Is Naked Flying Safe?

The recent protest to X-Ray screening by a passenger has led airline companies to re-visit the processes of airport screening. With another round of potentially useless measures about to imposed across the country, it has become clear that costs for "preventative" screening are just too high. Passengers who were currently expecting two hour long line-ups are now waiting up to three hours as each is subject to full body pat downs and a complete search of belongings and new explosive "sniffing" machines. Further restrictions to carry-on baggage and freedom of movement before and during flights have made many people reconsider flying at all.


Fearful that more travellers will chose alternate transportation like car of train in the future, or decide to stay home entirely, the big three airlines today have announced radical new methods to eliminate the need for excessive pre-flight security.

American Airlines “All Nude” Flights:
If you are willing to forgo wearing clothes, along with any carry on luggage (and dignity) you can bypass metal detectors and the impersonal pre-boarding pat down. However, the body cavity search is optional and provided free of charge. It’s a breeze (and a very cool one at that) flying with American Airlines!


Delta Air’s “Hannibal Lecter” Flights:

Nothing says “Security” like a full body restraint and a face mask. Passengers who opt to be strapped down to a gurney for the duration of the flight can be wheeled on directly from baggage check with no need for a physical examination. Delta encourages travellers to “go” before they board as no catheterization is planned at this time.

US Airways’ “Slumber Party”:

Sedation is the antidote for Hijacking. Licensed nursing practitioners will inject travellers with a sedative in the boarding lounge and passengers will be loaded on the planes like a shipment of Thanksgiving turkeys. While you are happily dreaming in the clouds, you will actually be above the clouds for the duration of the flight, your vital signs being monitored at all times. However, due to uncontrolled environments in various terminals, US Air cannot guarantee the success of making connecting flights while passengers are unconscious. But think of the excitement of expecting to wake up in Denver only to find yourself in the airport in San Diego, or Dayton!