Friday, January 29, 2010
Have a great weekend.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
- Jay Leno will bump the Opening Ceremonies to an hour later.
- American skater Tanith Belibin will be named “Sexiest Athlete”. Out of Spite, the Canadian government will revoke her dual citizenship.
- 25% of visitors will miss seeing their events because Vancouver cabbies have no idea where the venues are.
- Lack of snow in Vancouver will force cancellation of the snowboard competition, however downhill mountain biking will make it’s first appearance as a medal event.
- Protestors will disrupt the Nordic Combined events, but no one will be watching anyway.
- Because of theit skin tight suits, Women’s Skeleton will rival figure skating for audience viewing.
- Everyone but Canadians will again wonder why curling is an Olympic sport.
- When the snow melts at Whistler, there will be enough i-Pods, i-Phones and i-Pads found at each venue to supply every British Columbian with an Apple device.
- The blue form fitting uniforms of the US short track speed skating team will cause at least 17 references to the movie Avatar during the competition.
- Canada and the US will meet in the Gold Medal final in Women's Hockey. It will be such an awesome game that no one will care about the outcome.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
My recommendation is to stop dating on-line and let your friends introduce you to a man who at least has been vetted by your peers. But if you insist on meeting strangers in cyberspace, let me dash your romantic illusions first.
The vast majority of men dating on-line fall into one of two categories:
- Losers who have exhausted the dating pool of all possible living, breathing, women at work, their social network, the neighbourhood, church groups, medieval re-enactment society and their buddies’ wives’ friends, and;
- Married guys.
Despite the obvious differences between the two groups, their end objective of both types is to get laid.
Which takes me to the second disappointment women have with guys on-line: They just want to have sex.
Yes they do.
If a guy is travelling more than 50 miles from a neighboring city to meet you, it is not because he is hoping to develop a long lasting relationship based on mutual interests, respect and trust. He does so because he wants to have sex with you and not run into his wife while you are out together.
Regardless of his marital status, sooner or later (and usually sooner) he is putting the pressure on to get you in the sack. It a woman is interested in “taking it slow”, this poses a dilemma.
“But his profile said he was only interested in ‘Meeting Friends’”, I hear you respond. He was lying.
The simple truth of the matter is guys already have friends, usually more than enough and often guys our wives and girlfriends don’t like anyway. No man ever wakes up in the morning and says to himself “Gee, I need to make a new friend today!”. And if such a man did exist and did say such a thing to himself, you can be damned sure his next thought on how to accomplish the goal was not to set up a dating profile to meet a few women friends.
But don’t judge us too harshly Ladies, especially on that last point. I know for certain that women who designate their dating profiles as “Just Friends” do so as a safety net. If you don’t like the guy, you can avoid any intimacy by reminding him you are not looking for anything serious. However, if he really makes you knees weak and gets you thinking about china patterns and nursery paint samples, “Friends” is out the window.
I hope this has been helpful.
Monday, January 25, 2010
- Why is Gary Coleman wanted on a warrant in Utah?
- Wouldn’t it be cool if our helmets actually had real Viking horns on them?
- Where will Conan O’Brien host his next talk show?
- Maybe I am too old to do this anymore. I mean, “ouch”!
- Isn’t Dan Brown’s “The Lost Symbol” just a repackaging of “The Da Vinci Code?”
- Will Lindsey Lohan ever find peace?
- How often will President Obama mention Haiti in the State of the Union address?
- I’m tired… so very tired.
- What is a “Hoosier” anyway?
- I don’t care what anyone says, I really liked “Hairspray”.
- Those Saints uniforms are pretty sharp.
- Why is there always a girl named Caitlyn on “The Bachelor”?
- What’s for supper?
Friday, January 22, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
- Press releases are referring to Obama as “the Late President”.
- Leadership has offered the VP candidate spot to Conan O’Brian.
- Issued a challenge to play the winner of the Super Bowl.
- Party finally accepted endorsements from Vanilla Ice, Joey Buttafuoco and Uni-bomber Ted Kaczynski
- Asked Congress to declare Democrats an “endangered species”.
- New 2 tier plan for universal health care: aspirin and gin.
- Schwarzenegger claimed Mexico as 51st state. Can’t decide on new name between "South California" or "New Old Mexico".
- Every Republican in the Senate get’s to keep up with their own Kardashian.
- Sarah Palin has been appointed “Queen of the Universe – For Life”.
- John McCain will run again!
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
- In hindsight, accepting an endorsement from Osama bin Laden was probably not a good thing.
- The voters were looking to send the President a message. However that message was: "We already have access to Health Care, so good luck to everyone else."
- The Republican candidate drives a truck, the Democrat is carried around by orphans dressed in Yankee uniforms.
- Scott Brown's slogan "As Seen on TV's The Bachelor" resonated with voters more than Coakely's "She's not on Jersey Shore".
- Sarah Palin's recent move to become a FoxNews analyst further reduced any threat that she could become President.
- The rumored affairs between Coakely and Tiger Woods and Jon Gosselin was more polarizing than the rumored affair between Brown and Octomom.
- The Democratic candidate was not named "Kennedy".
Monday, January 18, 2010
- Why is Haiti, with it's idyllic climate, unable to generate an economy while virtually desolate wastelands like Norway, Iceland and Saskatchewan seem to do just fine?
- Within hours of the earthquake, Haiti was filled with news reporters and all their support crew while aid agencies and the US Marines are only getting there today. I knew bad news travelled fast, but it surely shouldn't arrive ahead of water and medicine.
- Why doesn't Canada simply annex Haiti and make it an 11th province? That would stabilize the government and economy and give Canadian vacationers a warm holiday spot without leaving the country. Take that Florida!
- Not one of the news reporters covering the crisis was from The Naked News.
- Stories of US couples whose adoptions of Haitian orphans state that the three-year process has been interrupted by the quake. Why the f#$k does it take three years? We know there is no one in Haiti going to adopt these kids, we know the Haitian government can't afford to support them any longer than necessary and we know somebody wants them in Chicago, or Denver or San Diego. Am I nuts or should it take 3 weeks to adopt a Haitian orphan? The Haitian adoption form should have one question: "Would you like to adopt?" If you answer "Yes", they put a baby on a plane.
- Speaking of adoption, I bet it would be faster to go to Haiti and start an orphanage than to adopt a child yourself, even if you had to become a nun first. You likely would be able to help more children that way.
If you would like to help, here are some links to agencies in Canada and the US who are trying to help. Please be generous.
US Haitian Relief Agencies
Canadian Haitian Relief Agencies
Friday, January 15, 2010
Enjoy the show everyone!
Thursday, January 14, 2010
- Each host replaces the Field Goal Holder on one of the remaining NFL teams. Whichever team makes it the farthest in the playoffs with a talk show host “in tact” determines who keeps their show (once they recover from their injuries).
- Each host must replace Vince Offer as the Slap Chop Pitch Guy. Whoever sells the most Slap Chops in a 24 hour period gets their pick of program slots.
- Each host records an album and the highest CD sales by the end of March determines the winner. The song selection must be an equal mix of Motown hits and Dixieland jazz.
- Each host must participate in an underground cross-country car race from Connecticut to California using all manner of modified vehicles, ribald comedy and slapstick humour to win against a cast of off-beat characters. No, wait. That’s the plot of
In all seriousness (we can be serious at Dogs & Jeans), each host should challenge each other to raise more money for the victims of Tuesday’s earthquake in Haiti. The winner not only receives their desired time slot, but both will really be doing something meaningful.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
However, once McGuire started talking, he continued to tell Costas many other things he believes to be true, despite the evidence to the contrary. None of his bizarre confessions made it to air but Dogs & Jeans’ Crack Research Squad was able to present them here exclusively.
Weird, Naïve Stuff Mark McGuire Believes:
- Madonna has had sex with him against his wishes all through coded messages in her latest album Hard Candy.
- All the events in the Bible occurred as written, only the world was completely cartoon animation back then so God’s miracles really weren’t all that remarkable.
- Late at night, he believes he is a teenage Korean synchronized swimmer born in a man’s body.
- 9/11 was neither a terrorist act nor a US government conspiracy, but an act of sabotage by super-intelligent termites from the future attempting to hasten the time of their reign on earth.
- American Astronauts did walk on the moon, however, they never did return to Earth. Instead, NASA has set up a lunar base where they make robots that the space shuttle program bring back to compete on American Idol.
- There was never any difference between “Coke” and “New Coke”.
Monday, January 11, 2010
- "Big Brother" contestant.
- Lyricist for The Black Eyed Peas. Seriously, I've had ear wax flakes that could write something better than "Boom Boom Pow".
- Octomom's nanny.
- Republican presidential candidate.
- Male stripper.
- Republican presidential candidate AND male stripper!
- One of the middle guys in the Olympic bob sled who neither steers nor brakes.
- Writer for "Lost" or "Heroes" or any other show that seems to be a series of unrelated, random events unconfined by time and space.
- Sideshow weight guesser.
- Organ donor for Kate Gosselin
- Tiger Woods new driver (no, not for his car - the actual club. You see, Tiger holds Heene by his ankles and then swings him, c'mon you get the picture...)