Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Jon Gosselin Gets Paid to Live Out Adolescent Male Fantasies

Jon Gosselin is meeting with network executives and media consultants this week after news broke that he has been dropped from the reality TV show "Jon & Kate plus 8". TLC has chosen to focus more on the single mom aspect of the program, changing the name to simply 'Kate plus 8" now that the couple's divorce is nearly complete.

Dogs & Jeans has learned that SPIKE TV will soon be featuring Mr. Gosseling on a new reality show "Jon Does Guy Stuff". Here is a sneak peek at the first few episodes:

Jon Goes on Spring Break: Jon takes off to Daytona with a bunch of college kids. They stay up for three straight nights. Jon judges a "Best Ass on the Beach" contest; names himself "Runner Up".

Jon Goes on "CSI: Miami": In a "very special" episode, Jon plays Horatio's other long lost brother who reveals he is now a Cuban drug lord. In the climax, they have a standoff. Horatio is forced to kill Jon and the show closes with Horatio's non-sequiter, "Looks like we kept it in the family."

Jon Gets High: Jon gets high and refuses to keep his clothes on for the remainder of the episode.

Jon Joins the Paparazzi: To see life from the other side, Jon spends a week stalking celebrities for compromising photos. He gets beaten up by both Sean Penn and Brigitte Nielsen.

Jon Dates a Brunette: Jon dates a brunette.

Jon Goes to School: Jon spends a week as a charismatic teacher in a violent inner-city school. The kids learn to dance, play in an orchestra, write letters to Amnesty International and win the state math contest.

Jon Dates a Blond: Jon dates a blond.

Jon Becomes a Biker: Jon travels on a chopper across the country in search of himself. He doesn't like what he finds. He decides that dating a red head might be the answer.
Stay tuned for more episodes...

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Would the Cheese Steak Sandwich Give Philly the Olympic Games?

Despite First Lady Obama's efforts to impress the IOC, Chicago will not be awarded the 2016 Olympic Summer Games. "Why" you ask? Consider the following reasons:
  • Can you imagine a more exotic place that Chicago? How about Madrid, Tokyo or Rio de Janeiro.
  • Exposure to deep dish pizza will cause Chinese gymnasts to grow to their normal size.
  • Chicago legend Mike Ditka has already endorsed Tokyo.
  • IOC members eager to include new events featured on crazy Japanese TV game shows.
  • Former IOC President Juan Antonio Samaranch once vowed Chicago could host the games when the Cubs won the World Series.
  • Due to economic collapse, US steroids are now just unrefined horse urine.
  • Theme of Chicago opening ceremonies: What Are You Lookin' At?
  • Spanish Royal Family has promised to supply all the horses for equestrian events. If you ask nicely, maybe they will let the athletes keep them.
  • One name: Steve Bartman.
  • The wind in the "Windy City" will be good for sailing events, but will tangle up the ribbons for rhythmic gymnastics, and everyone knows rhythmic gymnastics rule the games.
  • The Committee is unable to think clearly because still too upset that Winnipeg was not in the running.
  • Tokyo now declared a Tom Cruise-Free Zone.
  • After watching Rene Zellweger squint her way through "Chicago", no movie fan could ever support the city.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Would an Iranian Disneyland be Kosher?

In a surprise move, Tehran has admitted that it's secret underground nuclear weapons development facility is in fact a secret underground nuclear weapons development facility. The State Department was expecting to reveal intelligence later this year to make such an accusation. However, Tehran beat them to the punch. The Iranian government was forced to confess as it finally collapsed under the weight of it's own propaganda aimed at covering up the massive deep mountain excavation and cluster of 3,000 connected underground centrifuges.

Dogs & Jeans has obtained the list of explanations Iran was planning to use to rebut the US claims, and after reading it, we are sure you will agree that full disclosure was the only option. Who in their right mind would believe that the massive underground facility was actually:
  • A high energy battery site where the cybernetic life form known as Lady GaGa can feed.
  • Batcave 2.0.
  • DisneyPersia: The soon-to-be vacation destination for Israeli families.
  • A decontamination facility so powerful celebrities like Tila Tequila, David Hasslehoff and Lindsey Lohan can be made pure again.
  • Sarah Palin 2012 Campaign Headquarters.
  • The first of several underground sporting facilities so Iran can bid for the 2020 Summer Olympic Games.
  • A bunker for all Iranian citizens just in case the apocalyptic futuristic scenarios from movies like "The Terminator", "The Matrix" or "Stop or My Mother Will Shoot" ever come true.
  • The best place to grow medicinal marijuana for the whole Middle East.
  • China's outsourced laundry business.
Dec 4, 2011 Update: And now Iran has their own drone! We are all doomed...

Friday, September 25, 2009

Friday Demotivation

Congratulations, you have all made it to Friday and another installment of Friday Demotivational Posters. This is proving so popular, some bloggy readers are dropping in on Thursdays only to be disappointed it is not the end of the week yet.

In case you missed any Great Moments in Kanye West Interruption History, you can read them HERE, HERE and HERE.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Drug Companies Need Money Too

Displaying uncharacteristic unity, Republicans and Democrats came together to defeat a motion that would have seen America’s drug companies rebate $106 billion over 10 years to help fund low income Medicare recipients. Democrats joined Republicans in the 13-10 vote warning such a move would undermine the fragile political coalition pushing the President’s larger health care overhaul.

In a completely unrelated story, the presidents of Pfizer, Johnson & Johnson, Bayer, GlaxoSmithKline, Merck and Bristol-Myers Squib each flew corporate private jets fueled by bald eagle eggs to an island in the Caribbean specially constructed for the occasion using imported coral from the Great Barrier Reef to announce a joint spending initiative intended to help jump start the economy:

  • $17 billion for cloning Giselle Bundchen so every quarterback in the NFL can have one,
  • $31 billion for the development of even stronger non-prescription Viagra that not only gives bigger, longer-lasting erections but your penis will whistle “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” when all systems are “Go”.
  • $8 billion for significant research into hair re-growth, specifically targeted to replication of a the Starsky perm & Hutch windblown do.
  • $22 billion to release of a fast acting, no-side effect Human Growth Hormone to be made unavailable to Major League Baseball players whose poor performance has been hurting Fantasy Leagues hosted by the major Las Vegas casinos.
  • $14 thousand for anti-malaria pills for Africa.
  • $11 billion for Ayds (the classic appetite suppressant made popular by 1970’s Hollywood starlets, not Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome).

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Biblical Moments in Kanye West Interruption History

Since Dogs & Jeans has never been the sort of blog to shy away from beating a dead horse, our Crack Research Squad has dug deeper into the significant number of Kanye West Interruption Moments in History. We were shocked to learn this has been a big problem for far longer than anyone imagined. The popular Rapper/Musical Genius has been stealing the spotlight well back into the dawn of recorded history. Biblical scholars have even found evidence of Kanye's unwanted intervention in several books of the Old Testament:

In the Beginning (Genesis 1)
3 And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light.
4 God saw that the light was good, and He separated the light from the darkness.
5 But Kanye West saw what God had made and he was jealous.
6 "God, what you have brought forth is fine, but I have made the strobe, the disco ball and the black light to make the night club funkier."
7 God tried to dance but felt awkward and it was many years until he no longer felt self conscious in public.

Moses and the Burning Bush (Exodus 3)
10 (And God said) So now, go. I am sending you to Pharaoh to bring my people
the Israelites out of Egypt."
11 But Moses said to God, "Who am I, that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?"
12 Kanye West said "You Moses, you will be okay to talk to Pharoh and I'ma gonna let you go,
but your brother Aaron the Levite is the best public speaker of all time"
13 And the Lord's anger burned forth. "Fine take Aaron with you! Happy now??"

Samson and the Lion (Judges 14)
5 Samson went down to Timnah together with his father and mother. As they approached the vineyards of Timnah, suddenly a young lion came roaring toward him.
6 The Spirit of the LORD came upon him in power so that he tore the lion apart with his bare hands as he might have torn a young goat.
7 But Kanye West was travelling behind them with a reed basket full of kittens.
8 And Kanye took each of the kittens and smote them against the rocks saying,
"Oo Samson, you think you are so tough. Killing a lion is fine, but it takes a real man to kill kittens."
9 Samson's father sensed the awkward moment was not going to pass and they all went down
into Judea where Samson notified the local Humane Society of what he had seen.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Obama: Kanye West is a Threat to the Middle East

President Obama made progress today at a three way summit indented to kick start talks between the Israeli government and the Palestinian authority. Dogs & Jeans was surprised by some of his statements and tactics used to urge them to get back to the peace process:

  • What do you have to lose?
  • I saw Simon Cowell apologize to Ryan Seacrest. Do you want people to say you are more stubborn that Simon Cowell?
  • Whaddaya mean you won’t negotiate?
  • Remember that episode of All in the Family when Sammy Davis Jr. kissed Archie? Now who’s more different than those two?
  • I shut my daughters in a room until they get along. You want the same treatment?
  • You know who doesn’t negotiate? Terrorists.
  • Is that Megan Fox in the Rose Garden? (When they are looking, Obama forges their signatures on the peace accords)
  • C’mon!
  • Whoever agrees to negotiate first wins 2 tickets to a Dane Cook show.
  • Please negotiate. Pretty please.
  • (Kanye West bursts into the room) “I’ma gonna let you finish President Obama, but Kevin Spacey was the best negotiator EVER!”

Monday, September 21, 2009

How Well Did You Know Patrick Swayze?

With the untimely passing of Patrick Swayze last week, Dogs & Jeans fulfills it's duty as legitimate surveyor of popular culture by offering this 1980's Patrick Swayze Movie Quiz. Please note that this contest is offered for entertainment purposes only. Wagering is greatly discouraged:

A) The sequel to 1989 hit “Road House was called”

  1. “Another Road House”
  2. “Road House Nights”
  3. “Road House 2”
  4. A sequel? Are you kidding me?

B) The plot to his 1991 film “Point Break” was:

  1. An LA detective goes under cover to catch a gang of computer hackers who might be motorcycle racers.
  2. An FBI agent goes undercover to catch a gang of bank robbers who may be surfers.
  3. A CIA agent goes under cover to catch a gang of terrorist who might be parachutists.
  4. There is no comprehensible plot to this movie.

C) Swayze’s character’s name in his first feature film “Skatetown U.S.A” was what:

  1. Derek Sutton
  2. Johnny Castle
  3. Ace Johnson
  4. Bohdi Dalton

D) How old was Swayze’s dance instructor character supposed to be in the 1987 film “Dirty Dancing”?
  1. 25
  2. 30
  3. 35
  4. Old enough to know better than to have sex with a minor.

E) In the 1986 movie “Youngblood”, Swayze starred with Rob Lowe as:

  1. An aging hockey player trying to for one last shot at the NHL.
  2. An aging astronaut trying for one last shot into space.
  3. An aging bull rider trying for one last shot at the gold buckle.
  4. An aging hair model trying for one last shot at the Vidal Sassoon catalogue.

F) The resistance fighters in 1984’s “Red Dawn” called themselves:

  1. "Grizzlies"
  2. “Wolverines”
  3. "Cougars"
  4. "Ghosts"

G) In the classic Satureday Night Live skit, who won the tryout contest between Swayze and Chris Farley to be a Chippendale's Dancer?

  1. Farley
  2. Swayze
  3. It was a tie
  4. The entire television audience

Friday, September 18, 2009

Friday Demotivation

Once again, it's time for the ever popular Friday Demotivation Poster Series (as sourced at the ever popular

If you missed all the fun we had this week at Kanye West's expense, you can check it out here and here and here.

So, without further ado, here come the laughs...

Thursday, September 17, 2009

More Great Moments in Kanye West Interruption History

Due to the popular response from Tuesday's post, Dogs & Jeans is proud to present: More Great Moments in Kanye West Interruption History.

It wasn’t just Monumental Speeches Kanye West has interrupted. This Musical Genius (by his own admission) has stolen the spotlight during some of the most famous television broadcasts.
The 1969 Moon Landing:
“That’s one small step for man, one giant…”
Kanye pops out from behind the lunar module.
“Yo Neil, you may think you something else but Martians been coming here for thousands of years. Don’t you be disrespecting the little green men.”

1980 US Olympic Hockey Broadcast:
“Do you believe in miracles?”
Kanye slides out to center ice,
“Yo Al Michaels, imma gonna let you finish, but the real Miracle on Ice was Dorothy Hamill’s 1976 gold medal in figure skating. That bitch could twirl!”

M*A*S*H 1983 Finale:
Hawkeye Pierce is seen flying over the 4077 M*A*S*H in the helicopter when he spots the word “GOODBYE” in stones written by his friend BJ Hunnicutt. The music begins to play.
Suddenly Kanye West runs out from the bushes and starts rearranging the stones to spell out: ROOTS RULES!!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Great Moments in Kanye West Interruption History

Many people are appalled by Kanye West's disgraceful interruption of Taylor Swift's acceptance speech at this weekend's MTV awards show. However, those who have followed the career of the controversial entertainer are not surprised. In fact, West has interrupted many significant orations and important public addresses in the past.

King Henry V's Address before the Battle of Agincort:
"We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition;
And gentlemen in England now-a-bed
Shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks..."

Kanye steps to the dais:
"Yo, Yo, Word up King!
You all be suckers to think such
Forces as those of France be not bold;
On swords and arrows and pikes is your destiny
Unless you book it back to England with me!"

President Lincoln's Gettysburg Address:
"Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.
Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure."

Kanye rushes to the platform:
"Don't be deceived by fancy words and stovepipe hats. This war ain't about equality, it's about cotton. Slavery be alright with the North as long as they have unfettered access to the resource rich lands of the South. The wheels of Yankee prosperity are oiled by the blood of the black man! Damn, you tall Abe!"

Adolf Hitler's 1936 Nuremberg Rally:
"How Germany has to work to wrest a few square kilometers from the ocean and from the swamps while others are swimming in a superfluity of land!
It is hard to build up a new life out of your poverty, but I am not complaining. On the contrary, I find it wonderful to face difficult problems."

Kanye knocks two brown shirted Nazi's to the ground and takes the mic:
"Acthung all you volks. Don't listen to this Charlie Chaplin wannabe with his "hard work" this and "face our difficulties with unity" that. Scheize! Find somebody to blame! That's the answer. Then invade Poland."

Martin Luther King's 1963 march on Washington Speech:
"Let freedom ring. And when this happens, and when we allow freedom ring—when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children—black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics—will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual: 'Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty...' "

Kanye races up the steps of the Lincoln Memorial and pushes to the podium:
"That ain't no 'old Negro' nothin' Slim. 'Free at last'? Those are my words, my lyrics. I'm a God Damn musical genius and don't you forget it. You quote Kanye, you pay Kanye! Understand Fool?!"

Monday, September 14, 2009

Bin Laden and the She Males

In his most recent audio tape, Osama bin Laden calls President Obama "powerless" to stop the war on terrorism. Released two days after the 8th anniversary of 9/11, the speech is full of threats, demands and insults. Some statements are cliched, but bin Laden issues some surprising claims as well:

  • A call for an "All Drag Queen" edition of Big Brother to be broadcast next year

  • The NCAA to implement a traditional 16 team playoff system for football.

  • More stringent lending practices for banks and federal deposit guarantees for investors up to $60K.

  • Israel to build a Michael Jackson museum in Tel Aviv.

  • An immediate withdrawl of US troops from Saudi Arabia to Madagascar where the animals can apparently talk.

  • Implementation of a user-pay, tax deductible insurance system to cover basic medical costs for all US citizens, with an option to buy in for illegal immigrants.

  • Kanye West to be kicked in the nuts but the following people: Billie Jean King, Oprah, Pink, Elton John and the girl that played Punky Brewester.

  • The next Guitar Hero Special Edition to be a tribute to REO Speedwagon.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Friday Demotivation

It's Friday, and time for the ever Dogs & Jeans everpopular Demotivational Posters. And after all, couldn't we use a bit of a smile on Sept 11?

Enjoy the weekend and see you all again Monday.