Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
- Use Facebook to find old high school acquaintances who never replied to any of the hate mail you have been sending them for the past 20 years. Start the intimidation all over!
- One word: Macrame
- Write a children's book series about an orphaned wizard named Barry Kotter who has adventures at a magical boarding school, but set it in Paraguay so it is completely different than those other stories.
- Put on a bunch of weight like Kirstie Alley, but unlike Kirstie Alley, don't lose any.
- I hear that building a koi pond can be very enjoyable.
- Invent a time machine and go back two weeks to re-do your NCAA bracket so that Butler is in the Final 4.
- There is still porn on the Internet isn't there? What about that? That might be fun...
Friday, March 26, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
- The popular TV show "The Hills" will remain a "scripted" reality show, but all actors are to ride burros at all times to increase a sense of spontaneity.
- In Wyoming, possession of a stomach large enough to hang down and cover a person's genitals is punishable by public caning.
- The use of texting devices is banned on all interstate highways but playing Wii games is still permissible.
- If the Chicago Cubs have not won the World Series by 2016, a special Championship will be issued in their honor and the entire franchise will be retired, never to play again.
- Buddhism is now the official religion of the United States, but only the tantric part of it.
- Justin Beiber is too cute and must receive a monthly acne virus shot from the CDC until he is 21.
- New Orleans Saints' quarterback Drew Brees will be canonized to become an actual saint.
- "Dancing With The Stars" is the new official National Pastime.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Tiger Wood’s recent admission of infidelity and promiscuity have worried other Golf Tour pros the Tiger will have an unfair “sympathy” advantage coming into this year’s Masters Tournament. This morning, many of the top ranked players are scrambling to reveal the personal demons that haunt them. Of course not everyone can have a scandalous personal flaw that is as attention-grabbing as a sexual addiction: The following list reveals inner battles and private shames so deep, it makes their professional successes all the more remarkable:
- Jim Furyk: Unable to carry a tune
- K.J. Choi: Adolescent bed-wetter
- Bubba Watson: Lactose-intolerant
- Retief Goosen: Still doesn't believe the Village People were gay
- Stephen Ames: Fear of heights
- Steve Stricker: Cannot distinguish Coke from Pepsi
- Nick O’Hern: Allergic to cats
- Padraig Harrington: Secret vegetarian
- Justin Rose: Colorblind
- Bill Haas: Burns easily outdoors
- Justin Leonard: Born in Manitoba
- David Toms: Can only make right-hand turns
Friday, March 19, 2010
Thursday, March 18, 2010
- "Heidi Montag is a talented actress!"
- "Obama's health care plan won't increase taxes!"
- "The in-store McDonalds employees don't wash their hands!"
- "Glenn Beck gets botox injections in his hand so he can masturbate and think it's a stranger!"
- "Only terrorists fill in a bracket for March Madness!"
- "American Idol is not as good without Paula Abdul!"
- "I did not have sexual relations with that woman!"
- "Watching Jersey Shore makes you smarter!"
- "Sarah Palin will not become President, but after her death, she will be remembered as America's Favorite Children's Entertainer/Weekend Arsonist!"
- "Belgium is responsible for Global Warming!"
- "Hockey will soon take over from the NFL as America's most watched sport!"
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Can you imagine if there was one Olympics for men and a second one two weeks later for women? What about one for white people and a second for everyone else? Imagine that the first games received all the sponsors and coverage? So why should handicapped people suffer the same ignominy?
Monday, March 15, 2010
- Maintenance workers begin dismantling the nets during your practice to prepare for Homecoming 6 months early.
- The cuddly animal mascot has been replaced by Lady Gaga.
- In an article in Playboy, John Mayer adds your school to the list of people he won't have sex with.
- Unless you are Michigan State, Gerald Butler declares "You Are Not Sparta!!"
- Pete Rose denied betting on you.
- Your campus is selected as the site for the next Twilight movie Zombies Got No Game.
- Your program has been endorsed by the Democrats.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
- "Like a Virgin", but not for much longer
- The official clothing line of "To Catch a Predator"
- For when your kids are too old for Baby Gap but not old enough for Fredricks of Hollywood
- "Papa Don't Preach"; all the 10 year old girls wear thongs now.
- Clothes endorsed by John and Patsy Ramsey
- Every mini-skirt and tube top set comes with the pop-up edition of her "Sex" book.
- "Who's That Girl" dressed like a hooker in the playground?
- Coming next year is the Kabbalah Kids line
- It's "Like a Prayer" that your daughter won't get abducted while wearing them.
- I'll bet the "Material Girl" won't put much material in the girls' clothes.
- Buy a Prius, win a date with David Paymer!
- Test drive a Carolla, receive a free kitten. If you don't buy the car, we'll kill the kitten.
- What is the Matrix? Drive one and you can be cool like Neo!
- The Camry is AWESOME! Really!
- Can't adopt? A Sienna is like a baby, we've even heard of girls named Sienna.
- Get a Toyota Venza free with the purchase of three Tacoma trucks!
- Higlander! There can be only one! And it belongs in your driveway.
- Free pine airfreshener with every RAV4. Yes, we've stopped trying.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
- In Georgetown, police were called in to settle a dispute between Alice Bloom (61) and Doris Lorrenz (63) the mother and aunt (respectively) of David Bloom (38) who was marrying his partner of seven years Raul Urquiza (39). The two sisters had apparently never resolved an issue over the ownership of an electric blanket in 1975 and had not spoken until the wedding. Several stitches were required to close the gash on Mrs. Lorrenz's forehead and Mrs. Bloom will be required to compensate the animal handlers for the two peacocks that were killed during the quarrel.
- In Alexandria, fire crews were dispatched to suppress a fire that had broken out at the Elk's Lodge during a reception for Sandra Kelley (29) and Christina Green (31). Wendy Kelley, one of the brides' mother had said that although the wedding was lovely, the centerpieces at her older daughter Shelly's wedding were "more in keeping with good taste". The younger Kelley then fled to the bathroom where she proceeded to lock herself in whereupon Ms. Green confronted her new mother-in-law forbidding her from attending future family events unless she "got her head out of her ass." A shoving match then ensued and several candles from the aforementioned centerpieces were knocked over. The flames spread rapidly through the hall. While there were no serious injuries, both brides and immediate family were treated at the hospital for smoke inhalation.
- In Fairfax, police were called to stop an altercation between guests at a wedding between Byron Defoe (33) and Deshawn Johnson (33). According to reports, Ronald Defoe (64) the uncle of one of the grooms had been drinking for some time before the ceremony and was prepared to "speak" when the opportunity in the service came for anyone to object to the wedding. When other attendees tried to get him to stop, the senior Defoe became so belligerent, he was removed forcible from the church. However, as in many such altercations, errant fists began flying. Curiously Defoe's objection was not to the fact that the two men were getting married, but that his nephew was marrying a black man.