Friday, April 30, 2010

Friday Demotivation: Spot the Difference

Here's a little game to send you into the weekend. As they used to sing on Sesame Street:
"One of these things is not like the others,
One of
these things just doesn't belong,
Can you tell which thing is not like the others
By the time I finish my song ?"

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Is Your Baby Crib Safe?

"The government announced a massive recall of thousands of cribs manufactured by Graco and Simplicity today. Citing concerns that manufacturing flaws could result in suffocation or strangulation, the Consumer Product Safety Commission issued the recall, although many of the products were already included in an earlier recall for flaws."

My only reaction to this is: Huh? Why are there recalls issued every year for deadly baby cribs? Babies have been around for hundreds of years. You would think by now e could have worked out the kinks in the providing furniture for them to sleep in.

And the recall is always for a deadly concern. Some moving part could collapse and kill the child in a horrible, B-movie type death. Cribs are never suspected of causing swelling or a rash, just a lengthy strangulation.

Here's a suggestion: Let's not have engineers spend anymore time on erecting taller buildings, creating faster computers or building more powerful rockets until they can once and for all make a simple crib that won't kill the baby in her sleep.

Then we can move on to those other things.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Reverse Mad-Lib News

The Top 10 Trending News Items today are the following eclectic mix:

  • Noah's Ark
  • Brett Michaels
  • The Loch Ness Monster
  • JaMarcus Russell
  • Bob Uecker
  • Molly Ringwald
  • Dan Pastorini
  • Annoying Orange
  • Floppy Disks
"What do these things have in common?" you ask. Nothing, unless you write a little news story and put them altogether like the following (feel free to submit your own. I'll post the best one tomorrow):

"In Arizona yesterday musician and reality TV star Brett Michael and former NFL quarterback Dan Pastorini were arrested for larceny and conspiracy. The two were arrested by part-time sheriff, and popular sports personality Bob Ueker in connection with a money laundering scam that traded money for surplus floppy disks. In the scam, Michaels and Pastiorini's company "Annoying Orange Enterprises" reportedly promised to take tourists to see mythical items like Noah's Ark, The Loch Ness Monster a winning season frm Raiders QB JaMarcus Russell in a secret hiding place in the Arizona desert. When such sites were not presented, refunds were provided only through black 5.25 inch floppy disks which Michaels had purchased as part of a failed high tech investment. The scam came to light when former child star Molly Ringwald complained to authorities that she had been assaulted by Big Foot in the ruins of Atlantis and all she received in return were some old Commodore 64 games."

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Goldman Executives Less Popular Than Herpes

Top executives from Wall Street investment firm Goldman & Sachs have been grilled by the Senate for two days now. The intent of the hearing is to learn what role the individuals played in the company's alleged selling unsecured financial products. More specifically, Washington is trying to figure out who is responsible for The Recession.

The executives have been trying to defend their actions but it's pretty difficult to argue against questions such as these:
  • "Just how big a scumbag are you?"
  • "You didn't think you did anything wrong? Are you F'ing kidding me?"
  • "Exactly how far up your own ass is your head?"
  • "How much money did you get from the Devil for your soul?"
  • "On a scale from one to ten, with 1 being Gandhi and 10 being Stalin would you say you were an 11?"
  • "Does it surprise your friends and family that you even smell like shit?"
  • "No really, how big a scumbag are you?"

Friday, April 23, 2010

Boob-free Friday Demotivation

In an effort to demonstrate that Dogs & Jeans is not completely preoccupied by T & A, this week's demotivational posters are entirely print-based.
Enjoy the fancy book learnin' and come back next
week for more scantily clad drunk chicks.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Canuck Dog Supports US Troops

Recently my parents enjoyed a Spring Vacation in Oklahoma (State Tourism Slogan: March in Oklahoma Is Better than July In Delaware). While there, they attended a the deployment ceremony at Ft. Sill (the largest artillery base in the US and final resting place of Geronimo). Afterwards, many of the troops who were shipping out to Afghanistan and Iraq came by to spend a few moments with Benjamin (my parents favorite 'son').

Notice how happy he is to have attention from so many fine young men and women.

I hope that when they are far from home, they can gather a smile remember this chance meeting.

In other news, Kristina V is just starting out with a blog called "My Life". The title could use some work, but she is willing to cause herself bodily harm through sneezing to get readers. Go visit.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Supreme Court Got It Wrong

Today’s Supreme Court decision to uphold the sale and marketing of dog fighting videos is good news for people who don’t actually want to commit a crime but are interested in profiting from crime. In an 8-1 ruling the Court determined that laws designed to ban videos showing dog fights and other acts of animal cruelty are an unconstitutional violation of free speech.

Since it now appears that legitimate businesses can exist that do nothing but exploit the victims of crime for the pleasure of others, it is only a matter of time before some of the following DVD’s will be for sale at your local retailer:

  • "If You Want to Go To Heaven, You Won’t Tell!: The Best of Catholic Child Abuse.”
  • "All The Gory Details: Death Row Serial Killers Tell All"
  • “Street Walkers and Crack Whores Beat Down”
  • “Mobile Profits: Empty a Retirement Trailer Park of Cash and Heirloom Jewelry in Under an Hour”
  • “Deathrace 2010: The Best of Underground Drag Racing – Innocent Bystander Edition”

Seriously, this may be one of the most misguided interpretations of the Fist Amendment. The ‘Right to Free Speech' was intended to protect citizens from the government if they chose to denounce it’s policies. It was combined with the right to free association so protests could be organized in the event government was no longer “for the people.”

As a secondary intent, free speech allowed for discourse among the citizenry those ideas which might be unpopular or even seditious. The Founding Fathers did not want to enfranchise the right to make money from illegal acts, especially ones involving cruelty to others.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Fun at the Airport

Thousands of airline passengers are stranded across Europe due to a volcanic eruption in Iceland. Dogs & Jeans would like to contribute some positive ideas of whiling away the time until the skies clear:

  • Shop at the airport duty free stores in attempt to beat Lindsey Lohan’s $600K credit card debt.

  • Begin training for the 2011 Boston Marathon by doing laps of the baggage carousel and using a copy of P90X from the gift shop.

  • Write some new bits for Conan O”Brien’s TBS show. He’s going to need something.

  • Find a better GOP Nominee by launching the “Kelsey Grammer for President” campaign using the security kiosk as your headquarters.

  • Approach any red head asking for Christina Hendricks’ autograph.

  • Begin a petition to ban volcanoes because, let’s face it, they’re jerks they don’t contribute anything positive.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Friday Demotivation

Go back to your blogs. Nothing to see here Folks. Except some completely random Demotivational Posters.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Separation is Hardest on Men

Often when a married couple is having difficulties, the idea of separation is suggested. This is intended to be a period of ‘apartness” where both partners can reflect on the nature of the marriage, experience the feelings of being single and formulate a strategy for renewing and strengthening the relationship.

Separation is usually hardest on men. The reason for this is simple: men are idiots.
Men rarely suggest the idea of separation; if we do, it’s really more in terms of “I’m leaving you.”

Women are usually the member of the partnership who suggest separation and most of the time, it catches the guy completely unaware. He’ll be coming home from the grocery store, thinking all is well in his little paradise. Only to be told she thinks they should separate for a while, just to have a chance to “work out some things.”

The thing is, she’s been “working things out” for the last six months, only in her head. Where he’ll live, what nights the kids will visit, how much money she should have. Meanwhile, he’s standing there holding melting ice cream wondering if maybe he should have tried harder to find Romaine lettuce because it was on the list.

Then begins the long, painful conversation, and a conversation of any length is painful to a man. She’ll discuss what she’s unhappy about and what he can do to improve. If he’s really unlucky, there will be an actual list produced, maybe even something laminated. This, of course is a waste of time because, as I said, she decided six months ago they were separated, he just didn’t know it.

In order to ease his concern, the woman will often say that the separation is only a “trial” separation. I have yet to hear the word “trial” used with anything positive: murder trial, experimental drug trial, war crimes tribunal… maybe that’s a little different.

What the word “trial” means is that she wants to “try out” some different men. And here’s where a husband’s second problem comes into play. In addition to being idiots, we are also arrogant, a deadly combination. We think, “No big deal, she’s going to meet a bunch of assholes and come crawling back. After all, I’m gainfully employed, no drug addictions and I’ve got my own hair. She won’t meet anyone better.”

And she won’t. But she doesn’t want somebody better. Just somebody different. Somebody who will listen to her when she says she’s not happy about something. At least for the next six months until he’s stopped listening to her too.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Vatican Nearly Bans "Tender Bible Study"

In a landmark move, the Vatican has announced plans to implement new rules to address sexual abuse by priests. While not actually admitting there is a problem, the statement comes as close as ever to making public an issue that has plagued the Church for years. The specifics have not yet been announced, however, Dogs & Jeans Crack Research Team has obtained an early draft of the recommendations:

  • The new 'Alterboy Punch Card" will limit abuse to one child a month. Exceeding a priest's "One Boy" per month will eliminate his eligibility in the yearly "Youth Choir Fishing Trip" in Wisconsin.

  • Priests will be encouraged to post Playboy Centerfolds in the confessional.

  • Annual sex abuse prevention seminars will be hosted in each diocese. If a priest cannot attend, the popular "Good Touch/Bad Touch" DVD hosted by John Tesch will be mailed to their office.

  • Priests will no longer be permitted to drive white panel vans and "black tint film" will be removed from the windows of all sedans. At this time, there are no plans to ban "doubling up" on scooters unless there's too much of the old "hold on tight around my waist Billy! Tighter! Now a little lower... There's the spot!"

  • Access to the Internet will be removed from parish offices. Luring children will have to be performed the old fashioned way: a part time job as a neighbourhood Ice Cream Man.

  • Those priests unable to channel their needs away from "children" will be encouraged to switch to girls by daily viewings of the "Hannah Montana Show."

  • Future allegations of improper behavior will be dealt with in a timely manner, as soon as the Vatican finishes determining if assisting the Nazi's during the Holocaust was inappropriate.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Friday Demotivation Still Not On Twitter

In honor of this week's Masters tounament, this edition of the Friday Demotivation is devoted to golf. I wish I was in Augusta. Sigh...