An unnamed White House official told Dogs & Jeans (under a promise on anonymity) that they have been preparing for this final event for years. “They say it ain’t over till the fat lady sings? She’s sung. Well, not exactly sung, but announced the end of her broadcast. God help us all.”
The question still remains: What portent does Oprah’s announcement hold that is so significant.? There are several theories, all of which suggest the most popular person in entertainment is, in fact, not a person at all.
“Ms. Winfrey, or Salgreth the Omnicient as she is known on her own planet, has chosen to return home prior to the End of Days,” explains Paul Taggert, Director of Paranormal Studies for The University of Phoenix’s Extension Program. “Others will follow her lead and abandon earth before it’s destruction, ensuring that at least some of Earth culture and history remain min the Universe.” Taggert claims such prominent people as the Dalai Lama, England’s Prince Charles and Ryan Seacrest are all aliens soon to flee.
However, a more likely scenario is that it will be Oprah herself who will be responsible for the 2012 catastrophes. “Oprah will evolve into her mature form,” predicts Sylvia Heppner, the Chair of Cryptozoology at the Grenada School of Medicine. “She is the last of her kind. Awoken from a proto-chrysalis state in 1978, she will now begin to feed on all the stored up vanity and greed she has been receiving from of all the celebrities she has interviewed over the years.”
Dr. Heppner believes Oprah his grow both in size and uncontrollable rage over the next 18 months until she will become an unstoppable rampaging force. “Imagine the wrath of Vigo the Carpathian from Ghostbusters 2 combined with the destructive capacity of the Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man manifestation of Gozer the Gozarian from Ghostbusters 1. We can all kiss our asses goodbye.”
Harpo Productions was not available for comment by press time.
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8 comments:
Thank god the fat lady is going home! Adios, Areverdeci, Sayonara! God if there was another woman apart from my mother that annoyed on this planet it is oprah herself. In fact, she can pick up my mother on her way home to her planet URANUS!! BUH BYE!! Now to let you know how I really feel about her....
I meant to say "annoyed me" Geez, I need a proof reader.
End of times or her in Washington as a Rep or Sen from Il? Not a good choice. I say she will go into politics so she will be exempt from the Socialist medical bill.
Dogs and cats, living together! It'll be anarchy!
Meh.
I just can't seem to summon up anything more passionate than that for the "news" about Oprah's show ending. Or for the latest end-of-the-world prediction.
maybe she'll pull a Bret Favre!
taking this with such great authority - as surely you know what you are talking about. I am going to start living like it is 2012 then ;)
it would appear that Oprah is leaving her show just in time to enter the political world
WVW: Glad you've learned to form an opinion.
Coffeypot: She will likely just fund bills herself.
ZenMom: Soon she will seek her Key Master. Or was it a Gatekeeper?
SwirlGirl: The Bears could use some help in their secondary...
Barefoot: Buy some furniture now on credit.
Dean: Only if she can be elected Queen.
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