Ancient Chinese Secrets

Leaked US government documents show that the relationship between Beijing and Pyongyang is not as close as we thought. In a series of communications, Chinese officials state they would no longer support a North Korean regime once Kim Jog Il dies and would work with the US to re-unify the North and South.
However, Dogs and Jeans has decoded even more shocking revelations about China's position on a number of topics in the encrypted messages :

• They would not support an eight team playoff in college football, but would allow an undefeated TCU team to play for the championship if it kept them out of the Big East.
• They developed Lady Gaga in a remote mountainous facility to distract the youth of the world from their true plans to take over country music with their other creation, Lady Antebellum
• They sent all the "sext" messages to Tony Parker on behalf of Erin Berry and Sophia Egeler.
• They invented Facebook first but it didn't catch on because of the name: The Glorious People's Anti-Imperialist Communication Portal. Twitter was apparently invented by Albania, but the Albanian government continues to deny it.
• They voted for Chad Ochocinco for Sportsman of the Year over Drew Brees.
• They continue to seek a partnership with J.K. Rowling to publish the next Harry Potter book: Harry Potter and the Incredible Shrinking Chinese Women's Gymnastics Team.
• They have kept Carnie Wilson on an intravenous high carbohydrate diet since her first attempt at dieting failed.
• They would welcome Walmart to open stores as long as the computers sold during CyberWeek have Google blocked.
• They are waiting until Windows Phone 12 for all the bugs to be worked out.
• They performed Fergie's sex change surgery.
• They wrote all the scripts for TV's Lost by writing down all the random thoughts of Shanghai opium addicts. Now you know.