Friday, January 29, 2010

Animal House Friday Demotivation

It would appear that animals are nearly as possible as scantily clad women as the subject of the Friday Demotivational Posters. Since there have been a bounty of boobs and other assets in the last few editions, Dogs & Jeans will return to it's wholesome roots with more pictures of kitties!

Have a great weekend.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Winter Olympics Predictions

The Vancouver/Whistler 2010 Winter Olympics begin in two weeks. As with the 2008 Beijing Summer Games, Dogs & Jeans will post every day about the games (all without the benefit of a press pass or HD TV). As an appetizer to a fortnight of ice and snow sports jackassery, here are my predictions for the games. Remember these are provided for amusement only; wagering is strictly prohibited.

  • Jay Leno will bump the Opening Ceremonies to an hour laterAdd Image.
  • American skater Tanith Belibin will be named “Sexiest Athlete”. Out of Spite, the Canadian government will revoke her dual citizenship.
  • 25% of visitors will miss seeing their events because Vancouver cabbies have no idea where the venues are.
  • Lack of snow in Vancouver will force cancellation of the snowboard competition, however downhill mountain biking will make it’s first appearance as a medal event.
  • Protestors will disrupt the Nordic Combined events, but no one will be watching anyway.
  • Because of theit skin tight suits, Women’s Skeleton will rival figure skating for audience viewing.
  • Everyone but Canadians will again wonder why curling is an Olympic sport.
  • When the snow melts at Whistler, there will be enough i-Pods, i-Phones and i-Pads found at each venue to supply every British Columbian with an Apple device.
  • The blue form fitting uniforms of the US short track speed skating team will cause at least 17 references to the movie Avatar during the competition.
  • Canada and the US will meet in the Gold Medal final in Women's Hockey. It will be such an awesome game that no one will care about the outcome.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

On-Line Dating: Men Are Dogs.

Recently, a few female friends have been complaining to me about their on-line dating experiences. While I an happy to be a compassionate listener, I can’t help but express my surprise that these women harbor unrealistic expectations about the men they meet through Lave Life or Plenty of Fish; specifically they want these men to behave like women!

My recommendation is to stop dating on-line and let your friends introduce you to a man who at least has been vetted by your peers. But if you insist on meeting strangers in cyberspace, let me dash your romantic illusions first.

The vast majority of men dating on-line fall into one of two categories:

  1. Losers who have exhausted the dating pool of all possible living, breathing, women at work, their social network, the neighbourhood, church groups, medieval re-enactment society and their buddies’ wives’ friends, and;
  2. Married guys.

Despite the obvious differences between the two groups, their end objective of both types is to get laid.

Which takes me to the second disappointment women have with guys on-line: They just want to have sex.


Yes they do.

If a guy is travelling more than 50 miles from a neighboring city to meet you, it is not because he is hoping to develop a long lasting relationship based on mutual interests, respect and trust. He does so because he wants to have sex with you and not run into his wife while you are out together.

Regardless of his marital status, sooner or later (and usually sooner) he is putting the pressure on to get you in the sack. It a woman is interested in “taking it slow”, this poses a dilemma.
“But his profile said he was only interested in ‘Meeting Friends’”, I hear you respond. He was lying.

The simple truth of the matter is guys already have friends, usually more than enough and often guys our wives and girlfriends don’t like anyway. No man ever wakes up in the morning and says to himself “Gee, I need to make a new friend today!”. And if such a man did exist and did say such a thing to himself, you can be damned sure his next thought on how to accomplish the goal was not to set up a dating profile to meet a few women friends.

But don’t judge us too harshly Ladies, especially on that last point. I know for certain that women who designate their dating profiles as “Just Friends” do so as a safety net. If you don’t like the guy, you can avoid any intimacy by reminding him you are not looking for anything serious. However, if he really makes you knees weak and gets you thinking about china patterns and nursery paint samples, “Friends” is out the window.

I hope this has been helpful.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Favre Looses Game Focus Over Reality TV Concerns

During the last minute of the NFC Championship game, Brett Favre was faced with moving the ball into field goal range so they could kick for the three points and the chance to go to the Superbowl. Instead, they called a time out, took a procedural penalty and Favre threw possible the worst interception of his career. All these were mental errors that cost them the game. The only possible explanation was they Favre was pre-occupied. But what thoughts had distracted him from the chance to beat the Saints?
  • Why is Gary Coleman wanted on a warrant in Utah?
  • Wouldn’t it be cool if our helmets actually had real Viking horns on them?
  • Where will Conan O’Brien host his next talk show?
  • Maybe I am too old to do this anymore. I mean, “ouch”!
  • Isn’t Dan Brown’s “The Lost Symbol” just a repackaging of “The Da Vinci Code?”
  • Will Lindsey Lohan ever find peace?
  • How often will President Obama mention Haiti in the State of the Union address?
  • I’m tired… so very tired.
  • What is a “Hoosier” anyway?
  • I don’t care what anyone says, I really liked “Hairspray”.
  • Those Saints uniforms are pretty sharp.
  • Why is there always a girl named Caitlyn on “The Bachelor”?
  • What’s for supper?

Friday, January 22, 2010

Friday Demotivation

Enjoy today's Friday Demotivation and please donate for Haiti during tonight's telethon.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

What's Worse Than a Cocky Republican?

The surprise win by Republican Senator-elect Scott Brown in Massachusetts has re-ignited the traditional hubris in the Republican Party. What's amazing is how quickly it has come on.

Here are Dogs & Jeans Top 10 Signs the Republicans are Getting Too Cocky:
  1. Press releases are referring to Obama as “the Late President”.

  2. Leadership has offered the VP candidate spot to Conan O’Brian.

  3. Issued a challenge to play the winner of the Super Bowl.

  4. Party finally accepted endorsements from Vanilla Ice, Joey Buttafuoco and Uni-bomber Ted Kaczynski

  5. Asked Congress to declare Democrats an “endangered species”.

  6. New 2 tier plan for universal health care: aspirin and gin.

  7. Schwarzenegger claimed Mexico as 51st state. Can’t decide on new name between "South California" or "New Old Mexico".

  8. Every Republican in the Senate get’s to keep up with their own Kardashian.

  9. Sarah Palin has been appointed “Queen of the Universe – For Life”.

  10. John McCain will run again!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Coakley Needed "The Situation" More Than She Realized

Yesterday's stunning Republican senate victory in Massachusetts of Scott Brown over Martha Coakley is really not so surprising when you consider some of the causes behind the Democrats defeat:

  • In hindsight, accepting an endorsement from Osama bin Laden was probably not a good thing.

  • The voters were looking to send the President a message. However that message was: "We already have access to Health Care, so good luck to everyone else."

  • The Republican candidate drives a truck, the Democrat is carried around by orphans dressed in Yankee uniforms.

  • Scott Brown's slogan "As Seen on TV's The Bachelor" resonated with voters more than Coakely's "She's not on Jersey Shore".

  • Sarah Palin's recent move to become a FoxNews analyst further reduced any threat that she could become President.

  • The rumored affairs between Coakely and Tiger Woods and Jon Gosselin was more polarizing than the rumored affair between Brown and Octomom.

  • The Democratic candidate was not named "Kennedy".

Monday, January 18, 2010

The Naked News is Not Reporting From Haiti

The recent earthquake and tragic aftermath in Haiti has me puzzling over several things:
  • Why is Haiti, with it's idyllic climate, unable to generate an economy while virtually desolate wastelands like Norway, Iceland and Saskatchewan seem to do just fine?
  • Within hours of the earthquake, Haiti was filled with news reporters and all their support crew while aid agencies and the US Marines are only getting there today. I knew bad news travelled fast, but it surely shouldn't arrive ahead of water and medicine.
  • Why doesn't Canada simply annex Haiti and make it an 11th province? That would stabilize the government and economy and give Canadian vacationers a warm holiday spot without leaving the country. Take that Florida!

  • Not one of the news reporters covering the crisis was from The Naked News.
  • Stories of US couples whose adoptions of Haitian orphans state that the three-year process has been interrupted by the quake. Why the f#$k does it take three years? We know there is no one in Haiti going to adopt these kids, we know the Haitian government can't afford to support them any longer than necessary and we know somebody wants them in Chicago, or Denver or San Diego. Am I nuts or should it take 3 weeks to adopt a Haitian orphan? The Haitian adoption form should have one question: "Would you like to adopt?" If you answer "Yes", they put a baby on a plane.
  • Is Haiti the only place in the Western Hemisphere without a Starbucks?

  • Speaking of adoption, I bet it would be faster to go to Haiti and start an orphanage than to adopt a child yourself, even if you had to become a nun first. You likely would be able to help more children that way.

If you would like to help, here are some links to agencies in Canada and the US who are trying to help. Please be generous.

US Haitian Relief Agencies
Canadian Haitian Relief Agencies

Friday, January 15, 2010

Friday Demotivation - Golden Globes

In celebration of the Golden Globes on Sunday, the Friday Demotivation posters feature some of the nominated movies. This is the best of the endless awards show, mostly because all the nominees have been drinking by the time they give their acceptance speeches.

Enjoy the show everyone!

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Leno/Conan Cage Match!

The Battle of the Late Night Hosts continues to heat up with every press release. Leno wants his old time slot back and Conan won’t shift later. Never has a conflict between two television personalities been so heated and volatile (and meaningless) since the great Krystal Carrington/Alexis Carrington Lily Pond Cat Fight in 1983. Before the war escalates too far and the lives of sponsors become at risk, Dogs & Jeans would like to suggest some non-violent contests between the two hosts to settle the winner:
  • Each host replaces the Field Goal Holder on one of the remaining NFL teams. Whichever team makes it the farthest in the playoffs with a talk show host “in tact” determines who keeps their show (once they recover from their injuries).

  • Each host must replace Vince Offer as the Slap Chop Pitch Guy. Whoever sells the most Slap Chops in a 24 hour period gets their pick of program slots.

  • Each host records an album and the highest CD sales by the end of March determines the winner. The song selection must be an equal mix of Motown hits and Dixieland jazz.

  • Each host must participate in an underground cross-country car race from Connecticut to California using all manner of modified vehicles, ribald comedy and slapstick humour to win against a cast of off-beat characters. No, wait. That’s the plot of Cannonball Run.

In all seriousness (we can be serious at Dogs & Jeans), each host should challenge each other to raise more money for the victims of Tuesday’s earthquake in Haiti. The winner not only receives their desired time slot, but both will really be doing something meaningful.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Mark McGuire is the Queen of Denial (and her robe is open)

In his interview with Bob Costas, former slugger and Hall of Fame leper Mark McGuire repeated his belief that taking steroids was only part of an injury recovery regime for him and not "performance enhancing". He contends that they in no way aided him in becoming one of baseball’s all-time home run hitters.

However, once McGuire started talking, he continued to tell Costas many other things he believes to be true, despite the evidence to the contrary. None of his bizarre confessions made it to air but Dogs & Jeans’ Crack Research Squad was able to present them here exclusively.

Weird, Naïve Stuff Mark McGuire Believes:

  • Madonna has had sex with him against his wishes all through coded messages in her latest album Hard Candy.

  • All the events in the Bible occurred as written, only the world was completely cartoon animation back then so God’s miracles really weren’t all that remarkable.

  • Late at night, he believes he is a teenage Korean synchronized swimmer born in a man’s body.

  • 9/11 was neither a terrorist act nor a US government conspiracy, but an act of sabotage by super-intelligent termites from the future attempting to hasten the time of their reign on earth.

  • American Astronauts did walk on the moon, however, they never did return to Earth. Instead, NASA has set up a lunar base where they make robots that the space shuttle program bring back to compete on American Idol.

  • There was never any difference between “Coke” and “New Coke”.

  • Perfect Strangers was the best television show of all time.

  • There is a secret Cabal of Jews running all the world’s government and organizations, but it’s the original Broadway cast of Fiddler on the Roof, so it’s okay.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Balloon Boy Dad Available for Baby Sitting, Snow Removal Etc.

Richard Heene, the Balloon Boy dad, began serving his 90 day sentence for fraud today. He will spend 30 days in jail and the following 60 in a work release program, if he has a job. Note the operative word int eh statement is "if". Since Heene was not employed at the time of the hoax (as near as anybody can tell), Dogs & Jeans would like to offer it's suggestions for work Mr. Heene might be qualified to perform under these circumstances:

  • "Big Brother" contestant.

  • Lyricist for The Black Eyed Peas. Seriously, I've had ear wax flakes that could write something better than "Boom Boom Pow".

  • Octomom's nanny.

  • Republican presidential candidate.

  • Male stripper.

  • Republican presidential candidate AND male stripper!

  • One of the middle guys in the Olympic bob sled who neither steers nor brakes.

  • Writer for "Lost" or "Heroes" or any other show that seems to be a series of unrelated, random events unconfined by time and space.

  • Sideshow weight guesser.

  • Organ donor for Kate Gosselin

  • Tiger Woods new driver (no, not for his car - the actual club. You see, Tiger holds Heene by his ankles and then swings him, c'mon you get the picture...)