Thursday, April 30, 2009

Ashton Kutcher May Need Your Help

As of today, Ashotn Kutcher has refused to engage in my challenge to gain 100 new blogger followers for a UNICEF donation. This is not bad news since I have only gained 10 in the last week, so the headstart is beneficial. As well, I have not kept up my bargain to post 2 funny things per day; somedays I have only had one funny thing to say.

Actually that's not true. I say plenty of funny things everyday but posting every bon mots to blogger everytime I crack up a coworker seems kind of self centered and a little obsesive/compulsive.

So I will have to content myself with posting more thoughtful edited pieces to really capture a larger following.

But I'll leave that for tomorrow and continue with my normal blogging jackassery.

I thought I'd check out what Ashton is doing with his Twitter, and possibly coax him to into the race. So I clicked over to to see what the 'low down" was (Note the use of hip teen slang).

I could not understand a thing.

Here is what Twittering to Ashton is all about:

@sarah_ross this will cheer you up
@beulloa no I dropped out
I just watched this ball video for the 6th time its filarious.
@kbrsnow tried that to no avail

What the f**k is he talking about? This gibberish makes Exidor from "Mork & Mindy" look sane.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Obama - More successful than Napoleon

In recognition of President Obama’s First 100 Days in Office (and not at all related to my race with Ashton Kutcher to be the first to gain 100 new Blogger followers), here are some interesting random facts about the Number 100 to consider:
  • There are100 centimetres in a metre. The winners of the Olympic 100 metre race is considered the Fastest Man and Woman on Earth.
  • 100 years is a century. A person who lives to 100 is known as a Centenarian.
  • The US Senate has 100 Senators, one of whom was Strom Thurmond who lived to be 100.
  • There are 100 tiles in a Scrabble set.
  • There are 100 cents in a dollar. Benjamin Franklin is on the $100. He is the only non-president on US currency and the 100 is the largest bill in currency.
  • The Roman numeral for 100 is C. The musical note ‘C’ is played by the thumb in the starting position on the piano.
  • A $100 bill is also called a “C note”. Benjamin Franklin played the harpsichord, a predecessor of today's piano.
  • 100 is the square of 10.
  • 100% is a full amount of something and a perfect score on a test or complete measurement of something.
  • 100 is the sum of the cubes of the first 4 integers.
  • 100 is the sum of the first 9 prime numbers. There are 9 justices on the US Supreme Court. The sum of the ages of the current justices is 626.
  • 100 degrees Celsius is the boiling point of water.
  • 100 days elapsed between Napoleon’s return from exile to his defeat at the Battle of Waterloo.
  • Pope Valentine was the 100th pope, but for less than two months.
  • Wilt Chamberlain scored 100 points in a single game March 2, 1962.
  • 100 yards is the minimum distance of a par 3 golf hole.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The Defense Department Needs to Hire Madison Avenue, Not Evacuate It.

Note to the Department of Defense: A low level fly-by of the Financial District of New York is a bad idea and will likely remain so for the next 50 years. As surprised as the rest of North America is at having to tell you this, we all understand that people make mistakes; you've been busy what with the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and all.

In fact, just to save you from further unpleasantness, here are a few more possible scenarios you might want to avoid for future marketing campaigns:
  • Don't flood New Orleans to demonstrate the effectiveness of floating personnel carriers
  • Sparking a race riot in Los Angeles in the middle of August to promote proper crowd control techniques is fraught with risk.
  • Rounding up people of Japanese descent and placing them in camps for a campaign to promote family togetherness might be seen as insensitive.
  • Also insensitive would be a long hike of Native Americans out of Florida no matter how much you focus on the fun of camping.

And if anyone from the ad agency suggests marketing material featuring Nazi's, the Holocaust or racial genocide of any kind, thank them for their ideas and promptly show them the door.

Do Women Need Men Once Hunting Is No Longer For Food?

Update: UNICEF is still waiting for that $100 donation. Let's beat Ashton Kutcher to 100 new followers! Sign up to Dogs & Jeans today.

News reports (and by 'news' I mean something posted at suggest that there is a growing trend of women leaving husbands and boyfriends for other women. I don't understand why this is shocking. It's been said (and by 'said' I mean something a roommate in college slurred after being shut down by every co-ed in the bar one night) that women are just one more margarita away from being lesbians on any night.

And you can hardly blame women for considering a relationship with the fairer sex; I know I find women far more appealing than men. So if I find it to be so, then so should everyone right?

Consider all the areas where women are superior:
  • women smell better and are more fastidious about personal hygiene
  • women have significantly less body hair than men, and if the current trend toward bikini waxing continues, pubic hair will only be seen in museum displays of Neanderthal life.
  • women are better listeners, even if the other person has nothing to say and only wants to talk about their feelings without a desire for anyone to offer a solution to an issue regarding a coworker who continues to take personal calls in an open office environment.
  • women are tidier and easier to live with (unless they are teenagers).

However, there would be significant social implications should momentum gather and our society be gathered into two groups of co-habitating single gender couples. The women's society would be productive and clean but volatile as friends are constantly being snubbed and cut-out for perceived slights. The men's society would rapidly fall into a lethargic horde of unwashed, malnourished, aimless beings who are free from curtains, place mats and the need to ever sign a card for someone again.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Does Swine Flu Need Better PR?

The CDC is having a difficult time gathering public support in it’s fight against the spread of Swine Flu. It could be that the name itself is so unappealing. While the word ‘swine’ is the correct collective term for anything pig related, even hog producers use the word sparingly. Perhaps this would be an easier public information campaign if the disease was to be re-branded with something more appealing:
  • NFL Pigskin Fever
  • Mexican Hangover
  • SARS Lite
  • The Amazing Race Bug
  • Non-Kosher Virus
  • Twitter Shakes
  • Flightless Bird Flu
  • Donald Trump Cramps
  • Vomiting With The Stars
  • Summer Breeze Sickness

Friday, April 24, 2009

Obama Plays Well With Others

Dogs & Jeans needs 90 more followers to reach the goal of gaining 100 new Blogger followers before Ashton Kutcher. Sign up today and tell your friends. A $100 donation to UNICEF is waiting.

Obama’s Report Card
CNN has compiled a national opinion poll on President Obama’s first 100 days in office. Since poll questions, and statistics in general, contain plenty of bias and can be difficult to interpret, Dogs & Jeans has repackaged the results in a manner we are all familiar with: the School Report Card.

Subject: Economics C
Barack understands the value of a dollar but has difficulty gathering support for the Financial Stimulus project this term. None of his team members are willing to cooperate and continue to represent their own contradictory plans. This has held back the whole class from making progress.

Subject: Physics (Energy) C+
Barack continues to develop as a scientist but needs to remember the basic principles of research. Experiments must be designed to prove a hypothesis in a controlled, repeatable manner, not just to ‘see what happens if we do some stuff with oil’.

Subject: Biology (Health Care) C
Barack will do better if he focuses more on the fundamentals of research and less on ‘playing doctor’.

Subject: History (Military Conflicts) D
While a bright student, Barack’s general weakness is assuming everyone else thinks like he does. More effort spent on learning that the basic motivators behind past conflicts are greed, fear and the struggle for power will stand him in better stead for the upcoming tests.

Subject: Civics (Diplomacy) B
One of the best in the class. Barack is eager to get along with others and understands well how to get what he wants by giving others what they want.

Subject: Phys Ed (Domestic Security) F
Although Barack is a fit and capable student, he lacks the ‘killer instinct’ to be successful at competitive games. Putting more emphasis on having a strong offence will help him succeed against opponents with ‘nothing to lose’.

Presidency Overall C+
Barack shows promise overall, but will need to continue pushing himself if he is to be successful. He has been a pleasure to have around.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

iPhone's Cavalcade of Disappointment

Hot on the heels of Dogs & Jeans race with Ashton Kutcher to reach 100 new Blogger followers (93 more to go!), comes news that the iPhone is about to receive it's 1 Billionth application download. The iPhone is so much more than a cellular telephone; it's a virtual news and entertainment warehouse.

Personally I've never used the device, but people assure me it's like if CNN married ESPN at Disneyland and had a baby that could travel through time. Here's a
guide to the apps available for addition to your device to keep you from being bored, or spend anytime with friends and family who miss you since you stumbled into the Apple store that day with your tax refund cheque.

However, despite the popularity of the iPhone app business, there have been plenty of failures, tools that are forever destined to sit on the virtual shelves, un-downloaded:
  • iCasket - plan your own funeral as iCasket sources the best deals on funeral plots, mourners, cremation services and even discount (or second-hand) coffins.
  • iTattoo Removal - upload a picture of yourself and use the app to erase any body art. see how good you would have looked if you hadn't gotten drunk and inked yourself at Panama Beach your sophomore year.
  • iStalker - randomly selects a new celebrity daily and sends them text messages on your behalf declaring your undying love, how you two are soul mates destined to be together and that if you can't have them no one will. Application is disable once the Restraining Order is activated.
  • iVegan - Upon entry into Mickey D's, KFC, Burger King etc., the voice of Charlize Theron screams "Meat is Murder! Meat is Murder!" until you leave the restaurant.
  • iKevin Bacon - Facial recognition feature captures the image of anyone who calls you and identifies how many degrees of separation are between that person and Kevin Bacon. If the steps are six or fewer, your call minutes are credited back to your account.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Who Helps The Planet? Dogs & Jeans That's Who!

Post Number 2 for today's Challenge to Ashton Kutcher to gather 100 new Blogger followers first:

What I Did For Earth Day...
By Trooper Thorn
Age 42

Today for Earth Day I tried to do at least one thing for each of the Three R's of Conservation: Reduce, Re-use, Recycle. It wasn't easy, but I think I did my part to help the planet.
  1. Reduce - I did not print any agendas, minutes or issue logs for any meetings I attended today. I was completely unprepared to discuss anything, and had to make up a bunch of stuff, but nobody seemed to notice.

  2. Re-use - At several times today I repeated things to my kids that my parents had said to me including: "Am I talking just to hear my own voice?", "Don't make me come up there!" and the always appropriate "Because I said so!"

  3. Recycle - In lieu of coming up with anything original to post today, here is a forward I received that is pretty funny. No point in wasting all that harmful computer fluid making up something new. Here it is:

Happy Earth Day Hollywood

Day Number Three into my challenge to gain 100 new Blogger Followers before Ashton Kutcher. Only 93 more to go before UNICEF gets their $100. So sign up all your friends and relatives to follow Dogs & Jeans.

Here is Funny Post Number 1 for today:

Unless you are too distracted by civil war, famine, the economic crisis or male pattern baldness, you are probably celebrating Earth Day. Of course, Earth Day is not just another excuse to skip work and spend the afternoon drinking in your underpants. It is a serious time of reflection on how we can be better stewards of our home planet. And what better role models are there for how to embrace this event than Hollywood Celebrities. Let's take a peak at their Earth Day pastimes...

Ben Affleck: Sacrifice another goat on the alter of Ra the Sun God to give thanks for his career and marriage to Jennifer Garner when he clearly has no talent whatsoever.

Jay-Z: Will sink a yacht in the Mediterranean to protest conspicuous consumption. Plans to buy a new yacht in May. This one will have the full sized bowling alley instead of the poor man's 3/4 sized one.

Paris Hilton: Will eat some earth.

Michael Jackson: Will attend a tree planting ceremony with a local Cub Scout pack. After an 18 hour search the three missing Cub Scouts will be located but with no memory of what happened during their disappearance.

Barry Bonds: Will testify before a Congressional Committee on the Environment that he had no knowledge of consuming any carbon, only that his trainer had recommended a charcoal based skin treatment to reduce muscle soreness.

Madonna & Angelina Jolie: Will draw attention to the Second R of Conservation, Re-use, when they agree to jointly share parenting responsibility for the Octomom's 14 children.

George Clooney: Will reduce his consumption of 20-something cocktail waitresses by remaining monogamous (for today).

Megan Fox: Will stay home, thereby reduce the millions of kilowatts consumed by computers when people post and email 100's of photographs of her cleavage every time she leaves the gym, nail salon, laundromat or corner store.

Simon Cowell: Has already done his part by recycling Paula Abdul into Karen Whatshername.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

There's Never an Old Wife Around When You Need One

Post Number Two for today, as part of the ongoing effort to beat Ashton Kutcher to 100 new blog followers. Remember to get out there and encourage people sign up to Dogs & Jeans and help out UNICEF.

Every day we find ourselves repeating old expressions, often without thinking. However, many of the trite sayings have lost their meaning in today's digital, instant messaging, 24 hour entertainment/news world. Dogs & Jeans present some updates to those old cliches:

If at first you don't succeed...keep trying different passwords until you can log onto your girlfriend's Facebook account.

Good things come to those who...are in witness protection.

A bird in the hand...gets crap all over your new designer diver's watch you bough on eBay.

A stitch in necessary if you buy 3 shirts for $5 from Old Navy.

Let a smile be your...federal bailout package.

Nothing succeeds like...performance enhancing drugs.

Don't rock the boat...because the Somali pirates might see us.

You can lead a horse to water but...the city council will issue a $175 fine for having livestock in an urban area.

The One Where "Tall in the Saddle" Has a Whole New Meaning

There has been radio silence from the Ashton Kutcher camp to my challenge to gain 100 new Blogger followers (with the winner to donate $100 dollars to UNICEF). I can only assume he is gathering his PR forces and the onslaught is imminent.

In the meantime, Dogs & Jeans welcomes 5 new followers; 95 more to go. Sign up today. Tell your friends there are 2 new posts here everyday until we reach the goal.

In the news today, a Florida lottery winner plans to take his $3.3 million dollars and open a nude dude ranch. Anyone who has ever ridden a horse clothed can understand what a terrible idea this is. However, Trooper would rather light a candle than curse your darkness and so offers Mr. Clements some marketing slogans to drum up business:
  • The Nude Dude Ranch - We're Nude Dude!
  • You don't get saddle sores when you're the saddle
  • Ride Naked
  • Home of the Sunburned Kid
  • The original bareback
  • Real men wear cowboy hats - and nothin' else
  • 'Brokeback Mountain' was never like this!
  • Where men are men, and the women can openly judge them

Monday, April 20, 2009

Iran, Iran So Far Away...

Delegates walked out of the UN Security Counsel during a speech by Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejadat today. Dozens of envoys left as a protest to Iran's president's comments that Israel is genocidal and has "racist government".

England's ambassador to the UN, Sir Alistair Smithson Eton-Upon-Tyne, claimed "It was't just his offensive anti-semitism, that upset us all. The man is clearly insane."

Other incendiary comments made by Ahmadinejadat included:
  • Man is not alone in the Universe, but might as well be because the aliens have stopped returning his phone calls
  • Within a generation, a fundamentalist Islamic state will be established in North America. However, this state will be exactly the same as the current one in every way except for the font on all street signs will be in italics
  • The Chicago Cubs will win the World Series this year
  • Sarah Palin is stalking him, and just last week stole his dry cleaning.
  • "Joanie Loves Chachi" was the pinnacle of American television
  • The best falafel in New York is at Mohammed's Cafe at 83rd and Lexington (when everyone knows the best falafel is from Achmed's cart at the base of the steps at the NY Public Library's main branch)
  • Every summer since they were boys, he and VP Joe Biden have spent a week fishing in Minnesota
  • Islamic martyrs do not actually have 100 virgins waiting for them in heaven, but they do get to observe the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit photo shoots.
  • Michael Jackson will be the King of Pop again.
So Ashton Kutcher has beaten CNN to one million Twitter followers and Oprah has also joined the hunt. Big deal. Twitter follower counts are like Publishers' Clearinghouse prizes: there may be a lot of zeros after the digit, but you can't cash it at the bank for anything. (insert you own joke here about Ashton's followers being zeros themselves)

The subscriber number that really matters is the Blogger count. Posting to Blogger (or WordPress) requires much more than a brief "in the parking lot" or "out of toilet paper" text. Furthermore, the Blogger followers have to make the effort to go and read the posting.

That being said, I'm throwing down the gauntlet to Ashton myself to gather 100 new Blogger followers in the next 30 days. Starting today, Trooper Thorn will post something funny twice a day until Dogs & Jeans has 128 followers. I even agree not to post anything about Demi Moore, since that seems to be Ashton's topic of choice.

If I win, I'll donate $100 (Canadian) to UNICEF.

So here's post number 1 for today:

Which Matthew McConaughey Movie Poster is Real? (With thanks to Crack'd magazine)

Every Matthew McConaughey movie is pretty much the same: He's a cool, laid back bartender, junior ad guy or adventurer; she's an uptight lawyer, caterer or substitute teacher. They don't get along. He takes his shirt off a few times and they fall in love. The End.

Can you tell which movie is the real one? Submit your own poster ( and I'll put them up later this week.

Real or Fake?

Real or Fake?

Real or Fake?

Real or Fake?

Real or Fake?

Real or Fake?*
* trick question. It's actually a real movie but the poster has been altered to protect the innocent.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Heidi Klum's Unborn Baby Already Twittering

Ashton Kutcher has beaten CNN in the race to gather one million twitter followers! While you all catch your collective breath from this shocking news development, here are some other pointless competitions no one should care about either:
  • Britney Spears consumes more Ramen noodles than the Keebler Elves
  • Seattle’s Space Needle has move annual visitors than the number of Grey’s Anatomy viewers
  • Hugh Jackman’s collection of commemorative Golden Girls plates from the Franklin Mint is larger than the Tampa Community Public Library system’s collection.
  • “American Idol” beats “Deal or No Deal” to be the first TV program to significantly improve viewers’ ability to predict tornados
  • New Yankee Stadium has highest cost for substandard hotdogs in Major League Baseball
  • Barak Obama receives more home shopping catalogues than George Clooney
  • Iran has more bowling alleys that Bangladesh
  • The NBA Playoffs to begin on Saturday

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Searchin' in the sun for another overload

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been doing some ramblin’. Trying to find my place in this crazy world. Just head out on the open road with nothing expected of a man and nothing to accomplish but to get a little farther down that lonesome highway.

And when a fellah sets his sights on going nowhere fast, nothing accompanies him better than Jimmy Webb’s classic 1968 American song “Wichita Lineman.”

Now, everyone is familiar with the original hit recorded by Glen Campbell. However, a search on YouTube will bring up some of the following versions sure to compliment any mood you are in:

And finally the Blow Your Brains Out Dance Version by some douchebag.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Drunk Wakes and Poop Mail

Some actual odd news items of the day:

Wisconsin hopes to protect kids from nutty squirrels
Lawmakers in Madison are hoping to ban feeding of squirrels is public parks to reduce the risk of contacting children with peanut allergies.. If your kid is being attacked and bitten by squirrels, whether the same squirrels have been eating peanuts recently might be the least of your problems.

Woman with beer can in hand starts brawl at wake
A Texas woman faces several charges after starting a fight in an Arkansas funeral home. Where’s Jeff Foxworthy when you need him? I can’t remember the last time I got drunk and took a swing at someone while burying a family member, but I usually black out at reunions anyway.

Employee flips and damages boss’s Ferrari
The California Highway Patrol said a 23-year-old woman driving an expensive Ferrari borrowed from her boss flipped it after taking a curve too fast, causing an estimated $125,000 in damage. Here’s one case where not getting your bonus this year can be blamed on the economy.

Man fined for mailing animal feces on citation
A federal judge sentenced a Sioux Falls man to probation, a fine and restitution for sending a letter containing animal feces in the mail. Jeffrey Dezeeuw, 45, pleaded guilty to a count of mailing injurious articles. Prosecutors said he smeared the excrement on a traffic citation, a note and cash that he sent to the Minnehaha County Clerk of Courts on July 21. Dezeeuw was sentenced to three years of probation, a $500 fine and ordered to pay restitution of $451.
No one thought it was curios Dezeeuw went immediately to the washroom after receiving the paperwork to mail in.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

The Creepy Organ Music is Not the Only Way to Know You Are Reading FoxNews Online

Fox News Online: The New Platform for Promoting Ignorance and Insanity.

This week Fox News announced their launch of an electronic news/blog service featuring all their popular columnists. As navigation on the Internet is not completely reliable, many people may find themselves accidentally surfing over to a Fox News Online page and be unaware that what there are reading is not actual news but an unorganized mental vomit of paranoia, misinformation and bigotry.

If you find yourself reading one of the following (or similar) articles, you have stumbled across FoxNews Online and need to quickly click back to your home page or Google.
  • "Sean Hannity: Stabbing or Shooting - How Jesus would Kill a Terrorist"
  • “Bill O’Reilly Denies the Obvious”
  • “10 Reasons Why Obama Stinks” by Andrea Tantaros
  • “Greg Gutfield: Why I hate Luxembourg”
  • “Karl Rove: Me and Satan, The Bromance Continues”
  • “Gay Bashing and Other Pastimes" by Matt Sanchez
  • “Anne Coulter: Re-animate the Dead to Do Your Bidding, and other Household Tips”