Bad Gifts for Her

Last week, I posted about Bad Gifts for Him, which I thought were actually some pretty good gifts. This week, with only days to Christmas and the pressure fully on, it was time to list some Very Bad Gifts for Her. You can let me know if I'm off the mark here.

All guys know the standard "Don'ts" for gifts:

• Don't give appliances or anything else with a plug
• Don't give exercise or diet related gifts
• Don't giver her something clearly intended for you
• Don't giver her something that reminds her of a past relationship (hers or yours)

That still leaves a fair amount of grey area for men most of who, let's face it, would rather attend a prostate exam than fill out a Christmas shopping list. As part of Dogs and Jeans' ongoing commitment to public service, here are some other gives to avoid if you want to have a Happy New Year:

• Cacti: Unless she is an actual cactus collector, don't give arid, spiny desert plants. Even if she loves plants and spends her spare time watering the azaleas, a cactus is just wrong. It's like giving a book about cricket to a baseball player who can't read.
• A subscription to The Watchtower: Even the most devout lady Jehovah's Witness is looking for something a little more personal at Christmas.
• Your penis with a bow on it: What better way to ruin the magic of Christmas and to lie naked under the tree with a ribbon tied around your junk. Unless you are making a porno, put your robe back on Idiot! Plus it ruins the Santa story for the kids pretty damn fast.
• A bathroom scale: Seriously, I have heard of this. No matter how many digital bells and whistles this futuristic weighing device has, it's still a scale to remind her she's fat (even if she is rail thin).
• Toiletries not in an expensive gift set: If she loves name brand, designer fragrance and bath sets, by all means give away. However, don't put a bunch of soaps and lotions from the dollar store in a bag and expect a reward. And for God's sake, dont' give her the complimentary shampoo and soaps from your stays at the Howard Johnson's.
• Birds, snakes and other non-traditional pets: Actually pets of any kind are a bad idea at Christmas. She will generally be to busy for a puppy or kitten. Spiders and lizards just tell her you are creepy and don't know anything about her.
• Her name tattooed any place on you: It's not really something she can use herself is it? Plus it also says "Stalker". Refrain from drugging her and having your name tattooed on her. That's a sure-fire ticket to a restraining order.

Anything else I've missed?