumbing after fire ripped through the vessel, the Carnival staff did their best to maintain a "vacation atmosphere". Here is a sample of the daily itinerary"

08:00 Low Cal Breakfast - Salteens and old coffee warmed in the burning sun
10:00 Activity - Backed up toilet scrubbing on the Poop Deck (no jokes please)
12:00 Lunch - Mayonnaise sandwiches with canned milk
13:30 Activity - Fashion you own distress banner from dirty bedsheets
16:00 Tea - Just kidding. There's no tea
18:00 Supper - All you can eat Spam (as long as "all you can eat" is one can per couple)
20:00 Dancing - Tonight's Theme "Romance Is In The Air - Or Is It Sewage?"

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Bat Out Of Hell

Last night I listened to the classic Meat Loaf album "Bat Out Of Hell" for the first time in many, many years. The record was released in 1977 and became the soundtrack for many of us for the rest of that decade and through the 80's. It stands as the fifth best selling album of all time, and since Michael Jackson's death is the Number One seller by a living solo artist.

While listening to such songs as "Two Out Of Three Ain't Bad" and the always interesting "Paradise By The Dashboard Light", I was reading through the liner notes and was amazed at some of the names associated with the songs:
  • Guitar, keyboards and some vocals by Todd Rundgren: Rundgren has produced some of the biggest bands and had his own success with songs like "Hello It's Me" and "I Saw the Light" and "Bang The Drum All Day" heard at sports venues across North America.
  • Piano by Roy Bitten of Bruce Springsteen's E Street Band.
  • Drums by Max Weinberg also of the E Street Band and Conan O'Brian's show band, The Max Weinberg Seven.
  • Saxophone by Edgar Winter: You could not had had ears in the 70's without being blown away by The Edgar Winter Group and their smash hit "Frankenstein".
  • Female vocals including those on "Paradise By The Dashboard Light", performed by Ellen Foley: Foley collaborated with such eminent musicians as The Clash, Joe Jackson and Mick Ronson. She later went onto a Broadway career and has on TV's Night Court.
  • Baseball play-by-play on  "Paradise By The Dashboard Light" was done by New York Yankee great Phil Rizzuto.
If you have not heard the album in while, take a listen tonight (after the kids are in bed).

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Shocking Bush Regrets!

In interviews with Matt Lauer and Oprah Winfrey, former President George W. Bush recounted some key moments during his tenure in the White House. His decision not to attend the Katrina Flood immediately and the absence of WMD's in Iraq are things he regrets and describes in his new memoirs how they haunt him still. However, there are some even more intriguing personal revelation in "Decision Points" that tell of a man tortured by doubts of the past:
  • Has rejected offers to join Dancing With The Stars unless he can partner with Julianne Hough, but the calls are coming less frequently now.
  • After seeing Kanye West's "Bush hates black people" rant, Bush went to Siberia for 8 days to train like in Rocky IV, just in case the two ever met up.
  • Always wondered if he could have thought up a more original nickname for Condaleeza Rice than simply "Condi".
  • His first thought on 9/11 was that it was a sneak attack by Canada just like in 1812.
  • On more than one occasion during brush clearing exercises at his Crawford ranch, Bush cleared the brush of a neighbour (try not to make that sound dirty if you tell someone at the office).
  • Bush was dissuaded from using the power of the Oval Office to have Congress declare The Texas Rangers as "America's Team" and "Walker Texas Ranger" as "America's TV Show".
  • The screenplay he wrote while campaigning for re-election has still not been produced but he still has hopes for "Indiana Jones and The Hanging Gardens of Babylon (where there is a portal to a parallel dimension where weapons of mass destruction can be hidden)".

Monday, November 8, 2010

Scooby Doo & Lifestyle Choices

Halloween was over a week ago, but there is still fall-out from every ones favorite non-holiday "holiday". I had to post today on the following story making the rounds on Yahoo (so I have to assume it's legit):
It seems the 5 year old at the center of the controversy had wanted to dress as Daphne from "Scooby Doo" for Halloween and some of the other moms took offense. I'll let you read to story yourself to learn the other details. Aside from the silliness of the adults, the reader comments on the bottom really stand out as an example of taking things too far. The debate has quickly evolved into an issue of gender roles and equal rights.

What I wonder is why anyone thinks this has anything to do with the little boy's sexual identity? We have no idea what influenced his choice, but to assume it is because he wants to be a girl is a pretty big leap. If he had seen an episode of Sponge Bob that really spoke to him in which Patrick saved Sponge Bob and he dressed as a purple/pink starfish, should we assume he wished to be a invertebrate sea creature? Or even worse, since Patrick is not the title character, that the boy has self-esteem issues? Does a 4 year old wanting to dress as a Martian mean he has difficulty with identifying as a member of the human race? If a girl dresses as a vampire, should we worry she secretly harbors a desire to abandon her soul and join the undead?

My favorite Halloween costume has been, and continues to be "The Guy From CrimeStoppers" (A Man in his mid-40's of no fixed addressed wanted for questioning in relation to a series of break ins). Wearing a hoody and not shaving to achieve the affect has not yet lead to a life of crime.

We can never know what spark's a particular interest in a Halloween costume, but they are never seminal moment's in young person's life. I have been an ape, cowboy, spaceman, Dracula, pumpkin, hockey player and even a girl in my Halloween career, and have never pursued any of those identities past the night in question.

To paraphrase Sigmund Freud: Sometimes a Daphne costume is just a Daphne costume.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Demotivational Posters

The best weekend of the year is upon us. Everywhere in North America (except the Province of Saskatchewan) our clocks go back to Standard Time. What does this mean for you? An extra hour of sleep on Sunday morning!
Now you have no excuse for staying up late enjoying this week's Demotivational Posters.