Thursday, September 30, 2010

Meet the Flintsones

Today marks the 50th Anniversary of The Flintstones, one of the most significant TV shows of all time. It's hard to believe it was not originally a kids morning cartoon show but a prime time sitcom. To mark the event, here are my favorite Top Ten Episodes (in order or appearance and all before Gazoo apeared and wrecked the show):
  • The Swimming Pool: Fred and Barney decide to build a pool shared between their two yards. After a falling out they divide the pool and proceed to annoy one another.
  • The Prowler: A prowler is terrorizing the neighbourhood, so Fred takes judo classes. Wilma is forbidden but studies judo anyway. Fred decides to dress up as the prowler to teach her a lesson the same night the actual prowler strikes.
  • The Hot Piano: All you need to know is "88 Fingers Louie".
  • The Tycoon: Fred takes the place of a bored billionaire. I learned you only need three phrases to succeed in the business world: "Who's baby is that? What's your angle? I'll buy that."
  • In The Dough: Wilma and Betty win a baking contest for their "Flint-Rubble Double-Bubble Cake" but catch the measles. Fred and Barney decide to impersonate them. One of many times the men jump at the chance to cross dress.
  • Alvin Brickrock Presents: Fred suspects the neighborr of killing his wife. An homage to "Rear Window"
  • Flintsone of Prinstone: Fred goes back to school only to become the star of the football team.
  • The X-Ray Story: Due to a mix-up (there is always a mix-up) Fred is diagnosed with Dino's illness and must be kept away for days to save his life.
  • The Gambler: Fred's past as a compulsive gambler is revealed. "Bet, bet , bet, bet, bet, bet!"
  • The Buffalo Convetion: Fred and Barney fake a case of  "dispey-doddel-itis" to attend a lodge convention in Frantic City, but their plot foiled by Doozy the Dodo Bird.
  • The Return of Stoney Curtis: Tony Curtis (who also passed away today) comes to Bedrock to promote a movie and becomes the Flintsone's "Slave Boy".
What were some of your favorite episodes?

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

The Next Harry Potter?

This week, Oprah Winfrey will be broadcasting an interview with J.K. Rowling in which the author hints at a possible future Harry Potter book. A continuation to the blockbuster series has been rumored for some time, but still there has been no confirmation of the plot as Harry and Friends take on the adult world. Dogs & Jeans has discovered a list of Rowling's rejected sequel titles:
  • Harry Potter and the Inconsiderate Roommate
  • Harry Potter and the Internship of Abuse
  • Twilight Harry Potter
  • Harry Potter and the Psycho Ex-Girlfriend
  • Harry Potter and the Unreliable Condom
  • Law & Order: Hogwarts Castle
  • Harry Potter and the Fraudulent Insurance Claim
  • Harry Potter and the Compounding Interest Rate of Doom
  • Dancing with the Stars of the Wizarding World
  • Harry Potter and the Tormenting Nicotine Addiction
  • Harry Potter and the Divorce From Hell

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Mom Makes Money!

Recently it seems that nearly every web site I visit assaults me with pop ups bragging of how an ordinary woman in my neighbourhood is making more money that me every day! From home! Doing nothing more that browsing the Internet! Even better news is there is still an opportunity for me to get in on the action!

That paragraph alone used up all the exclamation marks in my CPU.

Trying to close the pop-up only leads to another pop-up warning me that if I navigate away I'll be missing out on some serious easy money. And operators are standing by ready to help me get one of the four remaining spots. In my neighbourhood! (There, I found another exclamation mark)

I wonder how the Internet knows I live in the same neighbourhood as this woman? Is it really that easy to make $379 a day just by reading CNN, checking my fantasy football stats and watching episodes of South Park on-line?

Call me a skeptic, but I think any ordinary housewives who are making that kind of money with a computer at home are likely taking off their bra's in front of a web cam. Come to think of it, that sounds better than my current job.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Killer Segway

This weekend, Jim Heselden, the owner of the company that produces the segway scooter, apparently drove his segway off a cliff. Authorities were able to recover the segway but Heselden did not survive.
We'll just let the irony wash over you.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Friday Demotivation

No theme today. Just fun.

Have a good weekend.














Thursday, September 23, 2010

Meet the GOP's Softer Side

The House Republican’s “Pledge to America” proposes several traditional conservative ideas such as reducing federal spending, the extension of Bush tax cuts and repealing the President’s health care bill. Each of these could be particularly divisive coming into the fall election period. However, the agenda also has contains some less controversial positions designed to attract new supporters:



BIRTHDAYS
The GOP has determined birthdays are fun and will fully support the celebration and the general merriment associated with birthdays. Furthermore, the party recognizes America’s diverse cultures and acknowledges bar/bat mitzvahs as "extra special."


KITTENS
Kittens are soft and fluffy. A Republican government will promote the advancement of cuddling and playing with kittens with balls of string or ribbons. From now on, all the party's ads will be made by the same people who brought you the Cottonelle kitten.

RAINBOWS
Rainbows, along with sunshine, gentle summer breezes and fluffy white clouds, provide essential elements of American culture. The GOP commits to preserving our inherent right as a nation to fully enjoy such aspects of our heritage free from persecution. The new-look party would not favour a free vote in favour of low lying fog.

LAUGHTER
While other parties have sought to restrict a person's access to laughter and all things humorous, a Republican government will encourage participation in such laughter-inducing activities as jokes, riddles and limericks. States will retain the right to manage tickling and mild horseplay.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Who Can Run the White House?

Dogs & Jeans is hearing rumors that White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel could leave his post as early as October in order to run for Chicago mayor. Unfortunately, the recent search for new judges for "American Idol" picked Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler, and the new season of "Dancing with the Stars" has left the available pool of suitable candidates very shallow. Among the remaining possible luminaries for White House Chief of Staff are:


  • Spencer Pratt
  • Michelle "Bombshell" McGee
  • Osama Bin Laden (if he'll answer his messages)
  • Betty White, Chloris Leachman, Valerie Harper or any other woman from The Mary Tyler Moore Show
  • Ashton Kutcher
  • Marge Simpson
  • Hugh Hefner
  • Courtney Love

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Be All That You Can Be, But Less Flamboyant Okay?

The following is a reposting of an earlier column, but I still think it was funny. So if you haven't read it before, pretend like it's new. And if you have read it, stop bitching! It's not like you are paying for content.

The Senate is voting today on the new "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy for the military. A Pentagon working group has begun studying "the issues associated with properly implementing a repeal" and launching a new, more humane and inclusive policy.

Dogs & Jeans' Crack Research Squad has obtained an advance draft of some of the suggested alternative programs to "Don't Ask, Don't Tell". It is expected that over the next year a series of focus groups will evaluate if these suggestions are more suitable, or at least, "catchier":

  • Ask, and Tell, and Giggle About It
  • Be Grateful Somebody With an Education is Taking the Pay-Cut to Serve
  • The Navy: Like a Gay Cruise, Only Drabber and Without Pilates
  • An Army of One (who is going to mind his or her own damn business)
  • Don't Ask, Don't Tell, but if you girls want to kiss a little, that's okay
  • Raising the Property Values of Military Bases Across the Globe
  • The US Marines: We Can Kick Your Asses AND Dance Too Bitches!
  • Homosexuals Hate Terrorists Too
  • Air Force: The Wild Blue Yonder Just Got Wilder

Monday, September 20, 2010

Signs Your GOP Candidate May Be A Witch

Delaware Republican Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell admitted to having an interest in witchcraft when she was in high school but no longer practices. However, in this tough political environment, can any of us take chances with such a thing? Dogs & Jeans has compiled a list of signs to help you determine if your candidate may still be a witch:


  • Attended a rally to protest the burning of "Harry Potter" books by "Lord of the Rings" fans
  • Keeps referring to her son-in-law as "Derwood"
  • Her kitchen has no fridge or stove, just a cauldron.
  • Continues to complain that magic in 'I Dream of Genie" would never work in the Real World of "Sabrina: The Teenage Witch"
  • You see her dating profile on plentyofwarlocks.com
  • Will only call President Obama "He Who Shall Not Be Named"
  • When cooking, her favorite spice is "Eye of Newt"
  • Her Halloween costume is just her normal clothes, only sluttier

Friday, September 17, 2010

Gratuitous Friday Demotivation

To counteract the inherent cuteness of last week's Friday Demotivation Animal Edition, this week features nothing but scantily clad (and in some cases digitally and surgically enhanced) women with low self-esteem. However, there are no reporters from TV Azteca.






































































































Wednesday, September 15, 2010

100 Worst Songs

AOL has posted a listing of the 100 Worst Songs Ever Recorded. While I don't agree with every item (why The Black Eyed Peas "I Gotta Feeling" is not on the list is a mystery), I have some thoughts on a few of them:

#92 Escape (The Pina Colada Song) by Rupert Holmes: I've always liked this song (having been stuck in the 70's since 1968) but never thought it ended well. Why did neither one of the people in the song understood they were both cheating whores, or maybe the strength in their relationship was their mutual delusion?

#89 Cherry Pie by Warrant: What stripper worth her pasties doesn't have a half decent pole routine to this classic?

#72 (Can't Live Without Your) Love and Affection by Nelson: These chicks were hot, until you realized they were dudes.

#56 Love Will Keep Us Together by The Captain and Tenille: And it has; they are both still together and performing. In In your face Haters!

#38 I'd Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That) by Meatloaf: I always figured he was referring to anal, but hey! It's Meatloaf! Of course he does anal.

# 17 MMMBop by Hanson: How this ever made it out of Oklahoma is a mystery, but thankfully these three brothers have faded back into the plains. Also, I frequently confuse them with The Moffats.

#3 Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice: Are you kidding me? That's a great song. And he ain't fakin'. He's cookin' MC's like a pound of bacon.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Reporter Risks Players' Lives

Recent controversy surrounding the potential harassment of TV Azteca reporter Ines Sainz has had a shocking turn-about. The New York Jets have filled a restraining order against Sainz barring her from the sidelines of remaining games this season citing "potential serious health risks to players."


"Look, having her around is just too risky," commented Jets coach Rex Ryan. "You see those jeans she was wearing? I could barely pay attention all game. And my libido is depressingly low. Think how that can affect a virile 245 lb man moving at 20 miles per hour! That girl is just a concussion waiting to happen!"


When asked why the same standard was not applied for cheerleaders on the sidelines Ryan responded, "The boys are used to that since high-school. It's like ignoring the marching band, or the referee's whistle. You can't expect somebody full of steroids and amphetamines to think clearly when confronted by a new, sexy Latina stimulus."


TV Azteca was unavailable for comment, but their phone message asked us to be sure to tune in for their latest Telenovella: Caliente Futebol Corazone.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Book Burning Benefits

Last week's threatened burning of the Quran by a Gainesville Florida preacher has resulted in and unexpected upsurge in interest in the Muslim holy book. Congregations of several churches and synagogues were treated to readings from pasages of the Quran as part of a unity celebration. Across the US, libraries reported an upswing of borrowers requesting copies of the Muslim bible as Christians sought to understand the issues.

Supporters of other works of literature are jumping on the "Book Burning Bandwagon" as an innovative form of guerrilla marketing to increase readership of their book of choice:


  • In an embrace of irony, Northwestern University will be setting fire on-line to the publishers proof of Fahrenheit 451

  • A Boston area library is threatening to sink 100 copies of Moby Dick in the Charles River

  • Glenlawn Middle School in Terre Haute will be burying a flat of Ivanhoe behind the portables for 3 years

  • The Seattle School Board is hiding 75 copies of David Copperfield at various locations throughout the city for students to find. For an added incentive, one copy contains 2 tickets to a Nirvana reunion show (if one ever happens).

  • Rival gang members in Los Angeles have pledged to put aside their differences and in a show of unity, mow down a stack of Last of the Mohicans in a hail of automatic weapons.

Not surprisingly, the NY Public Library was considering burning copies of Lolita but there is such a long wait list for them, and so many "go missing" every year, they abandoned the idea.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Friday Demotivation: Animal Edition

Yesterday's challenge to write a news story using the 10 most popular search terms on Yahoo had only one entry. So like the only dog in the dog show (Sit, don't sit, it doesn't matter), the winning entry was Andrew Green's:

"Willow Smith and Rachel Dratch to get married....
Kelsey Grammer writes a book about male menopause with a foreword by Katie Holmes."

Well done Andrew. We hope you enjoy your brand new Hyundai Sonata. (I bet everyone wishes they submitted a story now!)

So, onto the Friday Demotivation. It's all animals this week. Because everybody like kitties (and coyotes). Next week will likely be all-titties (because they are very popular too).