Tuesday, March 17, 2009

How to Fill Out Your March Madness Bracket

Every year, countless hours are given over to selecting teams to progress through the NCAA Basketball Tournament in pools across America. This results in significant lost workplace productivity, marital breakdowns, drug and alcohol abuse and the occasional untimely death at the hands of a rampant ACC mascot.

While the experts will have you evaluate elements like ranking, conference schedule, coaching experience and injuries, these do nothing more than cloud the mind of the average sports fan. Worse, they turn the annoying sports Know-it-All into a non-stop statistic spigot who won’t shut up about how the strengths of Villanova’s zone coverage will hold up against Duke’s seniors when they meet in the Sweet 16. Ironically, he’ll be beaten by Daphne in Accounts Receivable who made all her picks based on which teams uniforms were the same colors as the eyes of her cats.

So in the interest of saving time (so people can focus on getting the economy going again), here’s Dog & Jeans’ 15 Minute Bracket System:

Round 1: Pick every high seed to beat the lower seed except for the 4/13, 5/12, and 6/11 match up. For these pick the upset if the lower seed team’s mascot is any type of animal. For example, take Wisconsin to beat Florida State.

Round 2: You need a Cinderella Story, but only one. Keep all your high picks, but select one of your 12 and 13 seeded teams to move on. Pick a school you’ve never heard, has a mascot who is some type of foam-enhanced humanoid or has the letter “X” or “Q” in it’s name.

Round 3: Kill Cinderella. Who are you kidding? You thought the Akron Zips were going to best the Tar Heels? There’s a reason they seed this thing!

Elite Eight: Fun’s over. One Versus Two. Got it? Pitt vs. Duke, UNC vs. Oklahoma etc.

Final Four: Coffee break is almost over so you need to be fast. Pick two Number One’s to hold and two Number Two’s to beat. If the game is being played within 500 miles of any Number Two’s home, or if a Number Two suffered a Natural Disaster that made the news within the last 6 months, go with them.

Finals: Flip a coin and get back to work.

Only five more months until College Football starts anyway!!

13 comments:

Cocotte said...

Speaking as an alumni of Akron U, Zippy is THE BEST MASCOT in the nation and will therefore trounce his bigass tail all over the competition and will prevail.

Just so you know......

Hubman said...

I gotta fill out my bracket for work tonight. I just might have to go with this method!

What the heck, it's only $5...

Trooper Thorn said...

Cocette: Way to be true to your school!

Hubman: That's the spirit!

Swirl Girl said...

this year Hubby is doing a $5 pool. He used to do a really big money one...but Maddof's been 'tied up' of late and....

Wep said...

Yeah I once picked Gonzagna to get to the third round because I like that kind of cheese.

Vodka Mom said...

can I just say Go Pitt?? CAN I????

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

This has something to do with basketball, right?

Morgan the Muse said...

Since I have no clue about March Madness, and only know three pointers and free throws, that whole thing just went over my head. But I am sure it was all very sarcastic, as usual.

Captain Dumbass said...

I love the excitement of March Madness, but basketball just doesn't do it for me. Aside from the last 15 minutes of the fourth quarter... meh.

A Free Man said...

"Only five more months until College Football starts anyway!!"

Thank the baby jesus for that.

Trooper Thorn said...

Swirl Girl: And the Madoff net got bigger today too. Who would have thought his accountant was in on it?!?!

Wep: This year you can pick Chattanooga because you like the candy bar.

Vodka Mom: I hope you can say it since the phrase contains only two syllables with hard consonants. Otherwise, I'd fear you had suffered a stroke.

Juggling Jenn: Don't pretend you don't know. If you can follow water polo, you can follow basketball for three weeks.

Musing Morgan: All you need to do is watch the last two minutes anyway.

Captain Dumbass: Well, it's no Stanley Cup Playoff, that's for sure.

Free Man: I'm counting the days too.

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