Tuesday, October 28, 2008

So These Two White Supremacists Walk into a Bar…

For anyone who happened to miss this yesterday, according to Reuters News Service, two white supremacist skinheads were arrested in Tennessee over plans to go on a killing spree and eventually shoot Democratic presidential candidate Barak Obama.

The two suspects, Daniel Cowart and Paul Schlesselman, met over the Internet about a month ago and are with making threats against a presidential candidate, illegal possession of a sawed-off shotgun and conspiracy to rob a gun dealer.

The men planned to wear white tuxedos and top hats during the assassination attempt, which would have involved driving as fast as they could toward Obama and shooting him from the windows of the car.

They planned their first house robbery for last Wednesday but ended up leaving without breaking in. Instead they bought ski masks, food and rope to use in their robbery attempts. Prior to their arrest, they wrote racially motivated words and symbols on the exterior of Cowart's vehicle, including a swastika and the numbers "14" and "88" on the hood of the car.

I can’t help but wonder if the Aryan Nations have some sort of remedial terrorism program that got out of hand? Doesn’t a local KKK Board of Oversight conduct due diligence for any hate-crime plots to ensure sound project management and risk analysis or is it an in-bred free- for-all of weapons, liquor and ignorance? Did these two knuckleheads just get carried away because they were disoriented from moonshine or the fumes from a leaky exhaust on daddy’s Olds 88?

Wouldn’t you figure a car covered with crudely painted swastika’s would become a dead giveaway if the police were hunting for a racially motivated killing spree? At least the 9/11 hijackers made an attempt to blend in before “pulling the trigger.”

Most readers know I have a soft spot for John McCain (although not as soft as the heads of Cowart and Schlesselman), but after this insanity, I hope Obama wins just to stick it to the Neanderthal remnants of racism that still lurk in the dark folds of America’s colon.

F.U. Stupid White Guys!

Monday, October 27, 2008

Operator? Can you help me place this call?

As requested, here is the transcript for last week's overheard phone conversation between Senator Joe Biden and Governor Sarah Palin.

Palin: Y’ellow!
Biden: Hi Sarah It’s Joe.
Palin: Hey Joe. Whaddya know? (giggles)
Biden: Nuthin. Watcha doing?
Palin: No much. How about you?
Biden: Not much. How about you?
Palin: Not much. How about you?
Biden: Not much. How…
(This goes on for a while)
Biden: So, you want to do something?
Palin: Like what?
Biden: I dunno. What do you feel like doing?
Palin: I dunno. What about you?
Biden: I dunno. What about you?
(This too goes on for a while)
Biden: What if we meet for an Orange Julius at the mall?
Palin: Which mall?
Biden: How ‘bout Georgetown Park?
Palin: Hang on, I’ll see if I can get a ride.
(Biden hums “Genie In A Bottle” while he waits. We can hear muffled conversation from Palin’s receiver).
Palin: Can’t go. We’re too far away.
Biden: Where are you?
Palin: Iowa
Biden: Oh.. Cool.
Palin: Nuh-uh. How are things with Barak?
Biden: Okay I guess. We don’t seem to be connecting these days. He’s so distant, like he doesn’t need me at all.Palin: You are so lucky!
Biden: No way.
Palin: Way! John is so up and down. Needy one minute then it’s like he can’t get away fast enough the next.
Biden: Sounds rough
Palin: It is. And his friends keep telling him he should dump me and pick somebody else.
Biden: You could do so much better anyway. You know, I sometimes wish Barak and I could just end it and move on.
Palin: Don’t say that. You two are made for each other. Everyone says so.
Biden: Maybe you’re right. He says he’ll have more time to commit to us and our relationship after November.
Palin: There you go. He’s just focused on work right now.
Biden: Thanks Sarah I always feel better talking to you. Call you tomorrow?
Palin: You betcha. I think we’ll be in Ohio, or Pennsylvania or Quebec. One of them states.
Biden: Okay. Bye
Palin: Bye
Biden: Bye
Palin: Good bye
Biden: You hang up
Palin: No, you hang up first (giggles)
Biden: No you.
Palin: On three. Ready? One, two, three…
(muffled laughter)
Biden: You didn’t hang up!
Palin: Neither did you !
Biden: On three again. One…
Palin: Three! (She hangs up)
Biden: Hello? Hello/ Mmm…(He hangs up )

Thursday, October 23, 2008

At least Biden's Diet is Healthy

With less than 2 weeks to go before Election Day, the candidates are all very busy. Barak Obama is shoring up his lead and ensuring his vote turns out, John McCain is struggling to find any momentum to close the gap and Sarah Palin is repeating the phrase “I’m a Maverick!” to anyone who will listen.

But we haven’t heard from Joe Biden since the VP debate. It’s not because he is redundant to the Obama campaign, it’s just that Obama doesn’t need him anymore. Hell, with this kind of momentum, Barak could have chosen himself as running mate and done just as well.

So just how is the Senator from Delaware passing his days? Dogs & Jeans Crack Research Squad has been in “deep cover” and provided you readers with the Inside Story.
7:45 Biden wakes up
7:46 Spends 4 minutes reading affirmation notes from his mother to remind himself what a super, terrific, special person he is.
7:50 Showers and gets dressed in one of 200 identical navy blue suits.
8:10 Eats sensible breakfast of raisin toast, hardboiled egg, juice and coffee. Eats egg shells to reduce amount of garbage in landfill. Aide reminds him that egg shells are compostable but it’s too late.
9:00 Receives daily campaign itinerary. Asks again why all campaign events are held at the desk in his Capitol Hill office.
9:30 Arrives at office. Answers ‘fan mail’ written by campaign volunteers until lunch time.
12:00 Orders in turkey on whole wheat, carrot sticks and Pepsi. Listens to Classic Rock station and solves 2 Sudoku puzzles.
1:00 Walks The Mall shaking hands and asking for support for Obama/Biden. Secret Service screens all pedestrians in advance to ensure only ‘left-leaning’ walkers with no agenda get near the candidate. NRA members are drowned in the Reflecting Pool.
2:30 Plays with some terriers.
3:00 Back to answering ‘fan mail’.
3:30 Mid afternoon snack of chocolate milk and a banana
3:45 Calls Obama to say he’s bored. Leaves voice mail.
3:50 Calls McCain to say he’s bored. Leaves voice mail.
3:55 Calls Palin to say he’s bored. They chat for nearly an hour about “stuff” and “things”. Neither can say goodbye and hang up, even after counting to three and listening to hear if the other hangs up first.
4:50 Doodles
5:00 Off to the gym for Spinning and to “shred” has back and abs.
6:30 Dinner of fish, rice and steamed broccoli.
8:00 Watches American Idol so everyone else “Shut the Hell up!”
9:30 Checks voice mail to find out if Obama called back. He didn't. Sigh.
10:00 Bed time. 15 minutes of Proust’s “Remembrance of Things Past” Then it’s Lights Out in advance of another busy day.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

You Might be From Western Pennsylvania if...

This week, a spokesperson for the Democratic party expressed concern that Obama may have difficulty receiving votes in Western Pennsylvania due to their history of racism. Later he tried to qualify his remarks by stating Western Pennsylvanians were not racists merely “rednecks”. McCain was unable to capitalize on the faux pas however when he labeled these folks as “patriots” who were merely set in their ways.
Dogs & Jeans Crack Image Consulting Team

It looks like the good people of Western Pennsylvania are in need of a make-over and the Dogs & Jeans Crack Image Consulting Team aim to help. Here we present so quick and easy sure fire ways to turn around the impression of Western Pennsylvania being a hot bed of intolerance:

            • Host a Super Gay Pride Parade so extravagant it would make San Francisco’s look like a Billy Graham Revival,

            • Cancel the annual “Bring a Jew to Work” day,

            • Celebrate the state’s diversity with an Olde Tyme Black Face Minstrel Show revival. No, wait. Does that send the wrong message?

            • End the local Taco Bells’ forced migration of Californian workers,

            • New local access cable show: “Hopi or Hindu: Know Your Indian”

            • Massive advertising campaign during the World Series reminding viewers how much Ryan Howard and Jimmy Rollins love “The W Pa!”

            Friday, October 17, 2008

            Don't Leave the Game Early Unless the Babysitter Charges Double After Midnight

            Yankee great Yogi Berra is often quoted when a team is facing certain defeat with some time time remaining. One of his more famous lines is: 'It ain't over till it's over." Well, sure but there has to be a limit to the possible, doesn't there? Sports cliches are like people who tell us there is nothing humans can do to alter climate change: we know they are probably true, but nobody really believes them.

            Last night the Boston Red Sox were down 5-0 to Tampa Bay (sorry Comet Girl) when I started driving home after a late meeting. I had thought I'd go to a local pub and watch the rest if it was close. Then the Ray notched 2 more in the top of the 7th. This one was over. Tampa still had not gone to their closer and the Red Sox bullpen was spent. I just kept driving.

            Then it happened. One run. Ortiz's 3 run homer. Now it's close. J.D. Drew brings it to within one. I stepped through the front door with the tying run on second. I can't believe my eyes when the Devil Ray lead vanishes.

            Imagine the chaos in the Tampa dugout. The panic. The FEAR. Everyone of them remember the Red Sox comeback against the Yankees.

            I haven't sat down since coming in the door. My jacket is still on. I think I'm still holding my briefcase. Could Yogi Berra be proven correct?

            Youkilis makes it aboard on an error and takes second. Now the Boston win seems inevitable. When Drew's line drive punches over the fielder's head and rolls to the wall, it is almost anti-climactic. Where 45 minutes before I firmly believed the Phillies would face the Rays in the World Series, I now am convinced the comeback was in the cards from the start of the game.

            Momentum is a funny thing.

            Here is a great review of the game by ESPN writer Bill Simmons

            Wednesday, October 15, 2008

            The Republican Prophesy is Coming True

            Has anyone seen the headlines on CNN today?
            • Nancy Reagan Falls, Fractures Hip
            • Cheney's Abnormal Heart Rhythm Returns

            This is like watching "The Omen". I'm just waiting to hear that John McCain has been run through with a javelin while giving a speech at a local high school stadium.

            For those of you following the adventures of Jack Collins, there is a new episode of The Guy Movie Guide to Business Success posted today.

            Tuesday, October 14, 2008

            The Roots of Voter Apathy Run Deep

            The lament of many free democratic societies is the remarkably low voter turn out. The US election participation has often threatened to drop below 60% and Canada is not immune to the same illness.
            In recognition of Canada’s General Federal election today, Dogs & Jeans presents the following excuses pollsters are given for why people won't be trudging through the mid October snowstorms to vote today:

            • I can't decide to vote for Flabby Guy, Scary Guy or Crazy Guy.
            • There are even fewer female candidates than on "The Bachelor".
            • I can't follow the baseball playoffs and election coverage too.
            • I'm boycotting Elections Canada until they let you vote multiple times like the Liberal Party does.
            • I haven't been able to cast a vote since the whole "Canadian Idol" debacle.
            • No time. Too busy working on my screenplay about three roommate fashion models and a wisecracking robot.
            • I didn't know [insert your province or territory here] was still part of Canada.
            • Aren't only federal prisoners allowed to vote now?
            • Not enough parties to choose from any more.
            • If I vote, then I'll have to register my guns.
            • Election? What election?

            Friday, October 10, 2008

            Sunrise, Sunset, Swiftly Flow the Days

            Today is my birthday. 42! I can’t believe it, but they say 42 is the new 53, so it’s okay. It got me to thinking what the world was like this week in 1966 (it was Canadian Thanksgiving Monday too):
            Current Events

            • October 7 - The Soviet Union declared that all Chinese students must leave the country before the end of October.
            • October 9 - The Baltimore Orioles defeat the Los Angeles Dodgers in Game 4 of the World Series, 1–0, to sweep the series for their 1st World Series Championship.
            • October 11 - France and the Soviet Union sign a treaty for cooperation in nuclear research.

            The Journal of Medicine (JAMA) published the following ground breaking research:

            • The Electrocardiograph as a Monitor of Cardiac Function in the Operating Room
              V. D. Mazzia; C. H. Ellis; H. Siegel; S. G. Hershey

            How about controversial correspondence between the two discoverers of the structure of the DNA double helix.

            • Letter from Francis Crick to James D. Watson
              After his first careful reading of the manuscript of Watson's account of their collaboration, Crick in this letter objected to the account as unscholarly and misleading. He also charged that it did a disservice to science, because it would serve to discourage other scientists from collaborating.

            Social Studies


            What was on TV on a Monday night:

            • Batman
            • Rat Patrol
            • Peyton Place
            • Big Valley
            • The Andy Williams Show with guests Peggy Lee and Bob Newhart

            People I Share this Birthdate with (but not year)
            Giuseppe Verdi born on October 10, 1813
            Helen Hayes born on October 10, 1900
            Thelonious Monk born on October 10, 1917
            Peter Coyote born on October 10, 1942
            Ben Vereen born on October 10, 1946
            David Lee Roth born on October 10, 1954
            Tanya Tucker born on October 10, 1958
            Bradley Whitford born on October 10, 1959
            Brett Favre born on October 10, 1969
            Chris Pronger born on October 10, 1974
            Dale Earnhardt Jr. born on October 10, 1974

            Thursday, October 9, 2008

            Urkel and Archie Have Lessons For The Republican Party

            Like political parties, TV sitcoms that find themselves struggling to retain the public's loyalty after a long period of dominance will try a variety of tricks to shore up their popularity. And every once in a while, a show strikes rehab gold and the characters live on for a few more seasons. With that in mind, here are the four main show-salvaging devices and their implications for the Republican Party as it’s 8 ‘season’ run appears at risk of being abruptly cancelled.

            THE CROSSOVER
            TV version: Steve Urkel of Family Matters once visited Full House to teach Stephanie that it's okay to wear glasses. Norm and Cliff from Cheers spent an evening drinking in the Nantucket airport lounge on Wings. The detectives from Law & Order worked three cases with their peers from Homicide: Life on the Street. The Crossover episode can provide a multitude of new story options, and makes viewers feel clever when they figure out the question: "Hey, Honey, where do I know that guy from?"

            Republican Parallel: John McCain has been trying his own Crossover tactic. He asked politicians from State and Local politics as well as players from other parties to join him and his "Straight Talk Express 2008". Joe Lieberman’s endorsement and the Convention was a nice try, and nominating the Alaska Governor seemed like a good idea at the time but getting an endorsement from the Clintons just didn’t happen.

            In fact, the way Sarah Palin has been gaffing, her selection as running mate may be a worse move that when a TV show brings in Ted McGinley.

            THE BIG MOVE
            TV version: When Laverne and Shirley ran out of beer to bottle in Milwaukee, the girls headed west, taking Laverne's father, their landlady, Carmine, Lenny and Squiggy with them. When they forgot to pack the comedy to bring with them, the show made Wisconsin look wackier than the Golden State. The California sun gave the show a few more seasons, but at the bottom of the ratings, and finally the roommates went their separate ways.

            Republican parallel: Think west, far west. So far west it's probably east: Australia. The Liberal Party of Australia had won three straight elections before it’s recent narrow defeat -- and The Republicans still have time to move into the apartment next door and offer them endless advice. The catch is, Australia's Liberals are actually quite conservative! In Episode One, hilarity ensues after Karl Rove suggests "A koala in every pot" as a campaign slogan. "But the focus group in Arkansas loved it!" Rove says.

            RENAME THE SHOW
            TV version: Norman Lear's All in the Family suffered from a lack of viewers once characters started leaving. The Jeffersons and Gloria moved away, and finally Edith died (unless you're part of a spin-off, you get whacked by Lear). The show tried adding a new character when Archie adopted his niece, but only a drastic move, renaming the show Archie Bunker's Place, breathed enough life into the old formula to give Archie four more years of insulting anyone who disagrees with him.

            Republican parallel: Colin Powell and Ari Fleischer moved away, and finally Donald Rumsfeld was “killed off”. The party tried promoting an existing popular character (Condi) but there's no cute niece in sight, or even a cousin Oliver like on the Brady Bunch. Rebranding the party as Team McCain does create a little interest, usually just curiosity, but won't lure many new viewers into watching. Unlike Archie, a name change might not bring the Republicans four more years of insulting anyone who disagrees with them.

            THE SPINOFF
            TV version: The Spinoff results from two things, either an attempt to develop a second successful show to complement an original or as a way of having lightning strike twice once a show goes off the air. Sometimes it works well, but when it fails, seeing your favorite characters wheezing away in a lame spinoff diminishes the reputation of the first show. Frasier was great, AfterMASH blew.

            Republican parallel: With George W Bush having taken the Republicans as far as he can, the Team McCain gang might be best to spin off the whole production to a new show. Bring down the curtain on the current incarnation, identify the interesting characters and a few decent storylines and launch a fresh new republican party for the 2012 season. Possible spinoff titles include “Ron Paul and Pals” or “Cooking With Condi”.

            Wednesday, October 8, 2008

            Tuesdays with John

            (Disclaimer: I'm a McCain Homer. Have been for many years, so this posting breaks my heart)

            I don't like being wrong, but boy, was I ever wrong. A few weeks ago I wrote how the selection of Palin (regardless of her personal beliefs) would be McCain's ticket to the White House. Then she started to talk. Then the stock market crumbled. Then the Republican's became desperate.

            Last week's VP debate was a brief reprieve in Palin's falling stock, but it was not going to be enough to counteract the slide. Then came last night's debate. Obama was dignified, clear and direct. McCain was crotchety and verbally swinging punches at a target he couldn't see. And What's with all the pointing?

            The worst part was watching McCain in the background while Obama spoke. Rather than sit in his chair, gathering his thoughts for rebuttal, McCain could be seen shuffling back and forth clutching the microphone in both hands. He looked like an Alzheimer victim wandering around looking for the TV remote he was already holding. The only things missing were the half-open bathrobe and his mumbling about not getting Jello at lunch.

            I give up.

            Here's some photos with captions. Vilify me if you want.

            "Don't worry, John. We're going to take you back to the rest home right now."

            "I don't know you, but you look just like my daughter."

            McCain tries to defend himself after being surprised by a camera flash in the crowd.
            Obama: "Thanks for dinner. We'll see you again at Thanksgiving."
            McCain: "Look at the big pile of leaves!"

            Thursday, October 2, 2008

            I Know What You Did Last Summer At Debate Camp

            The last two days, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin has been locked away at John McCain’s Arizona retreat undergoing a rigorous training regime to prepare for tonight’s debate. While many people might consider being at an isolated get-away with the comely Vice Presidential candidate the answer to a sweaty, late night prayer, the experience of the Republican Debate Preparation Team has been less than perfect if some of the overhead comments to the Governor are any indication:
            • “Can you please refer to Russians, Cubans, Chinese or any other foreign nationality without adding the adjective ‘dirty’?”
            • “Your rifle is clean Governor, please leave it alone.”
            • “Yes, Senator McCain is a maverick, and a navy top gun, but he was not Maverick in the movie ‘Top Gun’.”
            • “No thank you Governor, I couldn’t eat another s’more.”
            • “For the last time, the NEA is the National Endowment for the Arts, not the “Explosives” branch of the NRA.”
            • “Let’s refrain from calling the lower 48 states Commieland, Pagansylvania or Whoreville.”
            • “Ow! Quit it with the Indian Burns, Governor!”
            • “Probably best not to address Senator Biden as ‘Joe Bob” no matter how folksy it makes you appear.”
            • “Please Governor, just name one Supreme Court Justice for me. ScaScaScalScali… Yes, ‘Scalia’. Very good. You can have a cookie.”
            • “I think we should stick with the navy skirt and jacket. The camo gear and the push-up bra really do send a mixed message to the voter.”
            • “Fuck, Palin’s OD’d on deer jerky again! Dammit Jerry! You were supposed to be watching her! Someone get the adrenaline!”

            Wednesday, October 1, 2008

            Stick This in Your Debate CNN!

            As many of the Bloggy Readers of Dogs & Jeans are aware, I was asked to contribute to Thursday night's debate as a foreign Google Blogger correspondent. Ladies, keep your panties on, it's not as glamorous as it sounds. I'm like Bon Jovi, only without the rockstar hair and money.

            The debate rules are very restrictive and all the questions have to be vetted through through each candidate's campaign. You would not believe the list of pertinent, relevant questions I had for both Sarah Palin and Joe Biden that were disallowed.

            Here, take a look:
            • If I am driving my car at the speed of light, is there any difference between my high beams and low beams?
            • Where is the weirdest place you have ever had sex?
            • Iran and North Korea continue to pose a threat to national security. What 5 songs would you put in a mixed tape for each of them to try and win them back?
            • Discuss how you would solve the current economic crisis if you were any member of the A-Team.
            • Henri Bergson's opposition to Cartesian dualism resists the reduction of psychological phenomena to physical states. Please elaborate.
            • If I gave you a pony, what would you name it?
            • You are having a dinner party and have invited Marie Curie, Charlemagne, Betty Frieden and Vince Lombardi. Both Al Gore and Henri Kissinger show up uninvited but you have only one extra chair. Gore is drunk and looking for a fight, however, Kissinger and Betty Frieden had a passionate affair that ended poorly and there is still some 'bad blood'. Who do you tell to go home.
            • Boxers or briefs? As a follow up: Pants or shirts?

            I think the American public have a right to know where these two candidates stand on the issues. Don't you agree?