Wednesday, July 24, 2013

10 Least Popular Royal Baby Names

In you are like most of the English speaking world (and parts of Japan), you will undoubtedly be aware that Mrs Kate Windsor (nee Middleton) aka The Duchess of Cornwall has had her baby. The little boy will be heir to the British Throne once the Queen dies, and his grandfather dies, and his father dies. Of course, until that interminable string of events occurs, we can pass the time placing bets on when the future King's name will be.

To help your wagers, Dogs & Jeans has compiled a list of the 10 baby names least likely to be given to the little fellah:

    R2D2, star wars, droid
  • Satan
  • Carson
  • Hasselhoff
  • Osama
  • Xerxes
  • R2D2
  • Sheldon
  • Trayvon
  • Sue
  • Mohammed

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Papal Conclave Set To Bust Bracket

Coming off a solid home win in selecting Pope Francis to lead the world’s Catholics, The College of Cardinals are poised to make history in the NCAA Basketball Championship. Through a last-minute regional qualifier, the Cardinals (who have no association with number one seed Louisville) enter the tournament as a 16 seed but have high hopes.

NCAA basketball march madness priest team
“We plan to be the first Number 16 to make it past the first round,” said Cardinal Augusto Berlusconi, the Vatican team’s point guard. “And from there we plan to knock off one team at a time to the Final Four, God willing.”

While much Catholic support has always gone to Notre Dame and Villanova, many expect the papal representatives to draw even more. “Whether as a Cinderella, underdog story, or as the ‘Chosen Team of Destiny’ we expect the Cardinals to really raise the public’s interest in this year’s March Madness,” said Tournament organizer Skip Peterson.

Many basketball purists may dismiss the elderly clerics as a first-round cassock-wearing side-show but there is no denying the already raised interest the first game on Thursday has. “We only expect it to build from there,” said Peterson.

Asked Berlusconi, “With the Blessed Virgin Mary as our one and only cheerleader, how can we lose?”

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Vatican Pushes The Envelope

In a ground breaking move, the The Catholic Church has selected not only the first Pope from South America but even more shocking is an elderly white man. The Conclave of Cardinals has flaunted tradition by elevating Jorge Bergogolio, the archbishop of Buenos Aires, to become Pope Francis I shocking many pilgrims waiting in St. Peter's Square. "We were expecting the Church to continue with it's history of picking young women of color to lead us," said Giuseppe Benevido between tears. "I'm all for bringing  us into the 21st Century but perhaps this is too much all at once!"

Not only does the newest Pope stray from the "pontiff ideal" in terms of his gender and place of origin, his advanced age of 76 puts him significantly over the average age of popes in the modern era. With a mean age of 27.5, Pope Francis exceeds the norm by more than 50 years.

While some are welcoming the breath of fresh air, American Catholics are dismayed. Most had been expecting the selection of Nicki Minaj to guide the church in Rome, but had been prepared for upset outsider such as Korea's Yuna Kim or even Raven Simone. For many, it ended weeks of religious expectation. "How does the Church expect to maintain time honored elements such as celibacy, poverty and religious intolerance with such an obvious radical in the Holy See?"

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Star Wars Spin-Offs

Reports from Disney Studios suggest that along with the upcoming new Star Wars Trilogy, screenwriters are working on a series of “spinoff” movies based on characters and events from that galaxy far, far away. Dogs & Jeans has obtained an advance list of some of the potential Star Wars related movies that could soon be at a Cineplex near you:
princess leia, star wars, bikini, sexy, carrie fischer
  • ·         Han Solo and the College Roommate From Hell
  • ·         Life of Fett
  • ·         Les Miserables Ewoks
  • ·         Gilmore Girls: The Movie (not that it has anything to do with Star Wars but it’s about time gosh darn it!)
  • ·         It’s a Trap!
  • ·        How Leia Got Her Groove Back
  • ·         Chewbacca Unchained
  • ·         Zero Darth Thirty

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Lance Armstrong Admissions

lance armstrong tour de france drugs
This week Lance Armstrong sat down with Oprah Winfrey and admitted his seven Tour de France victories came as a result of performance enhancing drugs. Telling the truth seemed to have a cathartic effect on the notorious cyclist as this single admission opened the floodgates to a stream of confessions for transgressions and events no one knew Armstrong had any part in previously:

• He was the actual author of the Twilight books.

• Enron was his idea.

• He suggested that Russel l Crowe sing in the film adaptation of “Les Miserable”

• "Lance Armstrong" is Hawaiian for "Lennay Kekua".
  • He invented the “friend-zone”

• Have you ever returned to your locked up bike and found somebody took the one unlocked wheel? Lance took it.
• He continues to put the milk carton back in the fridge with only a few drops left in it.

• Despite all previous denials, it was he who let the dogs out.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Second Amendment Sense (for the Second Time)

I can't believe it was only July when I posted this and barely 6 months pass before and even more horrific assualt weapon-related tragedy occurs. Simply replace the word 'theatre' with 'school' and swap the killers' names, and the message is the same:

The tragedy in Aurora Colorado has predictably re-ignited the gun debate across the United States. Once again, supporters and opponents of gun regulation alike refer to their specific phrases of the Second Amendment to justify their positions. Whether the stated “infringements” to a Right to Bear Arms is intended for individuals or a collective state militia has long been at the crux of the debate, and without any direct evidence to the intent of the framers of the amendment itself is impossible to resolve.

The disagreement is a red herring in terms of personal safety, however. Much like the proverbial chicken-and-egg argument, neither side can be correct. Worse, discussing the application of gun rights to individual versus collective freedoms does little to prevent tragedies like the July 20th theatre massacre. No amount of regulation can prevent a person from committing atrocities when they have no concern for the consequences, or even their own safety. However, undertaking a more productive exercise to study the amendment from a historical perspective could reduce the death toll in such future events.

Consider what was the understanding the legislators had of arms and their purchase at the time when they drafted the amendment. In 1789 America, the most common types of guns were single-shot arms of a limited variety and effectiveness. Aside from a few breech loaders, most were muzzle loaded in a process which essentially eliminated any threat of mass murder. The most common and inexpensive were muskets which were extremely inaccurate and only effective in a group application (eg. shoulder- to-shoulder platoon attack) rather than an assault by an individual. Accurate rifled barrels were available, however, the length of the barrel made it almost impossible to conceal (and sneak into a public place) and their relative expense limited their possession to the more affluent.

Mass production of guns and ammunition was still in its infancy so the cost and time to obtain arms was often considerable. As such, the idea of a household having more than two rifles or pistols to use against fellow citizenry was ludicrous. Even if we credit the writers of the amendment with the foresight to imagine a world where expense and manufacturing of armaments was no longer an impediment to multiple gun ownership, they were still framing the amendment around a belief of limitations in the guns themselves.

In 1789, balancing the rights of the individual with the safety of the community was relatively simple if a gun could only be fired once, often with a low probability of doing significant damage, before the opportunity arose to disarm the shooter. In fact a good knife, axe or pointed farm implement was a more deadly weapon for inflicting serious repeated damage. In the big picture, what harm to society could there be for allowing the average person to own a gun when weighed against the necessary restrictions needed on oppressive future governments?

Had legislators been able to see 230 years into the future when automatic weapons can fire a dozen rounds a second (and accuracy then becomes irrelevant) and the tools for mass destruction can be purchased quickly, inexpensively and with near anonymity over the Internet, would they will have taken greater care to spell out the controls intended in the Second Amendment? I think so. It is one thing to be free from government interference in the ownership of a duck hunting rifle but quite another to arm yourself with an AK-47 and 2 semi-automatic pistols for an attack on a middle school lunchroom. Nobody should have the right to do that.

To repeat: I do not expect laws to protect me from the unexpected acts of the deranged mind. Nor am I interested in the polarizing dispute between the two extremes of the pro and anti-gun lobbies. However, in light of the Aurora theatre shooting, it is time to examine a re-definition of the Second Amendment based on an appreciation of the times in which it was written. In doing so, I would expect the suitable restrictions on the purchase and even manufacturing of weapons such as those used on July 20th to regulated groups like the military and police force would not constitute an infringement of anyone’s civil rights.

Sadly, politicians will likely lack the courage to address the issue again, becoming distracted by the fanatic dogma from both extremes. Rather than taking measures to increase public safety through legislation that will infringe on no one’s rights, bills will be drafted to further restrict personal freedoms in an attempt to defend us from the unexpected. Don’t be surprised when movie theatres require all patrons to pass through a metal detector when purchasing a ticket. Never mind that accused shooter James Holmes did not bring his weapons in the front door, we will be told the inconvenience (and it’s added cost to ticket prices) is the price we have to pay for safety.

There is something wrong in America when lawmakers see nothing amiss with requiring movie goers to undergo a full body scan to watch the next installment of “The Avengers” but instead refusing to update legislation to limit the killing power of crazy people. Sensibly eliminating the production and distribution of deadly weapons unimagined over 200 years ago will not be seen as unconstitutional when examined free from the rhetoric of special interest groups.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

RIP Mackie

Mackie 2001 - 2012

Goodbye old friend. Thanks for all the memories.