Monday, July 6, 2009

It's So Hard for Celebrities to Find Good Help

On the heels of the surprising news that Michael Jackson’s doctor was not licensed to prescribe medicine, comes more shocking revelations that most of his staff were neither trained nor certified to perform their tasks:



Manuel Ortega, Jackson’s long time chauffeur, did not hold a drivers license for the State of California. While hie Guatemalan fishing license in valid, it is not sufficient to operate a motor vehicle anywhere in the United States.










His personal cook, Ivana Palanova, holds a degree in Art History in her native Ukraine, but has not passed so much as a Food Safe course from the Community Learning Annex. Ms. Palanova may be able to describe in great detail the illumination techniques of Rembrandt, but in unaware of the correct internal temperature of a chicken breast to prevent botulism.









Dave Johnson, Jackson’s accountant, holds no certification in accounting or business administration. In fact, investigators now claim Johnson is in fact Luigi de Pascaule, the former bookkeeper for the Gambino crime syndicate who is currently part of the FBI’s witness relocation program.



And the most explosive report yet is that Prudence Uffington-Smythe, the nanny for the two youngest of Jackson’s children holds no training in childcare management. Furthermore, Ms. Uffington-Smythe is not even a 24 year old British immigrant, but is in fact 31 year old Lawrence McNichol of Ohio, a fugitive convicted of 17 counts of indecent exposure in school yards. Authorities are currently investigation who performed the very effective sex change operation on McNichol.

6 comments:

Swirl Girl said...

A hard celebrity is good to find.

Trooper Thorn said...

Swirl Girl: But hold onto them when you find one or two.

tammy said...

You can't operate a car with a fishing license? What about an airplane? Because I'm pretty sure that's what my hubby's been using all these years.

And lol at Swirl Girl.

Scrappy Girl said...

Poor celebrities...

Pseudonymous High School Teacher said...

I swear, are you making this stuff up?

Trooper Thorn said...

tammy: You actually need a BlockBuster membership to fly a plane.

Scrappy Girl: Life is cruel. You sound like a caring, empathetic person caring for such a precious commodity as celebrities.

PHST: Who could make up something so bizarre?