Someday, when I run The Company there are a whole bunch of people who I'm going to fire.
#1 The Kitchen Martyr: You know that person who you might see putting coffee cups in the sink, or taking them out of the little staff kitchen dishwasher who makes sure to tell everyone passing by, "this is the last time I'm doing this. Somebody else is going to have to do it from now on!"
So stop! Nobody asked you to do it. I empty the dishwasher, I rinse the coffee cups and so does everybody else from time to time, but we all don't make it a Cecil B. De Mile song-and-dance number. Sure the kitchen might get a little cluttered or you have to rinse off a fork if the machine hasn't gone through yet, but everyone is busy with WORK! You want sanitary? Go work in surgery. Prick!
#2 The Last Coffee Guy: Okay, before you call me a hypocrite, this is different than #1. Almost every workplace now has the idiot-proof staff coffee dispensing system where you dump the old filter and grounds, pop in a new filter, dump in a package of pre-measured coffee, press start and you are done. Less than 15 seconds, no bending over like emptying the dishwasher, and you don't even get your hands wet like rinsing cups in the sink.
So the next time you have the last cup in the pot (and you know it is because no more comes out moron), make a new batch. When I want coffee, I want coffee NOW God Dammit! I don't want to wait the four minutes it takes to brew a new pot. I'm going to a #$%&*'ing budget meeting and I'm going to fall asleep without the caffeine. Jerk!
#3: Smug Early Guy: I'll be honest: I don't jump out of bed eager to go to work. But I do frequently spend a significant amount of time working late when the phone has stopped ringing. So if I come in after 8 AM, I don't want the guy who has been there since 7 saying "Nice of you to join us", or "Working Bankers' Hours Trooper?". Douchbag!
Who would you fire (other than a-hole complainers like me)?
Read Trooper's New Novel "Lost Armada"
Thursday, November 6, 2008
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22 comments:
Ah yes. I would fire #1. That martyr shit drives me crazy. Also, when that type becomes passive-aggressive? Can't stand that combo. :-)
All of the above PLUS
The leave at the bell person. You know the I work until EXACTLY 5 PM. Not a second longer. Not even if the phone is ringing.
Excellent use of the word douchebag too.
Isn't this cathartic? Fire away! What about firing Spreads Rumors About You Sleeping With Your Boss Because You Got the Promotion and She Didn't Woman? The title alone might kill her.
How about:
The coworker who would eat at her desk so she could take her lunch break to go shopping. I didn't care what she did on her lunch hour... but the incessant slurping, chomping and crunching drove me insane. There was one time where she was scraping her spoon to get the last of her yogurt... I was thisclose to taking my scissors to the yogurt container and asking her "do ya think you can get it all now?!?!?!"
Here is how impatient I am:
If I have to wait for the ENTIRE four minutes for a new pot to brew, I get in such a tizzy that I rip the pot out from underneath the drip and hold my cup there until it is full. So what if a few drops sizzle on the hot plate when I put the pot back. I don't have to clean it up. Dishwasher guy will get it.
Maybe #1 acts like a matryr because the kids have grown and flown the coop and said martyr has nobody at home to 'mart' at.
Maybe #2 acts like that because he lived under his martyr mama's roof for so long - it's like a rage against the machine
Maybe #3 acts like that because he was married to #1 and secretly sleeps under his desk (like George Castanza) and has to make it look like he's the early bird when -
Nyah - they're all just assholes.
fire em all
Haven't been over for a while but got a good laugh from what I had missed.
Having done several group projects for school recently (that's my "workplace" experience), I'd fire "cute girl who always rolls in 15 minutes late, but is carrying a Starbucks." WTF? Stopping for the Starbucks was the 15 minutes you're late beyotch!
In our office we have one of those snazzy one cup at a time machines... that's freeking handy.
Wow. I'm glad all those cretins you describe don't work together in the same office. Of course if they did, and a tragic kiln explosion was to take out the place, it might not be the worst thing ever.
Nice comments everyone.
#1. Fire number two
#2. Then buy your own K-Cup Keurig Machine and sit it on your desk.
I'm with Lizzy...we own one and they are SUPER Frickin AWESOME!!
- Jennifer
We also switched to K-cups and it seriously saved a lot of tension in the office. I'd also fire the lazy person who lets the copier and network printer run out of paper and doesn't bother to go get more for the next person.
Who I'd fire would depend on the day and who's irritating me most.
I want to fire the people who are always walking quickly down the hall, clip clopping to the printer, rushing to the copier. What is so god damn important that you have to rush? we are all busy, not just you, so slow the hell down!
You have an f-ing dishwasher at work! NO ONE SHOULD BE COMPLAINING!
How about the Under-educated and Overconfident Power-tripping Boss Who Actually Says ___________ (pick one or all of the following answers)
1) I dare the Union to do Anything About It
2) You Must Respect Me I Am Your Boss
or 3)any random sexually explicit and innapropriate remark about her own daughter or sometimes clients..
...seriously...
I can handle all three of those. The one I can't handle is the one that feels like she has to say the SAME DAMN THING 600 times. We get it already. Shut up!
Oh, those three you mentioned would drive me nuts. Holier than thou people. UGH People who make sure you know it.
Yet another reason to work for yourself. I haven't had a "real" job in a million years and thankfully haven't had to put up with this kind of stuff. HOWEVER, I am broke much of the time and scared to death of where my next dollar is coming from . Grass is greener? I don't think so.
I'm the early guy, but never smug. Well, rarely.
You know, people just don't use the word douchebag NEARLY enough in the blogosphere. That and the phrase "pie hole." Thanks for kickin' it old school!
And I'd also fire the people who brag endlessly about their accomplishments. The one at our office is sitting near me right now, and I am resisting the urge to PUNCH HIM IN THE HEAD.
Fire #2- that guy has got to go!
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