Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Fox News: At least it doesn't waste trees on printing

After yesterday’s post about the shocking Anti-Canadian statements made on Fox News, many people commented here showing their support for Canada’s military and their condemnation of Fox News. I knew Fox News in no way represented the viewpoints of real Americans, but I grew curious about this Fox News. Was this really just a one time error of judgement, or does the news outlet really give a ridiculously biased slant on news the point of it being “fiction in the worst of taste.”

A little research into coverage of news stories on Fox News over the past six months has been very revealing. Dogs & Jeans presents the findings by which you can draw your own conclusions:

Event: Michael Phelps wins Record 8 Olympic Medals
Fox News Coverage: "Freak Phelps Flies in Beijing. Is Michael Phelps’ Autism a competitive advantage in such a boring sport. Should he be forced to compete in the Special Olympics?"

Event: John McCain Accepts Party Nomination at Republican Convention
Fox News Coverage: "Hurricane Gustav Disrputs Opening of GOP Convention.
Democratic Party perfecting weather machine. Is anyone safe from their tyranny now?"

Event: Connecticut Legalizes Gay Marriage
Fox News Coverage: "Sodom and Gomorrah in New England! Gay Marriage today, bestiality tomorrow. Where will the wrath of God strike and will you be ready?"

Event: Dow Plunges Amid Report That Economy Is in Recession
Fox New Coverage: "Economic Crisis Puts McCain Election at Risk. Democrats and Jews conspire to take over the government. Is it too late to stop them?"

Event: Barack Obama Is Sworn is as President
Fox News Coverage: "A Black Man in the White House? Yes, that play on words was intentional. We studied journalism too you know. What do you mean there’s no such thing as a home schooled journalism degree?"

All in all, Fox News saying that Canadian soldiers would rather practice yoga than fight is not out of character for this bunch.

Monday, March 23, 2009

How to Lose Friends and Alienate Countries

Nothing funny today

Early this morning, on Fox TV’s “Red Eye” program, commentators and pundits ridiculed an interview with Canada’s Chief of Defence who described how the Canadian military would require a year hiatus after the current commitment in Afghanistan in complete in 2011. This time would be required to repair equipment and restore personnel stretched past the breaking point since 2002.

The Fox panellists said the rest was necessary for Canadian soldiers to receive “manicures and pedicures” while another expressed shock that our military was overseas at all. The moderator suggested that this would be the perfect time to invade this “ridiculous country” since we had no army while soldiers were taking a breather to “do some yoga, paint landscapes, run on the beach in gorgeous white capri pants.” Such ignorance is particularly insulting as news was released of four more Canadian casualties due to roadside bombings in and around Kandahar.

Before this post comes off as “America Bashing”, let me remind readers of my numerous posts praising the United States and it’s citizens. As a proud Canadian, I am a fervent US supporter and firmly believe it is the that does the most good in the world.

Perhaps it is due to a lack of publicity that such a low opinion of Canada’s commitment to the war on terrorism and international peacekeeping that have allowed this kind of ignorance to flourish. Certainly Canada is never been a nation to be criticized for overt patriotism. However, it might be worthwhile to remind our neighbours to the north that, what we lack in size, we more than make up for in dedication and sacrifice.

  • 62,000 full time military staff, 26,000 reservists (Canadian population is only 33.5 million)

  • Canada maintains a force of 2,500 troops in and around Kandahar

  • Since 2002 Canada has lost 116 service people in Afghanistan

  • Despite not publicly committing to the campaign, Canada’s navy serves in the Arabian Sea providing support to the US in Iraq

  • Canada’s NATO and UN Peacekeeping service currently includes the Balkans, Sudan, the Congo, Cyprus and multiple hot spots in the Middle East

For more information on Canada’s military and it’s overseas missions, see the Department of National Defence website.

I urge any readers of Dog & Jeans to contact Fox News and remind them that Canada is an ally and a friend that can be counted on. Canadian solders, sailors, and pilots deserve more.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Did Hell Freeze Over?

Common sense runs amok in the news today:
  • AIG asks execs to return bonuses - Really? You mean the company that took billions of dollars in federal bail out money rewarded the the idiots in charge with hundreds of thousands of dollars? Weren't these the people who made the decisions that took the company to the brink of extinction instead of actually making it profitable. I would have thought a bonus was given only for good performance. Giving these idiots additional pay for a job badly done is like sentencing a paedophile to serve time in Disneyland. What are the chances they can even get the money back now that it has likely all been spent on magic beans and invisible clothes?
  • Chris Brown and Rhainna taking a break: The Rule of Thumb is if your no good celebrity (?) boyfriend beats you, you wait at least a month before going back for more. Good on Rhianna's people to have her cool her jets for at least another week. In the meantime maybe she will come to her senses and understand she can do better. And maybe a piano will fall on him and solve the problem permanently.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

How to Fill Out Your March Madness Bracket

Every year, countless hours are given over to selecting teams to progress through the NCAA Basketball Tournament in pools across America. This results in significant lost workplace productivity, marital breakdowns, drug and alcohol abuse and the occasional untimely death at the hands of a rampant ACC mascot.

While the experts will have you evaluate elements like ranking, conference schedule, coaching experience and injuries, these do nothing more than cloud the mind of the average sports fan. Worse, they turn the annoying sports Know-it-All into a non-stop statistic spigot who won’t shut up about how the strengths of Villanova’s zone coverage will hold up against Duke’s seniors when they meet in the Sweet 16. Ironically, he’ll be beaten by Daphne in Accounts Receivable who made all her picks based on which teams uniforms were the same colors as the eyes of her cats.

So in the interest of saving time (so people can focus on getting the economy going again), here’s Dog & Jeans’ 15 Minute Bracket System:

Round 1: Pick every high seed to beat the lower seed except for the 4/13, 5/12, and 6/11 match up. For these pick the upset if the lower seed team’s mascot is any type of animal. For example, take Wisconsin to beat Florida State.

Round 2: You need a Cinderella Story, but only one. Keep all your high picks, but select one of your 12 and 13 seeded teams to move on. Pick a school you’ve never heard, has a mascot who is some type of foam-enhanced humanoid or has the letter “X” or “Q” in it’s name.

Round 3: Kill Cinderella. Who are you kidding? You thought the Akron Zips were going to best the Tar Heels? There’s a reason they seed this thing!

Elite Eight: Fun’s over. One Versus Two. Got it? Pitt vs. Duke, UNC vs. Oklahoma etc.

Final Four: Coffee break is almost over so you need to be fast. Pick two Number One’s to hold and two Number Two’s to beat. If the game is being played within 500 miles of any Number Two’s home, or if a Number Two suffered a Natural Disaster that made the news within the last 6 months, go with them.

Finals: Flip a coin and get back to work.

Only five more months until College Football starts anyway!!

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Can Oprah Save Chris Brown?

On today’s Oprah Show, the audience had a chance to chime in on what should happen to Chris Brown to punish him for his abuse of Rhianna. Some of the suggestions were edited from the show, but Dog & Jeans is happy to bring them to you in hopes of improving the dialogue.

“I think Chris Brown should have to go through the assembly line at the GM plant and have his testicles pulled off by the robot arms. Then another robot can install a car alarm where one testicle was and a cigarette lighter in the other hole. ”

“Oprah, that boy rapper ought to be stripped naked and dropped off at the South Pole and forced to march 100 miles to get food while being attacked by penguins. And Morgan Freeman can narrate the whole thing. That’s right!”

“You know that dog killer Michael Vick? He got all those dogs that’s starving and they should put dog food all over Chris Brown’s pecker and let those dogs at him!”

“Chris Brown should be brought here to Chicago and he should be the ball at batting practice for the Cubs. Then send him to the Yankees and the Giants. But don’t send him to St. Louis because the Cardinals would only kiss him. Cubs Rule!!!”

“Do they still have cock fighting Oprah? ‘Cause if they do, that little fu**er should have to referee a whole night of it, in the ring with no pants on!”

“I just have two words for Chris Brown, Oprah: Women’s Prison!”

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Can Madoff Stay Clean While Avoiding the Prison Showers?

Bernie Madoff will likely plead guilty to 11 felony fraud counts which could earn him up to 150 years in prison. Here are the Top Ten Ways the 70 year old can pass the time (for the rest of his life):
  1. Read every book on Oprah’s Book Club, no matter how depressing and heavy-handed.
  2. Hit the weight room hard and GET PUMPED!!
  3. Finally have some time to find out who the real Bernie Madoff is.
  4. Hold the prison’s own version of American Idol. Use different wigs to play the parts of Simon, Randy and Paula yourself.
  5. Restore a very tiny vintage car (due to space constraints)
  6. Write that screenplay about two mis-matched college roommates who get into all sorts of mischief but learn the value of friendship in the end.
  7. Try to forget what a woman smells like
  8. Form an alt-rock band and go on tour to the other cell blocks.
  9. Focus on outliving at least the next seven wardens.
  10. Invest the other inmates cigarettes in a tobacco pyramid scheme. Smoke them all. Die of cancer in six months.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Break-Up Myth Busters

Everyone gets dumped. Sometimes you can feel it heading for you a month or so before, and on rare occasions getting dumped is even a relief. Usually, however, it’s a kick in the crotch you never saw coming and your world gets turned upside down worse than a discount carnival ride in the Walmart parking lot.

If you have friends, and they have had enough of your moping around, you are bound to get plenty of well intentioned advice. Although considering they say it only to make themselves feel better about being helpful, it’s not really that well intentioned. But is it really good advice? Let’s put some tired, old mend-a-broken-heart clichés to the test:

“You can’t get over someone until you are with someone else.”
False. This expression might be interpreted as stepping back up to the plate for another shot at love, or maybe it’s good old fashioned revenge sex. However, looking for someone else to make you happy only results in baggage. You bring the hurt of a past relationship into an unhealthy new one, and both of you develop serious eating disorders to cover up the fact that you not right for each other but get married anyway because you can't stand the thought of being alone. But I'm just guessing...

“You are better off.”
True. Sure it may not seem like it now as you are loafing around your apartment eating ice cream or nursing a massive hangover, but think of the pros; you can watch whatever you want on TV, no more making small talk with your ex’s idiot friends and, unless you work in a crowded environment, bathing is now optional.

“I’ll bet there are lot’s of guys/girls out there who’d be happy to date you.”
True, but do you want to date them? Just because the football stadium concession offers tons of ‘food’ for sale, doesn’t mean you need to stuff yourself on corn dogs, pizza pretzels and candy floss. You were (hopefully) selective enough not to date million losers before you got into that last relationship, so don’t go all crazy now and lose any sense of discrimination. Have some patience; there is someone for everyone. Even fantasy role play gamers.

“He/She was a loser.”
Also true but a real Catch-22. If you agree, then what’s wrong with you that you would stay so long in the relationship. However, if you disagree, then you must be an even bigger loser for being dumped by a loser like your ex. Best to ignore the comment and move on to…

“We’re going out!”
Absolutely! Nothing like a good intervention to help put a few nails in the coffin of an old relationship. Your girlfriends will take you clubbing and get you drunk enough to make some very bad decisions, or your buddies will take you to see strippers and get you drunk enough to make some bad decisions. If the friends are lucky, the girl in the first scenario meets up with the guy in the second later in the night and there are some really, really sloppy make-out pictures on the Internet the next day. After all, why does it have to be about you all the time? Sheesh.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Unpleasant Drinking Side Effect

Sorry Bloggy Readers, but I have been tied up with actual work-related commitments this week and been unable to meet my (more pleasurable) writing commitments.

As this is Friday, and many of you will be looking forward to celebrating a fine late winter/early spring weekend, I pass on this cautionary tale:

James, as usual, came home really late one Saturday night after being at the bar all night drinking. Not only was he drunk, he was sloppy drunk. He carefully crept into bed next his wife, who fell sleep angry hours earlier, and gave her a goodnight kiss on the check in hopes that she wouldn’t wake up.
He awoke in the middle of the night to a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. “Who the hell are you,” demanded James, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”
The mysterious man answered “This is not your bedroom, and my name is St. Peter”.
James didn’t take the news so well… “You mean I’m dead! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t even said goodbye to my family… you’ve got to send me back right away!”
St. Peter replied “You cannot go back as you were, you have passed away James. However, you can be reincarnated - but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.”
James was devastated, but knowing that there was a farm just down the road from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking at corn on the ground. “This ain’t so bad,” he thought until he felt a strange feeling churning inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, huh? How are you enjoying your first day here?”
“It’s not so bad” replies James, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”.
“You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “haven’t you ever laid an egg before?”
“Never” replies James.
“Well just relax and let it happen.”
And so he did, and just a few uncomfortable seconds later an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him - emotions got the better of him as he experienced the joy motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him… ever!
The joy of motherhood continued to build and, just as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shout “James, wake up you drunken bastard, you’re shitting the bed!”
So if you must drink, don't agree to reincarnation before sobering up!