Friday, December 31, 2010

Trooper's B Sides

Yesterday's post was a chronicle of the most popular articles by each month. However, there were some postings that didn't really strike a chord with the readers but that I think were particularly funny.for the last day of 2010, I'll share with you the postings that were my personal favorites:



Wal-Mart Confessions
Chicago Cubs Support Health Care Reform


Why Are You On Springer?

Helen Thomas Has Opinions

Who Knew Lou?
What Is Not On Glee?

The Rocket's Defense
Horses Aid in Egg Recall

Reporter Risks Players' Lives


Democrat's Money Machine
Prince William's Rejected Proposals 

How The Grinch Stole My Innocence  
Worst Christmas Song Ever!  

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Best of 2010

As the year winds down, we can take a moment to reflect on the events of 2010. And what better way than to revisit the most popular Dogs and jeans posts for each of the last 12 months?

January:  Winter Olympic Predictions
How accurate were the soothsayers? Did Tanith Belben's skating outfit keep her ahead of the skin-tight suited skeleton athletes in popularity?

February: Know Your Olympic Curling!
Who knew each stone also contains the remains of the curler's ancestors?

March: What Did You Learn During The Olympics?
Readers fascination for Scandinavian sports played by Koreans continued.

April: Is Your Baby Crib Safe?
Widespread panic ensued as scientists struggle to develop the technology to prevent cribs from crushing our children.

May: 101 Uses For A Wedding Dress
Everyone enjoyed the story of what Kevin has done with his ex-wife's wedding dress since she walked out on him.

June: Golden Girls Curse Strikes Again
Rue McClanahan's shocking death reminds us all how quickly our national treasures can be taken from us.

July: Can You Sue Your School?
Can't remember the Periodic Table? Defend your right to believe in only 4 basic elements and get an A! 

August: Too Few Stars To Dance?
With only Bombshell McGee left to invite, Dancing With The Stars may have to go off the air.

September: Mom Makes Money!
But do I have the tits to do it too?

October: Brett Favre's Open Fly
His fine of $50K for non-compliance with the NFL makes this video even funnier!

November: Why I'm Thankful
many readers welcomed the break from jackassery to learn a little about why Trooper was grateful no to live in North Korea and for the sexual exploitation on TV's Glee.

December: How To Look Manly
Improve your appearance just in time for 2011.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Breaking News!

The political world was shocked over the weekend to learn that Henry Kissinger is still alive! In an Op-Ed piece in Sunday's Washington Post, the former Secretary of State offered an apology for a remark he made 37 years ago regarding America's stance on the gassing of Soviet Jews.

While some historian's are dismissing Kissinger's position that the comments were "taken out of context", most are more surprised that the controversial top adviser the Richard Nixon still walked among us.

"I thought he passed away about 8 or 9 hears ago," said Greggory Pendergas, Chair of Political Science at Yale. "Are you sure it wasn't a reprinted article over the Christmas break?"

"Seriously?" asked noted Harvard Modern Historian Dr. Dorothy Smoot. "What is he, like 130?"

Ernest Borgnine, the oldest living male Oscar winner at 93, could not be reached for commeny. Brett Favre, ohe NFL's oldest quarterback declined to answer questions directly, but did send a lovely cellphone camera picture of his penis.

Friday, December 24, 2010

It's A Wonderful Demotivation

Merry Christmas Bloggy Readers! Dogs & Jeans' offices (and way I say "offices", I mean the cubicle I post from while on lunch break) will be closed until next Wednesday. I hope you all have a terrific holiday with your family and are not harassed by Lady Gaga.

Please enjoy the following Demotivational Poster game: Can you guess which posters are from the classic Christmas movie "It's a Wonderful Life" and which ones are gratuitous postings of scantily clad women?

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Bonus Christmas Demotivation

With only two days until Christmas, there is not really enough funny news stories for jackassery. Instead we will celebrate the birth of Our Lord with a rare Thursday edition of Demotivational Posters. Today's theme is Awkward Family Christmas Photos.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Best Christmas Songs

Frequent readers of Dogs and Jeans will know that this is THE site for opinion on Christmas music. This year, something unusual occurred: a new Christmas song was released that didn't suck!

Every November, several artists release a CD of Christmas music, rehashing the same old "classics", either trying to "out Bing" Bing, or worse, jazz up "Winter Wonderland" and make it their own. It's enough to make you want to puncture your ear drum with a turkey baster.

Inevitably, one or two singers may even be so bold as to write a new Christmas song and foist it on the unsuspecting ears of the public. Thankfully, by next Christmas most will have faded away and left us with Elvis and Johnny Mathis, as Jesus had intended.

However, this year Toad The Wet Sprocket has given us an unexpected gift: "It Doesn't Feel Like Christmas". This would be a great song all on it's own, regardless of the Christmas reference. If I could embed it here so you all could here it, I would, but the Dogs & Jeans technical staff is a particularly dull bunch intellectually, so you are all going to have to visit Toad's web site and download it for free.

Unfortunately, the release of "It Doesn't Feel Like Christmas" doesn't quite make up of the re-release of this musical travesty.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Bad Gifts for Her

Last week, I posted about Bad Gifts for Him, which I thought were actually some pretty good gifts. This week, with only days to Christmas and the pressure fully on, it was time to list some Very Bad Gifts for Her. You can let me know if I'm off the mark here.

All guys know the standard "Don'ts" for gifts:
  • Don't give appliances or anything else with a plug
  • Don't give exercise or diet related gifts
  • Don't giver her something clearly intended for you
  • Don't giver her something that reminds her of a past relationship (hers or yours)
That still leaves a fair amount of grey area for men most of who, let's face it, would rather attend a prostate exam than fill out a Christmas shopping list. As part of Dogs and Jeans' ongoing commitment to public service, here are some other gives to avoid if you want to have a Happy New Year:
  • Cacti: Unless she is an actual cactus collector, don't give arid, spiny desert plants. Even if she loves plants and spends her spare time watering the azaleas, a cactus is just wrong. It's like giving a book about cricket to a baseball player who can't read.
  • A subscription to The Watchtower: Even the most devout lady Jehovah's Witness is looking for something a little more personal at Christmas.
  • Your penis with a bow on it: What better way to ruin the magic of Christmas and to lie naked under the tree with a ribbon tied around your junk. Unless you are making a porno, put your robe back on Idiot! Plus it ruins the Santa story for the kids pretty damn fast.
  • A bathroom scale: Seriously, I have heard of this. No matter how many digital bells and whistles this futuristic weighing device has, it's still a scale to remind her she's fat (even if she is rail thin).
  • Toiletries not in an expensive gift set: If she loves name brand, designer fragrance and bath sets, by all means give away. However, don't put a bunch of soaps and lotions from the dollar store in a bag and expect a reward. And for God's sake, dont' give her the complimentary shampoo and soaps from your stays at the Howard Johnson's.
  • Birds, snakes and other non-traditional pets: Actually pets of any kind are a bad idea at Christmas. She will generally be to busy for a puppy or kitten. Spiders and lizards just tell her you are creepy and don't know anything about her.
  • Her name tattooed any place on you: It's not really something she can use herself is it? Plus it also says "Stalker". Refrain from drugging her and having your name tattooed on her. That's a sure-fire ticket to a restraining order.
Anything else I've missed?

Monday, December 20, 2010

Third Times The Charm, Open Military!

Dogs and Jeans has reached a milestone (or a new low, depending on your perspective). To celebrate the Senate's vote to repeal "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" we are posting for the third time the ever-popular suggestions for replacement legislation, but this time there's a picture! So if you haven't read it before, pretend like it's new. And if you have read it, stop bitching! It's not like you are paying for content.

A Pentagon working group has begun studying "the issues associated with properly implementing a repeal" and launching a new, more humane and inclusive policy.

Dogs & Jeans' Crack Research Squad has obtained an advance draft of some of the suggested alternative programs to "Don't Ask, Don't Tell". It is expected that over the next year a series of focus groups will evaluate if these suggestions are more suitable, or at least, "catchier":

  • The Army: Now With Better Music
  • Homosexuals Hate Terrorists Too
  • Ask, and Tell, and Giggle About It
  • Be Grateful Somebody With an Education is Taking the Pay-Cut to Serve
  • The Navy: Like a Gay Cruise, Only More Drab and Without Pilates
  • An Army of One (who is going to mind his or her own damn business)
  • Don't Ask, Don't Tell, but if you girls want to kiss a little, that's okay
  • There's Strong, and Then There's Army Strong, and Then There's Army Strong With an Appreciation of Color and Texture
  • Raising the Property Values of Military Bases Across the Globe
  • The US Marines: We Can Kick Your Asses AND Dance Too Bitches!
  • Air Force: The Wild Blue Yonder Just Got Wilder

Friday, December 17, 2010

More Christmas Demotivation

Only one week to go People! have you started shopping yet?
Personally I don't believe they put the good stuff out until Dec 23 anyway. Buying presents before then only gives your loved ones second-rate gifts. Why would you want to give the people you care about second-rate gifts? Besides, nothing says "I love you" like batteries and wiper blades.

So for those of you browsing the Internet rather than fighting the crowds at the mall, here is some Yuletide Demotivation.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Gifts For Him

A quick search on Yahoo will bring up plenty of Christmas Gift Ideas: Great Gifts for Cooks, Top 10 Unusual Gifts, Gift Ideas for Crafters, Gifts for the Professional Woman (I assume they don't mean hookers). I was intrigued what items made the list entitled "Ten Holiday Gifts to Ensure Your Husband Hates You". I could understand "Gifts Your Husband Doesn't Want" or "10 Gifts He Won't Appreciate" but gifts that make him hate you? How loathsome would a gift have to be to turn a man from loving spouse to bitter enemy on Christmas morning? Perhaps you got his favorite football team's rival's logo tattooed on your ass? Or presented him with the dog's head in a bag?

I had to check it out.

The author could not have been more wrong. Not only are these gifts not the sort to provoke anger, some are fine presents and a few are terrific. You be the judge.

  1. Ties: The author says, "Giving a man a tie is like giving a woman a candle. It's the loathsome Chia Pet of holiday gifts." I beg to differ. I don't wear ties very often, but when I do my wife and I end up in a longer than desired conversation about whether it goes with the shirt or not. Save me the time and buy a tie or two you want to see me wear. Better yet, match it with the shirt already and we can get to the party sooner.
  2. Cologne/Lotion Sets: True it's not very original, and my "Thank You" won't be the most enthusiastic however, that is far from Hate. As with the ties, I'd rather wear something that she approves of rather than dab on some aftershave I bought that reminds her of a creepy uncle, thereby ensuring I'm not getting laid tonight.
  3. A Positive Pregnancy Test: This one is a little tricky, depending on the stability of the relationship, but it could be a real side splitter. Unless he already suspects you of cheating on him, go ahead, but make sure you are both a couple of egg nogs into the unwrapping before you give it to him.
  4. Cheese and Sausage Sets: The author says, "Cheese and sausage sets are overpriced hunks of salt and lard." Have you met your husband? It's food, right? And your husband is still a man, right? Put a bow on a six pack and you have something he can enjoy for hours during an upcoming Bowl Game.
  5. Miscellaneous Tool Kits: This is one idea I can understand. Like the author says, if the man is not handy, it could be seen as an insult. Guys usually know what they need and tool quality is of importance, plus some guys are very brand loyal. However, I have yet to say to myself "I have too many screwdrivers! Somebody better not get me anymore screwdrivers! Grr!"
  6. Socks/Underwear: Along with sweaters, these were the hated gifts of childhood. However, as men mature, we tend to appreciate the practical more than the fantastic. Since most men won't buy socks and underwear for themselves, they both tend to be worn until they is nothing remaining but bare, stretched elastic. If your husband's toes and balls are in the open air too much, go ahead and give him something he can use.
  7. A Home-Made Sweater: Okay, I'll give you this one. I don't wear sweaters, and unless you are a professional sweater artist, your handmade knitting craft will probably suck. He won't wear it past today, but he'll only hate you if you guilt him into wearing it again.
  8. Lingerie: Excuse me? This would be like a dream come true! The rule for men is we can't give women sexy lingerie because it is perceived to be for us not you. Buying something too sexy is supposed to make women feel objectified, so we usually dial down the erotic and get a nice nightgown or cozy PJ's for our wives. Go ahead and get yourself a lacy corset or flimsy baby doll as a gift for us and you can forget the rest of the presents!

  9. Workout DVDs and/or Protein Powder: This one is tricky. If your husband has never shown any interest in exercise, this could be as insulting as a gym membership for a woman. However, if working out is his thing, it's an awesome gift. In fact P90X and creatine are on my list now. I'm always looking for a new program to shake up the routine, and I haven't met a protein powder I didn't like.  I could drink it while eating gift #4.
  10. Male Enhancement Pills: No question, bad gift, especially if this has been an area of concern. However, you could turn it into a positive if you include some breast enhancement cream that he has to rub on you. It might lead to some natural male enhancement right there under the Christmas tree.
Have you really given a gift that made your husband hate you? Set me straight if I'm wrong.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Worst Christmas Song Ever!

Yesterday I heard "The Christmas Shoes" for the first time. Apparently it has been around for a while but had never heard the original by the group NewSong. It was also a 2002 movie staring Rob Lowe and Kimberly Williams, but I didn't see it then either.

For other ignoramuses like me, the song goes like this:
  • Guy waiting in line to purchase last minute gift on Dec 24 overhears dirty young boy buying shoes for dying mother.
  • Boy says mom doesn't have much time to live so he has to buy them quickly.
  • Boy fantasizes how pretty mama will be in the shoes if "Mama meets Jesus tonight"
  • Boy pays in pennies but doesn't have enough
  • Guy buys shoes for boy as he realizes the true meaning of Christmas
I was absolutely horrified. The song is so obviously contrived to appeal to our heartstrings in a tinsel-guilt-wrapped-egg-nog-anticommercialism-infused way, it's like being struck over the head by a manger scene Baby Jesus that is playing a recording of Harry Bailey toasting, "To my big brother George, the richest man in town!"

But two can play at the over-the-top emotional Christmas Song Game. Here are a few future classics I'm working on:

Christmas on Death Row
As each condemned man reflects back on his life on Christmas Eve, Jesus appears with the ghost of each man's victim. The victims forgive their killers and the men each go to the gas chamber on Christmas morning with a clear conscious, eager to see Jesus again.

I'm Getting Cancer For Christmas
A poor girl's family must choose between presents for everyone or their daughter's chemotherapy. She realizes the sacrifices her brothers and sisters are making and asks God to take her to heaven before the money has to be spent. The family decide against presents for each other and spend the money on a beautiful headstone toe remember her selflessness.

Homeless Holiday
A family loses their home to foreclosure the week before Christmas. Rather than lament their fate, they rejoice that they won't be driven to distraction by last minute shopping. Christmas morning finds them huddled together in a refrigerator box. they have lost their toes to frostbite, but have found each other.

Santa Ain't Coming To A War Zone
Enemy soldiers come face to face in the middle of No-Man's-Land on Christmas Eve. The American soldier is unhappy because Santa won't know where to find him. The Taliban fighter laughs at the American's silly infidel ways. The two become trapped together in the same foxhole as both sides begin shelling. The American  risks his life to save his enemy, and is fully blessed by Jesus. As he is dying he says it is a greater gift than any trinket Santa could bring. The Taliban fighter experiences a spiritual awakening because of the America's reaction and converts to Christianity.

Take that, Christmas Shoes!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Naughty Assange?

Bail for WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange has been temporarily suspended pending an appeal from the Swedish courts. Lawyers are trying to prevent Britain from releasing Assange on a series of sexual charges. In hopes of increasing pressure, here are new surprising allegations to keep him behind bars:
  • Set off the explosions that caused the Chilean Mine Disaster
  • Performed breast augmentation on Heidi Montag
  • Introduced Snooki to tanning
  • Asked Auburn University for money for Cam Newton to play
  • Sent pictures of his penis to Jenn Sterger from Brett Favre's phone
  • Produced Lebron James TV show "The Decision"
  • Suggested to BP they drill in the Gulf of Mexico
  • Kept voting for Bristol Palin on "Dancing With the Stars"
  • Approved the TSA's new aggressive fondling procedures
  • Took Christine O'Donnel to her first Wicca meeting
  • Told Roger Clemens the injections were for "super sexiness"

Friday, December 10, 2010

Friday Demotivation Early Christmas

Christmas is only two weeks away. Dogs and Jeans better start getting the decorations up. Many of our bloggy readyers have shiney new banners and icons full of snowflakes and Santa. Our tech departmetn is not sophisticated enough for any of that, but at least we can put up some Christmas Demotivational Posters!