Friday, May 29, 2009
Better yet, just stay home and read quietly until Monday morning when you can return safely to work.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
- If they have been publishing Archie for 60 years and there are normally 3 issues at the checkout counter at any one time, how can this be only the 600th issue?
The second question that follows immediately after is:
- Knowing Veronica, will Issue 601 be The Divorce From Hell Special Double Digest?
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
- Bud Lite’s great taste is more significant that it’s ‘less filling’ attributes.
- Genius is actually 6 percent inspiration, 94% perspiration, not the 1% previous claimed
- Avis may try hard, but there is no evidence to suggest they try harder than Hertz
- AT&T cannot be held legally responsible for the actions of people who reach out and touch someone.
- Even though VISA may be ‘everywhere you want to be’, they are not technically stalking anyone.
- The name Smuckers alone is not assurance of quality, nor does it excuse the company from conducting any product safety testing.
- Obsession does lie between love and madness, in addition to envy, boredom and the desire to surf the Internet for porn when the family goes out for a few hours.
Monday, May 25, 2009
- HAL 9000 was the name of the misguided super computer in the movie "2001: A Space Odyssey". No matter how many times I try to watch it and appreciate Stanley Kubrick's genius, it's still incredibly boring.
- ISO 9000 is a method of standardizing Quality Management in manufacturing. Avoid it if you can. Six Sigma, on the other hand, sounds really cool, like an underground band that only your buddy Picken knew about back in college.
- DragonBall Z followers have something to do with 9000, but if I spent anymore time trying to figure it out, I'd be as nerdy as they are.
- The average British woman will spend £9000 on their hair over a lifetime.
- Minolta makes a 9000 camera. However, www.9000.com doesn't take you anywhere.
- 9000 BC was be beginning of the Neolithic Period. Evidence of the first domestication of sheep occured in Northern Iraq and the beginning of the European Ice Age as the Gulf Stream receded south.
There. You learned something by blogging today.
Just wait until you see what I have in store to mark the 10,000 hit milestone. Maybe we will have reached the 100 follower mark and can send of this cheque for $100 to UNICEF.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
For example, President Obama delivered a significant speech today addressing national security, torture and the role Guantanamo Bay has played in impedig the war on terror. Pretty important stuff. Any Google hits? Nope.
The number one Google search at 3 PM: Nikki MicKibbin. Who, you might ask, is Nikki McKibbin? She was a contestant on the first Season of American Idol who showed up at last night’s American Idol finale. Has she been a big star or played a fundamental role in the success of the program over the past few years? No, but she has been on “Celebrity Rehab”. Now if the President could get himself on a reality TV show, maybe he’d get some internet love too.
There are at least five other top searches related to last nights show too; None of them have anything to do with the winner Kris Allen, but some of them have to do with bikinis.
Next on the list are brunga.at and areps.at which appear to be Facebook phishing scams. It looks like you can’t even use your computer anymore without wrecking it and losing all your money when your identity is stolen.
Jessica Hann comes in at Number 12. You have to be as old as me to remember Jessica Hahn. And if the stories related to her are correct, you have to be as old as Larry King to think that having Jessica Hahn hit on you is something you want people to know.
Then there are a bunch of girls from America’s Next Top Model sprinkled in there at 15, 33, 90 and probably more. Have any of these girls actually gone on the become successful, even ‘top’, models? I don’t think TGIFriday’s needs to worry about waitress turnover being too high because of it.
Another top searched item is the Nemenhah tribe, the quasi-religious, quasi-indigenous, completely ludicrous group that has somehow influence the family of this poor kid in Minnesota who needs chemo to treat his Hodgkin’s. No joke here, since this same thing happens nearly every year where the court has to step in to protect a child from a parent who is preventing medical treatment on “their” religious grounds.
Here’s a cool item: Christin Engelberth is a Grade 6 kid who won a $15,000 scholarship from Google for designing a new Google Doodle. Click here to see it.
October update: A new item popped up on my search terms: Bernie Lomax. I'm pretty sure I've never written about Bernie Lomax because I even had to Google the name to find out who the hell he is! (The eponymous deceased character from "Weekend At Bernie's")
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
- Cut an album, but not a typical sports star rap CD, something like “The Baroque Stylings of Michael Vick” or “I Got Plenty o’ Nuttin: Vick Sings Gershwin!!”
- Catch up on missed episodes of Coronation Street
- Write letters for Amnesty International, just make sure you are not supporting the unlawful imprisonment of political dissidents
- Put in a koi pond – but no koi fighting you hear!
- One word: yoga.
- Repainting is always a good idea. Start with the puppy's room
- Get a new tattoo. Have it removed three weeks later
- Start that screenplay you’ve been taking about with the bumbling hit man and his wisecracking robot.
- One more word: Pilates.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
- Survived outdoors for three nights during The Blizzard of ’96 by taking shelter in the body cavity of a Death Row inmate.
- Was a vegetarian for an afternoon in college.
- A few years ago, Palin agreed to store some ‘stuff’ for Syria when Syria was doing some re-decorating. Turned out Syria was actually looking after that ‘stuff’ for Iraq when Iraq was having some visitors and said they needed the room.
- Posed nude in highest selling edition of Soldier of Fortune magazine ever.
- Spent a summer following the Shields & Yarnell Summer of Silence ’81 Tour.
- Told Steve Bartman she’d “show him some good loving” if he caught her a ball at a Cubs game.
- She feels like she is a woman trapped in the body of a man, who is trapped in the body of a completely different woman.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
So if it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it might as well be a Minnesota Viking.
Monday, May 11, 2009
- Daily sash dispenser runs out but with no re-order slip this time,
- For the past week, a van marked “Tiara Repo” has been parked outside,
- Billy Bush won’t return your calls, and he’s so lonely he writes down the phone numbers of telemarketers so he can call them at home,
- Banner at your last event read “Wal-Mart Welcomes Former Miss Corn Princess”
Other contestants’ mothers have stopped trying to kill you,
- No matter how much you keep vomiting, nobody cares that you are getting thinner,
- Nude pictures of you are circulating, but not on the Internet, just in Chevron rest rooms.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
"I'll get you more bottle in a minute Baby. Momma's gotta look sexy for the picture for all the nice inmates. How else is she gonna get you a new Daddy before he gets parolled?"
Years later in therapy, Simon still could not identify the source of his low self-esteem.
Friday, May 8, 2009
I can’t explain it, but this year for the first time I’m not looking forward to spring training. Sure I’m excited to see all my friends on the Dodgers again. They welcomed me like a brother after all the drama with the Red Sox. We had such a good time in the post season last fall and nearly won the pennant :( Maybe Next Year !!
My work-outs are going really well too, so I know my ennui is not related to my physical ability. Sure, I’m getting a little old for a major league power hitter, but my commitment to macrobiotics, Pilates and daily meditation has been a wonderful supplement to an already exhausting regime of weight training and batting practice. I feel I can out play kids half my age still.
And I’m not worried about resigning with L.A. My agent Scott is really working hard in my best interest. I’m sure he will put together a contract fair that will also benefit the Dodger fans. That is really important to me; if it wasn’t for the fans, where would any of us players be?
So I know it’s not money worries that have me pre-occupied.
I want a baby. There I said it. Even now as I write this, my eyes are tearing up. All my hitting records, my World Series rings mean nothing if I can’t share my love with a child of my own. But all hope is not lost Diary.
Tomorrow I’m meeting with a doctor who says he can help me get pregnant. Dr. Gonzales assures me this new herbal elixir does not contain anything on baseball’s banned substance list. The last thing I want to do is sacrifice my integrity, even for the joy of feeling that life growing inside me.
So pray for me Diary; the next time I write I hope to be “great with child” as the Bible describes. I can’t wait – even the morning sickness won’t be so bad. Ha ha.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Here are some clear signs NFL fans might not want to overlook:
- The good people at Advil left an additional flat of Extra Strength pain relievers at his Mississippi home.
- Brett is using the push mower instead of the riding tractor clearly getting back in playing condition.
- The guys in his new Wrangler Jeans “game of touch” commercial are wearing pads.
- Three more horses arrived. More horses = More horse urine = more steroids.
- There are more flights between Green Bay, Wisconsin and Gulfport Mississippi this week than NHL teams filing for bankruptcy.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
- Issue a warning that Swine Flu is spread by email.
- Two words: Chocolate Stamps.
- Send 5 letters and receive a $5 coupon off any TGIFriday’s appetizer (Monday thru Wednesday before 6 PM, offer not valid in Utah).
- Sexy new stamp series such as Celebrity Crotch Shots and Plastic Surgery Gone Wrong.
- Twitter Mail: 3” x 1” cards for only $0.05 let you tell one person “having a latte at S’Bucks ;)”
- Get men mailing again by declaring that “Writing Thank-You Notes” is the new on-line
- Massive marketing campaign demonstrating how much less efficient clicking ‘SEND” is than writing a letter, putting it in an envelope, carrying it to the mailbox then waiting three days for it to be received (maybe).
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
"Lindsey Lohan just came back from Mexico and she's coughing over by the guacamole."
"The good news is we have tequila. the bad news is her first name is Tila."
"You kids stop with the sticks! Nicole Ritchie is not a pinata - just pregnant."
"Hugh Jackman is here! But he's "Oscar Presenter Jackman" not "Wolverine Jackman."
"Go Away. I don't want a peek at your Federal Bailout Package Senator."
"Paula Abdul is about to sing and dance!"
"Madonna just adopted three of your neighbor's kids. Do you have a yoga mat? If you throw it out the door maybe she'll leave."
"Chris Brown meet Britney Spears. Britney Spears, Chris Brown."
Today the White House announced a 6-Year, $68 Billion initiative to fight illness and disease around the world.
While the Assistant Secretary of State described grandiose plans and pointed to pie charts, many people who understand the crushing effect that poverty has reiterated the two fundamental solutions that have always been required:
- Birth Control
- Education for Girls
Actually, if girls can throw of the shackles of oppression and religious dogma foisted on them by ignorance, they will demand birth control themselves.
That should be Obama's Goal: High School Diplomas for Every Girl on the Planet.
Monday, May 4, 2009
- No matter how diligent I am at packing items into boxes for easy retrieval at the new place, inevitably I'll be standing around int he debris on Monday morning unable to find razors, socks, cutlery, batteries or my wallet.
- I can always count on having a garbage bag full of clothes to go to the Salvation Army even though I have not bought a single shirt the whole occupancy.
- Why do I always miss the greatest sporting event of the year while the cable is disconnected?
- A box spring will refuse to be navigated through at least one doorway or stairwell.
- Kentucky Fried Chicken will taste like heaven at 9 PM Saturday night after the last box has been removed from the truck and like crap any other time.
- I'll never read any of these books again, but I can't seem to part with them.
- What the hell gets the freezer so f'ing dirty? it's all in unopened packages for crying out loud!
Just a reminder to join the other followers of Dogs & Jeans. 88 more Followers and I'll donate $100 to UNICEF.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Happy 61st Birthday Israel!