Friday, July 30, 2010

Long Weekend Demotivation

I have a new friend Paul who recently began blogging in an effort to figure out what the hell is going on in his life after his wife of 15 years decided maybe marriage was not for her. His experience is eerily similar to mine so reading his posts is like watching the slow motion train wreck I anticipate is coming. Check out Man 2.0 and give Paul some support.

In happier news...

It's a long weekend in Canada so in celebration of 3 days of summer fun, here is a special Weekend edition of the Friday Demotivations. (In the US you will have to wait for Labor Day to enjoy. Sorry. Eh.)

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Iowa Better Than Venezuela

After Stephen Strasburg was scratched from Tuesday night's game against Atlanta, many fans were justifiably upset they would not see the phenom pitch. However Miguel Batista's comments that it would be like coming to see Miss Universe and end up seeing Miss Iowa were completely uncalled for. While the current Miss Universe Stefania Fernandez from Venezuela is lovely, she does not hold a candle to Miss Iowa Katherine Connors.

In fact, here are a few other things going for Iowa, the Gem State, that would recommend it to even to most discriminating of baseball fans (or girl watchers):

  • Ripley's Believe It or Not has dubbed Burlington's Snake Alley the most crooked street in the world.

  • Strawberry Point is the home of the world's largest strawberry.

  • Imes Bridge is the oldest of Madison County's six bridges.

  • Elk Horn in the largest Danish settlement in the United States.

  • Fenlon Place Elevator in Dubuque is the world's steepest and shortest railway.

  • Quaker Oats, in Cedar Rapids, is the largest cereal company in the world.

  • Resident Maynard Reece is the only artist to win the Federal Duck Stamp competition five times.

  • Herbert Hoover, a West Branch native, was the 31st president of the United States and the first one born west of the Mississippi.

  • Born Donnabelle Mullenger in Denison, Oscar Award-winning actress, Donna Reed, started her career at the young age of 16.

  • Glenn Miller, noted trombonist and orchestra leader, was born in Clarinda located in Southwest Iowa.

  • Iowa is the only state name that starts with two vowels.

  • John Wayne was born as Marion Robert Morrison in Winterset on May 26, 1907.

  • Carol Morris won the Miss Universe pageant as Miss Iowa USA in 1956.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Kremlin Infiltrates the NFL

On the heels of the recent Russian Spy Scandal that sent several American citizens back to Russia, comes news of a Texas beautician under arrest for allegedly sending US technology to the Kremlin. Many areas of US business are cracking down on potential espionage including the NFL.

Just weeks before the launch of the NFL regular season, Commissioner Roger Goodell's office has released a 12 point guide to help teams uncover possible spying activities in their midst:

12. Cheerleaders mysteriously replaced with chorus line in trenchcoats and dark glasses, and they're all named Natasha.

11. New defensive co-ordinator takes his martinis shaken not stirred.

10. Sideline headphone system keeps picking up North Korean radio broadcasts.

9. New receiver from Bulgaria constantly taking notes in huddle.

8. Cleaning staff at stadium have thick Russian accents.

7. The other team's mascot is a satellite dish.

6. During coin toss, opposing captain seeks asylum.

5. "Coach, there's this guy in the third row and he's talking into his shoe."

4. Everything in locker room is too neat ... like someone didn't want you to know they'd been there!

3. Huddle discussions mysteriously broadcast over stadium loudspeakers.

2. Coach signals for a pass play, and defence calls for giant nets.

1. Placekicker swears he saw the goalposts move as he lined up for convert.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Can You Sue Your School?

The lawsuit filed by Augusta State student Jennifer Keeton has opened the floodgate for other students to sue their schools for "wrongful dismissal". Miss Keeton is being threatened with being removed from a masters of School Counselling program unless she changed her anti-homosexual position. University officials believe that such thinking would not be beneficial in a high school counselor. Keeton disagrees with conventional academic thinking that sexual behavior is "an inevitability deriving from deterministic forces." Instead she maintains that homosexuality is a lifestyle choice and can be altered.

Other students across the country who are in academic jeopardy may now be able to sue their schools citing academic differences with faculty. Several cases have already emerged:
  • An engineering student at Stanford who disagrees with the principles of particle physics and insists that all matter is comprised the four basic elements - earth, air, fire and water.

  • A medical student at the University of Minnesota who rejects any suggestion that blood circulates within the body and instead is created in the stomach only to be absorbed completely at it's destination after each heart beat as Aristotle stated.

  • An astronomy Student at Cal Tech who maintains the geocentric view of the universe and refuses to consider the sun as the center of the solar system. She is also suing NASA for not considering her for a summer intern position for the same reason.

  • An agriculture student at Texas A & M who is threatening to stone the entire horticulture department for planting two crops together in violation of The Book of Deuteronomy.

Monday, July 26, 2010

What's Not on Glee?

Producers for the hit TV show Glee have been dropping hints at what some of the possible "themes" will be this next season. As expected, the kids will be performing send ups of 'The Rocky Horror Picture Show" and a tribute to Britney Spears, among others.

However, there will be some subjects that even a show that pushes the envelope the way Glee does won't touch:
  • The BP Congressional Appearance Song & Dance
  • Lindsey Lohan's Jailhouse Rock
  • Mel Gibson Racial Tolerance Extravaganza
  • Semiphore Interpretation of Saving Private Ryan
  • The Many Retirements of Brett Favre
  • Team Aniston Vs. Team Jolie Vs. The Mummy
  • Hot Air: The Balloon Boy Saga

Friday, July 23, 2010

Friday Southern Demotivation

Thanks to everyone who joined up this week and pushed Dogs & Jeans to 100 followers. Now I will have to buy a bigger couch in case anyone comes to visit.
For you hard earned efforts, please enjoy these Demotivational Posters.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Who Knew Lou?

Longtime baseball manager Lou Piniella announced his retirement this week, bringing to a close a career that has spanned nearly 40 years in the pros (18 years as a player, 22 as a manager). Lou has been around for so long and for so many teams, that you'd think he would have no secrets left. However, Dogs & Jeans' Crack Research Squad has uncovered several little know facts about Sweet Lou:

  • Favorite song is "Your Kiss is On My List" by Hall and Oats.
  • When he first came to play in Baltimore, he tough an "Oriole" was a type of cookie.
  • Had the first "at bat" in Kansas City Royals history. Also had first string of expletives fired at an umpire by a KC Royals player.
  • Favorite fabric pattern is Paisley.
  • In 1990, ripped first base out while protesting an umpire's call. Later removed a row of seats along the third base line to protest an IRS audit.
  • Has won three World Series championships. Might already be a Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes winner.
  • Favorite breed of dog is cocker spaniel.
  • While a manager with the Seattle Mariners, Piniella never once ordered coffee from any of the 355 Starbucks within a 1/4 radius of Kingdome.
  • Actually believed he would be able to win a World Series with the Chicago cubs.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Too Hot To Blog?

Yes, it's too hot to blog.

However, Dogs & Jeans is only one follower away from breaking that elusive 100 follower barrier. Will you be our Roger Bannister and push the envelope?

Monday, July 19, 2010

Lohan's Prison Enrichment

Lindsey Lohan is scheduled to begin her 90 day sentence for parole violation on Tuesday. While getting to spend three months behind bars might sound like a vacation to many people, the tedium and monotony can quickly grow to be too much. Here are some productive ways Lindsey can finish paying her debt to society:

  • Stop drinking
  • Learn how to sing (for real this time).
  • Read all the classic literature she didn't get a chance to read because the movie set tutors didn't make her. "Classic Comics" are acceptable
  • One word: yoga.
  • Write letters for Amnesty International, just make sure you are not supporting the unlawful imprisonment of political dissidents.
  • Figure out why every movie since "Mean Girls" sucked.
  • Get a new tattoo. Have it removed when you get out.
  • Start that screenplay you’ve been taking about with the bumbling hit man and her wisecracking robot.
  • One more word: Pilates.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Friday Demotivation

Yeah! The weekend is here! What better way to start than with some demotivational posters? Then you can drink like this guy.

However, if you didn't see yesterday's post about the help the SPCA needs in Louisiana, please click here and make a donation.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Help Oil Spill Affected Dogs

The Gulf Oil Disaster has struck a new nadir. Dogs are being abandoned at Louisiana animal shelters at record numbers now that their fisherman owners cannot afford to keep them.

Please donate to the Louisiana SPCA so they can purchase food for these puppies until they can all be adopted.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Could Research Save Your Life?

British scientists have announced they have answered the age-old question of whether the chicken or the egg came first. Turns out it was the chicken.

Researchers at MIT working on on a rival chicken/egg project will now turn their attention to another pressing issue: improving the stitch saving effect from nine to eight by increasing the "in-time" factor.

Meanwhile physicists at Stanford University have stepped up their investigation of an enigma that has baffled man for generations: if good things come to to those who wait and good things come in small packages, to twice as many good things come to those who wait while in a small package?
Interim results on their "six month living in a dishwasher crate" experiment are expected in September.

Unfortunately no progress has been made by labs at the University of Toronto into "Well, what are you gonna do?"

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

What Google Says About Your Home

(Warning: Do not read if you are offended by stereotypes. Or spiders)
FoxNews is reporting that the Islamic nation of Pakistan ranks as #1 in the world for pornographic Google searches. From such wide ranging topics as "donkey sex" and "camel sex" and everything in between (most of which I don't want to repeat here as it will undoubtedly bring up too many awful Google ads in the Dogs & Jeans banners), Pakistan has lead the globe for the last decade in both image and video porn searches.

While it may surprise many readers that a fundamentalist Muslim country would have such a contradictory on-line behavior, many other nations exhibit ironic Google search tendencies:

  • France: #1 in searches for "cheese disposal" and "deodorant"

  • Brazil: #1 in searches for "sun block"

  • USA: #1 in searches for "low self esteem"

  • Scotland: #1 in searches for "overspending" and "spicy cooking"

  • Egypt: #1 in searches for "import sand"

  • Canada: #1 in searches for "anger management"