Thursday, June 25, 2009

Are You Ready To Rumble?

Please note: Dogs & Jeans does not promote or endorse gambling. We only offer the following contests for consideration and for entertainment purposes only.

Who do you think would win in a fight between:

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Sanford's Magical Mystery Tour

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford originally explained his five day absence as a "drive along the coast", then it became a solo hike along the Appalachian Trail. Yesterday, Sanford admitted to flying to Argentina because it was more "exotic". Who goes to South America for five days without telling his family?

Dogs & Jeans predicts we have not heard the last of Sanford's odd accounts...

News From the Near Future:
June 25 - S.C. Gov. Sanford Was "Crazy Castaway"
In a change of story, Sanford admitted he never got as far as Argentina, but went for a boat cruise off the Carlina coast. The boat experienced motor trouble leaving he, the skipper, a first mate, a billionaire and his wife, a sexy Midwest farm girl, a starlet tease and a non-sexually threatening university professor marooned on an island for five days. "It was only supposed to be a three hour tour," said Sanford. "Good thing I had my Coconut Adaptor Kit to fashion all sorts of gadgets." Producing a trophy woven from plam leave leaves he beamed, " I won the talent show our last night".

June 26 - Sandra Bullock's Number One Fan Goes AWOL
Reversing earlier statements claiming he was hiking, in Argentina or beached off the Carolina Coast, S.C. Governor Mark Sanford now admits he flew to Los Angeles to attend the opening night of the romantic comedy "The Proposal" staring Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds. "As president of the South Carolina chapter of the Sandra Bullock Fan Club, I felt it was my duty to be there to support her." Sanford claimed he spent three days waiting in line outside the theater in order to get a picture of the actress's ear as she walked past. "She was radiant," admitted a teary Sanford. A fourth day was spent getting the street urine smell off him before flying back to Columbia.

June 27 - Disguise Allowed Sanford to Caddy at US Open
A new explanation for South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford's five day absence from the legislature has arisen which contradicts several previous statements. In a press conference in Columbia, Sanford claims he travelled to Long Island disguised as caddy Carmelita Sanchez, one of four female participants at the Open. US Open officials will be looking into the Governor's statements saying they were unaware of Ms. Sanchez's double identity. "Carmelita has been a respected member of the professional golf community for several years, " said USGA spokesperson Todd McMaster. "We are shocked to learn she may have harmed her reputation by running for office."

June 28 - Liposuction Addiction Delays Governor
S.C. Governor Mark Sanford now denies all previous explanations for his five day disappearance saying the lies are part of a cycle of shame closely linked to his addiction to an invasive surgical procedure. Producing bills from clinics across the US and Mexico to demonstrate his quarterly fat removal treatments, Sanford admitted he needed more and more intensive procedure each time to "get the same rush." A steady diet of KFC and Stuckey's pecan log rolls replenished his lipid stores, but a busy legislative life was still burning too many calories to stay chubby. "This time, I asked that fat be removed and re-injected several times over the five days," sobbed the thin, yet curiously lumpy disgraced politician. "I need help."

June 25th Update: Turns out Sanford is having an affair with a woman in Argentina. Boring and predictable. Come on Governor. Turn up the Scandle-meter a notch.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

A "Hi" for a "Hi"

If you work in an office environment, chances are you walk to the washroom, or coffee machine, photocopier, supply closet or various meeting rooms dozens of times a day. During those expeditions, you pass other coworkers engaged in their perambulations too. Not wanting to be rude, but not wanting to stop and talk, you give a little nod and greet them with a "Hey". They reply with a similar nod and a "Hey". If you say "Hello", they say "Hello". A simple "Hi" gets a "Hi" response.

We are mimics in the workplace. No matter what is said to us in these momentary corridor greetings, we respond mindlessly with the same one.

Try a little experiment. Next time you pass someone, nod and say something unexpected like "Pants". Let me know what happens.

Monday, June 22, 2009

What Can You Live Without?

Most of the bloggy readers of Dogs & Jeans can appreciate a bit of the Monday blahs seeping into today’s post. After a fun weekend of family-related, non-career enhancing activities, the return to my eight-ish to five-ish job this morning provides some reflection on some things I have grown weary of, and would not miss if they disappeared completely.

Feel free to add your own thoughts to the list:

  • Alarm clocks
  • Magazine covers with Jon and/or Kate
  • Cancer
  • Iranian dictators, Korean dictators and African despots
  • Nose hair
  • Public washroom air hand dryers that don’t really dry your hands at all
  • Bills
  • Perez Hilton
  • Discussions about carbon emissions and climate change when material waste and pollution is a more serious and solvable problem but we gave up on it 15 years ago.
  • Synchronized swimming
  • Lice
  • The Jonas Brothers
  • Waking up tired, even if I get to bed before 11.

Friday, June 19, 2009

It's in the Hole!!!

In celebration of this week's U.S. Open golf tournament, here's a video about making golf more exciting by adding basketball announcers.

Round 1 Update: Canada's Mike Weir shot a 6-under 64 to take a two stroke lead into Round 2!

And of course, I couldn't mention golf and video in the same blog without a few clips from the best golf movie (and one of the funniest comedies of all time) Caddyshack:

It's a Cinderella Story!

What's a Luper?


Party Hard

Spalding starts a vomit-fest

And the best it Tiger Woods' own lampooning of the film

Enjoy the tourney!

Thursday, June 18, 2009

If Yoga Feels This Bad, It Has to Be Good for You.

Since February, I have been attending weekly Bikram Yoga classes. Despite years of competitive sports Trooper Thorn is surprisingly inflexible. With the advancing years, it was time to do something before I snapped a ligament. There is nothing sadder than a man in his forties who has fallen and can't get up.
But being a person of very little common sense, I had to find the must difficult and unpleasant yoga there is and Baby, I found it. Bikram (otherwise known as "Hot" yoga) is practiced in a room above 100 degrees. Imagine performing calisthenics in a sauna with 20 other people and you start to get the idea. 90 minutes of this feels like going 12 rounds with Evander Hollyfield with both hands tied behind my back.

However, I really enjoy it, although as these following photos of some of the poses would suggest, I can't imagine why.

Breathing Exercise Warmup:

"This doesn't seem so bad. In, out... in, out and hey, I'm the only guy in the room. Nice!"
Half Moon:

"Okay. A little stretchy but not too hard. I'm starting to sweat by this point. That only gets worse. If you need top move your mat away from mine, I won't be insulted."

Still Half Moon Warm Up:

"Are you kidding me? This is still the warm up right? If I could do that, I wouldn't need to be here in the first place. Is it okay if I just put my hands on my hips? When can I have some water?"

Awkward Pose:

"So this is three sets of painful sweaty deep knee bends? Can I put my arms down? No? It doesn't matter. I can't feel them anymore."
Standing Bow Pulling:

"I thought the last one was awkward, but this is waaay more awkward. If I wanted to be a tiny musicbox ballerina I would have... okay I don't know where I'm going with this but damn! This is hard."
Triangle Pose:

"Groin Pull!"
Tree Pose:

"After 4 months, I can now put my hands together in front of my chest. The rest of this pose will have to wait."
Floor Bow Pulling:

"Oh come on! Now you are just being stupid. Can I do some push ups instead, or eat some broken glass?"
Half Camel:

"It might be only half camel, but you are about to see full vomit."

Spine Twist:

"Finshed! I made it! Only three days until we do it again!"

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Health Care That Makes Sense

As discord in Washington grows over his proposed Public Health Care initiative, President Obama has offered a few new “creative components” to make it more palatable to politicians, insurance companies and the medical practitioners:
  • For every five public-funded patients seen, doctors receive a free pizza from Dominos.
  • Breast exams will remain fully funded, but patients have the option to pay for an exam performed by an NFL quarterback of their choice (Brett Favre’s eligibility within the plan is dependant on his retirement status).
  • Birth control is covered. Viagra is not.
  • Parents who call an ambulance for any of the following childhood ailments: colds, flues, sniffles, tummy aches, nausea or mild diarrhoea will be punched in the mouth by the paramedic and be given a bill for twice the cost of the ambulance ride, plus expenses.
  • Tattoo removal will remain uncovered, even if you were really, really, really drunk.
  • Lipitor is covered. Hydroxycut is not.
  • Prostate exams will remain fully funded, but patients have the option to pay for an exam performed by an NFL quarterback of their choice (Brett Favre’s eligibility within the plan is dependant on his retirement status).

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

For Whom the Wedding Bell Tolls

Divorce makes a man think about marriage, and the mechanics of the process. The wedding planning is certainly a minefield through which no man can pass unscathed. If you offer your fiancé too much advice, you are being pushy and not listening. If you simply go along with all her decisions, you are just not involved in the wedding. Maybe you don’t care. Maybe you don’t love her. Maybe her Mother was right about you. Maybe we should just call the whole thing off!

Now you are spending the next 45 minutes asking her to come out of the bathroom so you can discuss if the centerpieces should match the bridesmaids’ corsages.

Can anyone explain the purpose of the Rehearsal? Is it just so you can have another uncomfortable family function to force the in-laws to spend more time together? Surely by now no one needs practice preparing for a wedding. Groom: Stand here and repeat what the priest/rabbi/minister/shaman/Internet says. Bride: walk in time with the music, stand opposite the groom and repeat what the priest/rabbi/minister/shaman/Internet says. Anyone need to rehearse this now? Didn’t think so.

Many grooms are surprised to learn (some with fewer than 24 hours notice) that they are supposed to get a gift for the bride. And it better be a good one because she had your golf tee holder/business card folder/cigarette case monogrammed eight weeks ago.

This is a tough issue for the groom because after the engagement ring, the wedding ring, the rehearsal dinner, the wedding and the honeymoon, men think they have given her an awful lot. Does she really need a tennis bracelet too?

Speaking of engagement rings, where the hell does the Diamond Council get off recommending we spend three month’s salary on a diamond? Of course they recommend such an investment; they’re the Diamond Council. I’m surprised they don’t recommend spending six month’s, or a year’s salary and a Korean exchange student. They are a rogue organization with no government oversight. It’s like the Television Council recommending we have two HD-TV’s in every room.

All that being said, I still love weddings. The bride always looks lovely, the groom proud, the families happy and the reception delicious.

I just have one question: Who do I speak with to get an appointment to the Diamond Council?

Monday, June 15, 2009

Glasses, Amputations and Other Considerations

Here are a few Random Things I Learned This Weekend:
  • Glasses don't make me look any smarter, and so far, I'm reading a little slower. In fact, I feel pretty stupid spending hundreds of dollars on something that just makes me feel nauseous. I could eat old chicken from the back of the fridge and feel just as queasy for nothing.
  • Some people from China actually believe Tibet should be part of China, that the Chinese government is justified for oppressing the Tibetans and the Dali Llama is a bad guy.
  • It's possible to beat the Detroit Red Wings at home in a Stanley Cup Final
  • An ex-wife can have new gentleman friends over to the house with the kids there, but an ex-husband can't include the kids in activities with the woman he's been dating for nearly 10 months.
  • It's possible to be too sore to play ping-pong. A pulled hamstring lasts for weeks and makes you feel even older than wearing glasses does.
  • There is no easy way to ask a stranger how they lost any appendages. You want to know the story though, but if it's not a cool one, you just feel like an ass.
  • Writing is a lonely past-time, but not as lonely as masturbating.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Frankie and Annette only had each other to worry about.

This weekend I'll be taking 4 kids of various ages for an afternoon at a local beach. There is nothing like the beach to make a man feel his age.

It's not the clusters of teenage girls showing off their assets in bikini's (even writing this makes me feel creepy).

It's not the football tossing teenage boys who don't yet understand how their metabolisms will slow to a crawl in a short 15 years hence.

It's the math.

Wait until you have kids and going any body of water isn't so much about having fun and relaxing, but counting. One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. One, two... where's three? Fuck! Jesus Christ! Where's three? Oh, okay, three was behind that mom in the towel. Whew. Four. One, two, three, four. One, two. three, four...

College Girls Spread Swine Flu

Researches at the CDC now have conclusive evidence that college girls are the responsible for spreading the H1N1 virus in the United States.

See the video of their research findings here.

College girls being the actual source of swine flu is still speculative.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Trump Increases California's Homeless Count

After weeks of controversy over topless photos and her comments on same-sex marriage, Carrie Prejean has lost the title of Miss California. Like Al Capone’s conviction for tax evasion instead of murder, Prejean was not dethroned over marquee issues but simple contract violations for “missed appearances”.

Pageant owner Donald Trump made an effort to be original in letting the beauty queen go. The billionaire financier attempted several new expressions before finally settling on his Old Faithful: You’re Fired!

Dogs & Jeans has obtained the following list of other potential catch phrases The Donald tried out in front of the bathroom mirror before the big event:

  • You’re dead to me!
  • Here’s the thing, I realized the Runner-Up was just as hot as you, so we’re going with her instead.
  • Get behind me Satan!
  • It’s not you, it’s me. Just kidding. It’s you.
  • Please accept this gift certificate from the fine folks at the Spiegel Catalogue as a parting gift.
  • (thick Austrian accent) You have been terminated!
  • Hit the bricks Toots!
  • Question for you: Who’s blond, narrow-minded and looking for a job?
  • Tiaras ‘R Us just called and they want your crown back.
  • Look, why don’t you get yourself married, then come see us is a couple of years for the Mrs. California Pageant? (followed by muffled snickering)
  • Be gone!

Monday, June 8, 2009

If You Haven't Seen It, It's New TV to You!

If you are not a Sports Fan, and many of you shamelessly even admit it, summer can be a terrible time for television. All the top network shows are in hiatus and either broadcasting endless back-to-back reruns or filling in with third-rate celebrity reality shows.

As part of it's commitment to improving society, Dogs & Jeans would like to offer these solid gold TV Show Ideas to the the nation's TV producers. They are free to run off and make as many surefire hits as they can and rescue the poor, downtrodden masses forced to choose between The Hills and a rerun of How I Met Your Mother.

Comedy - "Stop the Presses!"
Matt LeBlanc stars as a Big City newspaper reporter who is let go due to downsizing and must take a job at a weekly in a small town populated with characters. The catch is - he's illiterate!! All the writing was done by his wisecracking parrot Archibald. How long can he keep his inability to read and write a secret in a a place where everybody knows each other's business? And will he be able to resist the charms of Kaitlin, the one-legged coffee shop waitress played by Reese Witherspoon?

Drama - "Border Patrol"
Follow the lives and loves of people on the front lines of homeland security - between New Brunswick and Maine. California and Mexico may have the attention, but these border guards put it all on the line ever day stopping non-taxed cigarettes and tourists bringing contraband apples in. Plus there are forbidden romances with the Canadian border guards who, while they are only 20 years away, live in a different world.

Comedy - "Loosin' It"
Enjoy in-your-face humour as the wacky employees of "Fatties", the world's worst diet center, rip on each other and the customers. Imagine if the the staff of "The Biggest Loser" called the contestants "Losers" for the whole show and you get the idea. The clients take solace in secret binge eating and humiliating sex in an effort to feel again. With frequent guest appearances by
Kirstie Alley as rival Jenny Craig and Tom Arnold as the masochistic client you can't get enough abuse, this show is a guaranteed hit!

Adventure - "The Fine"
From the same people who brought you "Law & Order", "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit", "Law & Order: Criminal Intent" and "Law & Order: Trial by Jury" comes a show that pulls back the curtain on the secret activities of the men and women who track down overdue books for the Chicago Public Library. You can read but you can't hide.

Comedy - "Escapades"
if you though the Ice Capades was entertaining on the rink, wait until you see what goes on back stage. Follow this rag tag bunch of ice show misfits and former pro hockey has-beens as the skate their way across America and into your hearts. Also starring john Travolta in fat drag as Russian coach Svetlana Ivanova.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Friday Crazy Links

Not much inspiration here for jackassery as I recover from a torn hamstring (stupid recreational softball!). So here are some funny and/or amazing links from the net for you to check out over the weekend:

Spencer Pratt Douchbag Game

Crazy Exercise Ball Trick

Funny ESPN Game Day Signs

Drunk Girl Falls of a Table

Will Ferrell's 16 Wackiest Characters

Bizarre Medical Malpractice

Awkward Family Photos

And finally,

Summertime Beer Tips

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Can You Make Difference by Blogging?

Last month, Dogs & Jeans put forth a challenge to Ashon Kutcher to see who could gain 100 new Bloggers followers the fastest. If I won, I was prepared to donate $100 (a dollar for every new follower) to UNICEF. Even though Ashton has not taken me up on the offer, I still want to make to donation. The problem is Dogs & Jeans is 75 new followers short of the goal.

Please spread the word that people can have a good laugh (except for today’s posting of course) if they come over and become followers. And if you think a measly $100 won’t make a difference to anybody, here’s a list of things UNICEF can do with the money to improve the lives of children around the globe:

  • provide immunization to protect four children for life against the six leading child-killing and maiming diseases: measles, polio, diphtheria, whooping cough, tetanus, and tuberculosis.
  • provide a basic family water kit for ten households, with detergent, soap, wash basin, towels, bucket and water purification tablets.
  • provide one ”School-in-a-Box” kit containing basic education supplies for 35 children during times of crisis.
  • provide emergency health kits with medical supplies and drugs to cover the basic health needs of ten people for three months.
  • provide 5 days of antibiotics for more than 300 children suffering from pneumonia
    provide a pound of seed to stock 50 community vegetable gardens.
  • purify 520 gallons of drinking water

So if you read Dogs & Jeans and are not a follower, click in the “Follow” button. If you are a follower, thank you, and ask others to visit and join up.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Let the Coyotes Go Gary Bettman!

With apologies to any of my American readers who have an interest in ice hockey that is even lower than ratings for televised worm farming, this blog is an appeal to Gary Bettman and the NHL Board of Governors to allow the the Phoenix Coyotes to move back to Canada.

That's right. The Phoenix Coyotes were not always in Phoenix, which is hardly surprising since the last time Phoenix had ice it came with mastodon feces and John McCain was only a first term senator (Ouch!). The now bankrupt Coyotes began their career as the Winnipeg Jets. Despite large fan support and relative success in a tough division, the Jets' owners (with the support of Commissioner Bettman) moved the team to Phoenix in 1996.

The Coyotes have never met expectations for fan support or revenue and have been ready to fold more often than a compulsive gambler. Even with the Great One, Wayne Gretzky, buying a controlling interest and appointing himself head coach has not generated sufficient interest in the franchise to save it.

Now Jim Balsille, the founder of the Blackberry, is offering more cash than the team is worth to move it to Ontario, where there is enough fan support to make is a success on Day 1. But Gary Bettman does not want to let him. He still thinks he can sell hockey in the desert.

Now I think the NHL is terrific, but I realize there are limitations to it's appeal. Pork chops are delicious, but I wouldn't invest in a swine farm in Israel. Everything has it's place, and like it or not Gary Bettman, hockey is always going to be more popular in Canada than south of the Mason/Dixon Line.

Let the Coyotes go!

Monday, June 1, 2009

Don't Meet Borat for Tea

There is much discussion on the ‘Net today about whether Eminem was “in on” Sasha Baron Cohen’s tea-bagging incident at last night’s MTV Movie Awards. This should be a moot debate as there are no conditions under which tea-bagging is ever acceptable or anticipated. Ever.
End of argument.

Now you can all focus on important stuff like whether Kim Kardashian should be shopping for her own engagement ring or not.