Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Why I'm Thankful

With tomorrow being Thanksgiving, Dogs andJeans will post Friday Demotivational posters a day early and feature a Thanksgiving theme. This way, readers will get to digest it for an extra day. Get it? “Digest it” because of all the turkey and stuffing? Isn’t a joke better when you have to explain it? As usual, there will be plenty of boobs and people hurting themselves.

So for today, I’d just like to post a few things I’m thankful for this year.

I’m thankful Bristol Palin did not win Dancing With The Stars. I don’t have anything against her, and she really did improve but she was certainly not the best dancer. If she had won it would have meant that the judges’ opinions and the quality of the performances were irrelevant as long as you had an organized campaign. However, her electoral success should be a warning to anyone who thinks her mom doesn’t have what it takes to be president. She has money and a well run organization behind her and that is all it takes.

I’m thankful not to live in either of the Koreas. Why can’t they just settle their dispute with a Tae Kwon Do Tournament?

I’m thankful I don’t have to fly anywhere today. It’s not that I don’t enjoy waiting around for 6 hours for my chance to be groped by a stranger, it’s just that I can’t help wonder what purpose any of it serves. How do airport security staff sleep at night? Isn’t there job to catch terrorists? How many terrorists have any of them caught? You’d think that for every 10 innocent nut sacs they fondle they should catch one terrorist. That’s a ratio I think America could handle.

I’m thankful my daughter turned me onto Glee in the summer. It was such a lame premise (the lives and loves of a high school glee club) but the song and dance numbers have been terrific. Still I don't remember any of the girls being like this in high school, but my memory might be weakening with age. And every week I learn a valuable lesson about not bullying. Every week is the same lesson about bullying. Don’t bully the gay kid. Don’t bully the female football coach. Don’t bully the gay kid. Don’t bully the fat girl. Don’t bully the gay kid. Has anyone else noticed the pattern?

I’m thankful none of my kids has a samurai sword lying around.

I’m thankful my wife and I aren’t having babies in our 40’s. I love kids, don’t get me wrong. But we were in our 20’s and early 30’s when we were up nights with feedings and changings. Yes, I was up doing that too; walking the floor for hours singing and patting and making up extra formula when they wouldn’t take the breast. Actually it’s ironic that now that no kids are waking me up at night, I could sleep through if I wasn’t old enough that I have to pee at 2:30 AM. Stupid prostate!

I’m thankful a year has passed since Tiger Woods’ Thanksgiving Night Car Crash. Hopefully with the sex scandal and divorce behind him he can concentrate on getting his golf game back. I want to care about watching golf again. Please Tiger, do it for me.


tammy said...

Great thankful list Trooper!

I'm glad Bristol didn't win either. Just something else the tea-partiers would get blamed for.

Trooper Thorn said...

tammy: Good thing because the Tea Party has all the heat it can handle for causing all that cancer.