- Get married on a Friday after work
- Don't invite any family or friends
- Make sure the wind and rain let up for an hour
- Have the minister get lost and arrive half an hour late
- Surprise your bride with one of her favorite songs on guitar
- Don't tell anyone where you are going for your Honeymoon
- Love your bride more than anything!
Monday, May 31, 2010
Friday, May 28, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Unlike the traditional "date" movie staring Matthew McConaughey and Jennifer Garner/Lopez/Hudson/Bullock, "Sex and the City" doesn't get a woman all warm and squishy. There is too much man-bashing and sister-empowerment. Those gazes of longing you think you see from the seat next to you in the theatre are actually contempt. Even though the women engage in sex, it is presented as liberating and men are merely transient fixtures in the bedroom. A guy is just as likely to be broken up with after the film as he is break a sweat in the sack.
Conversely, an equal number of husbands will get to stay home while their wives go off with three of four good friends for an evening of cinema and cocktails. Married men do so because: a) they realize there is nothing to be gained from going to a film they don't want to see and b) their wives don't want to listen to them complain about the movie all the way through.
The FBI has even issued their own warning about the film.
So for those single guys who have to suffer through 90 minutes of vibrators, shoes and frenetic urban living, Dogs & Jeans would like to present the Sex & The City Drinking Game. Simply smuggle in a bottle of your favorite spirits, mix it in with the $7 cup of Mountain Dew and follow these simple instructions:
Take One Drink When:
- Carrie says "I couldn't help but wonder..."
- Miranda complains about Steve.
- Charlotte complains about Harry.
- Samantha says "Let's Go Girls!"
Take Two Drinks When:
- Carrie clutches a pair of shoes to her face and squeals.
- Miranda bitches about motherhood impacting her career.
- Charlotte finds something positive in a crummy situation.
- Samantha announces she had sex in any location the other women mention, like F.A.O Schwartz, Coney Island or Yankee Stadium (new or old).
Bottoms Up When:
- Carrie is confused about her feelings for a past lover and/or ruins her current relationship because of her neuroses.
- Miranda breaks down and confesses that her strong, independent exterior is all a facade and she just wants someone to take care of her.
- Charlotte swears.
- Samantha has her ankles above her ears while having aggressive sex with someone she just met.
At this rate, you should be able to have at least one re-fill of the large size cup.
Friday, May 21, 2010
If anyone is in the Victoria BC area on Sunday night at 8, I'll be performing at Hecklers Comedy Club. Come on by and say "Hi" to Trooper.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
- Photos surface of Miss USA pole dancing in your campaign office.
- John Travolta and the Church of Scientology endorse your candidacy as it will "create better ties with the people from Theta".
- The creators of 'Lost' reference your campaign in an episode and even die-hard 'Lost' fans don't understand it.
- CBS announces your campaign reminds them of "Ghost Whisperer."
- Eliot Spitzer declares that if he could vote for someone other that himself, he'd vote for you.
- Your tax reform proposal is on Toyota's latest recall list.
- BP retracts their endorsement of you for fear it will tarnish their reputation.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
"You forgot something" I told her.
She replied "And what's that?".
"Your wedding dress", I said.
"Yeah, I am not taking that" was her response.
"What do you expect me to do with it?" I asked.
And to that she replied, "Whatever the $%^@# you want".
And this is what I did.....
Help me come up with 101 uses for this dress. I have many good ones but need more to complete 101. The current list can be found under THE (NOT QUITE) 101 USES tab. Please submit your ideas by making a comment. Thanks.'
It's is worth your time to click over to My Ex-Wife's Wedding Dress and give Kevin some tips to get him to the 101 uses. As well, you can share your own sob story about divorce and wedding fashion.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Regardless of the topic of the specific episodes (such as “I’m leaving You For Your Lesbian Sister” to “I Can’t Get My Teenage Daughter To Stop Getting Pregnant”), the basic premise of the show is always the same. A collection of individuals is hiding a secret so humiliating and personal, the only place for them to reveal it to their friends and family is to do so on national television. As the shameful truth is confessed, the confessee’s shock and pain is compounded by hooting and applause from the audience. Often the participants come to blows on the stage and must be separated while their verbal exchange is bleeped.
At the end of the show, the various participants are lined up together on the stage and Jerry facilitates abuse by the audience. It’s certainly no Algonquin Roundtable.
As an aside, I wonder why anyone is surprised to be told something horrifying about their relationship on the Jerry Springer Show? It’s the freaking Jerry Springer Show! You weren’t invited to come on stage to discuss gardening tips or learn new methods of healthy weight loss.
But perhaps the educational system in America has let us all down and many people feel shows like Jerry’s are their only method for coming clean about their transgressions. So for all you potential Confessors out there, Dogs & Jeans offers a few alternatives for assuaging your guilt:
Scenario: You are sleeping with your spouse’s sibling
Understand there is no good way to admit what’s going on and people will get hurt. However, the old adage of “Keep it in the Family” really does apply here (even though you have taken the literal definition too far). Instead, select a private venue for telling your partner and involve only your family. If you can’t wait for Thanksgiving Dinner, use a summer family reunion BBQ as the platform.
Scenario: You have not revealed to your new lover that you are transgendered.
This seems to be a favorite of Jerry Springer. The show’s producers would have us believe that there is a significant portion of the population who are unable to recognize that a large Adam’s apple on a woman or the absence of a penis on a man usually means that individual is a member of the opposite sex. Now I can understand that in the early stages of a relationship, a person might be reluctant to tell a new flame that they have the wrong plumbing but you need to come up with a better “reveal” strategy before bedroom activities force the issue. Perhaps a airplane advertising banner or an ad in the “Penny Saver” section for ‘Trapped in the Wrong Body’.
Many episodes have been devoted to people who admit to their partners that they are putting food on the table by hooking. Why a participant in the World’s Oldest Profession would choose to confess that on the World’s Scummiest TV Show I’ll never know. Here’s a thought; quit your job and never mention it again.
If, for some reason you want to keep hooking but have a clean conscious, get it over quickly. Why not arrange to be the hired “entertainer” at your partner’s workplace?
If you are also transgendered as in the above scenario, you could kill two birds with one stone jumping out of the cake with your pants down.
Friday, May 14, 2010
So I didn't.
Here's a bunch of posters.
Enjoy your weekend.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
A mom who has put up with 2 boys running around has been dreaming about dressing up her “little girl” and a dad surrounded by pirouetting mini-ballerinas has longed to toss a football with his son. If Kids 1 & 2 are both boys or both girls, Kid 3 will receive special status is they are of the opposite sex.
If Kid 3 is the third born of a set of triplets, he or she will not receive any diminished status. The irony is that having triplets so fatigues Mom and Dad so much that all three kids really don’t have it too good anyway.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
True to form, Dogs & Jeans Crack Research Squad has received an advance copy of the book and it contains even more shocking details than the last book:
- At a fundraiser last summer, she suggested to Arizona Governor Jan Brewer that the state had too many "Dang Furiners".
- She introduced Anne Hathaway to a young art enthusiast friend.
- Prior to the Players Championship, she convinced Tiger Woods that she gives "the best neck massages in Alaska".
- Was touring the that oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico, saw the huge red 'Self Destruct - Do Not Push" button, and she pushed it.
- She convinced Tyra Banks that there weren't enough fantasy novels about the world of modeling. Or Vampires. And now Tyra Banks is writing one! Palin is a Monster!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
- "You remind me of my First Love Spencer. Give us a kiss Spencer!"
- "I'm glad you're not Jewish"
- "Whatever you smell, it was the corgi's fault"
- "For your first act as Prime Minister, I order you to take back the American Colonies!"
- "Is it my bath day Doctor?"
- "I don't like the look of you. Bring back the other guy!"
- "Congratulations on winning the talent contest Miss Boyd"