Friday, February 27, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
- $28 for ABBA to re-write the movie “Slumdog Millionaire” and include some catchier tunes so the movie is more fun like “Mamma Mia”.
- $16 million to fund a 24 hour Megan Fox TV channel,
- $250,000 for Octomom Nadya Suleman to have more plastic surgery to have her look less like Angelina Jolie and more like Morgan Freeman,
- $4 million to help Kara DioGuardi plot her overthrow of Paula Abdul on American Idol,
- $6000 for someone to beat “the crap” out of Chris Brown while wearing a Rhianna mask,
- $200 million to help promote the NHL. Who knew professional hockey was Barack’s favourite sport?
- $2.5 million for some cool new widgets on his MySpace page; and
- $100 billion to develop an alternative energy based on America’s most renewable resource: credit cards
Thursday, February 19, 2009
13:00 – Introductions.
13:05 – Discussion on protectionism under new “Buy American” Initiative.
13:15 – Arm Wresting (best 2 of 3).
13:20 – Change description to “Buy North American” Initiative.
13:25 – Discussion on re-negotiating NAFTA.
13:40 – 1 on 1 half court B-Ball game to 15.
13:55 – Removal of Canada from NAFTA
14:00 – Discuss larger role for Canadian troops in Afghanistan.
14:15 – Street hockey shoot-out, first to five goals.
14:30 – Canada to take lead in securing outlying Afghani provinces.
14:35 – The “Celine” Issue.
14:45 – Karaoke Idol contest – Hits of the 70’s judged by an impartial random group of Canadian citizens.
14:55 – Celine Dion exiled permanently back to Canada. A nation weeps.
15:00 – Meeting adjourned. Email addresses exchanged with a promise to IM everyday.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Half the people are dancing and drinking, the other half are texting. In fact, half the people on the floor are texting while they dance. And when I say “people” I really mean girls, because I can’t recall any guys texting.
Clusters of girls would be gathered around an out-held cell device as they co-wrote messages to their friends. I suspect most of the messages are: “WERE DANCING. GET HERE BITCH?”. As the evening wore on these would have become: “WHERE R U?” Near the end of the evening, the girls on their own were frantically pressing keys likely sending texts to AWOL boyfriends asking why they hadn’t called and informing them “IM COMING TO C U”. The only thing worse than a drunk text, is a drunk late night drop-in.
At several points in the evening, I saw guys dancing WITHOUT GIRLS. And they don’t keep their arms bent firmly, hands clenched in fists at belt level. Their arms actually shoot over their heads swaying back and forth. I would not have been surprised to see ‘jazz hands” at the ends.
In the 90’s, the only reason a guy had to move any part of his body in time to the music was to make time with a pretty girl, and maybe rub up against her a little. I remember guys dancing by themselves on the dancefloor; back then we called them drunks. Now guys are dancing for the sake of dancing itself. Guys dancing at the side of the room, guys on the dance floor, even guys ‘bustin’ a move’ in little clusters amid the other dancers. Weird.
No longer the domain of bikers and sailors, tattoos are everywhere: arms, necks, bellybuttons and lower backs. They are as much accessory as a purse or hair gel.
Guys Drinking Mixed Drinks:
When I was in my 20’s, guys drank beer. That was all. Bartenders had it easy. Now guys are walking around with tumblers filled with orange, purple or pink liquids. They nurse their beverage through thin cocktail straws. Not only do I drink beer because I like it, it’s a great “volume for the dollar” beverage. I could never make those little drinks last through the night on my meagre budget.
Anyone else notice these phenomenon?
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
When you read the list of other things Alex’s ‘unnamed’ cousin pushed him to do, you’ll understand better how unable he was to resist:
- Stick his tongue on frozen playground equipment
- Try out for “The Bachelorette”
- Replace his regular coffee with Sanka
- Perform together as Miami’s hottest drag duo: The Temptresses
- Vote for Ralph Nader
- Ask Michael Vick to dogsit
- Line up three days before for every Harry Potter movie opening
- Meet Madonna
- Give Plaxico Burress a gun
- During October, only swing at pitches outside the strike zone.
Monday, February 16, 2009
At the time of the meeting, my kids were well behaved while the Doggie Couple’s dogs were running around my feet barking. Plus my kids are teenagers so didn’t need me to pick up their feces in a little plastic bag, so I thought the Doggie Couple’s smugness was unfounded.
However, anyone who has spent time hiking in the outdoors with both dogs and kids might understand that there are some things the Doggie Couple may be right about:
- Dogs never complain about how much farther it is to walk.
- As long as there is something (or someone) to sniff, dogs don’t whine about being bored.
- Dogs (at least descent sized ones) are never cold. The need to wear little coats is entirely the owner’s prerogative.
- Dogs don’t cry if they get hungry or thirsty.
- You don’t have to “wait up” for a dog on a steep hill. In fact, the dog will usually cover twice the distance you will over difficult terrain.
- Kids need toys, games and i-Pods to distract them; dogs just need an old stick.
- On the way home, dogs just lie down and rest while kids beg you to stop at McDonalds.
Kids may bring us the greatest joy over the long run, but a run in the rain is more fun with a Lab.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Razorba Back Shaver: “The Razorba is the only way we can think of to remove your back hair without enlisting the help of another person.”
And here I thought the act of back shaving was a good way to build intimacy
ManDelay Premature Ejaculation Cream: “ManDelay helps you stay in control so you and your partner can experience longer lasting sexual enjoyment and improved sexual compatibility.”
The worst thing about something that gives you a better sexual experience, is that it just might lead to having more frequent sex and nobody wants to have to put up with that.
Bald Head Wipes: “Provides a cool feeling while our moisturizers and gentle cleansers wipe away dirt build up and the natural oil that secretes from the pores on the head.”
Not only does this gift remind your fellah that he’s follicle-challenged, but you are suggesting he can’t even keep the top of his head clean. I suppose it would be suitable if his arms only reach to the tops of his ears.
Classic Rock band Baby Clothes
We all agree that Led Zepplin is one of the best bands of all time, but find a different way to tell your partner your pregnant.
Hello Kitty Contact Lenses Maybe it’s just me, but Hello Kitty creeps me out even more than garden gnomes. At least the garden gnome has an expression on it’s face, but you never know what Hello Kitty is thinking.
Bathroom Scale: “I’m cheep and spent, like, 8 seconds thinking about you, but in that time I realized you were fat. Happy Valentine’s Day.”
A Feather Duster: “You have NEVER seen a feather duster like this one before! The ostrich feathers themselves are nearly twelve inches long. And of course, we have included the purple feathers for the magic touch!”
Don’t be fooled by the marketing. No matter how fancy this thing is, it will not save you from the “no household appliance” gift giving rule. Walk away slowly.
Bikini Wax Kit: Men know women wax, women know men know they wax. There’s no need to bring it out in the open unless you won’t be offended by receiving the painful Nosehair Trimmer, guys.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
- Madonna is setting up Kabala centers across Africa to teach people how a combination of extreme yoga and quasi-religious worship virtually eliminates the need to ever eat again.
- Paris Hilton has started a bottle drive to raise money for the Red Cross. So far all the bottles collected have been emptied by her.
- Jessica Simpson is releasing a Greatest Hits album with all proceeds going for African famine relief. That project will get underway right after she has a hit.
- Rosanne Barr will refrain from eating children for one month.
- Angelina Jolie is raising money through the sale of a calendar featuring intimate, topless photos… of children she would like to adopt.
- Demi Moore has vowed never to act again.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Shocking revelations have been emerging suggesting that California woman who gave birth last week to octuplets maybe should not have been encouraged to undertake fertility treatments. There are several signs the point to this being a worse idea than President Bush producing his own line of comfort fitting jump suits which include:
- She is a single woman living with her parents,
- She has suffered from depression and has used giving birth as a treatment; and
- She has six kids already.
Actually that last one should be all the discouragement any doctor should need to refuse to implant her uterus with even a single fertilized egg, much less six.
There is a fear that her circumstances will open the door to other women who should not be having any more children to have a medically-assisted litter of pups. So before any doctors out there succumb to the pressure, here are some easy ways to say “No”:
- My services are free. All I require is you attend a 2 hour introduction on a wonderful vacation timeshare opportunity.
- Sorry, my turkey baster is in the shop.
- I’m involved in a small dispute with the IRS. Do you mind if I stash some gold in there since I’ll be in the neighborhood with your embryos?
- No sperm for you!
- I am required to give at least one baby from each mother to Michael Jackson.
- Do have your heart set on a fully human baby? Because we have some lovely human/baboon hybrids available. Care to look at the brochure?
- Sugar, I’m all the donor you need.
- (adopt accent) Guantanamo’s library cart had a magazine article about the procedure so I feel pretty well prepared.
- Just so you know, Mother will insist we to be married before the babies come.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
"Senators Less Optimistic Over Stimulus Deal" - Hmm, had enough about the economy for the week..
"Ticket Master - Live Nation Merger" - More people other than me getting rich...
"Impostors on Facebook a Threat to Teens" - Don't understand the technology or the appeal.
"Woman Sets Breast Implant Record: 38KKK" - Hang on!
According to Fox News, Texan Sheyla Hershey has undergone a series of operations which have resulted in her having the biggest (surgically enhanced) breasts in the world. After US doctors refused to make her any bigger after FFF, she went to Brazil where they are not so picky about medical ethics. The good folks at The Guinness World of Records refuses to recognize her achievement as is does not want to encourage others to emulate her behaviors. You know you have done something really crazy when even Guinness thinks you are nuts.
Note: I think this picture is one with the old knockers. To see how much bigger wacky Miss Hershey is, click here.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
“CEO’s are indicator species in our economy, in the same way newts and salamanders tell us about the health of wetlands,” says Humphrey VandenKoogel, a spokesman for the Council of Wealthy Americans. “If the VP’s of Fortune 500 companies stop being able to live a lifestyle of Champagne Wishes and Caviar Dreams, then there is little hope for Joe and Janet Six Pack.”
“Taking away extravagant bonuses only hurts the little guy,” responded Oscar Montague III of the US Luxury Automobile Association. “For every Lamborghini or Jaguar we sell to an executive who just received their bonus, 25 used Carolla’s are sold in the state of California alone. President Obama is condemning every Kinko’s manager and daycare worker to public transit.”
VandenKoogel cites an ongoing lack of understanding in Trickledown Economics for today’s “populist” announcement. “The CEO of an investment firm receives $4 million, and buys a summer home in Tuscany. He has to fly his family over at least once a year. While at the airport, they all buy a slice of pizza and an iced tea at a Sbarro’s and that Sbarro’s manager can hire a recent immigrant to clean part time. It’s the circle of life.”
Sbarro’s was unavailable for comment due to massive layoffs.
For more on the Economic Crisis, read how the Automobile CEO's are managing.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
- You are going to feel a slight pressure.
- The way the light hits you in your underpants is exquisite.
- Cough. Now sneeze. Now pretend you are spinning a hula hoop.
- Has this lump always had hair on it?
- Can you please sign here agreeing that I informed you I'm a registered sex offender?
- Eww, gross!
- Do you mind bending over again? My wedding band seems to have come off.
- Sir, according to my calculations, you are either overweight or six months pregnant.
- President Eisenhower stole my andirons.