Monday, November 30, 2009

Will Tiger Woods Come Clean?

Tiger Woods has continued to evade the police’s questions about his car accident in the early morning hours on Friday. Even worse, he has not provided an adequate reason to the media for the collision with a fire hydrant and tree belonging to his neighbor. The following list of excuses will no longer satisfy the public Mr. Woods:
  • He was rushing out to get in-line for Black Friday savings on a dashboard GPS unit at Best Buy. Ironic huh?
  • You’d think that with enough money to buy Delaware there would be at least one diaper in the house, but nooooo!
  • There was a rumor that Kanye West was headed to an awards show and had to be stopped before it was too late!
  • He wanted to be the first to get Chelsea Clinton an engagement present.
  • Putting greens are especially forgiving between 2 and 3 AM

  • He feared for his life after dinner guest Serena Williams took a joke the wrong way and went “kinda nuts”.
  • Reckless midnight driving is the best way to create room for one more turkey sandwich.
  • Army recruiting ad was especially effective when he wasn’t feeling “all that he could be”.
  • Haven’t you ever panicked that your retirement fund is not doing well enough to support you and your family?
  • He was on his way to give the Detroit Lions some help. Any help.
  • Somebody had to talk some sense into Oprah and convince her not to quit.
  • Trees are responsible for 75% of organic pollution in America. We should all be running them over for the sake of the environment.
  • Have you ever wanted to see if that Organ Donor insignia on your driver’s license really worked?
  • Hot Swedish women aren’t really all that hot after midnight. Psych! Yes they are. They are so hot. Like nuclear hot!

Friday, November 27, 2009

Friday Demotivation

Today's Friday Demotivational Posters are Entirely Random. I repeat: Entirely Random. Do not look for a common theme within the images. Those readers who do may be subject to federal prosecution resulting in fines or incarceration.

That is all.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

American Thanksgiving Rocks!

This is a reposting, but I believe still timely:

Canada celebrates Thanksgiving too. Bet you didn’t know that. If you were aware of this fact, did you know it is not celebrated on the same day? Every year when this week in November rolls around I grow jealous and I’ll tell you why:
Time Off
Canadian Thanksgiving is always the second Monday in October, which results in a three day weekend. US Thanksgiving is the last Thursday in November, which usually results in a four day weekend; four and a half if folks leave early on Wednesday, five if you have balls and just blow off work entirely on Wednesday. In fact, since it is the biggest travel time of the year, most people can get away with going AWOL on Wednesday by shrugging and saying in an exasperated voice “You know… Thanksgiving…”
This on is a toss up. Canadian Thanksgiving features two CFL games while American Thanksgiving has three NFL games. However one of those NFL games is always the Detroit Lions, so it shouldn’t really count.
Time of Year
Canadian Thanksgiving is still very early in autumn. We have not yet had the worst of the crummy fall weather. A later holiday would give people more to look forward to while slogging out the October freezing rains and shortening days. Plus a late November holiday seems like a perfect interlude before a month of Christmas insanity. Which leads me to:
Proximity to Christmas
Christmas in Canada is the Big Event. Expectations are you must spend time (and we are talking quality time) with every family member: his, hers, yours, mine & ours. American Thanksgiving is the perfect pressure release valve for Christmas. Two ‘family’ related events within a month can spread out the guilt and disappointment that you spent one holiday with Dad and his new wife instead of Mom, her cats and the sad neighbour who isn’t really her boyfriend but always seems to be hanging around.
Happy Thanksgiving to all the friends of Dogs & Jeans who will be eating instead of blogging today.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Thanksgiving Demotivational Posters

Since everyone will either be travelling eating or sleeping over the next three days, here's a special Thanksgiving edition of the Demotivational Posters. Happy Holidays and try to get along with your relatives this year. It's only one day. Sheesh!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Why I Hate My Movember Moustache

Every November, men grow moustaches in an effort to raise awareness and money to fight prostate cancer. I jumped on board this year because:
a) preventing prostate cancer is a good thing and,
b) having an excuse to not shave for a month seemed like a good idea.

I knew I could grow a ‘stache because I had a glorious one back in my twenties. If was thick, full and a deep reddy-brown. It gave me the appearance of being a dashing cross between a World War I fighter ace and the Marlborough Man. The fact that none of the young ladies I knew felt that same way was lost on me, but that is a story for another day.

Needless to say, I was secretly excited to see how much more rakish and debonair I would now be with the return of my old friend in my forties. November First I shaved everything on my face but my upper lip and sat back to watch the magic happen. The first week was exciting as the promise of new upper lip hair growth seemed to fulfill my expectations.

However, midway through the second week it became clear that memories of the past should just stay memories. Now there is one week left to go to
raise money before shaving the damn thing off. And I’ll tell you why:
  • It itches. My God, how it itches. Imagine wearing a wool sweater that was full of sawdust and iron filings while driving on a long trip. Then, just when you find a comfortable sitting position where your skin is no longer being irritated, all the spider eggs in the sweater hatch.
  • I look creepy. I’m not sure whether times have changed, but I don’t think you can pull off the moustache without looking like you just stepped out of grainy, low budget 70’s porn. You know the kind where the music was only a rhythm guitar and it wasn’t just the European women who hadn’t heard of waxing. It’s just a good thing I’m not a volunteer playground monitor.
  • Food gets stuck in it. Anything liquid ends up as residue at the corners of my mouth: soup, chilli, pudding etc. It sounds cool to have a chance at a second meal simply by licking my lips, but that only increases the creepy factor (see above).
  • I look older. In my early 20’s, the moustache made me look more mature. Now it just ages me, and now like a fine wine, more like a bad cheese. It may be the grey whiskers in it, but I suspect it has more to do with drawing attention to the thinning hair on top.

Fortunately, November 30 is six days away and it will be down the drain that night, literally. To make the suffering worth it (and the suffering of the people I work with who have to look at me), please make a donation to the Movember Prostate Cancer fight at my page, or to another guy (or supportive gal) you can find through your local page links.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Shocking Secrets in "New Moon"

The second instalment of The Twilight saga “New Moon” had the third largest opening weekend ever, behind “The Dark Night” and “Spiderman 3”. While the popularity of the vampire/werewolf/angst-ridden teen romance is not surprising, the film did contain some very unexpected things:
  • Vampires are able to travel in the daylight but are incapacitated by the sound of Kim Kardashian’s voice,
  • In the Twilight world, Obama has accomplished no change there either,
  • Teenage werewolves, while in human form, are allergic to shirts,
    Attractive people can be unhappy. Who knew?
  • Once again, obtaining a good education to prepare kids for college and a career seem to have no place in Hollywood’s version of high schools.
  • The fate of mankind depends on getting as many people as possible to a secret location in China to withstand the oncoming global catastrophes. No wait, that’s the plot of the movie “2012”. And the “Hannah Montana” movie.
  • Ripping the flesh off of an animal and drinking it’s blood just isn’t sexy, no matter how slow the “slo-mo” is.
  • The werewolf community is split over it’s support of Jon or Kate.
  • Foreshadowing of plot of “Twilight 3: Eclipse” suggests Edward, Bella, Jacob and Alice will be travelling the country in a van, solving mysteries.
  • Compared to vampire girls, mortal girls are a drag.
  • In a fight between a vampire and a werewolf, Mike Tyson would still win (if biting were allowed).
  • As much as he’d like to be a vampire, Adam Lambert is just a singer.
  • Even The Immortals give all the crummy jobs their minority members.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Oprah's Revenge Will Be Swift and Terrible

Perhaps the popular disaster movie is not fiction after all. Friday’s announcement that Oprah Winfrey will end her popular daytime television show in 2011 confirms what many believe; the world will end in 2012. “We have tried to deny the prophesy for centuries,” said Vatican spokesman Father Luciano Marconi. “The Bible and Mayan calendars are coming together to bring about Armageddon in two years. The Church was just hoping Dan Brown could figure a way out of this before it happened.”

An unnamed White House official told Dogs & Jeans (under a promise on anonymity) that they have been preparing for this final event for years. “They say it ain’t over till the fat lady sings? She’s sung. Well, not exactly sung, but announced the end of her broadcast. God help us all.”

The question still remains: What portent does Oprah’s announcement hold that is so significant.? There are several theories, all of which suggest the most popular person in entertainment is, in fact, not a person at all.

“Ms. Winfrey, or Salgreth the Omnicient as she is known on her own planet, has chosen to return home prior to the End of Days,” explains Paul Taggert, Director of Paranormal Studies for The University of Phoenix’s Extension Program. “Others will follow her lead and abandon earth before it’s destruction, ensuring that at least some of Earth culture and history remain min the Universe.” Taggert claims such prominent people as the Dalai Lama, England’s Prince Charles and Ryan Seacrest are all aliens soon to flee.

However, a more likely scenario is that it will be Oprah herself who will be responsible for the 2012 catastrophes. “Oprah will evolve into her mature form,” predicts Sylvia Heppner, the Chair of Cryptozoology at the Grenada School of Medicine. “She is the last of her kind. Awoken from a proto-chrysalis state in 1978, she will now begin to feed on all the stored up vanity and greed she has been receiving from of all the celebrities she has interviewed over the years.”

Dr. Heppner believes Oprah his grow both in size and uncontrollable rage over the next 18 months until she will become an unstoppable rampaging force. “Imagine the wrath of Vigo the Carpathian from Ghostbusters 2 combined with the destructive capacity of the Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man manifestation of Gozer the Gozarian from Ghostbusters 1. We can all kiss our asses goodbye.”

Harpo Productions was not available for comment by press time.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Mutual of Omaha's Friday Demotivation

After the extremely questionable All Cleavage Friday Demotivation feature posted two weeks ago, we are running a much more wholesome edition this week. Believe me, most of the staff here at Dogs & Jeans have barely been able to sleep with the shame of all those barely concealed breasts. Although most of us are still struggling to recover, we are committed to providing you, the readers, with an all-animal version of this ever popular feature. This should be enough to assuage some of our guilt.

At least until next week when I'm sure there will be a few more asses and nipples thrown back in. Just like a good three beer buzz, guilt doesn't last for ever.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Sea Bass, Poker and iPhones: Random Thoughts

  • hot girl duck face photoPower walking is frustrating because if I go any faster I’m running and if I slow down then I’m not doing any work.
  • Who would win in a fight between Mary Tyler Moore and Suzanne Pleschette in 1974? What about if they fought now?
  • Duck Faces: Girls should stop sticking out their lips like sea bass in pictures. You have lips; we get it.
  • Potato salad is always good. but could usually use some more mayonnaise.

  • peter griffin moustacheI had a moustache in my 20’s and I loved it. I wanted to grow it back for years but was prevented by Powerful Forces. Now that the Powerful Forces have gone away I have grown it back. I hate it.

  • Even if you had pizza for dinner last night, if pizza is suggested for tonight, you say yes.
  • It’s odd there has never been a president named Smith or Jones, but two named Roosevelt.

  • Whenever I want to watch sports on TV, all the sports channels have poker on. At the same time. It’s not a sport!

  • No matter how many apps you put on your iPhone, it’s still just a telephone.

  • If you need to smoke a cigarette so badly that you would drive with the car window open even in a torrential downpour, you might want to think about getting The Patch.

  • Why don’t I write stuff down when I think of it? I forget so many significant insights.