Monday, May 31, 2010

How To Have The Perfect Wedding

  • Get married on a Friday after work

  • Don't invite any family or friends

  • Make sure the wind and rain let up for an hour

  • Have the minister get lost and arrive half an hour late

  • Surprise your bride with one of her favorite songs on guitar

  • Don't tell anyone where you are going for your Honeymoon

  • Love your bride more than anything!

Friday, May 28, 2010

Friday Demotivation

Trooper Thorn is getting married today, which got us to thinking about life and it's grand concepts. Because of that, and since there really isn't time to think of anything clever to post, here are some Demotivational Posters to make you consider ideas like Envy, Time, Religion etc.

Happy Weekend!

Thursday, May 27, 2010

How To Survive New York Sex

The second installment of the "Sex and The City" franchise opens in theatres tonight. Over the next few weeks, thousands of boyfriends will be accompanying their partners to the movie, in hopes of "gettin' some" afterwards. While supporting your lady's desire to keep up with Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte will definitely put a man in her Good Books, it is no guarantee of action between the sheets later on.

Unlike the traditional "date" movie staring Matthew McConaughey and Jennifer Garner/Lopez/Hudson/Bullock, "Sex and the City" doesn't get a woman all warm and squishy. There is too much man-bashing and sister-empowerment. Those gazes of longing you think you see from the seat next to you in the theatre are actually contempt. Even though the women engage in sex, it is presented as liberating and men are merely transient fixtures in the bedroom. A guy is just as likely to be broken up with after the film as he is break a sweat in the sack.

Conversely, an equal number of husbands will get to stay home while their wives go off with three of four good friends for an evening of cinema and cocktails. Married men do so because: a) they realize there is nothing to be gained from going to a film they don't want to see and b) their wives don't want to listen to them complain about the movie all the way through.

The FBI has even issued their own warning about the film.

So for those single guys who have to suffer through 90 minutes of vibrators, shoes and frenetic urban living, Dogs & Jeans would like to present the Sex & The City Drinking Game. Simply smuggle in a bottle of your favorite spirits, mix it in with the $7 cup of Mountain Dew and follow these simple instructions:

Take One Drink When:
  • Carrie says "I couldn't help but wonder..."
  • Miranda complains about Steve.
  • Charlotte complains about Harry.
  • Samantha says "Let's Go Girls!"

Take Two Drinks When:

  • Carrie clutches a pair of shoes to her face and squeals.
  • Miranda bitches about motherhood impacting her career.
  • Charlotte finds something positive in a crummy situation.
  • Samantha announces she had sex in any location the other women mention, like F.A.O Schwartz, Coney Island or Yankee Stadium (new or old).

Bottoms Up When:

  • Carrie is confused about her feelings for a past lover and/or ruins her current relationship because of her neuroses.
  • Miranda breaks down and confesses that her strong, independent exterior is all a facade and she just wants someone to take care of her.
  • Charlotte swears.
  • Samantha has her ankles above her ears while having aggressive sex with someone she just met.

At this rate, you should be able to have at least one re-fill of the large size cup.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Friday Demotivation & Comedy

Welcome to the Long Weekend! Here are a few Demotivational Posters to get the good times rolling (Sorry Bud Light Dude)!

If anyone is in the Victoria BC area on Sunday night at 8, I'll be performing at Hecklers Comedy Club. Come on by and say "Hi" to Trooper.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Signs You Are Going to Lose An Election

Several long-time political incumbents lost their re-election races on Tuesday. While this may have come as a shock to many, for those who know how to read the political winds, there are some concrete sing that your campaign is about to go down in flames:

  • Photos surface of Miss USA pole dancing in your campaign office.

  • John Travolta and the Church of Scientology endorse your candidacy as it will "create better ties with the people from Theta".

  • The creators of 'Lost' reference your campaign in an episode and even die-hard 'Lost' fans don't understand it.

  • CBS announces your campaign reminds them of "Ghost Whisperer."

  • Eliot Spitzer declares that if he could vote for someone other that himself, he'd vote for you.

  • Your tax reform proposal is on Toyota's latest recall list.

  • BP retracts their endorsement of you for fear it will tarnish their reputation.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

101 Uses For a Wedding Dress

We are deep in the throws of Wedding Season in North America. I thought I should write about the nuptials, since I have had some experience. However nothing I could come up with was the least bit original (plus I actually like being married and will happily venture there again). So I was stuck.

Then I came across this website: My Ex-Wife's Wedding Dress. Dogs & Jeans doesn't often promote other blogs but this was too good. I'll let the site's host Kevin tell you the story in his own words:

'My wife of 12 years recently packed up her belongings and moved out of our home. After her car was loaded I couldn't help but notice that a single item remained in her section of our closet, her wedding dress.
"You forgot something" I told her.
She replied "And what's that?".
"Your wedding dress", I said.
"Yeah, I am not taking that" was her response.
"What do you expect me to do with it?" I asked.
And to that she replied, "Whatever the $%^@# you want".
And this is what I did.....
Help me come up with 101 uses for this dress. I have many good ones but need more to complete 101. The current list can be found under THE (NOT QUITE) 101 USES tab. Please submit your ideas by making a comment. Thanks.'

Since that time, Kevin has used the dress as a:
  • Campfire chair

  • Pasta strainer

  • Jump rope

  • Sports event banner

  • Door mat

  • Gym towel

It's is worth your time to click over to My Ex-Wife's Wedding Dress and give Kevin some tips to get him to the 101 uses. As well, you can share your own sob story about divorce and wedding fashion.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Why Are You On Springer?

Through a series of circumstances I won’t go into, I found myself in a position to watch Jerry Springer the other day. Like many readers, I have had the strange displeasure to watch this “program” over the years and at each viewing I am amazed by the diminished mental capacity of both the “guests” and the audience members.
white trash on Springer
Regardless of the topic of the specific episodes (such as “I’m leaving You For Your Lesbian Sister” to “I Can’t Get My Teenage Daughter To Stop Getting Pregnant”), the basic premise of the show is always the same. A collection of individuals is hiding a secret so humiliating and personal, the only place for them to reveal it to their friends and family is to do so on national television. As the shameful truth is confessed, the confessee’s shock and pain is compounded by hooting and applause from the audience. Often the participants come to blows on the stage and must be separated while their verbal exchange is bleeped.

At the end of the show, the various participants are lined up together on the stage and Jerry facilitates abuse by the audience. It’s certainly no Algonquin Roundtable.

As an aside, I wonder why anyone is surprised to be told something horrifying about their relationship on the Jerry Springer Show? It’s the freaking Jerry Springer Show! You weren’t invited to come on stage to discuss gardening tips or learn new methods of healthy weight loss.

But perhaps the educational system in America has let us all down and many people feel shows like Jerry’s are their only method for coming clean about their transgressions. So for all you potential Confessors out there, Dogs & Jeans offers a few alternatives for assuaging your guilt:

Scenario: You are sleeping with your spouse’s sibling
Understand there is no good way to admit what’s going on and people will get hurt. However, the old adage of “Keep it in the Family” really does apply here (even though you have taken the literal definition too far). Instead, select a private venue for telling your partner and involve only your family. If you can’t wait for Thanksgiving Dinner, use a summer family reunion BBQ as the platform.

Scenario: You have not revealed to your new lover that you are transgendered.
This seems to be a favorite of Jerry Springer. The show’s producers would have us believe that there is a significant portion of the population who are unable to recognize that a large Adam’s apple on a woman or the absence of a penis on a man usually means that individual is a member of the opposite sex. Now I can understand that in the early stages of a relationship, a person might be reluctant to tell a new flame that they have the wrong plumbing but you need to come up with a better “reveal” strategy before bedroom activities force the issue. Perhaps a airplane advertising banner or an ad in the “Penny Saver” section for ‘Trapped in the Wrong Body’.

Scenario: You are working on the side as a prostitute.
Many episodes have been devoted to people who admit to their partners that they are putting food on the table by hooking. Why a participant in the World’s Oldest Profession would choose to confess that on the World’s Scummiest TV Show I’ll never know. Here’s a thought; quit your job and never mention it again.

If, for some reason you want to keep hooking but have a clean conscious, get it over quickly. Why not arrange to be the hired “entertainer” at your partner’s workplace?

If you are also transgendered as in the above scenario, you could kill two birds with one stone jumping out of the cake with your pants down.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Friday Demotivation

There were too many items in the news this week: the British election, riots in Thailand, Lybian plane crash, the Supreme Court nomination and the ongoing effort to contain the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. It was too difficult to decide on a theme for the Friday Demotivation.

So I didn't.
Here's a bunch of posters.

Enjoy your weekend.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

When Three Kids is Too Many

I have seen a few blogs recently which lament the treatment the Third Kid receives. It’s a fairly typical story. Mom and Dad were so excited when Kid 1 arrived, they photographed and documented everything. Each first (word, step, birthday, lost tooth etc) was a moment of Smithsonian proportions. After just six months, there existed more video footage than a Ken Burns documentary.
Then along came Kid 2. While Kid 2 was no so miraculous and cherished, there was a an ease to raising the second baby because “frankly, we’ve been here before and we know what we’re doing.” In addition, Kid 1 was still breaking exciting new ground to maintain the Mom and Dad’s interest in being parents.
However, by the time Kid 3 arrives, Kid 1 is no longer cute, Kid 2 is only treading old ground and the idea of being parents has really lost it’s lustre. The excited or experienced Mom and Dad Kid 1 and Kid 2 enjoyed (respectively) are so tired and burnt out, it’s a miracle there was enough energy to conceive Kid 3.
However, there are a two exceptions to the Rule of Third Child Exhaustion which can keep Kid 3 from being considered something more than just a family organ donor:
Unique Gender:
A mom who has put up with 2 boys running around has been dreaming about dressing up her “little girl” and a dad surrounded by pirouetting mini-ballerinas has longed to toss a football with his son. If Kids 1 & 2 are both boys or both girls, Kid 3 will receive special status is they are of the opposite sex.
If Kid 3 is the third born of a set of triplets, he or she will not receive any diminished status. The irony is that having triplets so fatigues Mom and Dad so much that all three kids really don’t have it too good anyway.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Stop Palin, Before She Writes Again!

It would appear that all the personal secrets revealed in Sarah Palin's First Book (as previously chronicled by Dogs & Jeans) were only the tip of the iceberg. Publisher Harper Collins has decided that there is enough interest in the rock encrusted ice below the waterline of Palin's chunk of giant floating frozen water they are releasing another book this November.

True to form, Dogs & Jeans Crack Research Squad has received an advance copy of the book and it contains even more shocking details than the last book:

  • At a fundraiser last summer, she suggested to Arizona Governor Jan Brewer that the state had too many "Dang Furiners".
  • She introduced Anne Hathaway to a young art enthusiast friend.
  • Prior to the Players Championship, she convinced Tiger Woods that she gives "the best neck massages in Alaska".
  • Was touring the that oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico, saw the huge red 'Self Destruct - Do Not Push" button, and she pushed it.
  • She convinced Tyra Banks that there weren't enough fantasy novels about the world of modeling. Or Vampires. And now Tyra Banks is writing one! Palin is a Monster!

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Have You Met The Queen?

The new British Prime Minister met with Queen Elizabeth II today as his first act of forming a new government. Here is a list of things David Cameron didn't want to hear from Her Majesty:

  • "You remind me of my First Love Spencer. Give us a kiss Spencer!"
  • "I'm glad you're not Jewish"
  • "Whatever you smell, it was the corgi's fault"
  • "For your first act as Prime Minister, I order you to take back the American Colonies!"
  • "Is it my bath day Doctor?"
  • "I don't like the look of you. Bring back the other guy!"
  • "Congratulations on winning the talent contest Miss Boyd"

Monday, May 10, 2010

Oil Leaks Aren't Kids' Stuff!

Crude oil continues to gush from the floor of the Gulf of Mexico today, despite round the clock efforts. The failure of BP's large containment unit has led the oil company to explore other options including a smaller containment (The Top Hat) and stuffing it with rubber (The Bath Plug).

With imaginations near the breaking point, BP has enlisted the help of classic 1960's toy manufacturer Ideal Games to devise a way of stopping the oil flow. Some of the proposals include giant versions of:


The strength of this proposal is the bowling ball falling through the bathtub setting off the diver with the back flip. The semi-porous trap basket will also need to be reinforced, at least temporarily. However, experts are divided over the accuracy of the boot kicking the ball bearing down the rickety flight of stairs.

While this proposal bears some resemblance to the failed "giant containment unit", scientist are hopeful that the cascade of marbles brought on when the "linchpin" stick is removed will be sufficient to stop the outflow. A secondary unit may be employed to retrieve dislodged marbles from the little tray at the bottom and return them to the top of the Kerplunk feeder unit.
Hands Down:

Considered the long shot of the Ideal Games Strategy, Hands Down may provide a stop gap measure if engineers can coordinate the correct sequence of slapping down the paddles.
Waiting in the wings for their shot is game company Milton Bradley with their deep sea version of Hungry Hungry Hippos.