Thursday, September 24, 2009

Drug Companies Need Money Too

Displaying uncharacteristic unity, Republicans and Democrats came together to defeat a motion that would have seen America’s drug companies rebate $106 billion over 10 years to help fund low income Medicare recipients. Democrats joined Republicans in the 13-10 vote warning such a move would undermine the fragile political coalition pushing the President’s larger health care overhaul.

In a completely unrelated story, the presidents of Pfizer, Johnson & Johnson, Bayer, GlaxoSmithKline, Merck and Bristol-Myers Squib each flew corporate private jets fueled by bald eagle eggs to an island in the Caribbean specially constructed for the occasion using imported coral from the Great Barrier Reef to announce a joint spending initiative intended to help jump start the economy:

  • $17 billion for cloning Giselle Bundchen so every quarterback in the NFL can have one,
  • $31 billion for the development of even stronger non-prescription Viagra that not only gives bigger, longer-lasting erections but your penis will whistle “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” when all systems are “Go”.
  • $8 billion for significant research into hair re-growth, specifically targeted to replication of a the Starsky perm & Hutch windblown do.
  • $22 billion to release of a fast acting, no-side effect Human Growth Hormone to be made unavailable to Major League Baseball players whose poor performance has been hurting Fantasy Leagues hosted by the major Las Vegas casinos.
  • $14 thousand for anti-malaria pills for Africa.
  • $11 billion for Ayds (the classic appetite suppressant made popular by 1970’s Hollywood starlets, not Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome).

16 comments:

Jaina said...

So, it's clearly been a long week. I came and read this post, and was really upset that it wasn't Friday Demotivation. And as I started typing a comment to tell you so, I suddenly realized it is not, in fact, Friday.

Trooper Thorn said...

Jaina: Now it's Friday. You can come back.

Cocotte said...

I forgot about Ayds...weren't they little chocolate squares? That is hilarious.

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