Friday, November 28, 2008

Yur Muddah Wears Army Boots!

Swirl Girl is a great Bloggy Friend of Dogs & Jeans. So much so that earlier this week she saw fit to bestow another award on this humble pile of idiotic opinions. In her offering, she suggested that Trooper Thorn would not mind how 'girly' the award is and she was indeed correct.
Like many blog awards, there is a menu of instructions for passing on the award, however, I have decided to go in another direction.
Considering the uniquely feminine nature for the “fabulous” award, and in the spirit of the holiday season, I am going to pass this prize to five blogs of military wives whose husbands are currently serving overseas. As the saying goes, “It takes a strong woman to love a military man”, so it must an take an even stronger woman to share her feelings with the rest of the world.
So to say Thank You to all the Families of Service out there, I am giving the “Fabulous Blog Award" to the following blogs:
Left Behind – A Day in the Life of a Military Wife”

“Stay at Home Mom and Military Wife

Military Spouse Suzanne Davis

The Crow Family

Molly Pitcher of An Army Wife’s Life
Semper Fi Ladies!
To all the five recipients, please pass this award on to 5 of your favorite blogs.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Thanksgiving Conversation Help

No Holiday for those of us north of the 49th parallel, so here's a link to some things you can only say around your family. (Warning: use of these quotes while on public transit may result in your being committed)

Also here's one to let you know you have eaten too much:

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

If Horton Hears a Who, Does Someone Pay the Lawyers?

The family of Dr. Seuss (Theodore Geisel) have blocked efforts by the city of Louisville to re-brand itself as ‘LouWhoVille” for the Christmas season. Lawyers filed an injunction against using any representations from the beloved children’s classic “The Grinch Who Stole Christmas” as part of the city’s holiday festivities. According to court documents, without licensed royalty payments, Louisville’s “Whoville” homage represented a significant copyright infringement. “We never meant any harm,” said a spokesperson for the city, “we thought the Grinch was part of the public domain.”

This decision has now opened the door to the families of other “originators” to trademark ideas and representations which are currently believed to be in the public domain. In a rush to judgement, we may all soon be paying royalties for the daily use of the following cultural elements:

Venn Diagram
Every time anyone draws two or more intersecting circles, the family of mathematician John Venn will receive seven farthings. Expect the cost of math and social science textbooks to soar.

Pythagorean Theorem
Building costs are expected to increase significantly as engineers and architects will be required to pay 100 drachmas to the estate of Pythagoras for every calculation of angles and area. Courts have reserved judgement on whether the Hypotenuse Clan is entitled to a percentage of any earnings.

Cartesian Graphs
Complications arose in determining the extend to which the axes of modern-day charts and graphs constituted any dualistic representation as defined by philosopher and mathematician Rene Decartes. In an uncharacteristic act of legal simplification, the courts have determined that the use of the letters “X” and “Y” together is sufficient trademark violation.

As if the Franklin Mint didn't make enough cash all ready, access to the flow of all electricity across North America will now be controlled. Your local power company will remain intact but will pay $100/kilowatt hour for all consumption to the heirs of Benjamin Franklin. Better think twice before putting another strand of twinkle lights on the tree this year.

As of this writing, Coca Cola is building a case to finally claim complete ownership over all things “Santa”. Sorry Christmas, you’re just too damn expensive for us now.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Why American Thanksgiving is Better Than Canadian Thanksgiving

Canada celebrates Thanksgiving too. Bet you didn’t know that. If you were aware of this fact, did you know it is not celebrated on the same day? Every year when this week in November rolls around I grow jealous and I’ll tell you why:

Time Off
Canadian Thanksgiving is always the second Monday in October, which results in a three day weekend. US Thanksgiving is the last Thursday in November, which usually results in a four day weekend; four and a half if folks leave early on Wednesday, five if you have balls and just blow off work entirely on Wednesday. In fact, since it is the biggest travel time of the year, most people can get away with going AWOL on Wednesday by shrugging and saying in an exasperated voice “You know… Thanksgiving…”

This on is a toss up. Canadian Thanksgiving features two CFL games while American Thanksgiving has three NFL games. However one of those NFL games is always the Detroit Lions, so it shouldn’t really count.

Time of Year
Canadian Thanksgiving is still very early in autumn. We have not yet had the worst of the crummy fall weather. A later holiday would give people more to look forward to while slogging out the October freezing rains and shortening days. Plus a late November holiday seems like a perfect interlude before a month of Christmas insanity.
Which leads me to:

Proximity to Christmas
Christmas in Canada is the Big Event. Expectations are you must spend time (and we are talking quality time) with every family member: his, hers, yours, mine & ours. American Thanksgiving is the perfect pressure release valve for Christmas. Two ‘family’ related events within a month can spread out the guilt and disappointment that you spent one holiday with Dad and his new wife instead of Mom, her cats and the sad neighbour who isn’t really her boyfriend but always seems to be hanging around.

Happy Thanksgiving to all the friends of Dogs & Jeans who will be eating instead of blogging this week.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Does Anything Work the Way it is Supposed To?

Mama Dawg has provided a reminder that the world rarely works as designed. Her high-tech popcorn system demonstrates that even those functions that should be simple for a machine ofter require human intervention. Dogs & Jeans has compiled the following list of devices and processes that only work when somebody gets involved:

  1. Microwave Popcorn: The One-Touch 'Popcorn' button, leaves at least 25% of the kernels unpopped. Pressing One-Touch a second time just burns everything. For best results I kneed the bag first to spread out the kernels locked within the think layer of buttery goodness. Then press the One-Touch button but only until the first kernel pops. Then you have to cancel the function and press 'Popcorn' for a second time.

  2. Internet Password Automatic Logons: Living 'on-line' seems simple enough: shopping, banking, blogging communicating with old friends on facebook. Simple until you realize that every site you access requires a user name and password. No problem.; your browser will automatically remember those for you. Until the day all your personal info is erased. Good luck trying to remember to use "PonTiac255" with "CuteGirl1981" when you try to access your The solution is to write down all your logons and passwords that you keep in a notebook right by your computer and to hell with security.
  3. DVD's: DVD's were first marketed as the permanent format for movies that would never wear out like VHS tapes. i suppose this is true if you live in a dust-free, sanitized, childfree, OCD world where disks always find there way back to their case. If you are normal, fingerprints, scuffs, boogers, cat hair and pizza sauce commonly cause Adam Sandler to pixilate and stop 20 minutes into "Happy Gilmore". Sure a DVD does not need to be rewound, but before you play them, a good wipe with well spit-on tissue is required (and the occasional rub on a clean T-shirt half way through).
  4. Butter Churns: Don't get me started on %$#*'ing butter churns. Mine is always on the fritz.

What technological marvels have you improved?

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Detroit Lends a Hand. Disabled Homeless Person Wants it Back.

CEO's for The Big Three Automakers came to Washington today to ask Congress for a financial bailout. Apparently the recent economic crisis has hurt car sales so much, they need an immediate cash injection to stay afloat. As a demonstration of their commitment to fiscal restraint, the three men arrived in three separate private jets.

These guys are patriots! Through their actions, not only have they increased the demand on jet fuel further ensuring the jobs of American jet fuel workers, but they freed up three seats for regular folks on the airlines.

Fresh off yesterday's controversial posting, Dogs & Jeans offers, as a Public Service, this listing of other ways the auto executives will be cutting back while still stimulating the American economy:
  • Replacing china and cutlery after every meal will reduce water consumption from dishwashers.
  • 2011 cars to be powered by the globe's most renewable resource: pigeon eggs.
  • Winter mansions to be relocated closer to summer mansions to reduce vacation commutes. Spring and fall mansions to be moved to Europe where everything is in litres. That has to be less right?
  • To save on heating fuels, home furnaces to be retrofitted to burn fur coats.
  • The same technology that keeps Dick Cheney's heart beating will be used to increase car engine efficiency by 200%.
  • Federal regulations will require everyone to wear wool caps at all times so we can keep the thermostats lower.
5:00 PM Update: Dogs & Jeans just went over the 5000 visitor mark. Thanks everyone! A round of "Butter Me Up Scotty's" on the house.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Tuesday's Controversy

Today might be The Day folks. We are closing in on 5000 unique visitors to the Dogs & Jeans' Cornucopia of Balderdash. So to really drive Bloggy Interest I am presenting a topic so controversial, it will push The Financial Crisis, The Hunt for Bin Laden and the Second Anniversary of Tom & Katie off off the front pages. I'm talking about Pudding.

I love pudding. It is a very underrated desert food. So many flavours, smooth and creamy, not too sweat and always satisfying. Often cheesecake or pumpkin pie it too much after a meal but, despite Jello's claim of ownership, pudding it the only desert there truly is room for. Always.

My favorite is Butterscotch. This works well for me because most people prefer Chocolate, so there is usually plenty of Butterscotch left for me.

Rice Pudding is okay on occasion, but it is more the Joe Mantegna of the pudding world.

I will stay out of the whole 'Custard: Pudding or Not' debate for the sake of the children, except to say that Tapioca is not pudding.

Care to weigh in on your position on pudding?

Monday, November 17, 2008

5000 Blog Readers Can't Be Wrong

Some time this week (if I were a betting man, I'd put money on Tuesday), Dogs and Jeans will receive it's 5000th visitor. In the world of smart-aleck jackassery, that's pretty good. I hope everyone had a good laugh 9even if it was at my expense most of the time).

In what appears to be an early gift, The Queen In Residence has given me a blog award. I don't understand the title since it's in in Spanish, but just like Penelope Cruz, it's pretty to look at, so that's okay. And it's been a while since I have had my literary ego stroked in such a way so thank you Resident Queen.

Now I have the enviable task of selecting 8 people to receive this award. So as always here are the rules:

"These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in prizes or self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers! Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award.”

So in no particular order here are my eight:

1. Mama Dawg of Two Dogs Running South. Her blog is the straight goods and never shies away from shining the flashlight on damp, mossy, dark parts of her life. She is the cybernetic wind inter my virtual wings.

2. Jaina at Looking Through the Lens. As though she was emulating another young woman trying to make it on her own, Jaina can "take a a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile." Plus she could use some more visitors. And I'm betting an apartment make-over by IKEA.
3. Only a Movie. Random. Lists. Fun.
4. Cocette from Suburban Musings. Just when you thought being grown up, married and with your own home would get dull, she snaps your head back like a jab from Leon Spinks.
5. A Free Man. An Auburn Tiger in Australia. Weird.
6. Hot Tub Lizzie. For crying out loud, the woman ran for President just so the Blogosphere would have representation. That sort of commitment needs some type of accolade.
7. Jennifer at that Goat Blogging Minnesota/Texas Whatsis. Most of the time I can't figure out if it's Jennifer or Sandi (or a goat named Raul) and they are in Texas or Minnesota, but I like it anyway.
8. Sassy Stephanie at Our Piece of Quiet. There's kids and cancer treatment and dogs and messes and vampires and all the rest of life goin' on y'all.
So pick up your awards, visit all these friends and pass it on.
Another installment of The Guy Movie Guide is on it's way.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Nebraska - The Eat Your Vegetables State

Nebraska's Safe Haven law allowing parents to abandon children at local hospitals free from legal reprisals has resulted in an unexpected deluge of teens being "dropped off." Many parents have been unable to resist the urge to make their teen’s “someone else’s problem” when they have gotten an unauthorized piercing or stayed at their boyfriend Dylan’s after swearing they were at Shelly’s house.
Across America the expression “we’re sending you to military school” has been replaced by “ We’re driving to Omaha”. Until Nebraska legislators can amend the law to put in place an age restriction, they are launching a PR campaign designed to discourage people from leaving their teenagers all over the state.
Dogs & Jeans has uncovered several of the many rejected slogans:

  • Nebraska – The Birthplace of Arbour Day, not your damn kid!
  • Gravel roads, skateboards and a lack of helmet laws don’t mix.
  • Nebrersaka – Like Saskatchewan Only Duller
  • Johnny Carson was from Nebresaka and now he’s dead. Is that what you want for your child?
  • The “One out of Five” dentist who doesn’t recommend Dentyne for his patients who chew gum lives here.
  • Believe us, you don’t want to know what a CornHusker really is.
  • We’re the 38th most populous state in the union and it’s going to stay that way, dagnabbit!

Note: Episode 5 of the Guy Movie Guide to Business Success has now been posted.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

After several days of heavy rains, the skies cleared. When my morning drive to work looks like this:

It does make a fellow appreciative of all he has:
  • My three kids are wonderful young people with the potential to change their worlds
  • My dogs love me for the person they think I am
  • I get to laugh at myself at least once an hour every day. Often someone else is laughing too.
  • I have lived in some terrific places, met interesting people and been fortunate to never go without.
  • Hockey, baseball and football overlap enough so there is always something on TV to waste my time.
  • The music I like is still considered "Classic Rock" and not yet relegated to "Easy Listening".
  • While I rarely understand my job, I work with some very smart people who explain it to me slowly using very small words.
  • I am still mobile enough to exercise sufficiently to have that second beer.
  • My Bloggy friends think I am interesting enough to comment regularly.

Enough sap. Back to the satire tomorrow.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

The Razor’s Edge Between Fame and Infamy

Reports continue to swirl that Sarah Palin will consider a Republican bid for the presidency herself in 2012. Of course her difficulty will be remaining relevant over the next four years without becoming a media whore. She needs to be in the Public Eye, but in a positive way. This is a tough call, especially when every huckster with a hair-brained cause or backwater event will be lining up to get her on board. It is a very slippery slope between grabbing the spotlight with dignity and being an organ grinder’s monkey doing anything for attention.
Rudy Giuliani has managed to do it, as has Joey Buttafucco, but for vastly different reasons.
In the spirit of non-partisan support, Dogs & Jeans offers this the helpful list to Gov. Palin to ensure she makes the right choices when approached:
Good TV: Weekly addresses as Alaska Governor

Bad TV: Weekly meetings for recovering Baked Alaska addicts

Good TV: National Cadillac spokes person

Bad TV: Regional Mattress Outlet spokes model


Good TV: Throwing out first pitch at the World Series

Bad TV: Throwing up after too many pitchers on 25 cent Wasilla Wings Night.


Good TV: Center Square during special “Great Americans Week”

Bad TV: Lead story on Entertainment Tonight’s Hollywood Sex Scandals on Hollywood Squares


Good TV: Congratulating the 2009 Iditarod Champion

Bad TV: Congratulating Michael Vick for successful 2009 parole hearing


Good TV: Building homes with Katrina Relief

Bad TV: Endorsing former FEMA director Mike (Brownie) Brown for Government Manager of the Decade


Good TV: Cheering for the Washington Capitols during the NHL finals

Bad TV: Growing a playoff beard during NHL finals

Thursday, November 6, 2008

The Unemployment Line Just Got 3 Places Longer

Someday, when I run The Company there are a whole bunch of people who I'm going to fire.

#1 The Kitchen Martyr: You know that person who you might see putting coffee cups in the sink, or taking them out of the little staff kitchen dishwasher who makes sure to tell everyone passing by, "this is the last time I'm doing this. Somebody else is going to have to do it from now on!"

So stop! Nobody asked you to do it. I empty the dishwasher, I rinse the coffee cups and so does everybody else from time to time, but we all don't make it a Cecil B. De Mile song-and-dance number. Sure the kitchen might get a little cluttered or you have to rinse off a fork if the machine hasn't gone through yet, but everyone is busy with WORK! You want sanitary? Go work in surgery. Prick!

#2 The Last Coffee Guy: Okay, before you call me a hypocrite, this is different than #1. Almost every workplace now has the idiot-proof staff coffee dispensing system where you dump the old filter and grounds, pop in a new filter, dump in a package of pre-measured coffee, press start and you are done. Less than 15 seconds, no bending over like emptying the dishwasher, and you don't even get your hands wet like rinsing cups in the sink.

So the next time you have the last cup in the pot (and you know it is because no more comes out moron), make a new batch. When I want coffee, I want coffee NOW God Dammit! I don't want to wait the four minutes it takes to brew a new pot. I'm going to a #$%&*'ing budget meeting and I'm going to fall asleep without the caffeine. Jerk!

#3: Smug Early Guy: I'll be honest: I don't jump out of bed eager to go to work. But I do frequently spend a significant amount of time working late when the phone has stopped ringing. So if I come in after 8 AM, I don't want the guy who has been there since 7 saying "Nice of you to join us", or "Working Bankers' Hours Trooper?". Douchbag!

Who would you fire (other than a-hole complainers like me)?

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Sweet Home Barak Obama

Frequent bloggy readers of Dogs & Jeans know I have often professed my love for the South. Southern folks are some of the warmest people on the planet as welcoming to a stranger as a cool rain is on a hot Tuscaloosa August afternoon. And if I lived south of the Mason Dixon line, I'd weigh 300 pounds since I'd never stop eating hush puppies, chicken fried steak, ribs, hoppin' john, deep fried okra, biscuits and gravy all washed down with jugs of sweet tea.

However, for many residents the South has been a place of segregation, suppretion, violence and haterd. While this has improved greatly in the last 40 years, there is still plenty of improvement to be made, and I'm not talking Blue vs Red. However, last night's victory by Barak Obama signals that, perhaps in my lifetime, all of America will be free of prejudice.

This article by Peggy Wallace Kennedy, the daughter of the late Alabama governor George Wallace sums up how change can happen one heart at a time better than I can. Please give it a read.

Back to the funny tomorrow!

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

I Disagree With the Tales of the Old Wives

With this extremely intersting, exciting and important election being held today, I am going to (uncharacteristically) stay out of the way. I'll leave the comments to Wolf Blitzer today and wish all my American friends a happy vote.

In the meantime, I'll return to a certain a level of jackassery and present my view on some issues that have been mulling around in my head through my recent "Days of Chaos" (the significanly less popular sequel to Tom Cruise's "Days of Thunder").

Issue 1: "Pizza is better the next morning cold". No it's not. It's still good, but not as good as piping hot right out of the box. Even the next piece is significantly less tasty even if you put the box right back in the oven. There is a quantum degradation of pizza quality the more times the box is opened. Try this experiment for yourself. Order a pizza tonight but don't eat any of it. Jus
hot pizza delivery girl
t leave it on the coffee table in front of the TV. Tomorrow night order a second identical pizza then try a slice of both. If the cold one tastes better, you're drunk.

Issue 2: If good things come to "Those Who Wait" and good things come "In Small Packages", do really good things come to "Those Who Wait In Small Packages"?

Issue 2B: What about the "Early Bird Getting the Worm"? Wouldn't an early bird who waited get a better worm? What kind of worm comes in a small package?

Issue 3: If I can kill two birds with one stone, how many could I kill with two stones? Do they have to be thrown at the same time or one after another? How many could I kill with three stones and a pile of sticks? What if I used a billiard ball in a tube sock instead?

Issue 4: Why do we still say "close but no cigar'? Is there anyone alive today that remembers receiving a cigar as a carnival prize? I suggest we change the expression to "close, but no crudly made, Indonesian stuffed toy of a non-descript cartoon character."

Issue 5: If you are only willing to give a penny to learn someone else's thought, you really don't care a hell of a lot. Just say "tell me what you're thinking and I'll try to stay awake, you cheap bastard."

That's all I've got.

Happy Voting America!