Sexy Men Hit Hard by Recession

The recession has hit every segment of the economy hard, and People Magazine’s Sexiest Men Alive issue has not been spared either. Gone are the A-List Hollywood Hotties like Hugh Jackman, George Clooney and Brad Pitt. They have been replaced by a rag-tag collection of burnout’s, has-beens and the hygienically challenged. President Obama needs to get focused to economic stimulation so next year we can get back to the McDreamy’s and McSteamy’s and be spared from the following:

• Johhny Depp – Apparently being a middle aged, smelly pirate hippie with a fake accent is considered sexy. I guess I’ll stop bathing and wear more vests to attract the ladies.
• Jake Gyllenhaal – If the dictionary defined sexy as "awkward and off-putting", this entry to the list would make sense. While only marginally better looking than his sister Maggie, Jake shuffles across the screen in every role like an opium addict. Mr. Gyllenhall, I can quit you.
• Ryan Reynolds – Funny, handsome and Canadian. Okay, this one passes.
• Bradley Cooper – The break-out star from "The Hangover" is appealing, in a greasy, used car salesman sort of way. However, I can get the feeling he’s like one of your pals who tells you how he always tells a girl he put on the condom but only fumbled with the package briefly in the dark before putting it back in his pocket. And he didn't call her again either.
• Nick Cannon – If marrying an over-the-hill, overweight diva is sexy now, the he’s sexy. Next time any of you fellows are feeling less than sexy, just marry Kirstie Alley and see how that turns out.
• John Cho – If you needed a sign to the weakness in the economy look no further than the growing influence of Asia in Sexy Men lists. Handsome, erudite and talented, the star of “Flashforward”, “Star Trek” and “Harold and Kumar” is not out of place on such a list, but this may be the beginning of outsourcing all pointless vanity directories to China, South Korea and the Philippines.
• Robert Pattison – The release of “New Moon” make this announcement timely, and the screaming of millions of obsessed 14 year old girls (and their mothers) certainly validates the decision, but I remember when a man had to have been exposed to the sun at least once in his life to be considered attractive.
• Robert Downey Jr. – Sure he’s talented, but one "Ironman" movie can’t make up for a lifetime of drug abuse, alcoholism and general creepiness can it? At least wait until "Ironman 2" to decide.
• David Beckham – Becks is an old standby. Considered sexy even back in his teens, the soccer star has faithfully maintained his appeal to women no matter the length of his hair, the strangeness of his clothes, the high pitch of his voice or the obvious artificiality of his wife’s boobs. He can stay.
• Adam Lambert – Are you kidding me? This is how I know it’s all about weak finances. You needed a singer People Magazine? How about Tim McGraw, Akon, John Mayer, Keith Urban, or Michael Buble? Weren’t there any other "American Idol" singers you could have considered? Even Sting, now in his early 80’s, is sexier than Adam Lambert.

Update: Judging by the comments, all the readers have seen "Chocolat" and are in love with the character of Roux. So no matter how smelly and dirty (a la "Pirates") or weird and creepy (a la Willie Wonka), Johnny Depp is sexy. Case closed.