Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Canada Day Demotivation

July 1st is Canada Day, celebrated annually in (shockingly) Canada. This year our country is 143 years old, making it still the youngest nation in North America. In recognition, Dogs & Jeans is posting a special Canada Demotivational poster series.
Enjoy the back bacon and beer everyone!

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

NYC's Ivana Humpalot?

FBI agents arrested a beautiful New York socialite for allegedly being a Russian spy. Wealthy up-town divorcee Anna Chapman apparently met several times to exchange information with her Russian counterparts at Manhattan coffee shops and book stores. While the FBI has not yet released the nature of the secrets handed over by the 28 year old Facebook aficionado, Dogs & Jeans Crack Research Squad may have uncovered some of the juicy tidbits she revealed:

  • Which divorce attorneys will be more aggressive if you have sex with them.
  • The true identity of the "Gossip Girl".
  • How to find a rent controlled apartment on the Lower East Side.
  • The location of Manolo Blahnik outlet store in New Jersey.
  • Photo evidence that Paris Hilton eats actual food.
  • The correct bribe amount to get your kids accepted at Dalton Prep school.
  • Where to ensure you are photographed eating with Derek Jeter.
  • How to bump someone else's wedding at The Plaza for your own.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Friday Demotivation

Okay, okay. I get it. Blog readers of Dogs & Jeans are not turned on by World Cup Soccer. That is the only explanation I can think of for the poor numbers this week for the following posts:

Or for the tepid responses to the last two weeks of Friday Demotivation, each featuring a soccer theme.

So, today we return to the random jackassery of Friday Demotivational Posters that people seem to love so much.

Have a great weekend.

P.S. Go Ghana!!!!!

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Signs You Have Caught Soccer Fever

With the Landon Donovan's stunning extra time goal yesterday, there has been a surge in soccer interest in the the U.S. But how can you tell if you have caught this "World Cup Fever"?

  • You get in a fist fight with a coworker over who has the sexiest fans: Mexico or Brazil

  • You find yourself correcting people who say a "zero-zero tie" instead of a "scoreless draw"

  • You can distinguish between Uruguay and Paraguay on a map

  • You even know that Uruguay and Paraguay are in South America.

  • You wear face paint, even on non-game days.

  • You obsess about how a second yellow card to Jozy Altidore during Saturday's match with Ghana might affect the strategy.

  • You wake yourself in the night shouting "GOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

  • You own a vuvuzela

  • You can only "get it on" when your wife wears the soccer bra.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

What Can't Landon Donovan Do?

With his miracle goal in the 91st minute, longtime US Soccer member Landon Donovan has sent the US into the next round of the 2010 World Cup. The captain, a stalwart of the national program has been elevated to National Hero with one kick! Dogs & Jeans fells he should put his God-given abilities to create a few more miracles:

  • Jam soccer balls in the broken well to stop the BP oil leak in the Gulf.
  • Restore Tiger Woods ability to win tournaments and stay faithful to his wife
  • Rid Lindsey Lohan of the desire for alcohol and drugs so she can make "Mean Girls 2: Sorority Slumber Party"
  • Seek the Republican nomination in 2012 so we don't have to suffer through Sarah Palin's campaign
  • Eliminate fat from all of our tastiest foods while still retaining the flavor
  • Implement a playoff system for college football.
  • Reduce the popularity of all the Kardashians to focus on just one. We only need one Kardashian for crying out loud!
  • Three words: Find Bin Laden

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Signs Michael Jackson is Really Dead

The anniversary of Michael Jackson's death is this coming Friday. It's hard to believe a whole year has past but, like a kidney stone, it has. For those of you still suffering from shock and disbelief, here are some signs that, in fact, the King of Pop has shuffled off this mortal coil:

  • Decreased video surveillance at Los Angeles playgrounds
  • The Jackson estate actually turned a healthy profit
  • Jackson is now remembered as the star of "The Wiz" and not "Captain Eo"
  • The chimp and giraffe on Sunset Boulevard holding the cardboard sign stating "Will moon walk for food"
  • Michael Jackson impersonators at are busier than ever
  • A surplus of idle child molestation attorneys in California
  • People actually went to see 'This Is It"
  • We have been reminded that he was married to Lisa Marie Presley. I mean, doesn't that seem so bizarre now?
  • It's the first time in a decade anyone mentioned Tito or Jermaine in the same breath.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Where Have All the Readers Gone?

Over the past month, the number of visitors to Dogs & Jeans has dropped by nearly half. This has occurred despite the material being posted has continued to be contemporary jackassery of the highest degree.

An extensive study commissioned by Google of the readership has discovered that many readers have not visited for the following reasons:
  • 10% of liberal readers feel the blog is too critical of the Obama administration's handling of BP Oil Disaster.

  • 15% of conservative readers believe Sarah Palin's recently enlarged breasts are proof that Jesus still works miracles in our everyday life.

  • 28% of male readers print Dogs & Jeans posts to read on the john and a recent increase in paper prices have curtailed their literature.

  • 1 in 5 dentists recommend marzipan rather than Crest toothpaste for fighting cavities.

  • 11% of female readers feel the use of suggestive pictures of scantily clad women on blog posts is a gratuitous ploy to increase readership.

  • The other 89% of female readers fell the scantily clad women featured on blog posts are "skinny bitches" but would support them on an upcoming edition of 'The Bachelor'.

  • 21% of readers who are soccer fans have suffered brain damage due to hours of vuvuzela playing.

However the biggest reason for the drop in visitors appears to be that it's summertime and most people have better things to do that sit inside reading blogs!

Go outside, for crying out loud. It is going to be rainy November soon enough.

Friday, June 18, 2010

World Cup Soccer Demotivation Week 2

We are half way through the round of 32 and already there is so much to laugh at at the World Cup.
Enjoy the posters folks!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Too Many Sports Thursday

If you are a big sports fan, then today is a great day for you. Here's what's on the menu:

  • World Cup Soccer: The big match to see today is France vs. Mexico.

  • The US Open Golf Day 1: The story lines are, "Can Tiger tame Pebble Beach like days of old?" and "Can Phil win his missing Slam?"

  • NBA Finals: Celtics vs Lakers. Game 7. 'Nuff said.

  • MLB: Interleague play continues with a key match-up between the Yankees and Phillies.

  • College Football: Utahs' response to the PAC-10 invitation.

If you are not a sports fan, then I'm afraid you are SOL because Trooper is. He won't be posting any jackassery today.

Update: Mexico 2-0 over France. Goodbye France

Come back tomorrow for Demotivational Friday.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Hot Dutch Girls

The 2010 World Cup of Soccer has been as free of controversHot Dutch Soccer Girls sexy fansy as it has been scoring. The blaring sound of 90 minutes of horns has been drowning out the muffled cry of complains about the ridiculous number of scoreless ties.

That was until Sunday when a group of about 30 lovely ladies from the Netherlands attended the match between Holland and Denmark. During the game the orange-clad lovelies made their presence know and caught the attention not only of a bored TV asexy dutch soccer girls orange fansudience, but the ire of FIFA, soccer's governing body.

It turns out the girls were not so much soccer fans as they were spokes models for a Dutch beer company and their scantly-clad orange antics were a marketing ploy.But who cares? Anything to liven up the succession of 0-0 games between Uruguay and France or Portugal and the Ivory Coast.

However, for people interested in knowing more about the Hot Dutch Girls, the danger lies in typing "Hot Dutch Girls" into your Google browser while at work. There is an awful lot more of "unrelated" material that comes up with that. So Dogs & Jeans would like to suggest some other nicknames for the ladies so the world can brows for them at the office in safety:

  • The New Golden Girls
  • The Soccerfemmes
  • Dutch Treat; and my personal favorite
  • The Vuvuzelas

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Obama's Thesaurus

It would appear that President Obama hauled out his trusty thesaurus when preparing today's speech. In calling the Gulf oil spill "unprecedented" he didn't really break any ground, linguistically speaking. While a spill of this magnitude has never happened before, there has been plenty of 'precedent' for oil spills on American shores. Perhaps the next time, Mr. Obama could take a tip from the Scripps Spelling Bee people and try some more colorful words when describing the BP fiasco:
  • Interlocutory
  • Laodicean
  • Schadenfreude
  • Pfeffernuss
  • Onamatopoeiac
  • Eudamonic
  • Ascetic
  • Canonical
  • Insouciant
  • Syllepsis
  • Esquamulose

Monday, June 14, 2010

Worse Than Soccer

If you have watched more that 5 minutes of coverage of the World Cup of Soccer, no doubt you ill have heard the vuvuzela, a horn-blowing tradition at South African soccer games. For North Americans, this "swarm of bees" is so annoying it makes a person want to stab his eardrums with a knitting needle. However a recent study at Harvard University has identified 10 sounds even more annoying:

  1. Discussions on news magazines about whether or not Sarah Palin had a boob job.
  2. Any musical performances on 'Glee'.
  3. A Kardashian clamouring for more attention than her sister.
  4. Lamar Odom clamouring for more attention than his Kardashian wife.
  5. The savage criticism in the British press for goal keeper Robert Green's mistake.
  6. The idiot guys on 'The Bachelorette' trying to out-macho each other.
  7. A crying baby being struck by a howling bags of cats, that is being swung by a singing Celine Dion, who is being encouraged by Garth Brooks.
  8. The Tea Party.
  9. Joe Jackson blaming his wife for Michael's death.
  10. Excuses from BP oil executives.