Tuesday, September 30, 2008

How Smart is Trooper?

Or better yet, how much fancy book learnin' has he had?

I am busy preparing for the Vice Presidential debates on Thursday (you wouldn't belive the rules - I can't ask either Palin or Biden if they swallow) so this posting will not be original.

I copied this list from my Mississippi Muse Mama Dawg yesterday and was shocked to see how many notable Literary Great Books I still have to read. Even more shocking was the number of great books not on the list. There is no way Dan Brown should be on any list that excludes Roberston Davies, W.O. Mitchell, Margaret Lawrence or Graham Greene.

You can use it yourself if you like. Indicate with bold font if you read it, color it if you loved it, and italicize books you plan to read. Good Luck!

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 The Bible (I've read bits and pieces but not enough to say I've read it. I think there is apart in the Bible that says God frowns on lies anyway)
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell – I have tried several times and get frustrated with the unquestioning, sheep like behavior of the society. I prefer Brave New World for this type of future world literature.
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy - I saw the movie featuring my 1980's crush Nastassia Kinski though.
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller – Like 1984, I started and got frustrated with the idiocy of the situation.
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare – I have read lots, but not everything. I bet Will himself didn't read it all.
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger- Read it several times and each time I feel differently about Holden, but mostly that he is a punk.
19 The Time Traveler’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
7 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne - and associated poetry "When we were very young" & "Now we are 6"
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown – (There’s a week of my life I’ll never get back- sheesh)
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meany - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens - But I have seen "The Sale of Two Titties"
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac- Can I double underline this?
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding (The movie was better)
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce – I don’t get it. Tried three times and just don’ get the f’ing appeal.
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle – umm, I’ve read several stories but not all of them.
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

Monday, September 29, 2008

A Message from America’s Financial Institutions:

A hearty greeting to all of this nation’s Taxpayers, Borrowers and Consumers. Many of you out there have been struggling with crushing debt that was irresponsibly leant. The remainder of you who chose not to participate in the sub-prime experiment are also paying a heavy price as our entire economy staggers to it’s knees under the crushing load of debt and bankruptcy. America’s financial institutions have a simple message for you: Don’t Worry.

That’s right Smalltown USA. Don’t worry about us, we’ll be fine. Despite Congress’s decision not to support President Bush’s Bailout Plan, most executives and managers in banks and investment firms have very healthy retirement funds with well diversified portfolios. We will weather the storm. Thank you for your concern.

As for the rest of Americans not fortunate enough to pull in seven figure incomes plus bonuses in the millions (which are not actually based on meeting corporate targets, just a ‘vesting’ scale based on the number of years you can remain married to the CEO’s homely daughter without word of your numerous affairs with cabana boys being leaked to the shareholders), we offer these handy “belt tightening’ tips:

  • Coffee filters (and by extension tea bags) are good for more than one brew. With a good rinse, that puppy is ready for another pot!
  • Cut down on your heating bills this winter by using duct tape as an inexpensive caulk for windows, door jambs and bullet holes. Don’t be afraid to use a few extra wraps to seal up burst pipes when your apartment freezes.
  • Make use of that spare room by taking in a tenant. Bus stations are great spots to find a recovering addict, mentally ill vagrant or a pedophile on a work release who is looking for a home.
  • When driving, look for downhill slopes where you can cut the engine and ‘coast’ to your destination. You’ll improve your fuel economy, help the environment, and let’s face it, you’ll have more fun!
  • The Homemade Coupon Book makes a great gift not only for Mother’s Day but also for weddings, graduations and IRS auditors.
  • Polygamy may be illegal, but it makes great economic sense to have more people living under one roof, sharing the household duties. So lobby your local elected representatives to repeal the law. Over 300,000 Mormons can’t be wrong.
  • Grow your own vegetables and reduce your grocery bill. If you don’t have yard, or used to have one until the bank foreclosed on your house and forced you on to the street, local park boards are becoming more lenient with small plots of carrots and potatoes being grown in city green spaces (as long as you dig in up under the cover of night).
  • Save on laundry detergent by implementing Naked Wednesday at your workplace. It can be a great teambuilding exercise and will increase productivity too (or course it can severely decrease productivity depending on the hotness of your co-workers).

We hope these handy tips help pull you through this tough time America. Remember, we are all in this together (except for the executives of the big firms we mentioned before who are so wealthy that nothing really affects them).

Monday, September 22, 2008

And the Winner is...

GreedyGrace is the winner of Trooper Thorn's Shot at Immortality for her submission on our confused Wal-Mart shopper. Go check out her entry in the comments section. Thanks to everyone who entered.

As promised, here is her idea (as expressed by me) which will be a scene in the screenplay I am currently writing: Double Cross My Heart, the story of Allison Barnet, a 40-something B-list actress who gets caught up in a discrete dating service for Hollywood Celebrities which turns out not to be so discrete.

And of course, our GreedyGrace is the name of the Wal-Mart shopper.

INT. WAL-MART – DAY.
Allison Barnet is pushing her cart absently through the aisles. She hold her list in her left hand, but does not refer to it. She walks slowly up the house wares aisle, then down the snack food aisle, pausing occasionally but has yet to put anything into the cart.

Allison approaches the pharmacy section and stops. There is a pony-tailed woman in her mid-twenties standing near “family planning”. This GRACE, the slightly wayward daughter of the headmaster of Allison’s boys private school.

Grace is wearing a short denim skirt, a men’s flannel shirt and work boots with no socks. She is standing with several items in her hands, and peeks out around the end of the aisle before ducking back in. Grace’s face is flushed and Allison can hear her MUTTERING to herself.

GRACE
I can’t believe how cute he is. Insanely
cute.
Grace takes another peek
GRACE (CONT’D)
I’m so stupid! Oh, why did I make that
hook up at Rumors last week?
ALLISON
Grace? Are you okay?
Grace is startled and drops all her items to the floor.
GRACE
Shit! Hi Mrs. Barnet.
Grace drops down to pick things up .
GRACE (CONT’D)
I’m so clumsy. I don’t know what’s gotten into me?
ALLISON
Here, let me help
Allison begins to pick thing up.
ALLISON (CONT”D)
And please, call me Allison.
What’s with all this stuff?
In her hands see sees several varieties of home pregnancy tests, and a couple of packages of different condoms.
Grace turns a deeper shade of red than she already was but does not answer.
ALLISON (CONT’D)
What are you up to Grace?
GRACE
That Price Checker or Stock Boy
or whatever they call them. The boy
over there…
Allison also peaks around the corner. She sees a very handsome young man in his mid-twenties, scanning detergent packed before putting them on the shelves.
ALLISON
I see. He is very handsome I’ll
admit.
GRACE
Handsome?! He’s a smoking hottie!
A stone cold fox!
ALLISON
If you say so, but why all the, uh
(she fumbles with the condoms and pregnancy tests)
Accessories?
GRACE
I’m so stupid. I met a guy a couple
of weeks ago and now I’m late, so…
ALLISON
So you came in to check if you were
pregnant?
GRACE
Right, only I see Mr. Wal-mart over
there And I’ve been wanting to talk to
him for SOOOO long. Only I don’t
want to start a conversation with this in
my basket. But I couldn’t decide what
condoms sent the right message.
ALLISON
Honey, the fact you think you might be
pregnant is all the message he’s going
to need to hope for getting some from
you before long. You don’t need the
rubbers to tell him the runway is open.
What you want to do is not let him think
it will too easy.
GRACE
How?
ALLISON
Mix it up. We women are nothing if we
don’t have a shroud of mystery.
Allison begins re-stacking the condoms on the shelves. In the middle of the aisle are some discount tables. She hands Grace a jar of “50% Off” baby food.
ALLISON (CONT’D)
Here, hide this in plain sight.
GRACE
Huh?
ALLISON
Make sure he sees the baby food
too. If he asks, tell him it’s for your
sister. Your older sister.
GRACE
Okay…
Allison begins to walk away but passes the magazine rack. She grabs a copy of “Bridal Wishes” and turns back to Grace.
ALLISON
Here, put this in too and I guarantee he
won’t ask you any questions about your
stuff at all.
GRACE
Gee, thanks Allison.
ALLISON
Don’t mention it, just call me the Wal-mart
Cupid.
Grace is about to step forward when she grabs Allison’s arm.
GRACE
Oh, My God! He’s my Random Hook-Up
from two weeks ago. I think. What do I do?
Allison takes back a package of condoms from the rack and hands the to Grace.
ALLISON
Cupid says use these this time.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Tidy Houses of the Visually Impared

Now that I am once again living with my old college roommate, I am finding the adage "Out of sight is out of mind" is alarmingly true. While we are both significantly cleaner and tidier that we were in our earlier twenties, we are still men. Full time management of a penis leaves only so much mental capacity for other trivialities like home economics.

I was pretty good at keeping things clean when I was on my own that last couple of years, but the two of us together just compound the other's cleaning fault of only attending to the things in plain view. For example:
  • The inside of the microwave is only messy when you happen to have it open to melt cheese on nacho chips. Once the door is closed again, the microwave is clean again.
  • Leaving the lid of the toilet seat down eliminates the need to scrub the bowl until the next time you happen to use it. The corollary is that standing up affords a better view of the need to clean, so I happen to do it more than when I was required to sit down to go Number 1.
  • Popcorn which falls on the floor and bounces under the couch no longer exists.
  • Everything in the closet is hanging neatly with nothing lying in a pile on the floor. Don't open the door to check, just take my word for it.
  • The dishwasher is a handy storage unit that requires operation only once a week, or when there are no longer any cereal bowls.

People who are blind must have absolutely immaculate homes.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Become Immortal in My First Contest

Dear Bloggy Readers of Dogs & Jeans:
For months now you have been giving and giving with your reads, awards and comments. I really appreciate all the support, especially for the screenplay reads (another episode of "The Guy Movie Guide to Business Success" goes up today). I'd like to give something back in the form of a contest.

Yesterday I had to go to Wal-Mart for a new backpack. In front of me at the register was a woman in her mid twenties. She appeared to be either in her first trimester of pregnancy, or was recently postpartum. She had three items to purchase:
  • a small jar of Gerber baby food,
  • a home pregnancy test, and
  • a bridal magazine

Being an idiot guy, I have no idea what the hell these seemingly contradictory purchases mean, but perhaps you all do.

So here's the contest: Write a short story to explain this and post it in the comments. I'll pick the best one and write it into a scene in my next screenplay and I'll use your name (or a name you prefer) as the character's to immortalize you (assuming I can ever get the dame thing produced). Sound like fun?

I'll announce the winner on Sunday Sept 21.

Monday, September 15, 2008

You Might Be a Parent...

You might be a parent if you have ever said:

  • "Get off your sister!" (and you are not a pornographic film director)

  • "Have two more bites and then you are done," (and you are not a orthodontics, oral surgeon or involved in the manufacturing of dental appliances in any way)

  • "You never listen! Do you think I talk just to hear my own voice?" (and you are neither a film sound technician or an educator for the hearing impaired)

  • "We don't wear pyjama's all day around here!" (and you are not a nurse in a mental facility)

  • "Around here we wear pyjama's to bed!" (and you are not a lingerie photographer)
  • "Don't put that in your mouth without washing it!" (and you are not a pornographic film director)

Thursday, September 11, 2008

So Goldilocks and Henry Ford Opened This Restaurant...

Danger Boy has an eating disorder. I know this is more common in girls, but not unknown in teenage boys. And like most eating disorders, his expression of it causes greater distress to the family who have to watch it that it does to him.

He exercises everyday, but not to a dangerous excess. He runs the dogs, does 100 push ups and 100 sit ups a day and uses the chip-up bar a moderate amount. Curiously, Danger Boy does not have any body image issues that normally accompany an eating disorder. In fact, he feels pretty good about the way he looks. He has no reservations about walking around the house naked to get clean underwear from the dryer, even with Whiney Girl around.

The problem is the way he eats his food is so weird, it drives me freaking nuts. Just like some of his other eccentricities like temper sensitivity and sexually indiscreet talk, his hang-ups about the process of dining border on obsessive compulsive and make me want to shake him. However, my frustration just makes him laugh at me, like the silly old man he thinks I am.

He has two main behaviors:

The Assembly Line:

Danger Boy will only eat one item from his plate at one time and will eat only that item until there are no more. Then he will move to the next item and devour only that item before moving on, and so on. Last night we had pork chops, broccoli and mashed potatoes that he ate in that order. There appears to be no correlation between his favorite items and what he picks to eat first either. Usually it is just proximity on the plate or the highest item that determines first choice.

I have tried to mess with his system by mixing things up: spaghetti and meatballs, chicken stir-fry, stew. He still makes the best effort to pick out all the chicken or all the potatoes or all the carrots and eat them first and finishing with only sauce or broth remaining.

The Three Bears:

As you recall, Goldilocks’ ursine counterparts existed in a world with no gradient. There were only three states of matter: Too Hot, Too Cold and Just Right. Danger Boy is the same way with any cooked food. Soups, stews and even oatmeal can only be consumed when it is in the “Just Right” state. The specifics of what qualifies as “Just Right” remain a secret known only to Danger Boy. Achieving “Just Right” takes some ingenuity and the window on the perfect condition is a narrow opening.

Over the years, Danger Boy has devised several methods of reducing “Too Hot” to “Just Right” which involve rapid cooling. Ice cubes are the current method of choice dropped into hot liquids. However, a few minutes in the freezer in the cooling method gaining in popularity with more viscous foods.

Regardless of the chilling method, Danger Boy loses all interest in the food item once it has moved from “Just Right” to “Too Cold”. The dogs are the current beneficiaries of this eating disorder.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Take Another Chance to Make it Big in Hollywood

Thank you to everyone who has read "Dialing Under the Influence". As of today there have been over 550 unique readers and plenty of helpful comments. I hope I can use the demonstrated support of the blogosphere in my next round of searching for a producer.

In the meantime, I hope you all enjoy the serialized version of my second screenplay: The Guy Movie Guide to Business Success or "How I learned to get ahead at the Cineplex". Part 1 is up today. Here's the basic story:

Whenever given the opportunity to make his mark, Jack Collins hesitates and lets others reap the rewards of taking risks. He is a software developer and should be a VP in his company but, at 31, has been passed over for promotion four times. Jack has had a total of two serious girlfriends and one fiancé who is contemplating calling it off after realizing they are engaged only because she asked him.

The one thing that gives Jack any pleasure has been a lifelong fascination with “Guy Movies”. He can recall each inmate’s crimes from The Dirty Dozen, quote Fistful of Dollars and knows the names of every astronaut in The Right Stuff. Despite his therapist’s advice to treat movies only as entertainment, Jack cannot get over his disappointment that real life is not like the movies.

Frustrated with the direction of her life, Jack’s girlfriend Danielle has given him an ultimatum: give up his obsession, get a promotion at work and set a date for the wedding or she’s out the door. When a misunderstanding makes him believe she is cheating on him, Jack’s world begins to spin and he blacks out.

Jack awakens in the hospital with no memory of how he got there. Panic begins to set in but rather than pass out again, Jack envisions himself as James Bond, about to be cut in two by Goldfinger’s laser. Without hesitation, he reacts as Bond, rips out his IV, bolts down the hallway and out of the hospital. On the street in his hospital gown, Jack imagines he is Steve McQueen fleeing Nazi’s on a motorcycle in The Great Escape. Jack grabs a nearby Vespa and races home, gown flapping behind him, eluding his fantasy pursuers.

From this point on, each time he experiences stress, the video machine in his head causes him to react to the situation as one of his Guy Movie heroes. Jack quickly becomes the fastest rising star at work, the funniest guy at any gathering and the object of affection for every woman, other than the one he really wants.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

NFL: Lions and Tigers and Bears

In celebration of the Return of the NFL this weekend, I am posting Collection of Random Thoughts about the teams. Dogs & Jeans Readers seemed to like this approach when I paid tribute to the 50 States on July 4th, so here's another peek inside the cabeza of Trooper Thorn.

Baltimore Ravens
I'm not that old, but the first word that follows 'Baltimore' to me is still 'Colts'. I know it's been a long time, they have won a Super Bowl and I should let it go. Baltimore even had a CFL team (the Stallions) during the short lived expansion of the Canadian league to the US. 'Baltimore Ravens' still seems weird.

Cincinnati Bengals
I have to give the team credit for trying a unique variation on Tiger. There are plenty of 'Tigers' out there. And Lions, and Panthers and Cougars. Even the CFL has the Hamilton Tiger-Cats; the qualifier is added just in case there was some confusion about the kind of animal the tiger is.

Cleveland Browns
Will someone let Brady Quinn play for crying out loud?!
2011 Update: Quinn was one of many in the revolving QB door in Cleveland, but may actually see some playing time in Denver this year.

Pittsburgh Steelers
That's Football to me. Win or lose, year after year, the Steelers represent the game to me. Franco Harris, The Bus, Bradshaw, Mean Joe Greene, The Steel Curtain, snowstorms at Three Rivers, Jack Ham.

Chicago Bears
Ditka and Da Bears; that SNL skit never gets old. It took me years to ask what "GSH" stood for on the jersey sleeve. Am I the only one that never wondered?

Detroit Lions
Second only to Chicago Cubs fans in pointless, marginally respectful dedication to a losing cause. In a league built on parity, how can Detroit be so lousy year after year? Could the Lions' GM maybe have lunch with the Red Wings' GM and get a few pointers on building a winner? Just a thought...
2011 Update: Hey, the Lions don't suck anymore!

Green Bay Packers
I hope you kick ass the in Post-Favre Era. What a lousy way to wreck a legacy. Geez Louise.
2011 Update: Brett who? Sorry, we can't hear you with this Superbowl Trophy!

Minnesota Vikings
More embarrassing revelations: For many years, I thought the horn on the side of helmet was just a stylish 'Swoosh'.

Houston Texans
Texans? Really? In this age or focus groups and marketing research, 'Texans' is the best you can come up with when naming the team? For a state steeped in history and legendary figures, all you did was look at a map. Cool logo though.

Indianapolis Colts
See 'Baltimore Ravens'

Jacksonville Jaguars
I can hear the moving trucks coming now...
2011 Update: See the dictionary for 'Tenacious'.

Tennessee Titans
It always seems like only their third year in the league. Does anyone else feel like that? And Vince Young? Step up! So you didn't win the Heisman. Maybe you should have or maybe you shouldn't have. Nobody cares now. Play the game like we all know you can.
2011 Update: Matt Hasselback and Jake Locker at QB? Amazing.

Atlanta Falcons
I always figured this was a team that should do something at some point, but I'm always disappointed. The Falcons are like ColdPlay: lots of promise, but the product never fully delivers.

Carolina Panthers
I don't know, does anyone care about the Panthers outside of Carolina?

New Orleans Saints
I think you may have only 2 more season's to win the Superbowl before you can't refer back to Katrina anymore for inspiration. So let's go. My heart's with you.
2009 Update: Nicely done Who-Dats, nicely done.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Best Cheerleaders in the NFL. Hands down. No contest. Hottest chicks in the sluttiest outfits. Don't bother emailing me about being a pig either. You readers know I'm shining a flashlight onto the dim recesses of my mind and not everything is sunshine and flowers in there.

Buffalo Bills
I grew up in Southern Ontario. The US news we got was Buffalo's WKBW Channel 7 Eyewitness News with Irv Weintsein. The show nearly always led with a story about a fire in North Tonawanda. Needless to say, the Bills were always the team all my friends and I knew the most about. That was back in the OJ days, of course, which is weird now.

Miami Dolphins
The purpose of a team mascot is to represent the winning nature of the team, to intimidate the opponent. Often the mascot is a predator or threatening weather condition. Now I'm not a doctor, but I'm not aware of any vicious nature that dolphins possess.

New England Patriots
I'm no hater, but The Pat's get enough coverage. Let's move on...

New York Jets
Does New York really need two teams? The Jets are like having one Mormon wife too many.

Dallas Cowboys
Two words: Bart Starr

New York Giants
I know Joe Montana has The Drive, but this was pretty damn sweet in 2008 too.

Philadelphia Eagles
Easily the toughest fans to play in front of. They even boo Santa Clause for not wearing Eagles Green.
2011 Update: Mike Vick. Boom or bust?

Washington Redskins
Now, I don't support the recent trend to re-brand teams whose nicknames are not PC, but I can understand how this one would be offensive. Can you imagine proposing this nickname for a team now? For than matter, can you imagine trying to introduce cigarettes into the marketplace today?

Denver Broncos
Blue and Orange together. Who would have thought that would work? Even John Elway looked good in that uniform.

Kansas City Chiefs
For years I just assumed the Chiefs played in Kansas. I just figured my Dad was pulling my leg when he said Kansas City was in Missouri. I know that isn't a football comment, but maybe it helps explain why I have so many issues, even more than my opinion about the Buc's cheerleaders does.

Oakland Raiders
I love watching Raiders games simply because the crowd always looks like rejected extras from Mad Max.

San Diego Chargers
LT and Sean Merriman on the same team and no Super Bowl appearance? C'mon!

Arizona Cardinals
Unlike the Colts in Indianapolis, I no longer associate the Cardinals with St. Louis, which is odd because the St. Louis Cardinals of MLB would have a built-in confusion in my mind. See? I know I need further therapy.

San Fransisco 49's
Back in college, I had a friend who had a 49's cap he would pull out an wear only when the Niners were in a playoff run. The rest of the year, he never mentioned the team once. That always bugged me.

Seattle Seahawks
Steve Largent, the first Seahawk to be named to the Pro Football Hall of Fame, was the most unlikely guy to be a pro football star. Over 13 seasons, Largent quietly worked away, game after game, to the point that when he retired, he held all three major receiving records:
  • most receptions in a career (819),
  • most receiving yards in a career (13,089), and
  • most touchdown receptions (100)
Saint Louis Rams
How the hell L.A. ever allowed the team to leave I'll never understand. Even stranger, L.A. still does not have an NFL team.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

I'm Ready For My Close Up, Mr. McCain!

Sarah Palin’s speech was good. Very good. Almost too good. And then I realized why: This Republican Convention is just a movie!

There is no way in the real world that John McCain picks this unknown, relatively inexperienced woman who, against all odd, knocks the status quo on it’s ear and rises to the top of the heap. That only happens in Hollywood. (Unless the setting is Newfoundland, then you can blame the Canadian National Film Board).

But I know I’ve seen the Sarah Palin story before, but just which film is she in? You decide:
Gone with the Wind: Rural girl struggles against adversity, compromises her principles to get what she wants, finds professional success but ultimately ends up alone.
Fist Full of Dollars: Stranger pulls into a town divided by two rival families, uses the weaknesses of each against the other and rides off into the sunset a wealthy person.

Rudy: Kid with no chance, won’t take no for an answer and ultimately lives the dream for about 15 minutes, never to be heard from again.

Hello Dolly: Small town girl comes back to town to be come a big star after selling out.

Field of Dreams: A dreamer follows voices in an effort to give meaning to an unfulfilled life, does a bunch of crazy things, only to end up back where they started.



Big: Kid has wish to play with the adults granted only to find out being ‘big’ is more than bargained for.

House of Lime: More Weird Politics

House of Lime: More Weird Politics

Lime has cracked me up again with her photo captions.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Candid GOP Conventioneers

Yesterday in a show of bi-partisan support, former Vice Presidential candidate Joe Lieberman spoke to the Republican National Convention. In a speech that likely surprised many convention attendees, the Democratic Lieberman endorsed Senator John McCain for president, going so far as to urge fellow Democrats to break party lines and vote Republican.

Former actor and congressman Fred Thompson seemed to confuse the time lines of when the Democrats controlled Congress and/or the White House. However, his glare is so withering, no one in the largely white-haired audience questioned his research.

Oh, yeah. President Bush also spoke, but he was on TV, so it doesn’t really count, like when they have character’s from The Simpsons present at the Emmy’s.


Dog & Jeans’ Crack Research Squad was on the floor of the Excel Center through out the day and overheard the following comments:









“It is just me or does Joe Lieberman smile like the Joker?”











“Do you think Palin is hot?”













“They’ve run out of tapioca in the cafeteria again!”













“Hi! My roommate Stacy said this was a great

place to meet widowers. How long has your wife

been dead?"











“Yeah Dude, I would totally do that Palin broad!”











“If I pass out later in Mitt Romney's suite,
will anyone know to return me to Texas?”










“So this guy just asked if I was part of the Republican Youth Wing, then ran off laughing. What's that about?"











"What do you mean I 'need to learn how to form an opinion?"













"I can't believe I'm missing a 'Gilmore Girls'

marathon for this."











"Oh yeah. I'd wreck that chick... if my Mom went out for a while."











"Dear God, please don't let me be the only person
of color here."

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Ask Your Doctor if CNN is Right for You.

Last night Laura Bush and Cindy McCain appealed for us all to band together and support our Gulf Coast neighbors. I love Laura Bush. Say what you like about her husband, but that lady is as elegant as royalty and as down home as corn pone. I’d like to give her four more years. (Hmm, that sounds wrong. Try it again without the inflection.)

But other than that, the Republican Convention has been pretty slow. Because of my commitment to you, the bloggy readers of Dogs & Jeans, during these conventions, I have been watching more hours CNN than Joe Francis has watched tape of drunk college girls with low self esteem exposing their non-lactating breasts.

You may not realize this, but most of the time at the convention, NOTHING IS HAPPENING!
However, what becomes surprisingly clear is that I am not a member of the key viewing demographic for this network. Look at the commercials. Hour after hour of ads for blood thinners, mobility devices, 55 plus life insurance, adult diapers, upright bathtubs and diabetes treatments. CNN is like a big geriatric pharmacy.

I’m jealous of these elderly people frolicking in the commercials. Pfizer has taken care of their high blood pressure, their urine streams are strong and steady and the reverse mortgage they negotiated means they are free to travel the globe without a financial worry. Damn this 40 year old fully functioning, yet debt ridden body of mine!

Perhaps the lesson is to embrace life like our Senior Citizens. Don’t pity their dependency on motorized scooters and bladder control problems. Welcome the early onset of dementia as a chance to begin each day anew, a reduced sex drive as the opportunity to truly see women as friends and the inability to obtain life insurance as one less bill I need to pay.

Dammit, I will consult a physician before beginning any new exercise program.

Oh, President Bush is addressing the convention tonight. I just hope to hell that’s not when my new E.D. medication kicks in.

Monday, September 1, 2008

Republican Convention Duck and Cover

In the interests of keeping the nation's focus on Hurricane Gustav, convention organizers have created an abbreviated Monday schedule for the Republican festivities in Minneapolis. Removed for the itinerary was an address by President Bush. However, as his term in office winds down, aides go to great pains to keep Bush from being overwhelmed by administrative pressures. Translation: We don't tell him what's going on most of the time.

Because of this, the threat Gustav posed to the Gulf states was not given as the reason for Bush to remain in Washington. Dogs & Jeans' crack research squad has uncovered the list of excuses used by the President's handlers:


    Dogs & Jeans' Crack Research Squad

  • Cirque de Soleil would be performing at the opening ceremonies (Bush has a mortal fear of acrobats).

  • Michael Phelps was going to let Bush ride him in the White House pool.
  • All the bloggy supporters of Hot Tub Lizzie were set to storm the convention center.

  • Matthew Mcconaughey was attending the convention shirtless, as usual. Who needs that kind of competition with the ladies?

  • Seating order at the convention was based on SAT scores.

  • Wolf Blizter is, in fact, a werewolf. Anyone who denies it is likely a werewolf themselves.

  • Mama Dawg would be addressing the convention about Katrina, and he'd better make himself scarce.

  • Forget Gustav. The Province of Saskatchewan had amassed it's forces along the Montana border. 2500 pissed off farmers of Ukranian descent.

  • The electrical field in Minnesota was so powerful, it would fry Dick Cheney's pacemaker.

  • John McCain challenged him to a best-of-three arm wrestling match. Loser has to address the convention without pants. Everybody knows McCain's got some sneaky-ass Navy arm wrestling skills.