Every year, countless hours are given over to selecting teams to progress through the NCAA Basketball Tournament in pools across America. This results in significant lost workplace productivity, marital breakdowns, drug and alcohol abuse and the occasional untimely death at the hands of a rampant ACC mascot.
While the experts will have you evaluate elements like ranking, conference schedule, coaching experience and injuries, these do nothing more than cloud the mind of the average sports fan. Worse, they turn the annoying sports Know-it-All into a non-stop statistic spigot who won’t shut up about how the strengths of Villanova’s zone coverage will hold up against Duke’s seniors when they meet in the Sweet 16. Ironically, he’ll be beaten by Daphne in Accounts Receivable who made all her picks based on which teams uniforms were the same colors as the eyes of her cats.
So in the interest of saving time (so people can focus on getting the economy going again), here’s Dog & Jeans’ 15 Minute Bracket System:
Round 1: Pick every high seed to beat the lower seed except for the 4/13, 5/12, and 6/11 match up. For these pick the upset if the lower seed team’s mascot is any type of animal. For example, take Wisconsin to beat Florida State.
Round 2: You need a Cinderella Story, but only one. Keep all your high picks, but select one of your 12 and 13 seeded teams to move on. Pick a school you’ve never heard, has a mascot who is some type of foam-enhanced humanoid or has the letter “X” or “Q” in it’s name.
Round 3: Kill Cinderella. Who are you kidding? You thought the Akron Zips were going to best the Tar Heels? There’s a reason they seed this thing!
Elite Eight: Fun’s over. One Versus Two. Got it? Pitt vs. Duke, UNC vs. Oklahoma etc.
Final Four: Coffee break is almost over so you need to be fast. Pick two Number One’s to hold and two Number Two’s to beat. If the game is being played within 500 miles of any Number Two’s home, or if a Number Two suffered a Natural Disaster that made the news within the last 6 months, go with them.
Finals: Flip a coin and get back to work.
Only five more months until College Football starts anyway!!