Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Useless News Blurb

Just in case you had a few brain cells not doing anything today, here's some information to fill them up: Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have taken on Native American names to getter express their spirituality. We are still waiting word on what those names are, but Dogs & Jeans would like to suggest "She With Plastic Fun Bags" for her and "Forgets to Breath In and Out" for him.

We apologize in case this new knowledge has now prevented you from learning anything new for the remainder of the day.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Fat Actress To Help The Post Office

The US Postal Service's announcement that they will suspend Saturday mail delivery in 2011 has upset many Americans, particularly those people who find it necessary to wait around for the mail carrier all day because they have nothing else to do. As part of the phasing out of the program, the Post Office has published a list of other fun activities people can engage in to help them forget they won't be receiving any bills, flyers or Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes offers until Monday:

  • Use Facebook to find old high school acquaintances who never replied to any of the hate mail you have been sending them for the past 20 years. Start the intimidation all over!

  • One word: Macrame

  • Write a children's book series about an orphaned wizard named Barry Kotter who has adventures at a magical boarding school, but set it in Paraguay so it is completely different than those other stories.

  • Put on a bunch of weight like Kirstie Alley, but unlike Kirstie Alley, don't lose any.

  • I hear that building a koi pond can be very enjoyable.

  • Invent a time machine and go back two weeks to re-do your NCAA bracket so that Butler is in the Final 4.

  • There is still porn on the Internet isn't there? What about that? That might be fun...

Friday, March 26, 2010

Completely Random Friday Demotivation

Don't you dare look for a theme in today's Friday Demotivational Posters!
I mean it!

Thursday, March 25, 2010

No Drama Please. We're Canadian

A little news from Canada:

This week, controversial right-wing commentator Ann Coulter cancelled a planned speech at The University of Ottawa after concerns that protests might turn violent. Prior to the decision, the University itself instructed her to educate herself as to what "acceptable" speech is in Canada. Protest leaders feared Ms. Coulter's words might not promote the traditionally liberal campus as a comfortable positive space.

The University has since published a list of those celebrities who are unlikely to initiate any controversy at the institute of higher learning and who's agendas promote only promote feeling all warm and fuzzy inside:
  • Kermit the Frog
  • Carmen Electra
  • The cast of "Up With People"
  • Paul Schaffer & Biff Henderson
  • Strawberry Shortcake
  • The Stepford Wife version of Nichole Kidman
  • Andy Roddick
  • Ziggy

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Chicago Cubs Support Health Care Reform

President Obama has signed the Health Care Reform Bill into law. However, like most omnibus pieces of legislation, there have been a myriad of other items thrown in to gain votes, most of which have nothing to do with health care. In fact, most Americans would be shocked at some of the new rules and regulations that will come into effect under the new Obama plan:
  • The popular TV show "The Hills" will remain a "scripted" reality show, but all actors are to ride burros at all times to increase a sense of spontaneity.

  • In Wyoming, possession of a stomach large enough to hang down and cover a person's genitals is punishable by public caning.

  • The use of texting devices is banned on all interstate highways but playing Wii games is still permissible.

  • If the Chicago Cubs have not won the World Series by 2016, a special Championship will be issued in their honor and the entire franchise will be retired, never to play again.

  • Buddhism is now the official religion of the United States, but only the tantric part of it.

  • Justin Beiber is too cute and must receive a monthly acne virus shot from the CDC until he is 21.

  • New Orleans Saints' quarterback Drew Brees will be canonized to become an actual saint.

  • "Dancing With The Stars" is the new official National Pastime.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Tiger’s Not the Only Golfer with Problems

Tiger Wood’s recent admission of infidelity and promiscuity have worried other Golf Tour pros the Tiger will have an unfair “sympathy” advantage coming into this year’s Masters Tournament. This morning, many of the top ranked players are scrambling to reveal the personal demons that haunt them. Of course not everyone can have a scandalous personal flaw that is as attention-grabbing as a sexual addiction: The following list reveals inner battles and private shames so deep, it makes their professional successes all the more remarkable:

  • Jim Furyk: Unable to carry a tune
  • K.J. Choi: Adolescent bed-wetter
  • Bubba Watson: Lactose-intolerant
  • Retief Goosen: Still doesn't believe the Village People were gay
  • Stephen Ames: Fear of heights
  • Steve Stricker: Cannot distinguish Coke from Pepsi
  • Nick O’Hern: Allergic to cats
  • Padraig Harrington: Secret vegetarian
  • Justin Rose: Colorblind
  • Bill Haas: Burns easily outdoors
  • Justin Leonard: Born in Manitoba
  • David Toms: Can only make right-hand turns

Friday, March 19, 2010

Friday Demotivation

On this first weekend of spring, many parts of North America celebrate the return of warm weather by having BBQ's and outdoor picnics. But be warned, too much alcohol in the warm weather can lead to the following Rock Bottom Situations:

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Wal-Mart Confessions

Yesterday's announcement over the PA system that "All blacks need to leave to store" is not the first time something offensive or controversial has been heard over a Wal-Mart loudspeaker. In the last year alone the following random statements have been broadcast at Wal-Marts across the country:

  • "Heidi Montag is a talented actress!"

  • "Obama's health care plan won't increase taxes!"

  • "The in-store McDonalds employees don't wash their hands!"

  • "Glenn Beck gets botox injections in his hand so he can masturbate and think it's a stranger!"

  • "Only terrorists fill in a bracket for March Madness!"

  • "American Idol is not as good without Paula Abdul!"

  • "I did not have sexual relations with that woman!"

  • "Watching Jersey Shore makes you smarter!"

  • "Sarah Palin will not become President, but after her death, she will be remembered as America's Favorite Children's Entertainer/Weekend Arsonist!"

  • "Belgium is responsible for Global Warming!"

  • "Hockey will soon take over from the NFL as America's most watched sport!"

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

End Paralympic Segregation

The 2010 Paralympic Winter Games are underway in Vancouver. Surprised? Most people are, considering the official Closing Ceremonies of the 2010 Games occurred more than 2 weeks ago. Games Organizers thought that they would deign to allow people with disabilities to compete only well after the rest of the world has grown weary of Olympics and turned their attention to other interests. The only thing that could make these athletes feel more like second class citizens would be to not have a competition at all.

The complaints that American viewers had to wait for prime-time tape delayed coverage on NBC during the Olympics now seems petty when you consider there is virtually no coverage of the Paralympics. The Opening Ceremony is one of the biggest draws of the able-bodied games, attracting sports fans and non-sports fans alike. However Friday's Paralympic Opening Ceremony (yes, the is a unique paralympic opening ceremony) was not even broadcast live on Canadian TV, buy re-played at 2PM Saturday afternoon, when nobody is watching TV unless they are wearing a court ordered ankle bracelet.

Can you imagine if there was one Olympics for men and a second one two weeks later for women? What about one for white people and a second for everyone else? Imagine that the first games received all the sponsors and coverage? So why should handicapped people suffer the same ignominy?

Now, I'm a big sports fan, but I find it hard to get enthusiastic about handicapped sports, and it has nothing to do with the nature of the competitors. For all but 2 weeks every four years, I don't care a thing about luge or ski jumping, but for those 2 weeks, I'm a freaking expert. I don't miss a single curling match or ice dance.

If the paralympic events were hosted during the "other" Olympics, I'd be yelling at the TV during the sledge hockey as loudly as I would during the "other" hockey. I know this because the Summer Games holds some of the paralympic track & field events at the same time. And they were AWESOME!

I suggest the IOC simply roll the paralympic events into a single Olympic Games. Scheduling for venues might require the games extend to 3 weeks instead of 2, but so what? We get one more week of friendly competition and global cooperation. Plus there is only one set of Opening and Closing Ceremonies to coordinate (and I don't watch those anyway because nobody can win).

Monday, March 15, 2010

Health Care Reform Easier Than College Hoops

The bracket is set for the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament. While many of the traditional March Madness powers like Kansas, Syracuse and Duke are in, there are many more teams who did not make the bracket. However, it should not have been a surprise for most as the signs were on the wall:

  • Maintenance workers begin dismantling the nets during your practice to prepare for Homecoming 6 months early.

  • The cuddly animal mascot has been replaced by Lady Gaga.

  • In an article in Playboy, John Mayer adds your school to the list of people he won't have sex with.

  • Unless you are Michigan State, Gerald Butler declares "You Are Not Sparta!!"

  • Pete Rose denied betting on you.

  • Your campus is selected as the site for the next Twilight movie Zombies Got No Game.

  • Your program has been endorsed by the Democrats.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Friday Demotivation

We now resume our normally scheduled Friday Demotivational Posters.
Thank you for your patience.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Free Jokes About Madonna

New York Magazine is reporting that Madonna will design a line of teen clothing and accessories inspired by her 13 year old daughter. Dogs & Jeans would like to help you appear funny at any weekend parties or BBQ's, so here's a collection of one liners you are free to use should anyone bring the subject up:

  • "Like a Virgin", but not for much longer

  • The official clothing line of "To Catch a Predator"

  • For when your kids are too old for Baby Gap but not old enough for Fredricks of Hollywood

  • "Papa Don't Preach"; all the 10 year old girls wear thongs now.

  • Clothes endorsed by John and Patsy Ramsey

  • Every mini-skirt and tube top set comes with the pop-up edition of her "Sex" book.

  • "Who's That Girl" dressed like a hooker in the playground?

  • Coming next year is the Kabbalah Kids line

  • It's "Like a Prayer" that your daughter won't get abducted while wearing them.

  • I'll bet the "Material Girl" won't put much material in the girls' clothes.

Rejected Toyota Incetives

Toyota has launched an aggressive campaign to win back consumers. With a series of incentives including zero-percent financing and free maintenance, Toyota hopes to recover from their massive recall quickly. However, not every idea suggested by marketing executives has made it to the auto showrooms:

  • Buy a Prius, win a date with David Paymer!

  • Test drive a Carolla, receive a free kitten. If you don't buy the car, we'll kill the kitten.

  • What is the Matrix? Drive one and you can be cool like Neo!

  • The Camry is AWESOME! Really!

  • Can't adopt? A Sienna is like a baby, we've even heard of girls named Sienna.

  • Get a Toyota Venza free with the purchase of three Tacoma trucks!

  • Higlander! There can be only one! And it belongs in your driveway.

  • Free pine airfreshener with every RAV4. Yes, we've stopped trying.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Same Old Trouble At Gay Weddings

Washington D.C. - A day of celebration ended in anger and violence as residents of the Nation's Capitol experienced their first day of same-sex marriage. In rented halls, restaurant banquet rooms and garland festooned backyards across the city, many receptions turned ugly as people learned the ugly truth about homosexuals: they have crazy family just like everybody else.

The long awaited acceptance of alternative lifestyles turned out to be no match for lifetimes of perceived slights and injustices suffered by cousins, in-laws and former college roommates that exploded in the sweet air of tolerance and too many rum and cokes.
  • In Georgetown, police were called in to settle a dispute between Alice Bloom (61) and Doris Lorrenz (63) the mother and aunt (respectively) of David Bloom (38) who was marrying his partner of seven years Raul Urquiza (39). The two sisters had apparently never resolved an issue over the ownership of an electric blanket in 1975 and had not spoken until the wedding. Several stitches were required to close the gash on Mrs. Lorrenz's forehead and Mrs. Bloom will be required to compensate the animal handlers for the two peacocks that were killed during the quarrel.

  • In Alexandria, fire crews were dispatched to suppress a fire that had broken out at the Elk's Lodge during a reception for Sandra Kelley (29) and Christina Green (31). Wendy Kelley, one of the brides' mother had said that although the wedding was lovely, the centerpieces at her older daughter Shelly's wedding were "more in keeping with good taste". The younger Kelley then fled to the bathroom where she proceeded to lock herself in whereupon Ms. Green confronted her new mother-in-law forbidding her from attending future family events unless she "got her head out of her ass." A shoving match then ensued and several candles from the aforementioned centerpieces were knocked over. The flames spread rapidly through the hall. While there were no serious injuries, both brides and immediate family were treated at the hospital for smoke inhalation.

  • In Fairfax, police were called to stop an altercation between guests at a wedding between Byron Defoe (33) and Deshawn Johnson (33). According to reports, Ronald Defoe (64) the uncle of one of the grooms had been drinking for some time before the ceremony and was prepared to "speak" when the opportunity in the service came for anyone to object to the wedding. When other attendees tried to get him to stop, the senior Defoe became so belligerent, he was removed forcible from the church. However, as in many such altercations, errant fists began flying. Curiously Defoe's objection was not to the fact that the two men were getting married, but that his nephew was marrying a black man.