Gifts For Him

A quick search on Yahoo will bring up plenty of Christmas Gift Ideas: Great Gifts for Cooks, Top 10 Unusual Gifts, Gift Ideas for Crafters, Gifts for the Professional Woman (I assume they don't mean hookers). I was intrigued what items made the list entitled "Ten Holiday Gifts to Ensure Your Husband Hates You". I could understand "Gifts Your Husband Doesn't Want" or "10 Gifts He Won't Appreciate" but gifts that make him hate you? How loathsome would a gift have to be to turn a man from loving spouse to bitter enemy on Christmas morning? Perhaps you got his favorite football team's rival's logo tattooed on your ass? Or presented him with the dog's head in a bag?

I had to check it out.

The author could not have been more wrong. Not only are these gifts not the sort to provoke anger, some are fine presents and a few are terrific. You be the judge.

1. Ties: The author says, "Giving a man a tie is like giving a woman a candle. It's the loathsome Chia Pet of holiday gifts." I beg to differ. I don't wear ties very often, but when I do my wife and I end up in a longer than desired conversation about whether it goes with the shirt or not. Save me the time and buy a tie or two you want to see me wear. Better yet, match it with the shirt already and we can get to the party sooner.
2. Cologne/Lotion Sets: True it's not very original, and my "Thank You" won't be the most enthusiastic however, that is far from Hate. As with the ties, I'd rather wear something that she approves of rather than dab on some aftershave I bought that reminds her of a creepy uncle, thereby ensuring I'm not getting laid tonight.
3. A Positive Pregnancy Test: This one is a little tricky, depending on the stability of the relationship, but it could be a real side splitter. Unless he already suspects you of cheating on him, go ahead, but make sure you are both a couple of egg nogs into the unwrapping before you give it to him.
4. Cheese and Sausage Sets: The author says, "Cheese and sausage sets are overpriced hunks of salt and lard." Have you met your husband? It's food, right? And your husband is still a man, right? Put a bow on a six pack and you have something he can enjoy for hours during an upcoming Bowl Game.
5. Miscellaneous Tool Kits: This is one idea I can understand. Like the author says, if the man is not handy, it could be seen as an insult. Guys usually know what they need and tool quality is of importance, plus some guys are very brand loyal. However, I have yet to say to myself "I have too many screwdrivers! Somebody better not get me anymore screwdrivers! Grr!"
6. Socks/Underwear: Along with sweaters, these were the hated gifts of childhood. However, as men mature, we tend to appreciate the practical more than the fantastic. Since most men won't buy socks and underwear for themselves, they both tend to be worn until they is nothing remaining but bare, stretched elastic. If your husband's toes and balls are in the open air too much, go ahead and give him something he can use.
7. A Home-Made Sweater: Okay, I'll give you this one. I don't wear sweaters, and unless you are a professional sweater artist, your handmade knitting craft will probably suck. He won't wear it past today, but he'll only hate you if you guilt him into wearing it again.
8. Lingerie: Excuse me? This would be like a dream come true! The rule for men is we can't give women sexy lingerie because it is perceived to be for us not you. Buying something too sexy is supposed to make women feel objectified, so we usually dial down the erotic and get a nice nightgown or cozy PJ's for our wives. Go ahead and get yourself a lacy corset or flimsy baby doll as a gift for us and you can forget the rest of the presents!
9. 
   Workout DVDs and/or Protein Powder: This one is tricky. If your husband has never shown any interest in exercise, this could be as insulting as a gym membership for a woman. However, if working out is his thing, it's an awesome gift. In fact P90X and creatine are on my list now. I'm always looking for a new program to shake up the routine, and I haven't met a protein powder I didn't like.  I could drink it while eating gift #4.
10. Male Enhancement Pills: No question, bad gift, especially if this has been an area of concern. However, you could turn it into a positive if you include some breast enhancement cream that he has to rub on you. It might lead to some natural male enhancement right there under the Christmas tree.

Have you really given a gift that made your husband hate you? Set me straight if I'm wrong.