Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Too Few Stars to Dance?

Zsa Zsa Gabor has been rushed to the hospital in critical condition. ABC has announced she will be dropped from the cast of Dancing With The Stars. After Paris Hilton's recent cocaine arrest has prevented her from cha-cha-cha-ing with the other low-level celebrities, DWTT is in real jeopardy. As well, a lawsuit was file by several "D-list" celebrities stating that The Situation is not notable enough after it was announced that the douchbag from from Jersey Shore would dance on the show.

According to Variety Magazine, there remain only a handful of people remaining how actually qualify as 'stars' who can dance in upcoming seasons:

  • Michelle “Bombshell” McGee
  • Fred Savage
  • Lady Gaga's makeup artist
  • Mrs. Kardashian
  • The guy who fit Lindsey Lohan with her alcohol-detecting ankle bracelet
  • Roger Clemens, but only from prison

Monday, August 30, 2010

Overheard At "Restoring Honor"

The Dogs & Jeans Crack Research Squad went undercover at Glenn Beck's Restoring Honour Rally on the weekend and you wouldn't believe what they heard in the crowd:

  • Senator Palatine for Emperor!
  • The government in using traffic lights to control our moods.
  • Jews support gay marriage because they control the US catering industry.
  • Can't anyone tell the difference between Michelle Obama and Oprah?
  • Belgium is using earwigs to spy on America!
  • I don't believe in the Holocaust or Mexican Independence.
  • Jesus wants us to buy more Chryslers.
  • I'd like to count how many people are here, but I've run out of fingers and toes.
  • Colonel Sanders was our greatest President.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Friday Demotivation

To commemorate the fifth anniversary of Hurricane Katrina this weekend, please enjoy these completely unrelated Demotivational Posters.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Is Palin Interfering?

Signs that Sarah Palin is helping your opponents in these mid-term elections:

  • Your campaign workers are systematically being culled by hunters in helicopters.
  • Your campaign bus has been run off the road by a snowmobile.
  • Tina Fey keeps hanging around.
  • A hockey mom brawl broke out at the last town hall meeting.
  • Your opponent begins using the nickname 'Maverick'.
  • Levi Johnston starts dating your teenage daughter.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Lingerie Football

Regular readers of Dogs & Jeans know that we often deal with such diverse subjects as football and scantily clad nubile young women. However, it is rare that those two worlds will collide.

No longer!

This Friday marks the beginning of the second season of the Lingerie Football League and I couldn't be less enthusiastic. You would think that watching fit ladies running patterns in their underpants would be a good thing, but it's just plain ridiculous. It's not even fun in the campy sort of way that the WWE Divas or Rachael Ray are.

Even the names of the 10 teams make no attempt to hide the marketing towards perpetually erect 14 year old boys:
  • San Diego Seduction
  • Dallas Desire
  • LA Temptation
  • Orlando Fantasy, and the best of the bunch
  • Miami Caliente. Ole!
After writing this, I sometimes wonder if the terrorists might have a point.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Horses Aid in Egg Recall

The Food and Drug Administration called in expert help today in their efforts to deal with the salmonella outbreak in eggs. "We're bringing in the best now," said spokesperson Bethany Williams. "I expect a turn around in the situation in days, not weeks."

An urgent request was made over the weekend to All The Kings Horses who arrived from London Monday night. The horses appeared to be tired, but prepared for the challenge. Accompanying the egg-repairing horses was Sir Reginald Binghamton-Smyth, one of the Kings Men. "I say, these horses live for egg-related catastrophes. From crack mending to yolk restoration, you won't find better quadrupeds."

The FDA's strategy is to release the Kings Horses on the suspect eggs and let them smash them until the salmonella is gone. Commented Williams, "If you want to break and egg, use a horse. If you want to break a ton of eggs, you get more horses."

Monday, August 23, 2010

Pentagon Admits Defeat

In a surprise announcement today, the Pentagon admitted they have lost the PR war in Iraq. "We just have not represented the war to our advantage," said spokesman Lt. Col. Philip Cummings. "The Taliban and Al Qaeda have had better control of the message and have been more creative at every turn. However, this is America and we are not giving up yet." A new program featuring positive advertising of US successes was presented.

Coming of the heels of the Taliban's statements that a captured US soldier has converted to Islam and is now training rebel fighters, 'Operation Homecoming Queen' will feature imprisoned Taliban fighters who have embraced freedom. Depicting the former Camp X-Ray inmates as fully integrated and active members of American society will demonstrate "the superiority of the American way of life" according to Cummings.

Such images will include Taliban fighters:
  • Working at a McDonald's
  • Playing beach volleyball with the cast of 'The Jersey Shore'
  • Watching NASCAR
  • Talking on a cell phone while driving in traffic
  • Attending Jenny Craig
  • Fighting in the stands at a Little League game
  • Dancing in a Black Eyed Peas video
  • on 'COPS'

Friday, August 20, 2010

Super-Sized Friday Demotivation

To reward all the fans of the Friday Demotivation for the patience in waiting an extra week, here is a Super-Sized version of our weekly feature.
Have a great summer weekend!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

The Rocket's Defense

Roger Clemens was indicted for perjury today based on his testimony to Congress in 2008. Clemens swore under oath that he had never used performance enhancing drugs, however later evidence showed that was not the case. Clemens' legal team is scrambling to mount a defense.

Dogs & Jeans has uncovered some of the potential argument the former pitcher's lawyers will be making:
  • Clemens' performance was already so enhanced through diet and exercise, he didn't consider the injections as being relevant.
  • Clemens was high on herbal tea during his testimony.
  • Receiving oral "pleasure" does not constitute a "sexual" relationship. Sorry, wrong story.
  • Clemens understood that if a person only did half the amount of drugs that Jose Canseco did, it would fall below the League's tolerance levels.
  • Clemens believed he was testifying against The Hair Club for Men.
  • His wife tricked him into lying to get even for his affair with Mindy McCready.
  • Clemens suffers from Post-Concussion Syndrome from all those years pitching without a helmet.
  • 9/11.
  • The person who testified was in fact his evil twin Ricardo! Buh buh buuuuhhh! (Dramatic music)
  • "Remember when Pete Rose bet on baseball? Look over there!!" Then rush out of the room.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Who is Opposed to Ground Zero Mosque?

Speaker of the House Nanci Pelosi claims there may be a coordinated effort behind those opposed to the construction of a mosque at New York's Ground Zero. Dogs & Jeans can now confirm that there is. The list of those who do not want an Islamic installation at the former site of the World Trade Centre is extensive:
  • Girl Guides
  • Episcopalians
  • Chrysler owners
  • Middle school teachers
  • Ranchers
  • Water color painters
  • Boy scouts
  • Little League Umpires
  • Nurses
  • The Tampa Bay Bucanneers
  • Catholics
  • Trumpet players

And the list does not stop.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Fiesexta: A National Movement

Thanks to all the bloggy readers who welcomed the return of Dogs & Jeans. Of all the comments received yesterday, the most thought provoking was from J in the D (who never provides a link) who said, "I'd like to have a fiesexstia. First you eat, then a little fooling around, then a nap."

This is such a good suggestion, I think we should push to make this a national movement! So at between 1 and 3 PM, everyone should stop working, eat, make love and have a nap before returning to the office. Create a Facebook group to promote it, Twitter and wheat ever the hell else the social media people do.

Fiesexstia For Everyone!

Monday, August 16, 2010

Travelling to Mexico?

I just returned from a week in Mexico and had a terrific time. I would recommend a holiday there to anyone. However, there are some things they don't tell you in the travel brochures:

  • When the temperature is over 90, and the humidity at 100%, sunblock needs to be re-applied every 45 seconds as it just sweats off.

  • Speaking English slowly and loudly does not resolve the language barrier.

  • The constant smell of rotting meat and over-ripe fruit no longer seems exotic after 3 days.

  • "Telenovelas" are the best soap operas because the characters always end up having sex, no matter when the story-line is.

  • No matter how much a street vendor tells you a product is, only offer to pay half. Be prepared for the quality of the item to be a quarter of that amount.

  • If you deal only in pesos, you will never be robbed.

  • The siesta is the greatest cultural adaptation ever. We should have it in the rest of North America.

  • Mexicans LOVE karaoke, but the videos never have anything to do with the song.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Vacation Demotivation

Dogs & Jeans will be on vacation until Aug 16. The beaches of Mexico are calling!!! Please use this time wisely and browse through all the jackassery of the past two years that you may have missed.
Vaya con dios amigos!