Friday, October 30, 2009

Halloween Friday Demotivation

A spook-tacular Halloween edition of the Friday Demotivation Poster Series for everyone to enjoy. And remember: If the unattended candy bowl says "Take One", then just take one Jerk!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

National "Have Your Lawyer Take a Stripper to a Cemetery" Day

On the heels of South Carolina's Governor Mark Sanford's scandal this summer, a state attorney has been fired for unprofessional behavior. 66 year old deputy assistant Attorney General Roland Corning was stopped by police yesterday on his lunch break, pulled over in a cemetery with an 18 year old stripper from a Gentleman's Club and in possession of Viagra and "sex toys".

Now most of you are already asking: "What's the big deal? Who hasn't used their lunch hours to take strippers to cemeteries?" I can only assume that this is an example of age discrimination and part of the State's Finance Department's plan to force early retirement on a valuable, dedicated public servant.

Ever quick on his feet, Corning was ready to offer several valid excuses for his actions:

  • The young lady was helping him scout out locations for the office Halloween Party.
  • He didn't like visiting his Aunt Edna's grave alone, or flaccid.
  • Egg salad sandwiches always taste better near a mausoleum.
  • The Deputy Attorney General was using the photocopy room to bang the girl from Quiznos.
  • She asked him to show her how to Twitter, and he was thinking it was something else. Boy, did they laugh about the misunderstanding until the cops showed up.
  • Until the government bans prayer group meetings, he felt free to worship wherever he wanted.
  • If having sex in a public place with someone for money is wrong, then he didn't want to be right!
  • Obama promised change and you have to admit, this was a pretty big change from his normal routine.
  • One day you wake up and you're 66 and you realize you never lived your dream of screwing a stripper in a cemetery and you think, "What if there's no tomorrow?"
  • He can't figure out TIVO and she was just explaining what's happened in "GLEE" so far this season.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Stuck for a Halloween Costume?

With only a few days until Halloween, many of you may be panicking without a costume. There will be only slim pickings at the stores too.

But fear not! If you have a couple of cans of paint and a brush, you have a costume!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Halloween: The Time of Shame

Does your child embarrass you? Have you been looking for an opportunity to show him or her how much you despise them in a way that won't result in your arrest? Why not send them through the neighbourhood in this costume?

Rather than providing a lousy, last-minute-bed-sheet-ghost or toilet-paper-mummy costume for your rotten kid, really make the effort to get that costume that lets everyone know how little they mean to you.

We also recommend the Step-Kid Turd Costume and Adopted Child Feminine Hygiene Product.

Monday, October 26, 2009

How to Stay Sharp at 30,000 Feet

The pilots who missed the Minneapolis airport by over 100 miles before turning around last Wednesday are being interviewed by the NTSB today. For a full hour the control tower was trying to alert them to their incorrect course. Many explanations have been suggested as to what was occupying their time including napping or a fight in the cockpit. Dogs & Jeans has an advance transcript of the hearing and there are some surprising reasons given for the pilots's distraction:

  • The co-pilot bet the pilot he couldn't identify the function of every know and switch on the entire control panel. You don't just walk away from a challenge like that.

  • Suduko.

  • Season 3 of "The Gilmore Girls" on DVD.

  • Facebook VS MySpace mobile updating competition.

  • It was Fantasy Football Free Agency day.

  • Both made the mistake of picking the turkey entree, and while they didn't technically nap, the tryptophan stupor was pretty severe.

  • They picked a bad time to update the women on their lists. You know? The List?

  • It's not easy getting advance tickets to the opening of Michael Jackson's "This Is It" from 30,000 feet.

  • What do you think guys do when we are alone? Farting contest!

Sunday, October 25, 2009

The Cold Virus is a Dick

After working all week, I've had the pleasure of spending my two free days sick. Worse still, I'll probably feel just well enough to go to work on Monday.

It may not be the Swine Flu that has me on the couch, but it's still pretty lousy.

  • My ribs feel like they're cracked from coughing every 15 seconds

  • My tongue as lost all sense of taste due to the lozenges I require to keep my nose clear enough to breathe.

  • I'm exhausted because even though I have nothing to due but sleep, lying flat loosens all the phlegm in my chest. Then the coughing starts.

  • Baseball got rained out in New York and I was too exhausted the change the channel when "Mama Mia" came on instead.

At least the nurse was kind and attentive, but I'm beginning to suspect that she might not have been 100% real.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Get Your Head in the Game!

This year's playoffs of Major League Baseball has been riddled with an unusually high number of incorrect calls by the umpires. Fans have come to expect a certain amount of judgement calls by umps but expect that over the course of a game, things tend to even out. However, some calls have been so bad in favour of one team or another, it would take four or five calls the the other way to make up for it.

MLB officials are considering several measures to remedy the situation from expanding instant replay to using "robot eyes" to call balls and strikes. In anticipation of tonight's Game 6 between the Yankees and Angels, Dogs & Jeans is adding our own suggestions:

  • Ban texting and Twitter updates by in-game officials.

  • Terminate the "Major League Baseball Needs Umpires!" recruitment drives at our nation's retirement homes.

  • No more distracting bodypainted models on the infield!

  • Electronic device in first base that shocks the umpire when the runner's foot touches it. That way the ump only has to stay awake long enough to watch the throw to first.

  • ID umps before they take the field to make sure none of them are Pete Rose.

  • More that three beers? Better sit this one out Blue.

  • Allow the umps to call their wives to learn how they should have called it.

  • If the ump gets the call wrong, release Serena Williams!

Afternoon Update:

A rain delay has postponed the game until Sunday. There even more time to resolve the Umpire Issue.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Friday Demotivation

With all the interest this week in the Balloon Boy Saga, I was expecting to find some good Demotivational Posters starring everyone's favorite vomiting, cursing, hoaxing Colorado family, but no such luck. Dog & Jeans readers who want to make some and submit are welcome to do so and I'll do a special posting.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

How Women Dress (Sexy) For Halloween

In anticipation of Halloween next week, Dogs & Jeans is sharing a decision flow chart from Maxim Magazine. While this seems to be a perfectly good process in theory, I suspect it may only be true in teen dramas on the WB or in the rudimentary brain step of college frat boys.

So the question to the Female Bloggy Readers: Is this how you select your Halloween costumes. If so, will you invite the Hot Dads to your party?

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Balloon Boy Dad Wrecks Blog Posting

So today I was going to list a whole bunch of funny rejected legal defence strategies proposed for Richard Heene. I was going to say he justified the Balloon Boy hoax as attempt to draw attention to global warming or to distract Lindsey Lohan long enough that she could be forced in rehab. You know, jackass current affairs stuff you normally find here on Dogs & Jeans.

However, Heene's legal team topped anything I could make up, so what's the point? According to reports, Heene was motivated to make as much money as he could ASAP to build an underground bunker "where he can be safe from the sun exploding" in 2012. I can't possibly top that level of insanity.

Instead, let's focus on the basic flaw in the business plan. Assuming the sun was going to explode in 2012, and assuming you had plans for a self-contained protected facility which could withstand the intense heat of the sun's nova and assuming this same facility still was viable for supporting the life of the inhabitants after the earth itself had been consumed in the explosion and it was possible for the facility to locate and travel to another habital planet on which the Heene's could live out their days, you are still left with the problem of how this particular hoax was going to raise any money.

Let me demonstrate this dilema graphically:

You don't need an MBA from Harvard to see missing step. This is less well thought through than the old caretaker from the abandoned amusement park who makes everyone believe it's haunted so that he can take over the business himself and get rich if not for Scooby Doo and those meddling kids.

So Balloon Dad? Reign in the crazy just a little or you are going to make the rest of us satirist look bad. Deal?

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Who Remembers Sarah Palin?

When Sarah Palin resigned her seat as Alaskan Governor in a move pundits speculated would provide her more time to position herself for a run at the Republican nomination for 2012. However, it seems her time out of the spotlight has reduced her support level back to where it was before her VP nomination by John McCain.

But not to fret, Palin Backers. The maverick presidential hopeful has put his time off to good use:

  • She killed some stuff,

  • Wrote an autobiography "Going Rogue". Okay, she told some writer a few stories and posed for the dust jacket.

  • Played with baby grandson,

  • Raised a few million dollars in campaign contributions,

  • Figured out the difference between Facebook and Twitter. She still doesn't like logon.

  • Sorted old family photos into albums,

  • Napped

  • Finally read "The DaVinci Code." Okay, she finally watched "The DaVinci Code".

Monday, October 19, 2009

Balloon Boy to Face Bubble Boy on 'Ultimate Fighter"

The police investigation into the apparent Balloon Boy Hoax has centered on a family who are very much interested in seeking the spotlight. Having been on reality TV in the past, the Heene's appear to have been contemplating numerous schemes to get back on the air. Many of these have involved using their children to gain publicity. Dogs & Jeans has uncovered some of their other failed attempts:

  • Cast the kids adrift in a life raft in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico. The outcome would determine whether it runs as another 'Survivor" or is the focus for Discovery Channel's next "Shark Week".

  • Disguise the boys as little girls and book them on "Toddlers in Tiaras". Probably more harmful than an uncontrolled weather balloon flight.

  • Stash one kid in the back of an "Ice Road Trucker" rig, one hidden below decks of a "Deadliest Catch" ship and another in the closet on "Big Brother". Whoever is the least screwed up at the end is the winner.

  • In their own renegade version of "The Amazing Race", sedate the kids, put them on a plane to Johannesburg and film them trying to get home once they wake up.

  • Using a long raincoat and fake mustache, disguise the three kids as a very tall celebrity and sneak them on "Dancing With the Stars".

  • Kidnap three of the contestants on 'The Bachelorette" and substitute the three boys.

  • Offer the boys as bait on a very special episode of "To Catch a Predator".

Friday, October 16, 2009

Friday Demotivation

As there is nothing more important happnening this weekend than Notre Dame vs USC and Oklahoma vs Texas, Dogs & Jeans won't waste too much of your time with alot of big words and fancy talk.

Please enjoy the Friday Motivation and try not to spill too much nacho cheese sauce on the rug.